Advice about friendship?

[Kheldarson]

Trying to sort out my feelings about this whole scenario because, honestly, I don't trust my own feelings anymore on it, which is probably not healthy either.

So basic background: D is one of my longest running friends. I met her my junior year of high school, and we've been friends since. She was my maid of honor at Kabe's and my wedding, and I had asked her to be the godmother of my child.

Longer background: Some time before we figured out we were having a kid, D had been asked by some other friends of her to be in their wedding as his best man. She had started making more or less regular trips to see them where they live, which is out of state. However, as it was holiday season, I didn't think too much of the fact that it was difficult to hang out with her unless we stopped by her work after an appointment (she was at the hospital we're going to), simply because retail schedules kind of blow around then. And we were still chatting via text, FB, and Skype anyway.

After the holiday season though was the point I started noticing that all of our conversations were now revolving solely around the baby and the pregnancy. This was my book and TV buddy, the gal I swooned over Tennant with and traded books and book ideas with. But she didn't want to talk the nerdy things anymore: just the baby. Nerdy came in if she found a nerdy baby reference.

I'd try to talk about the baby some, but, honestly, at the time, and even a bit still, my pregnancy doesn't excite me. I don't find it pleasurable, and kid is still kind of this theoretical "it's happening" thing going on. I'm sitting and worrying about how I'm going to pay hospital bills because my insurance isn't going to pay, finding a better job, and finding a house; the kid's going to do his thing and we'll get to it when we've got other things settled and can, you know, enjoy maybe.

D didn't want to hear about house or apartment searches; didn't want to hear about my worrying how I'm going to pay bills; didn't want to hear about job (can't blame her there; she was looking too). If I'd try to redirect conversation to any of those or to any other topic, like the latest episode of Doctor Who, she'd either try to go back to baby or leave the conversation. I also started getting told even more that she couldn't come over to hang out because she was tired from work, had homework, and/or had to get homework/housework done before the weekend because she's going to <City out of state>. Or, if I called after she'd gotten back, it was that she had to get caught up on her work now that she'd gotten back from <City out of state>.

Then I was on bed rest a month due to an emergency with the baby. The times I could get on the computer were when I could talk with her. She dropped by once to see me and loan me some books and a game to try and help keep me entertained. I kept calling to see if she could come over more, but it was either a trip to <City> or, towards the end, she'd gotten a new job and had to have vaccines and we didn't want to risk spreading anything.

After that, I saw her less. She was busy with her new job and school. But she was still making plans with her other friends in <City> to go see them on weekends. We wouldn't talk unless I called or if, by some random alignment of the stars, we were online at the same time. Finally, one night in March, she'd had a bad day at work and was ranting about it in our chat. I'd been having a badly hormonal day and wasn't as supportive as I could have been. She left the chat. She hasn't been back on since.

A month later, on my birthday, I sent her a Facebook message, asking if she was still upset. She came back saying that she was worried about me and my baby because Kabe and I aren't excited to be parents. And she can't handle that. And then goes on about how she has a lot of homework that she messed up on and other things going on, so she doesn't want to get on anybody right now.

I replied back explaining that, yeah, Kabe and I are a little freaked. This isn't something that was a life goal, and we're really not ready for. Plus, honestly, I'm not really maternal, so I can't even say that I'd be excited if it was. And that all I really need from her is to just be there to talk to about stuff. Like we used to. I don't want to talk about baby all the time, I want to talk about the stuff we used to. And I was sorry that I wasn't more supportive that night, but I was having a bad night too.

She never responded back. I get to see on FB that she's heading back out the <City> a couple more times. Seeing a weekend she hadn't announced, and as it was Kabe's and another friend's b-days, I call her to invite her to a celebration outing. Nope. Going to <City> again. We chatted a bit, during which she declares that she's worried about us wanting to buy a house because "what would happen if we had to move?" After I explain our reasoning (which is that it's cheaper than renting in this area), she tells me she has to go and hangs up.

I unfriended her about a week after that on FB. Didn't hear anything from her, and, honestly, didn't expect to. A couple weeks after that, I message her to return the stuff she had lent me during my bed rest since she'd never come back to our house. We chatted a bit at our meeting, but of nothing of consequence. I haven't heard from her since.

Tonight: I call my mom to talk with her and mention the fact that a family friend here wants to call my mom (who's now in another state) about doing something of a shower for me. Mom asks about D and if she's still going to be the godmother. I tell her "probably not" because, as things stand, that's the truth. She then starts telling me that I need to reach out and sort things out, that it's important to have girlfriends, that I'm not seeing the other side.

Turns out D has been in touch with my mom and has talked to her about my unfriending D. I don't know if she called Mom, or if Mom called her, but Mom apparently has D's side of the story.

And, supposedly, we have very similar stories just from differing POVs on what happened. So it's my job to reach out and try to fix things with D because Mom doesn't think we really want a big falling out, especially if I value D's friendship.

Which is the crux of the matter. I don't know if I do value D's friendship right now because for the past year, unless she's talking to me about the bad going on her life, she hasn't really been around. She's been more with her friends in <City>. She doesn't reach out to call me. Not even when she realizes that there's a problem. But she can totally talk to my mom about it instead!

Am I crazy for pulling away from her like this? My mom's trying to tell me I am, since this is a decade long friendship, but it's been a very long time since she's just called me up to invite me to go anywhere or hang out. And it's been a while (a much shorter amount of time) since she's accepted an invite by me to come hang out or meet up to do something. Is it my responsibility to reach out to her again and try to fix this?

I feel very confused, angry, and frustrated, and even more so since my mom was, essentially, informing me that I shouldn't be. Any words of advice?

[MaggieTheCat]

I would be feeling the same as you in this situation -- as well as extremely pissed at both D and my mom for talking about me/the situation behind my back and basically making a judgement without talking to me about it directly. At this point, about the only thing I would say to either of them is, "If D wants to continue having a relationship with me, I am open to talking about the situation" and let her initiate the conversation. My guess is that she won't, and that will tell you how much she cares about you and your friendship. From what I can tell, you did nothing "wrong" or offensive toward D. Unfriending her on Facebook? She's really going to blow a gasket over something like that? People take FB statuses way too seriously, and if she's going to be pissy with you and ditch your friendship over that, she is not worth having as a friend in the first place.

[Pixilated]

It almost sounds as if this friendship was starting to go off the rails a while ago. Okay, so she's excited about your pregnancy (your pregnancy) and maybe a little puzzled that you are not as excited as she thinks you should be ... but if it were I, I'd redirect the conversation into other areas. And for her to "tattle" to your mother is unacceptable.

Have you told your mother your side of the story? I'm wondering if she'd still think D's friendship was such a prize if she heard it.

In any case, it sounds to me as if you have made enough attempts to fix things. MaggieTheCat has a good way to handle it -- tell your mom you'll be happy to straighten things out, but you've tried enough times, and now the ball is in D's court.

[kansasgal]

I agree. D hasn't been there for you at all, and if she wants to continue the friendship, she can make the gesture. I think calling your mom was a deliberate thing to make you feel bad, not to see if you can save the friendship.

[Aethian]

Don't let her back in all at once and make her make the first move since the ball is all in her court. She screwed things up and she can start to fix them.

BTW a lot of hospitals if you go to them BEFORE the kiddo is born you can pre pay the birth/doctor and it can be up to a 1/4 of what it is AFTER the birth. Around my neck of the woods, after the birth the bill is around 10k but if you pre pay it's only 4k, and I know of some cash strapped people that negotiated even less cause they are and can prove they are cash strapped.

[Kheldarson]

At this point, about the only thing I would say to either of them is, "If D wants to continue having a relationship with me, I am open to talking about the situation" and let her initiate the conversation. My guess is that she won't, and that will tell you how much she cares about you and your friendship. From what I can tell, you did nothing "wrong" or offensive toward D. Unfriending her on Facebook? She's really going to blow a gasket over something like that?

Mom's indicated that she's not going to bring it up again, but I'll remember that line for in case she does. As for D, the only thing I've got is that one night where I wasn't very supportive (she does medical billing now and a guy came in for test results on being HIV+. She was upset because he was upset and she didn't know how to comfort him. Apparently, suggesting the line "I hope you get the news you want" is being insensitive ). Either that or she's upset that I haven't called her for one-on-one girl time instead opting for group time since Kabe and I have been juggling one car and hang out days were limited because of that. Not that she was calling me and asking for girl time either or offering to pick me up for it...

Have you told your mother your side of the story? I'm wondering if she'd still think D's friendship was such a prize if she heard it.

I did tell Mom. The most I got was after I told her D was going to <City> at least once every month was an "Oh, I didn't realize that" followed immediately by a "Well, you should still try to fix things. You don't have the other side."

Her entire train of thought was "You've been friends since high school; you don't have the other side; you need to reach out and fix this if you value your friendship."

And no, I'm not making any bets as to whether Mom gave the same advice to D. I'm half afraid that's a sucker bet.

Thanks for the advice, though, guys. At least I know I'm not crazy for my thought process.

eta:

BTW a lot of hospitals if you go to them BEFORE the kiddo is born you can pre pay the birth/doctor and it can be up to a 1/4 of what it is AFTER the birth. Around my neck of the woods, after the birth the bill is around 10k but if you pre pay it's only 4k, and I know of some cash strapped people that negotiated even less cause they are and can prove they are cash strapped.

My state has a Medicaid program for pregnant moms. I was able to slip onto that after a bit of a fight (going on bed rest helped). Although I'm still getting bills from early in my pregnancy before I qualified even though it's all back dated. Apparently billing companies don't talk to the hospital again after getting the initial information...But thanks for the info I'll keep that in mind for future reference.

[Cobrabubbles]

Friendships, just like life have a cycle. It may simply be that this friendship cycle has run it's course and yes you can fight to keep it alive but it sounds a lot like D isn't as "into it" as she once was. It's ok to have a friendship end and your mom needs to realize that whole yes you guys have been friends since high school, you are now both different people and thus will grow apart. It happens to everyone. Don't beat yourself up about it, just focus on finding some new friends, although I know that can be difficult especially if you're in a tight financial position. Good luck with your baby!

[the_std]

Having been on the other side of a situation very similar to this (although it was a wedding, not a baby, that was the source of contention), I have maybe a different view here. Traditionally, there are events in our lives that are a source of joy and excitement... Weddings, a new house, a baby, etc. So for your friend to be more excited than you about something that is such a big change and a new thing in your life, it's a jarring thing to realize and it's very hard to know how to deal with that information.

From what you're telling us, it sounds like she's genuinely concerned and may be trying to help. Also, she is under a lot of strain trying to balance big responsibilities for her friends, as well as difficulties in her own life. In your story, I felt bad for both you and her - she sounds like she's having as hard a time dealing with events in her life as you are.

So with all of that coming together, she seems to have made an executive decision and reduced a source of stress in her life. If her conversations with you were stressful and not enjoyable any more, then it sounds like it might have been better for both of you for her to stop them.

I have to say, on top of everything else, it sounds like you're being a bit needy. Right off the bat, I want to say that I cannot blame you - you're in a tough place and need someone on your side, and I get that. However, you've explained all of the tough times she's going through as well, and then proceed to tell her what you need from her. That can be tough to handle if it's not approached properly.

I'm sorry you're going through this. When you're going through major changes in your life, you find out which of your friends you're truly compatible with. It doesn't make you, or her, a bad person, but maybe your friendship was more superficial and not quite as deep as you had originally thought.

[lilo]

There are plenty of people who I was close to ten years ago who I'm not anymore. It just happens that way, it's completely normal - people move away, grow up, move on. It doesn't mean you can't still be friendly, but you shouldn't feel guilty that your feelings towards her have changed. Friendships shouldn't be such hard work.

I hope your pregnancy goes well! When are you due? I'm SO thankful to live in a country with universal health care... all I've paid for my baby (due in 12 weeks, EEEEK) has been ~$30 for a couple of visits to my own doctor. There's no way I could afford motherhood otherwise.

[Argabarga]

Sometimes, no matter how much we loved them, we have to admit that we've outgrown some of our most treasured things.

A childhood toy... the house you grew up in.... your job.... maybe even your own hometown....

And sometimes, we just outgrow our friendships. It's nobody's fault, life just didn't pull the both of us in the same direction.

It can be tough and painful to admit it, but, sometimes you just have to let go, especially if it's keeping you up at night or stressing yourself out over it. And it certainly shouldn't be kept alive for the sake of nostalgia or loyalty when it's become toxic or unhappy, what's the point?

Your life needs to come first, and it's not wrong, selfish or anything you should feel guilty about if you just part with someone who doesn't fit into your life anymore.

[Rock Lobster]

You've outgrown the need for each other. Time moves on and so do we. You should just concentrate on what you need to do and not worry about her any longer. I'm sorry dear but that's just life. Same thing happened to me and I just moved on to new friends.

[Kheldarson]

I have to say, on top of everything else, it sounds like you're being a bit needy. Right off the bat, I want to say that I cannot blame you - you're in a tough place and need someone on your side, and I get that. However, you've explained all of the tough times she's going through as well, and then proceed to tell her what you need from her. That can be tough to handle if it's not approached properly.

Maybe I was, but I do try not to dump on my friends. But I have sat through her drunk rambling phone calls and chats about how she can't get a boyfriend, she can't deal with her mother, how much the job economy sucks over the years without coming back at her. The few times I did have turned into something like this. (Example: having an issue with Kabe while dating and I turn to her to vent, and I get "you can't be having issues, you two are perfect together!") Heck, beyond a FB message announcing my great-grandmother's death, I didn't unload on her.

I guess I'm needy for needing/wanting a turn to rely on my friend like she's relied on me. Because there's always been something going on that she needs emotional support for (no dates, bad job, mother driving her nuts, she can't find the money to move somewhere else...).

And all I wanted, really, in terms of support was normal, geeky conversation. That's all I asked for.

I'm sorry you're going through this. When you're going through major changes in your life, you find out which of your friends you're truly compatible with. It doesn't make you, or her, a bad person, but maybe your friendship was more superficial and not quite as deep as you had originally thought.

But this is kinda what I think has been going on for a while though. So...yeah.

I hope your pregnancy goes well! When are you due? I'm SO thankful to live in a country with universal health care... all I've paid for my baby (due in 12 weeks, EEEEK) has been ~$30 for a couple of visits to my own doctor. There's no way I could afford motherhood otherwise.

I'm due in August. It's been going okay, minus the placental abruption in February and now the fact that he hasn't turned himself to face down. And if he doesn't in the next month, then I'm automatically going for a C-section.

[MoonCat]

When I read your post, one thing really jumped out at me: D did not want to talk about anything except your baby. This was a person who shared a whole bunch of other interests in common with you, and suddenly everything she said was baby-baby-baby.

This suggests to me that D wants a baby herself, was obsessing about yours because she isn't in a relationship situation right now to have her own, and got pissed when you wouldn't play along. That's one issue.

The other one is something I've seen myself with friends. Keeping a friendship going has to involve mutual effort. Sometimes you won't feel like it, sometimes she won't, but it has to more or less balance out. It can't all be one-sided. Your mom keeps saying you "don't know both sides." Well, how can you, if D won't communicate? Why can't D call you and explain her side? The phone works both ways.

As others have said, maybe this friendship has run its course. From what you've said, you've made multiple efforts to continue seeing her and doing things with her, and she doesn't respond or says she's too busy. It's not fair for someone to be unavailable and unsupportive, and then to get mad when you pull away.