Being Jerked Around

[Dentarthurdent]

This is a posting on behalf of a friend. Some background, he is roommates with the girl in question, and the things he does for her that he referenced, as far as I know, extend mostly to running errands and other small favors. I asked if it was okay to post this and he said yes. Corrected here and there for spelling but most grammar left intact...sorry it's all run-ons.

"so (my roommate) has a friend coming to visit her and i know it is more than a friend she says it is a photographer she knows but i know it is not and she is from what i can piece together will be spending the night and having sex with him. I dont want to say no you cant but i want to say if you do then i will not be doing some of the things i do for you right now not as a ultimatum but as you hurt me with your choices and i feel like i been lied to."

At this point I asked for clarification. Did he mean she'd been leading him on? This sounded like more than roommates, or roommates-with-benefits-not-including-sex. Again, that's only what I've been told. Maybe it DOES include sex.

"yes she tells me she doesnt want to date or be with anyone but from what i am seeing and yes i have read some text even though i shouldnt have she has told him she loves him and cant wait to sleep in his arms and stuff like that but then she tels me if she would date any one it would be me and that giving time we might start dating"

And I said "how can you confront her about this without her knowing you've read those texts?"

He said he didn't know.

I said "then, are you going to wait until after they have sex to say something?"

He said he didn't know. And I said I had no good advice, but I knew a place I could get it anonymously. What would you do or not do in his situation?

And some background I know about her would be useful here, but I can't really post it because it's really, really specific to her and would not be in keeping with...well...anonymity. But she has good reason not to want to date.

[Seshat]

Okay.

If I was the girl, and he told me something like that, I'd feel like our whole friendship/roomate-ship had been a lie. Like he'd been being "friends" with me with the ultimate goal of having sex with me; never actually being friends for the sake of being friends.

"yes she tells me she doesnt want to date or be with anyone"
"but then she tels me if she would date any one it would be me and that giving time we might start dating"

I see miscommunication. I suspect she's had some background horror story of some sort, and isn't really ready to risk trusting anyone yet ... but thinks of your friend as a friend of hers, someone trustworthy.

I'd even suspect that what she said was "date someone like you"; rather than specifically him.

Regardless: my guess - and it's just a guess - is that for her it was part of recovery. For him, it was a promise.

But she has good reason not to want to date.

Reading between the lines here, she has a horror story.

and yes i have read some text even though i shouldnt have

..... and he has just betrayed her trust.

I don't know about the other women here, but he's just made himself ineligible as a partner for me. At least until he grows up and becomes trustworthy - and trusting enough not to go snooping around behind my back.


My advice to him: Grow up.

My advice to her: lock your phone.


He's focussed on his desires, his wants, and yes, perhaps his needs. Though noone needs sex from a specific person.
If he wants her to want him, he needs to focus on making himself desirable to her - which includes helping in her recovery from the unmentioned (and no, I don't want to know) reason she has to be reluctant to date. And being pleased she's recovering enough to want to try dating, even if it IS with someone other than him.

I'm not suggesting that he sit back and watch her date a series of men, without ever saying anything. Instead, I'd recommend .. hm. Making plans to be elsewhere that night (perhaps with you). Working with you so that he can be genuinely interested in whether her night went well, and genuinely interested in her well-being.

He should genuinely express pleasure that she's interested in dating.

And he can make a romantic gesture. Buy her something she truly wants, or do something truly nice, and have a note with it that says something (in his own words) along the lines of "Would you be interested in dating me?"

And if she says "no", then he needs to take it with grace. Disappointment is fine, and going away to sulk in your company (but not hers!) is fine. But in her presence, if he values her friendship, he needs to take it with grace. And very, very importantly, accept the 'no'.

If she says 'maybe, but I can't tell right now', he should say something like 'let me know'. BUT!!! He must NOT put his own romantic life on hold. He must NOT take it as a promise. He should simply treat her as a friend, and think of her as a friend, unless she says otherwise. At which point he might have a different girlfriend himself, and HE might say 'no'.

[Oniontears]

Seconding everything Seshat said. I'm sorry your friend felt led on but that is NO excuse for reading someone else's text messages without permission.

Friendships in which one party feels romantic feelings towards another are always complicated. I really do hope, as Seshat said, he hasn't been pretending to be her friend thinking she's going to date him, because ye gods, that's a horrible reason for a friendship and will only lead to everybody getting hurt.

[ArcticChicken]

I really do hope, as Seshat said, he hasn't been pretending to be her friend thinking she's going to date him, because ye gods, that's a horrible reason for a friendship and will only lead to everybody getting hurt.

If I found out someone was doing that to me, I would, at the very least, flatly refuse to acknowledge their existence ever again.

[Kheldarson]

Agree with everything, Seshat said, but wanted to comment on this:

If I was the girl, and he told me something like that, I'd feel like our whole friendship/roomate-ship had been a lie. Like he'd been being "friends" with me with the ultimate goal of having sex with me; never actually being friends for the sake of being friends.

Did he like her before they were roommates? If so, sure, I can understand the comments coming at him like this, but if it were after becoming roommates, then I can't say he's being the god-awful Nice Guy here.

At least, not until he actually clarifies his intent and we see what happens when it goes poorly.

[PepperElf]

I'm thinking this may only end in him getting his heart broken.
Cos it sounds like he's been waiting for her and hoping, only to find that she wanted someone else.

In a way it doesn't really matter if she led him on or just said all of that to let him down easy.... Ultimately she's allowed to change her mind and pick someone else as her lover.

And this is where the phone-snooping may come into play too. Cos snooping in the phone may indicate that he feels he has a right to do that... either because he wants her that much, or because he felt she "led him on". But it's still a violation of her privacy and one he has no right to make.


It may be better for both of them to find different roommates.

On her side, a roommate that doesn't ignore her rights to privacy, or question if she changes her mind on having a relationship. And on his side, a roommate that clearly tells him "no I don't want you" - or at least one with whom it's very clear that it's a roommate-only arrangement.

[Pixilated]

*snip*

It may be better for both of them to find different roommates.

*snip*

This gets my vote. Because otherwise I can't see this ending any other way than badly. For whatever reason, rightly or wrongly, he read into her comments (and perhaps actions) indications that there was a possible relationship in the offing. Now there's not. Well, that's the way life goes, but I can see it would be tough for him to be around her, especially in the close confines of a dwelling, after this.

And I also absolutely agree that his secretly reading her texts goes beyond the bounds. There is rarely any justification for that, and none at all in this case. It is borderline stalker/controlling behaviour and he needs to get himself out of there pronto.

[Shangri-laschild]

Having dealt with living with a guy who had feelings for me that were not returned, I can say it is tricky. I have to try hard to not accidentally take advantage of his willingness to be a good friend. Yes he is clear that we will only ever be friends but that doesn't mean that in the past, he wouldn't say yes to favors I ask quicker than he would say yes to other people. We still live together and he's gotten better about stuff. Communication is important. I don't know if this girl was taking advantage of his friendship or not. Or if she was, if she was even aware she was doing it. He needs to decide if he can accept that things probably aren't going to happen between the two of them. If he can't, he needs to not live with her. If he can, then it doesn't matter what was said in the past. It will do him good though to not do favors above and beyond for her though.

[Grendus]

Guy needs to grow a pair. Don't get mad, don't get sad, just move on. Not only is he beating himself up about it, but he's putting her in an awkward position dodging his affections while trying to live her own life. Moping about it will only hurt both of them. If she does finally get "ready to date" (though tbh her actions say she's ready, she's just not into him) then she can let him know. Otherwise he'll be much happier with another woman who is into him and isn't so confused.

Girl needs to be more honest. Sneaking around behind his back is just setting herself up for serious trouble if she gets caught. Muuuuch better to be up front with the guy than to try to sneak around his back and risk crushing him like this.

[Sapphire Silk]

Girl needs to be more honest. Sneaking around behind his back is just setting herself up for serious trouble if she gets caught. Muuuuch better to be up front with the guy than to try to sneak around his back and risk crushing him like this.

We only have the male RM's POV here, not the girl's. She may see things differently.

I'm not convinced from the story that she has any idea that the boy has any interest in her, or that she may know but not done a good enough job of telling him she wasn't interested in that kind of relationship. He may be thinking there is more to the RM agreement than she does, or she wouldn't have invited a guest to stay that she clearly intends to sleep with. Of course, she could just be that callous, but I really don't think so.

I do agree with Seshat: trust is absolutely vital for me. Betray it and we're done, period. He snooped; if the girl were me, I'd be moving out or asking him to move out if the lease were in my name.

[PepperElf]

and that's a great point sapphire - she might have no clue whatsoever.

and the "sneaking around" might simply be that she's not ready to talk about her love life (or sex life). some people aren't comfortable discussing it with others outside of the relationship. or it could be too soon in the relationship for her to want to say anything to "jinx" it too.

[Pixilated]

*snip*

and the "sneaking around" might simply be that she's not ready to talk about her love life (or sex life). some people aren't comfortable discussing it with others outside of the relationship. or it could be too soon in the relationship for her to want to say anything to "jinx" it too.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but it may also be that she doesn't see any reason to discuss such personal details with her roommate. There are varying levels of friendship and while he may be a friend, he may not be at the level of friendship that would lead her to talk to him about such things. Unfortunately, this could suggest he really has been misreading her behaviour ...

I think somebody here has already made a good suggestion: he needs to decide whether he can remain her roommate under the current circumstances.

[42_42_42]

Sounds to me like he's being the stereotypical "nice guy." The girl doesn't owe him any kind of romantic or sexual favors simply because he's been nice to her or done favors for her. He did those favors out of his own choice. He always had the option to say "no" when she asked. The fact that he's choosing not to continue being the same kind of friend simply because she's not romantically/sexually into him is really, really creepy and immature. That is compounded by him snooping on her phone. If she knew all of this I can guarantee she'd want to move out or have him move out.

[Jester]

I don't mean to sound harsh...

Whereas *I* have no problem with that. Because what I'm gonna say is going to be harsh, but is probably something this guy needs to hear. In no particular order:

1. Grow the fuck up.

2. Grow some fucking testicles.

3. Grow a fucking spine.

4. Get a fucking life.

5. Stop being such a douchebag roommate.

Look, she clearly has feelings for this other guy. If you can't deal with that, that is your problem. What you do for this girl is your choice, and you can certainly choose not to do them, but making it an ultimatum, i.e., if she goes through with this, you won't do those things anymore, is basically the definition of emotional douchebaggery.

She said this and that about dating you, but she is NOT dating you. She IS having this guy visit her. She IS planning on sleeping with him. Wait, I'm sorry...let me rephrase that so you truly grasp it: she IS planning on fucking him. And as her roommate, it's none of your goddamn business.

You two are both adults. It's time for YOU to start fucking acting like it.

Feel free to show your friend this, as it is shit he needs to see if he expects to continue on in life without being butthurt at every single turn.

Personally, I'm sick to death of douchebag "nice guys" like this twatwaffle making genuine nice guys look bad by association. The real nice guys don't fucking deserve this shit.

[Oniontears]

*offers Jester booze and a hug*