It's my father again

[Cooper]

My sister has reached her limit with him. She won't really explain what happened, but says she needed to come stay with me. she's here for tonight, but I know I have no legal standing to keep her indefinitely.

(Mostly due to their lack of history with cps, partially due to my economic standing being precarious as it is.)

This family is falling apart, and I have no idea what I can do. Those who are familiar with my previous posts know that my father has ignored all of my health and mental health issues, often berating me for 'pretending' to have them. He is unpredictably angry, though has never gotten physical. He's getting worse, to the point where he's behaving this way in front of guests and his family, which he has never done before. (He went off on Sam for refusing, at his brother's encouragement, to pick up after him, because he picks up after her all the time.)

As I was afraid would happen, my leaving has made him worse to my sister.

His general behavior is being perfectly fine, with a good sense of humour. Then, after an indeterminate amount of time, things that haven't bothered him will suddenly explode. There's not really an avenue of defense, as he is correct in most of the things he asks for when angry. It's how he asks it that is problematic.

When confronted about this, he falls upon the fact that what he talks about is reasonable--wanting us to do the dishes more often, how I need o work harder to get a new job--or pretends we're demonizing him.

I'm just not sure what to tell her.

I mean, I have a few options. I can drop out of college, and use some of my 'adult money' (my grandmother put away some money for me to have for college, or when I turned 21, whatever happened soonest) to move, if I can convince my grandma of it. And take that to another college and keep trying. This leaves my sister alone for the next two years. (She's sixteen.)

I can try to convince my parents I'm fine with her staying with me for the summer.

I can try and push him to go to family therapy... but I imagine that might not begin will, happen well, or end well.

Mom's been catching how damaging his behavior is, but she genuinely lovesh im, and like almost everyone else who sees his behavior, doesn't want to be involved in it. She'll help me avoid him if necessary, but nothing more.

[Tama]

I do not at all suggest dropping out. Keeping her would probably be the best option, and over the summer you could probably figure SOMETHING out. If her grades are good enough she might be able to graduate early and you could help her figure out something for emancipation if things are getting worse

[aqutalion]

Are you in a position where you can walk out when he starts ranting? Don't reply, don't argue, just leave?
It seems that avoiding is that only thing you can do. Confronting him is unlikely to do any good. Therapy would be a very good idea, but only if he agrees to go. You can't change his behavior, but you can change your reaction to it, and protecting your own sanity has to come first. You won't be any help to your sister if you're a nervous wreck.

[MoonCat]

I would suggest that you, your sister, and your mom if you can get her to agree, go to family counseling. They can provide a safe outlet to vent and help you learn coping skills. They might even be able to help with getting your sister out of there before she turns 18 (maybe; it's worth asking). See if you can find a place that has a sliding scale re: payment if that is a concern.

Dad doesn't have to go, but the rest of you could benefit from the support.

[Eevie]

You've made it clear he won't accept any responsibility. Nothing is his fault. By that alone it tells me counseling is out of the question seeing as it's for people who know the have a problem and want to fix it. I agree with MoonCat though, see if you can go to counseling with your mom and sister. Aside from that, you'll need to weigh your options yourself.

[Gizmo]

When confronted about this, he falls upon the fact that what he talks about is reasonable--wanting us to do the dishes more often, how I need o work harder to get a new job--or pretends we're demonizing him.

I'm just not sure what to tell her.

Just like my husband gets 'oh well its reasonable to talk about (blah)!' yes, but when you do it in a way that makes it sound like the person you are talking to is worth less than mud then it isn't reasonable.

Honestly? I'd actually see about her standing up to them and getting CPS involved. If they don't want to do therapy - and i agree that will probably be the case - then the sister has to say 'I don't want to be here - I'm not happy or safe and supported here' to someone who can help her out. Its not nice but it may have to be done.

As for you: please don't drop out. Support her how you can but don't shorten your choices and roads to do so. *hugs*

[taxguykarl]

You can go the therapy, but actually getting something out of it is another story. I agree, stay in school and keep your sister there for the summer. You'll figure something out. I also agree with keeping the pros and CPS in the loop.

[Seshat]

Take the issue to professionals. In my (unofficial, non-professional) opinion, his behaviour counts as emotional abuse. The unpredictability of it is part of what's abusive.

The professionals will know whether it counts. And what your sister's options are.

Including whether she - or you, or both - have the option to get some sort of financial assistance; housing assistance; or other assistance to get you through college and her through high school and/or college.

[Cooper]

Big Update

Well, today I kinda had a meltdown in front of my mother. She asked if I had a new job yet. I said no, nothing had panned out. (Unless you count commission only jobs, which it's not that I feel they are beneath me--though I am a bit insulted that I am expected to take all the risk in these--I just feel I wouldn't have enough time left after college hours to benefit from them.)

She said I should make plans to move back in. I asked if it would be fair to ask for an extension, seeing as I hadn't had a phone for a month. She said no, her therapist friend has said they need to stick to this deadline.

I told her, flat out, I don't care if it sounds suicidal, or if it's stupid, or crazy, but I will not move back in with him if he will not accept my bunny too, even if this means I don't have a place to stay. In Michigan. In winter. (I had one bunny before I moved out. I got him a friend, they had babies. I bonded two of the babies, the baby and the father, and rehomed four, but kept the mother.)

He didn't like my old bunny, and feels I have shown I can't take care of animals. I think, since moving out, I have changed in this respect, since I moved from a 3 floor place, where the cages were all downstairs, to a place where the litterbox and cage are right next to my living area. If they stink, I know immediately, so they get changed more regularly.

I also think he wouldn't mind this new one. He liked our first rabbit before she died, and this one is quite similar. They're both smart, and sassy (the first one would chase the cats, this one likes to show she's out of water by kicking her water bottle out of the cage.) She's litter-box trained, but not chew-trained. (Basically, rabbits chew on everything. The first one might have gotten a mild shock from a wire she chewed, and decided she was done chewing.)

It sounds like, as childish of a stance as it is, I might win on this one. My parents have already spent money on her, (I have been working on paying them back for it, but she needed to have her eye removed. They've been getting part of my paychecks from my work, and my full paychecks from things like petsitting until this gets paid off) and my mother really likes animals. My father obviously does not.

It's important to me, I feel, because I gave up four rabbits. I know in his opinion these were rabbits I wasn't supposed to have.

I said I would be willing to put up with him for a bit longer if I could keep my bunny. I went on to tell her that:

"I can't live with him. I'm tired of the constant denials, the anger attacks, the threats. I know I'm not a perfect kid but I psychologically cannot handle my father.

"He is the reason I had so many goddamned meltdowns. He has been te direct cause of most of them. He's the only one that can still make me have them after therapy and medication.

"He's been hard on me my whole life. When he was home, he would alternate between being perfectly fine and screaming at us. Everything he asked for from Sam and I has been perfectly reasonable, and I know that. It's the way he asks. Our therapist has been pushing us to do family therapy for some time, but I'm scared to ask him because he gets pissed every time it gets brought up."

My sister just IMed me and said Dad thinks I hate him. I can't tell if this is a breakthrough or more guilt-tripping. Because it's true to a degree. I hate him, but I respect him. I don't think our relationship is unsalvageable, and I hope this isn't going to blow up in my face.

EDIT: My sister came home tonight, to an apology from my father. I suspect it is a disingenuous one, considering how his reactions were: "She needs to grow up" "it was the same type of argument we always had" and so on. Sam has said she will claim it was just her that couldn't handle it, but I suspect it was a cumulative thing rather than a 'he said something wrong' thing.

We'll discuss this with her therapist tomorrow at 4, but I am making a list of things I'd like to happen. (It feels a bit like a ransom note, lol)

[Pixilated]

I'm wondering if your dad is sliding into dementia, only because from your description it sounds as if his behaviour is getting steadily more erratic and unpredictable.

Hard though it is to hear, it's not your responsibility to Scotch-tape your family back together. You have to hang on to your own best interests, and keep your door open for your sister. Those have to be your #1 and #2 concerns.

If your dad won't go for counselling, it would be beneficial if your mother and/or sister would go (I think you said you are already in counselling?) because it will give them some insight into how to deal with your dad and, in your sister's case, how to hang on until she can get out.

[Seshat]

It would be beneficial if your mother and/or sister would go (I think you said you are already in counselling?) because it will give them some insight into how to deal with your dad and, in your sister's case, how to hang on until she can get out.

Seconded - and part of the reason for seconding it is that the counsellor may well know ways for your sister to get out.

Including 'emancipated minor' status.

Including the possibility of you having guardian status for her.

Including .. well, whatever else is available.

Summary: get professionals involved.

[protege]

I'm wondering if your dad is sliding into dementia, only because from your description it sounds as if his behaviour is getting steadily more erratic and unpredictable.

His behavior does sound like dementia is setting in. I'm dealing with something similar from my mother. Her behavior at times is getting more and more odd, and unpredictable. We never know what will set her off. Even though this crap has been going on for years, it seems to have gotten worse since she retired.

For example, while we were on vacation, she went off on my dad about the beach cart. Like many families, we have a folding cart to haul things like chairs, boogie boards, the umbrellas, etc. One morning, he decided to head to the beach early, so he could claim a spot. As he was leaving, he tilted the cart slightly, and 'bounced' the large rear wheels down the steps. Mom screamed that he was doing it "wrong"

Then, on the way back, she started on me in the car. It started when we switched drivers near Lancaster (PA). She insisted on giving a rolling commentary on how to get out of the Target parking lot. Seriously, I've been here *many* times. Trust me, I know how to get back onto the highway. Hell, I know how to get onto the damn turnpike from here too!

Closer to home, as I'm heading through one of the tunnels, she flipped. For whatever reason, I'm in the left lane, and traffic is slowing. I start doing the same, and she starts screaming about brake lights. Uh, I'd already seen them, and I was gradually slowing down. No wonder then, that once I exited the tunnel, I put my foot down...and kept the speed at around 75mph the rest of the way home.

With that said, I know exactly how it is. It sucks. In my family though, it seems to be common--my mother isn't the only one who has to run the show. One of my aunts (Grandma's younger sister) is exactly the same way. High-strung, OCD, and annoying. My aunt, like my mother, means well. But, having to deal with their shit gets tiring and irritating. I've said before that if she doesn't settle down, she'll give herself a heart attack.

We've done the family counseling crap. Things would change for a few weeks, and would go back exactly how they were before. Damage has already been done. My mother is probably the reason that *none* of her kids are married. Think about it, would you want to deal with a "crazy lady?"

With all that said...I do know this. Cooper, you have to take care of yourself and your sister first. Maybe the counselor knows of ways to get your sister out of the situation and away from the crazy?

[Cooper]

Well, he's only 46. (Around that.)

He is very capable at work. It's just at home he's never been right. I suspect his worsening behavior has to do a lot less with him, and a lot more with the fact that he's starting to realize both Sam and I are refusing to continue to put up with it.

[Tama]

I know how you feel, Cooper. A couple things are working in my and my fiance's favor where we won't really have to put up with his sister's shit and she's already tried to squash it through anger and such. (He arranged to buy a car from his friend, and I'm pretty sure he's heading towards a promotion)

Lots of coffee and chocolate since I can't hug you. :P

[Seshat]

I suspect his worsening behavior has to do a lot less with him, and a lot more with the fact that he's starting to realize both Sam and I are refusing to continue to put up with it.

That's actually a common reaction to people refusing to put up with unacceptable behaviour. You and Sam will need to continue to refuse to put up with it: and yes, this may mean finding a way to move out entirely.

If Sam has friends who have responsible - and understanding - parents, then if the parents agree, she could simply up and leave and stay the night at her friends' place whenever Dad starts being unacceptable.

If you and she fear that she might get reported as a Missing Person, you can file a notice with the police in advance - let them know that you and Sam are finding Dad's behaviour intolerable, and Sam will be staying with Responsible Adults at Safe Location when she leaves.

Also, that when they call to check that Sam's okay, neither of her parents is to be informed of her location. Only that she's safe, and refuses to return home until (time).

My suggestion is that she return after school the next day, and only stay while Dad behaves himself; otherwise she leaves again.


All of that said: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE talk to professionals. This is my personal best guess as to how to train him into good behaviour; but I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL. I also don't know what the legalities are where you are.