Not sure WTF is going on ...

[Pixilated]

I recently wrote to bro and sis to ask about two items of Mom's; a customer in "my store" had mentioned in passing she was looking for similar items. (I did NOT tell her I had any.)

Sis is still "not comfortable" selling any of Mom's personal things. What exactly is she planning to do when the house goes up for sale and ALL of Mom's personal things go into a dumpster? She's seen Mom; she's got to know that Mom is not coming home -- ever.

Obviously she would be OK with disposing of the stuff once Mom is gone, but Mom is doing well, physically and mentally, at the nursing home and could go on for years yet. Once I am out of school I am also out of this house; even if Mom is still with us, the house goes up for sale and her belongings go ... somewhere. Probably in the trash by that time, which is what seriously pisses me off, because 95% or more could be donated or sold (with the money going towards her care, of course ... if for nothing else than another six-pack of Coke, LOL).

Bro is currently on a driving holiday with his family so I'm not going to bring the issue up with him right now -- besides, he got a copy of her email so he's aware of it.

I'll ask for further instructions from him as Mom's PoA, maybe next time he calls -- he had said I should look into the cost of getting the living room furniture re-covered, and if by chance some upholsterer wanted to buy it (it's teak) that was fine by him. Since it definitely won't be fine with sis, I need to know whether to bother.

[sms001]

If it's not too personal a question, what are the ages involved here Pix? I ask b/c I'm kinda thinking Sis may have an issue with ageing herself: "Mom might come home" = "Nothing is really changing..."

[Aethian]

Maybe you could have a estate auctioneer come through and give some prices? That way you can say "The goods can sell for this much that can go to taking care of Mom." That way the items will definitely be going for a good cause.

[Pixilated]

sms001: Not too personal at all, LOL, and you may be right, but sis's history of being totally intolerant of other people's stresses leaves me with little sympathy for her if you are right. On top of everything else, she's in the health field ... she has just visited Mom. If she honestly believes Mom will ever recover enough to come home, then her future patients should be worried.

My own personal opinion is that she's just being obstructive because she can. Or perhaps she thinks that I think this is now my house and I should be allowed to do as I wish with it -- a curious state of mind for somebody who's well aware there's a 2-year "lease" on the house in question.

Anyway, I'll be 58 this year, brother just turned 50, and sis will be 42 in the fall.

Aethian: that's a good idea and in fact that's exactly where the money from anything that's sold would go. However, I don't think logic gets even a walk-on part here, so ...
In any case, she would be more likely to listen to bro, so I will leave it to him to bring up the sensible arguments to her.

[BookstoreEscapee]

I remember a previous thread on this but I don't remember your mom's exact condition. Is she in any way able to give her opinion?

[Pixilated]

Yeah, there was a previous thread, this is just sort of an update ... Mom's condition (as improved as she is) is that officially she's unable to manage her own affairs. Yeah, I could ask her opinion, but that would open a HUGE can of worms, not to mention that any reply I got would be considered invalid. (I should add that the official assessment is pretty accurate, so it's not a case of anybody trying to seize her assets, liquidate them, and run off to the tropics. Brother is her PoA and he and his wife have more money than the rest of us will EVER see. Also, he's honest. )

[sms001]

Anyway, I'll be 58 this year, brother just turned 50, and sis will be 42 in the fall.

Mom had a 16 year old, an 8 year old, and a newborn in the house at one time?
That's some brave grouping!

In any case, just the reverse of what I suspected - that sis was the oldest. Sounds like you have a pretty good handle on things; hope it results in a.) some money toward the home costs, and b.) reducing some clutter come estate sale time. Those are a LOT of work, even with am auction company involved.

[Pixilated]

Crap, my math is off: sis is 46! (Twelve years younger than me, not 16, LOL)

Still, you're right, that was quite the collection!

There's no problem with $$ for home repairs, since brother is PoA and the house needs to be kept in decent shape for its ultimate sale. The timely decluttering is the annoying point, particularly since (a) any monies would go towards stuff for Mom, (b) much could be donated but will have to be junked if it's left until the eleventh hour, and (c) I had to listen to a self-righteous rant by sis about how I needed to get rid of virtually all my stuff just before I moved down here ...

[PandaHat]

If brother has power of attorney then surely the decision will rest with him (assuming of course that he's making the decision in the best interest of your mum). So if he makes a decison, thenyou and your sister have to live with it. I'm sure that's how it is in the UK anyway. Also, even if your mum's opinion isn't valid legally, generally POA tend to try and take it into account. It may be worth asking, or it may be worth getting your brother to ask so sister can't accuse you of leading questioning.

[taxguykarl]

Some people just can't let go. My mom has a friend who still has the car her son owned when he fatally crashed...20+ years ago.

[Pixilated]

If brother has power of attorney then surely the decision will rest with him (assuming of course that he's making the decision in the best interest of your mum). So if he makes a decison, thenyou and your sister have to live with it. I'm sure that's how it is in the UK anyway. Also, even if your mum's opinion isn't valid legally, generally POA tend to try and take it into account. It may be worth asking, or it may be worth getting your brother to ask so sister can't accuse you of leading questioning.

Yes, the final decision is his, and he will be looking out for Mom's best interests first and foremost. I think the reason he is just letting this slide for the moment is that it's likely to be another two years before I leave the house, so there is not really any rush. I think -- I hope -- that somewhere in the next year or so, he will decide to start the process and will let sis know. He has also said he doesn't want to leave it until the last minute, although not for the same reasons as me (a lot of stuff here could be donated -- and some of it could be sold, with the money going into Mom's account. I think THAT is the stuff he will be willing to get rid of first).

taxguykarl, I can understand why your mother's friend clings to her son's car. But my sister is adamant that we not get rid of even Mom's underwear. WTF, is she actually going to claim it for herself and/or her teenage daughter??

[Seshat]

I suspect your sister is unwilling to admit to herself that Mum isn't going home. Unwilling to accept that her mother will never be the carer anymore, the matriarch, the ... well, the Mother-figure.

If anything is changed in 'her mother's house', then it causes cognitive dissonance. Jars at her denial of the situation. Until she's willing to accept the truth, you and your brother are just going to have to make the practical decisions without her.

Keep aside as many of the items that are worthy of being heirlooms or mementos as is practical; so that the three of you can make a fair division. This can include favourite items of clothing (not knickers!): I own and treasure a pair of gloves and a scarf of my Nan's. Both are just ordinary clothing items; neither would fetch fifty cents at a yard sale. But they're priceless to me.

Sort things that are truly just clutter (such as underwear of no sentimental value) into a 'clutter room' or the shed or whatever you have, so you and Brother can go through it, agree that it's clutter, hire a rubbish guy and get rid of it.
I hate to say this, but ... Sis doesn't have to know. Especially if she never even goes near the house.
If you think Sis might kick up a fuss, do this:
* Make a pile of the items you're labelling clutter (eg, undergarments), photograph them, stuck them in a garbage bag labelled undergarments. Make a document corresponding each photo with each garbage bag.
* When handing stuff off to the rubbish person, checklist each bag that goes.
That way, if Sis does take it to a family court magistrate, you and Brother have evidence of what you discarded.

As for the valuable items, you'll probably have to track the income gained and what it was used for; or which family member received it as a pre-inheritance; if Sis decides to get cranky.


I'm sorry this is happening to you all. And I refer you to my sig: if you really think she might take this to court, seek legal advice.