Does anyone speak cat?

[auntiem]

If it only really happens when "kneading" then you can 1) remove and hold the paws while keeping them on your lap 2) place a pillow inbetween you and the kneading cat and/or 3) try the soft paws (my vet will put them on for you if you ask - I've never used them, but it is listed on the grooming sheet at my vet).

Shrieking never works - for example, my current cat ambushed me from under the table as I walked by (no claws - just a stand up/jump up) - I screamed like a little girl on helium - needless to say my cat discovered a new favorite sqeak toy

This has worked with every cat I've ever had - instead of yelping in pain (and acting like prey) I put on my very best "you have hurt me and I'm disapointed voice" tell them they have wounded me and I don't want to play anymore and walk away. It seems to train them fairly well.

I was playing with my cat and he was having a great time, but inadvertently surfed on a sheet of newspaper over my foot, shreding it (my foot and the paper). He stopped right away and realized what he had done. For hours after he would sit at my mummified foot looking up to see if I had forgiven him yet. To this day, he won't go for a toy if it swings too close to my feet.

[MoonCat]

This is how cats express pleasure, plus it's a throwback to when they were kittens kneading mom's tits for milk.

Put something (gently) between you and the paws, like a small travel pillow or a large squishy cat toy.

I may be weird, but I actually like it when my cats do this. It's a demonstration of how happy they are, and that they trust you (and think of you as a big cat toy, possibly). But it can be prickly, so I just put something between me and the kitty paws.

Our cats have a stuffed pumpkin toy that they absolutely LOVE to knead. You might try getting a stuffed toy of some kind and keep it in your bed for a few days so it takes on your scent. Then encourage your cat to do her kneading on this toy.

[Sapphire Silk]

I keep a fleece blanket on the couch; Taz LOVES to knead that in preference to anything else.

I also have scratching boards in the bedroom and living room, since this is where I spend most of my time, so she can claw and scratch to her heart's content. She learned very quickly what they were for, and that they were hers; I've never had an issue with her clawing furniture (sitting on top of it is another matter).

I usually take her to the vet every couple of months to trim her claws since she can't tolerate me doing it, and my vision is so poor I really don't trust myself anyway.

I do have one issue that is sometimes cute, sometimes annoying. She likes to chew my hair. She'll sit on the back of the sofa and chew it while I watch TV or use the laptop. I don't know why. It only becomes a problem if she gets over excited and uses her paws to hold me still, and if I haven't trimmed the claws in awhile.

Anyone know why she'd do that? I'm no cat behaviorist.

[LesserSouthernFroglet]

With my two, I gently tap the offending paw and say loudly 'Claws!' If that doesn't work, I repeat the word while grasping and removing the paw from my (usually) leg. Step three is to turf the little terror off my lap before I require a tranfusion.

Usually the tap and word works just fine. The Young'n is the worst for kneading but she's starting to get the hang of it. The Old Fella is good, I just have to say the word and he stops.

It is indeed possible to train a cat, but it is entirely up to the cat if they want to obey or not...

Sapphire Silk - sounds like she's grooming you. It's a love thing. That or wondering if you taste good enough to eat! :-)

[Pixilated]

I've had unwanted acupuncture treatments as well, LOL. I've managed to train all my cats to accept nail trimming by initially offering one treat per nail trimmed ... trim the nail, give the treat, trim another nail, give another treat, etc. And when I was training them, I'd let them get down immediately if they got really restive. Now I can get through both front paws with little fuss. I don't trim their back claws only because they're not such an issue. And I tend to use a basic toenail clipper rather than anything bought in a pet shop; it seems to work perfectly well.

[Kaylyn]

Also, a low kind of growling scolding will work much better than a high-pitched squeal or scream. Think about a cat when they're angry, and that low yowl they make just before they strike out or run to safety. Try to mimic something in that range; that will likely register that you're upset in the cat's mind better than the normal human reaction.

[Seshat]

I do have one issue that is sometimes cute, sometimes annoying. She likes to chew my hair. She'll sit on the back of the sofa and chew it while I watch TV or use the laptop.

Shiro starts 'chewing' my hair by trying to groom it. It's long, however, so he ends up with this puzzle of his head being at the limit of its range, and he hasn't reached the end of the hair he's grooming.

Shiro is not the smartest, and puzzles like this are hard for him to solve. Sometimes he tries solving it by chewing.

Maybe this is how your cat started?

[XCashier]

If your cat is cooperative, keep the claws trimmed (don't cut the quick, the vein inside the claw!) or put the little silicone tips on his claws to stop him from hurting you; it will be far less traumatic than the surgery.

I trim my cats' front claws; they tolerate it. They don't particurlarly enjoy it, but they know I'm gentle and it won't take long. Be careful to only cut off the sharp hook on the end, and not the quick, like Kaylyn said. There are many different types of claw clippers on the market; you may wish to ask your vet or groomer for a recommendation.

And once the claws are trimmed, you've got a few pain-free weeks of kitty cuddles!

[BlaqueKatt]

You have two months. If I continue going out looking like I can't figure out what barbed wire fencing is for, drastic steps will be taken.

these may help-Soft paws basically vinyl claw covers(in all sorts of fun colors!), after about 6 months or so of wearing them most cats stop with the clawing.