is this person my boyfriend, or a glorified f**kbuddy?

[Dentarthurdent]

I kind of know what you guys are going to tell me on this one, but I want to see if there are any nuances here that I'm missing.

Some background knowledge that's necessary - I am polyamorous. For those

unfamiliar, in a nutshell, this means I am cool with having multiple romantic or sexual partners at the same time. FWIW I'm also pansexual (can be attracted to anyone of any gender/gender identity/non-gendered identity), but that doesn't factor into this much.

I started dating D. in January of 2012, mostly out of desperation to get laid. I never was particularly attached to him, and at least twice caught myself referring to him as "a ready source of sex" at the time. He was old enough to be my father. It was not my best decision ever. But we mostly had fun together, and once we broke a bed.

In May of that same year, I had a longtime friend, P., over (he lived a good three hour drive away) to spend the night. We got rather turned on while talking in bed, and rather than have sex with him without talking to D. first, we separated ourselves for a good half hour to calm down (your mind can fill in the blanks) and then went to sleep.

I talked to D. and he said that "considering my nature" he thought it extremely fitting that I have multiple partners. He just didn't want to hear anything about sex with P., and didn't want me to say anything to P. about sex with him. I agreed to this and was dating both of them briefly.

I moved most of the way across the country for work in July. D., who said he would follow me out here for a job at the same company, instead elected to take my 18-year-old former roommate out and hit on her shamelessly. I said earlier he was old enough to be MY dad, and I was 26 at the time. So I decided he was into the youngest women he could find (I look 18, which didn't help his case) and I was done with him, and told him as much. He repeatedly tried to add me back on Facebook and at one point I discovered he was following my page. I blocked him.

After I got here, I started dating K. in August, shortly after I dumped D. K. is the love of my life. I have never met any man so tender and gentle, and he has a great sense of humor and is smart and handsome, and I'll stop making you gag.

P., meanwhile, barely said word one to me from the time I got here until roughly November. And then it was to weasel out of coming to visit me, because he refuses to fly. I told him when my blackout dates were (days I was required to be available to work) and asked him to look up train tickets, and asked when he would have off school. He said he would have to get back to me. Frustrated, I said that most of the time, colleges have a full semester schedule posted on their websites, and he made some crack about how I could just as easily look up my own schedule online. Which was patently false - we only get our schedules about 48 hours in advance of the first day of the schedule, and they are certainly not available online. Especially a month in advance.

Around...January or so, P. started talking to me more often, and most of it was about how much we were looking forward to seeing each other at the geek
convention where we met in...2007, I believe. The con was in May. That was pretty much all we talked about for those months. In March, K. and I moved
into an apartment together. He was unable to come with me to the con. Meanwhile I had been talking to a friend of mine since about January, and
planned to have sex with him at the con as well. And before any of you ask, yes, I use protection. And yes, K. was aware I was going to be having sex with two other men and possibly a woman (which didn't pan out), and he was aware before I left.

Long story short, I had sex with P., I had sex with the friend (who is now a friend with occasional benefits), and at the con (we shared a hotel room), P. told me that he's basically dating me so that he has someone. That if he finds someone who wants him to be monogamous for them, then . Which basically made me . He also told me about his complex about being alone and lonely and how much of his life has been spent in solitude, and how god-awful that was.

So now P. has been seeing someone I met briefly when I was there in May. I guess they've been dating since about June. And he just posted on Facebook
about how she met his parents, and how they got along and stuff. I think it's extremely early for her to meet his parents, but hey, they live hundreds of miles from him and maybe they were visiting and she happened to come over. I don't mind that he's dating someone else. I do feel jealous and I'm not going to lie about that.

So I'm not going to say what I expect to hear, but fire away. There's a reason I come here for advice, and that's that all y'all rock at giving it. And the person in the title is P.

[sms001]

I wouldn't even say 'glorified' considering the understanding you both seem to have that you're there until a SO comes along, and that there isn't much urgency to overcome the LD aspects. But yeah, f**kbuddies with too much distance between you.

The jealousy seems pretty natural, we (should) all become a little attached to someone we're having sex with. Letting it out when that's not in the agreement is something else altogether.

It seems as if you and P are simply moving apart; you w/ K, and P w/ Junegirl. (And truth be told, living together seems a tad more serious than parent meeting. )

[Seshat]

P. told me that he's basically dating me so that he has someone. That if he finds someone who wants him to be monogamous for them, then . Which basically made me . He also told me about his complex about being alone and lonely and how much of his life has been spent in solitude, and how god-awful that was.

I've been dated by someone who wanted a girlfriend so he'd be more socially acceptable.

It sucked.

It hurt when I heard/realised.


Your turn: re-read what you typed there.

Then you tell me the answer to the question in the thread title.

[Ghel]

As someone who's only recently gotten into polyamory, here's my thoughts. Take it for what you will.

It can be difficult to define relationships, even to yourself. I have a primary relationship with my husband and several secondary relationships. (Granted, all the secondary relationships are online, currently.) Each relationship is different, and I get something different out of each one. (Though there is some overlap.) I spent some time defining the relationship with M last week, and we decided on friends, lovers, confidants, and fellow geeks. No one term covers it all, but that's the case in a lot of relationships.

It sounds like K is your primary relationship, and anybody else you're seeing is secondary, currently. How you label the relationship is up to you, but it does sound like all P's looking for in the relationship is sex. It sounds like he's not going to be interested in continuing with you now that he's dating Junegirl, but if he does, consider whether that's the sort of relationship you want. There's nothing wrong with having a relationship just for sex, but it's not for everybody.

That got wordier than I expected, but I hope it makes sense.

[wolfie]

Polyamory is wrong - from an etymological viewpoint. It's the sort of thing that happens when people spend too much time watching television and not enough time studying.

[Eisa]

Hey. I'm polyamorous and pansexual, too! And married.

He doesn't even sound like a glorified f-buddy, he sounds like an f-buddy who is using you for sex and while that isn't necessarily a bad thing of course, he doesn't sound particularly...nice because of what Seshat said. I'd be kind of going WTF at someone who told me they were dating me "so they have someone" because I would want someone to be with me for me. Even if they are a friend with benefits or whatever.

Just my thoughts...

[Moirae]

I'm a little confused as to why this is confusing. He's not looking for a relationship with you, he's looking for some fun until he finds someone. It's obvious to me that if you insist on being polyamorous, then I don't see why this would be a shock to you. Not everyone is the same and there's nothing that says he has to be with you and someone else or be ok with you being with someone else.

Personally, if my husband ever announced that he's polyamorous, he'd better run because he does not want me to get my hands on him after that announcement and I'd be gone that day.

Then again... he never would and neither would I. He's the love of my life.

[Dentarthurdent]

It's obvious to me that if you insist on being polyamorous, then I don't see why this would be a shock to you. Not everyone is the same and there's nothing that says he has to be with you and someone else or be ok with you being with someone else.

Um, wow...he knew I was poly when he started going out with me, and well before that. It was, in fact, a deciding factor.

[Dentarthurdent]

Then again... he never would and neither would I. He's the love of my life.

...And K. is the love of mine...I guess I'm missing something here.

[Seshat]

Moirae is inherently monogamous, and her husband knows this. He loves her, and they made an agreement to be monogamous, therefore he will respect that monogamy.

You and K are (I presume) both inherently poly. Thus, the agreement between you differs from Moirae's and her husband's.

[iradney]

If we can keep the judgemental tone out of the replies, that would be greatly appreciated. Otherwise there will be infractions.

[sms001]

I kind of know what you guys are going to tell me.... So I'm not going to say what I expect to hear,

So this has simmered for a week now, did you get anything new, or about what you expected, or what? Inquiring minds wanna know.

[Dentarthurdent]

I pretty much heard what I expected. I've found out some other information regarding how manipulative he's been of me behind the scenes, and I'm working on telling him exactly what I think about it.

While I knew that people would be blunt with me, it's still sometimes best for me to see it in black and white to help me out of wallowing in denial.

[blas]

I'm not poly but I can tell you straight up, no matter who you are or what you like, being used as a "filler" (sorry, such a mean word, but the only one I can think of) is just the shittiest feeling. No one needs to be treated that way.

[Dentarthurdent]

added detail and an update

I neglected to mention the part where I had the friend-with-benefits over in our hotel room (that P. paid for). He went a little ballistic on me, not for having someone in OUR room, but for only giving him one text message worth of warning that I was in the room with someone and not to come in because...well, from my perspective, because he didn't want to see a naked man (he's straight). Yeah, so I was being a little bit of an ass. I've been known to do that; ask my best friend about the night I co-opted her bathtub when she came home with a one-night stand....ahem...

This last bit is probably not going to make sense to a lot of people. Feel free to roll your eyes at me; that's fine and I'm used to people thinking my beliefs are silly, which is why I don't usually talk about them in the real world, or I condense them a lot and leave out the crazier bits.

I am a magical practitioner. There are a lot of other terms for what I do; most of them make me some level of uncomfortable. P. also uses magic or energy, though I don't think he views it the same way I do. When he came over to my house the first time (this was while I still lived a couple hours from him), he remarked on how immediately and completely he felt at ease in my bedroom, and how well-grounded it was. I was pleased at the compliment on my tiny fortress. I played a much-loved album for him, and he pointed out what I'd never noticed - it was perfect for dancing.

As we danced, a spirit appeared in the corner of my room, bristling with anger and brandishing a sword at him. He asked me who the angry blonde man was. "Oh, that's just Steve*", I replied, not stopping to think why Steve wouldn't want this guy in my room. I basically told Steve it was fine and I had invited him there.

Later during that same evening, P. told me about someone who had been supposed to meet him at the con that year. She had ignored his messages for the last few days leading up to the con, and had accidentally bumped into him at con and told a lie about why she didn't hang out with him. In response, he sent off the...let's just say the really angry and dangerous portion of his soul, let's just call it the manifestation of his id, that's the closest I can get without describing it in too much detail...out to take revenge on her. While I understand being pissed that someone lied to you, sending something with intent to ruin their life is way over the top.

Well, last night I sat down to write P. a letter about what has been discussed on this board. The minute I concentrated on the blank page in my word processor, I was overcome with terror. I mentioned this to my best friend over IM, and she agreed that it wasn't a normal reaction and took a look at what was causing it. P. had apparently attached something to me that would alert his...id-creature...if I were to do anything that would even mildly piss him off.

I was somewhat less than pleased. My higher self, in a very uncharacteristic move, snarled at me that she would take care of this without my involvement when I asked her for advice, and the creature, to my knowledge, is currently bound in a way that has to be undone by the binder. So now I'm writing an angry, but considered, letter and waiting for .

*Steve, while he may indeed have gone by it at one point or another, is not the name by which I know him.