I never thought I'd be making this post (LONG)

[PhiSigGirl1988]

Good luck Cooper! You know we'll all be anxiously waiting to hear how everything goes.

[Seshat]

Chronic lying and manipulation may be a maladaption.

What I mean by that:

You were in circumstances which required you to adapt in some way to get what you needed. The adaption you used may have been chronic lying and manipulation.

You are taking yourself out of that situation. Now, chronic lying and manipulation causes you problems instead. Now it's a maladaption.

Your therapist is (or should be!) qualified to not only determine if my guess is accurate, but help you heal/recover, and stop doing it.

[Pixilated]

*snip*

I don't know. I feel like they think this is very black-and-white. Like one person has to be the problem, take all the blame.
*snip*.

(Emphasis is mine.) I think you have pinned it right there. They're looking for a scapegoat and at the moment, you're it.

Sorry, but I can't remember ... is your sister a legal minor? Did she have to return to your parents?

I hope as well that your therapist recognizes your parents' pre-emptive strike for what it is: an attempt at manipulation.

[Cooper]

Yes, she's 16.

Yes, I've noticed several 'maladaptations' in my behavior, and I can't really determine if it's that my parents were abusive, or my mental illnesses (which I can track back to 2002) made it so the line where I would be affected like someone who was abused was much closer than most's. Something I'll find later.

I'm very sensitive to emotions. I totally failed a test in sociology (thankfully not graded) where you had to name the emotions, but I could 'feel' the ones to respond positively and negatively to. I've been able to name people with deep-seated rage with pretty much 100% accuracy (the one I was wrong about appears to be my college English teacher, who admonished me once, then was like "But that's alright. You can fix it.")

I view lying as a double-or-nothing scenario. I either get in double-the-trouble (as my dad has a huge honesty kick) or I get none.

I've found manipulation got me out of trouble tons of times. I'd probably make a decent manager if I got it under control. I remember my 3rd grade teacher catching me forging my mom's signature on my planner (as she had to acknowledge I wrote today's assignments in it), and I told her I'd do lunch detention for a week if she didn't tell my mom. It appeared to her to be an equal punishment, but I didn't have friends and it pretty much meant nothing to me.

My lack of willingness to accept compliments is something I share with my sister. (She reveals she very rarely expects compliments to be genuine.) And my being incredibly hard on myself. (also something I share with my sister.)

My doctor pointed out that I take an inordinate amount of responsibility for things going on around me. For example, when my friend had a total mental breakdown, I went behind her back and told her mom what was going on. (which took a bit of detective work, seeing as I didn't know her mother's name.) Our friendship might have ended with that, if she wasn't such a hard person to piss off.

I don't plan to stop working towards keeping my bunny, mostly due to the positive effect she's had on me. (During my meltdown-turned-panic-attack-turned-meltdown on Tuesday, my sister put my bunny in my arms, and I started to calm down.) But after that, I'll work on shutting that unconscious manipulation down.

I told my sister tonight:

Cooper: Mom said she thinks you shouldn't be involved in this, because she thinks you're not really a part of this.
By the way Sis, you're welcome to say no to me sometimes.
Most of the time, if you'd like.
I want you to be happy, and if I'm pushing something that won't make you happy, just tell me.
Sister Alright.
Cooper: I do feel like your third parent. One of my teachers mentioned it to me actually. She said she was like me: so busy parenting her siblings she decided she didn't want kids, because she felt like she already had them.
We all had a hand in trying to make your autism better. I didn't have the best hand in it--I was still a kid--but people treated me like your third parent, and I accepted that role.
But you don't have to accept that role. I am, after all, still your sister.
So, do you really want to go on the college scouting trip with me?

Sister: It'd be good for me to get a look at other colleges still.

They have an appointment at 5 today. They didn't tell me this, I found out when I called to confirm the appointment, and found there were two under my name. So he'll see them in-person first.

(If parts of this don't make sense, I stopped writing the book I'm working on tonight precisely because I'm starting not to make sense. Can't go to bed though. Too anxious. Might play a casual game or something.)

[Seshat]

Yes, I've noticed several 'maladaptations' in my behavior, and I can't really determine if it's that my parents were abusive, or my mental illnesses (which I can track back to 2002) made it so the line where I would be affected like someone who was abused was much closer than most's. Something I'll find later.

Whatever the cause, you're handling it well. You're working on it, you're seeing a professional to help you, and you're trying to get out of situations which will cause them to continue and/or get worse.

I also note what Pixelated picked up. The whole 'one person has to be to blame'. Bah. For one thing, I consider that to be crud. For another, your parents were the adults in the situation: you and your sister the children. If anyone was 'supposed' to be in control, it was them.

[Cooper]

My parents invited me to have dinner before the therapy session, and then ride with them.

I'm saying yes to dinner, no to riding with them. I know it uses more gas, but I'm not putting myself in that situation.

[Cooper]

It went better than okay. Dinner was quite pleasant.

During the therapy session, they acknowledged my mental illnesses do exist, and they won't just go away with hard work (I think it helped that the therapist mentioned his son had similar problems, and being a psychologist made him feel even more helpless.)

They are going to let me keep the bunny, and I'm moving back into the basement. (Being unemployed and in debt I pretty much have no choice.) We're going to get explicit rules for things, that are reasonable.

Instead of: Cat's box not done? get rid of the cat! It'll probably be:

Cat's box not done? Give me your camera.

We discussed my medication. They felt I was addicted to them, and that was a problem. I mentioned I was off one, (inderal) and next doctor's visit I'm getting off Paxil. I have to let Lamictal get in my system first.

We're going back in a few weeks, and we'll see how that goes.

[Aislin]

Wow. Your therapist agreed to you going off meds. That doesn't sound right.

[Seshat]

My best friend A - the one with schizoaffective disorder - has been on and off different meds at different times.

The trick with mental illness is finding the correct med (or meds) for the patient. If Cooper's doctor and therapist consider her new meds to be an improvement over her old ones (for her), then YAY.

[Pixilated]

Smart move to say yes to dinner and no to the ride ... if dinner had gotten unpleasant, at least you wouldn't have been cooped up in the car with them immediately afterwards, there and back.

Glad to hear there appears to have been some headway made. I hope it continues!

[Cooper]

Yeah, right now I'm on:

Ultram for pain
Lamictal and Paxil for depression and anxiety
And I just got off Inderal.
I also take Vitamin D and Magnesium, due to a deficiency (anyone who's seen me wasn't surprised I wasn't getting enough sun) and fibromyalgia.

In three months I want to talk to my GP about getting off paxil. Paxil is one of the more dangerous antidepressants, and I never wanted to be on it long-term, but Lamictal just started getting in my system, so I want to give it some chance to build up.

I didn't tell them the truth about why I went in a separate car. I claimed I had to pick up a prescription and didn't want to bother them, which they bought without issue. (There's that lying thing again.)

[Cooper]

Well, I might have ADHD. (I'm waiting for the results of the psych screening for that one.)

Basically, we have agreed to put it in writing to help me (therapist suggested it.)

And, the bounty thing is to give me an immediate need to do it. Things slip my mind otherwise. They hardly stick to regular punishments. I can't see them like, taking away my camera forever.

[MoonCat]

Well, I might have ADHD. (I'm waiting for the results of the psych screening for that one.)

Basically, we have agreed to put it in writing to help me (therapist suggested it.)

And, the bounty thing is to give me an immediate need to do it. Things slip my mind otherwise. They hardly stick to regular punishments. I can't see them like, taking away my camera forever.

Make yourself a list of things you're supposed to do and postng it where you can't avoid seeing it. This has worked for me, because stuff I need to do slips my mind too, especially when it's something I don't enjoy doing. Think of it as just daily stuff that you have to do, and stuff that benefits others (kitty needs a clean box, and you love the cat )

[Cooper]

aand what little trust and relationship we had built has been toppled.

I've made several notes to NEVER talk to Dad in more than one-word sentences, a bare minimum. He's said:

He doesn't approve of my spending habits. We agreed 5 hours a week will go to my outstanding heat bill, and anything outside of that is mine to spend as I please. And getting decent boots, a half-mask, and a flashlight is a solid investment for someone who likes urban exploration.

And speaking of urban exploration, he says he doesn't understand how I can have anxiety, but enjoy exploring abandoned buildings. He's starting to imply it's a sign I'm faking it.

And he's saying I still am demonizing him.

And I asked him what my sister's bedtime was, and he said: "That's another thing. You're not your sister's parent."

So that's it, I'm done. Fuck it. Fuck him. I'm sure the next family therapy session will be about my sister's internet addiction anyway, and I won't have to deal with it. I'm not her parent, after all.

After the last session, I accepted my mistakes, thought we were getting somewhere, and decided to let my resentment of him go, but he refuses to offer me the same courtesy.

Edit: I can tell this is really stressing me out because I'm getting chest pains, and I have been since this conversation

[Cooper]

My anxiety followed no logic since it started. I mean, here was a list of things that regularly showed up in my fears, or regular rituals I had to get rid of them:

Toilet monsters. Only in public bathrooms. I avoided them entirely, and still do for anything beyond peeing, until my mother told me about having to go to the hospital from holding it in too long. True or not, I decided to risk the toilet monsters. I'd flush the toilet and run.

Being poisoned by public drinking fountains. I'd let the water run a few seconds.

Upsetting people by the clothes I wore. I never wore clothes with words, labels, or designs on them until after I got on medication.

Axe murderers coming into the house at night.

Being followed in my car. This sounds like a semi-normal fear, actually, if someone keeps making the same turns you do if they're following you.

Monsters under my bed that would grab my feet at night. They had to be covered at all times.

Monsters in the open-face stairs. I'd just run up and down them.

And I'm sure this is only a partial list.

I do ask myself why I do urban exploration every time I climb into a building, and the reasons I've come up with are:

Gothic fascination
The bar for good photography, or even photography in urbex, is quite high, so each time I get a good set it feels like more of an accomplishment than if I just walked outside and snapped some photos.
I like seeing what people leave behind, and the 'personality' of the building after people are gone.

And of course I take proper precautions. The half mask is for asbestos, and since I have crap lungs already, I should have gotten that before I even started. I know the signs of a drug lab (the smells, people being around or in it, and man-made traps) and what to do if I find it, which is run. I know what to do if I meet a squatter: offer them a cigarette, ask permission for photos, be respectful.

And those are the only two people I might have to worry about, since the other people who come to these buildings are other urban explorers, graffiti artists, and sometimes scrappers. (But scrappers tend to come long before I get there.)

As for animals, there is only one poisonous snake in my state, and it's rare. Animals that dislike you tend to let you know you're in their space, and I can always come back another time.

And I very rarely go to a second level of a building, and I usually estimate how old the building is first before I do that, to consider my chances of falling through.

I know it's weird, and it's dangerous, but I was always kinda pleased to find my parents didn't really have a problem with this. Until now, I guess.