Need help regarding my mom... again

[snugglegirl05]

http://www.customerssuck.com/board/s...d.php?t=100370

The link above pertains to this post.

I am frustrated. I cannot think clearly. I do not know what to do.

In 2000 my mom and I bought a new car because the one she had at the time, which was bought in 1985, was about to give out. Since she could not afford a car on her own, I helped out.

I helped pay my half of the 1) car loan, 2) car registration, 3) car insurance and 4) gas when needed.

The car was paid off several years ago.

However, I was still paying my half of the car registration and car insurance.

Recently my mom's car had to be repaired... to the tune of roughly $1800.

At the time, I was not asked to pay half of the car repair bill, but tonight I was.

The problem is this....

I am paying off my discover card bill... the majority of that bill is for cash advances my mom asked me to take out back in the 1990's to help pay for her bills as well as purchases she made. She had asked me to put her on my credit card as an authorized purchaser. My current balance is over $6000. I have not used that card to pay for anything in several years. I am paying off the balance, but I can only afford the minimum payment.

I do not have $900 to give to her. With the money that I and my husband make, we can afford the basics.... food, rent, doctor visits, medications for his diabetes, blood pressure, and high cholesterol, cell phone bill, phone bill, internet bill, and bus fare. We do not have $900 to give to my mom.

Mom told me tonight that she wanted me to know what it is like to own a car... a car that she or the guy mentioned in the link above use to take us to the grocery store, doctor office or on other errands. I would not be surprised if I am asked to pay for half of the car insurance bill as well as the car registration every year.

Another problem I am dealing with is this...

This is concerning the guy who is mentioned in the link above... The one who takes us to the grocery store and so on.

The majority of our errands are done in the immediate area where we live.

According to my mom, that guy wants her gas tank to be half full after he uses the car for any reason, including taking us on our errands in the immediate area where we live. That means that we spend $10.00 or more on gas when our errands are done.

When he uses mom's car, it is for the following reasons:

• to go see his girlfriend in another part of the city we live in, and we live in a large city
• to pick up his girlfriend to take back to his place for the night or for a couple of days and then to drive her back home
• to go see a friend of his who lives in another part of the city we live in
• to do errands for mom
• for transportation to and from short-term jobs

He also decides whether or not the air conditioner inside the car needs to be turned on. When we ask him to turn it on, he does not. This has happened when it was very hot outside.

For him and mom... What do I do?

For mom... I am at my wits end. I do not know what to do.

Help!

[MoonCat]

Hate to say it but your mom has been taking advantage of you. Now I completely understand wanting to help her out when you can....it's your mom after all...but she's going too far. The car is paid for, it's no longer your problem. You're paying off cash advances that SHE wanted. I think that's quite enough help at this point.

And "she wants you to know what it's like to own a car"? You're an ADULT. She has no right to push you into anything.

Someone here on CS, I forget who, uses the phrase "I'm sorry, that won't be possible." I suggest repeating this until she gets it. Say it with love, but firmly, and don't discuss it beyond that. Your finances are your business, and you have to take care of yourself and your husband. Your mom is a grown woman; she's going to have to handle the repair bill on her own.

[mathnerd]

Hate to say it but your mom has been taking advantage of you. Now I completely understand wanting to help her out when you can....it's your mom after all...but she's going too far. The car is paid for, it's no longer your problem. You're paying off cash advances that SHE wanted. I think that's quite enough help at this point.

And "she wants you to know what it's like to own a car"? You're an ADULT. She has no right to push you into anything.

Someone here on CS, I forget who, uses the phrase "I'm sorry, that won't be possible." I suggest repeating this until she gets it. Say it with love, but firmly, and don't discuss it beyond that. Your finances are your business, and you have to take care of yourself and your husband. Your mom is a grown woman; she's going to have to handle the repair bill on her own.

I know I use that phrase, and have suggested it on this site before, but I know I'm not the only one. I do agree. Every time she asks for money, either this $900 or anything else, just say "I'm afraid that won't be possible". If she asks why, just repeat yourself, like a broken record. Sure she'll get mad, but that's really not your problem.

One bit of advise I learned from another site is "Don't JADE". JADE stands for "Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain." You don't have to do any of that. The reason you don't want to is because every time you give a reason or argument, the other person will just come back with a reason why what you said isn't valid or doesn't count in this situation. It opens up the door for that person to play the pity card, or lay a guilt trip. If you refuse to engage, they can't do that.

What's happened in the past is in the past. You know you're never going to get the money back for the cash advances, so for your own sanity, just let it go. Keep paying off the balance, and if you haven't done so already, take her off the card as an authorized user. If you think she'll try to use it anyway, ask the company to turn off her card or issue you a new card with a new number so she can't use it online or over the phone. Think of this as a very expensive lesson in dealing with your mother and don't ever let her get you in this trap again.

[snugglegirl05]

Found this out from my husband

I just found this out from my husband.

This is regarding the guy who borrows mom's car.

My husband was at his place a couple of months ago, and he noticed some of his movies and computer games missing. So he asked him what happened to them. Turns out the guy pawned those movies and computer games to have gas money to go see his girlfriend.

So he does not have the money up front to pay for gas.

And my mom has no idea that this happened.

[snugglegirl05]

Any money you are paying for gas...does it go to him or your mother?

No. My husband uses our debit card to pay for gas. He does not give that guy money to pay for gas.

He and I chose not to depend on that guy to take us to the grocery store and so on beginning today. We both know someone else who is willing to help us out, and he is much more reasonable regarding our paying for gas. My husband told me that he will not let the guy who was taking us to the grocery store know that we will not be needing his help.

[Seshat]

The best advice I have for you regarding your mother in general is what I said in the last thread.

As for the car: I think you're doing right, by dissociating yourselves from the need to use that car.

With the friend who's helping you, some car clubs provide cost-estimates of how much it costs per year or per km (or mile) to run different cars. You can use that to work out a fair gas-plus-maintenance-plus-inconvenience fee.

Victoria, Australia, car running costs

[Arcus]

Sounds to me like you have already been paying for a car you don't get to use. You mother is being taken advantage of and wants you to pay for it. You need to sit her down and show her how much you have paid (and still paying) on her debts and tell her that you can't pay this one too.

[dougall]

If your mother owes you a lot of money and you don't expect to get it back then tell her to take it out of the money she owes you.

[Pixilated]

*snip* Every time she asks for money, either this $900 or anything else, just say "I'm afraid that won't be possible". If she asks why, just repeat yourself, like a broken record. Sure she'll get mad, but that's really not your problem.

One bit of advise I learned from another site is "Don't JADE". JADE stands for "Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain." You don't have to do any of that. The reason you don't want to is because every time you give a reason or argument, the other person will just come back with a reason why what you said isn't valid or doesn't count in this situation. It opens up the door for that person to play the pity card, or lay a guilt trip. If you refuse to engage, they can't do that.

*snip*

This, for those very reasons. Any reason you come up with, she'll beat down, so don't give her anything other than polite, flat refusals. Yes, she'll get pissed off BECAUSE you're not giving her anything she can get a handle on. But that's her problem ... as are these bills.

If your mother owes you a lot of money and you don't expect to get it back then tell her to take it out of the money she owes you.

Great suggestion!

[snugglegirl05]

Update

I sent the guy who was taking my husband and I on our errands an e-mail about the fact that my husband told me that he is aware that he *the guy* pawned some of his personal belongings to pay for gas to go and see his girlfriend and how I felt about that as well as what I felt he should do, which is to tell my mom. I also carbon copied my husband on that e-mail.

I also sent my mom an e-mail letting her know that due to the fact that I have a discovercard bill of over $6000, which is mainly due to my taking out cash advances to pay her debts, I do not have the money to pay the car repair bill or any other car related bills. I let her know that 1) the discovercard bill needs to be paid off first, 2) I have not used my discover card in a long time to buy anything and 3) I am in debt because of what I did for her. I have been paying off the balance instead.

[Pixilated]

Same here. Good for you; I imagine those emails weren't easy.

Neither recipient is going to be happy but that's their problem. You do not owe it to your mother to help her out any more, other than perhaps by directing her to some reputable workshop on handling money. She may try to guilt you into throwing more cash at the problem, even if it's "Just this once more and then never again, I swear!!!" Don't let her.

[snugglegirl05]

Replies and update

As for the male friend of my husband... he denied the fact that he had to pawn some of his personal belongings so he could have money for gas.

He is avoiding my husband and me... even when we are at my Mom's place and he is there.

As for my mom... not much until I recently sent her another e-mail. This time it was about having that guy pay half of all of the car related expenses since he is the one driving the car, about the fact that my husband and I rarely need to have that guy take us anywhere, and that if we need his help, we will only pay for our share of the gas.

She wanted to know what prompted me to send it.

[MoonCat]

My answer to her question would be, "Comon sense."

You took a good, long look at the situation, including your own finances, and concluded that this is the best solution.

[snugglegirl05]

My answer to her question would be, "Common sense."

You took a good, long look at the situation, including your own finances, and concluded that this is the best solution.

This is how I responded to her reply. I also included the fact that the guy who drove us to the store and so on 1) drives her car, not my husband or me, 2) puts more wear and tear on her car compared to my husband or me & probably her as well, and so 3) he should pay for half of all the car related expenses *gas, upkeep, car repairs, car insurance and so on*. I also sent the guy the same e-mail. Now I am waiting for replies.

[Antares]

Good luck.