Unwanted Gifts

[HawaiianShirts]

I'm trying to raise two kids. My wife and I both have some ideals that we're trying to reach. We want the kids to be honest and have a good work ethic and all that, but we're also trying to teach some environmental responsibility and an understanding that entertainment media (movies, video games, TV shows, etc.) are fun but should be consumed in moderation.

For example, my son has a strict limit of two hours of screen time each day. (He rarely reaches that limit, but when he does, he sticks to it.) Video games are a family activity, meaning that it's a multi-player game or a one player game with a story that the non-players can enjoy. Character-themed toys are a rarity, partly because we can get better toys without the character theme and partly because Little Shirts just doesn't connect with most characters. Many of his toys are (at least partially) made of wood, metal, or cloth rather than all plastic. Stuff like that.

A combination of those ideals and limited financial resources make it so that we almost never go out to movies, are very selective about the movies we buy, get only local broadcast TV stations, and don't bother with TV or movie subscription services.

Then there's my dad.

He loves movies. He loves anything by Disney or involving the Looney Tunes characters. He has a huge DVD collection and a satellite TV service.

He also loves his grandchildren, and he shows that love by buying them stuff. This, I don't mind. It's his way of expressing affection, and I don't want to stop that. Little Shirts really likes getting packages in the mail, too.

We've told Dad our preferences. We've specifically asked him and my step-mom to try to find non-plastic alternatives when toy shopping if they can (but if they can't, that's okay) and to avoid character-themed toys. And my wife has specifically said "no pink" for our daughter unless she herself requests it (which she can't yet because she's not even a month old).

But ever since Little Shirts turned 2, Dad's been steadily increasing his purchases of stuff we don't want. Disney/Pixar "Cars" themed backpack, sleeping bag, and music-playing tricycle. Disney/Pixar "Planes" themed coat and had. "Monsters University" themed hoodie (four sleeves, which thoroughly confused my son). Pink Minnie Mouse plate and flatware set for when Baby Shirts starts on solid food. Pink Minnie Mouse bibs. Personalized "Simba" jumpsuit and slippers for Baby Shirts. Monsters University themed baby towels. A Tonto costume from Disney's rendition of "The Lone Ranger." The list goes on and on. Little Shirts has seen one of those movies ("Cars"), and that only two or three times.

So after all that rambling mess, here's my question: How do I continue to allow my dad to show his love for his grandchildren by buying them gifts but stop him from buying stuff they won't understand or won't use?

My wife wants to just return or give away most of the stuff the moment we pull it out of the shipping box, but I can't justify that. Dad has put time, effort, and money into this, thinking that the gifts will be well received and appreciated, and just tossing them out or sending them back would hurt him. But it's like he's deliberately ignoring our requests or, worse, undermining our efforts to raise our kids with the values that we think are important.

Any ideas?

Note: We have Amazon.com wish lists set up for each family member, and we've pointed them out (as "here are some gift ideas if you need some suggestions") multiple times. Doesn't work.

[Tama]

I would say donate, because that way they're not going to waste.

[fireheart]

I'd also provide a suggestion of checking with places such as Waldorf toy shops, as EVERYTHING they sell is either wood or other natural materials. If he gets stuck, there's plenty he'd find there.

[Seshat]

I suspect he wants his grandkids to have things he enjoys to share with him.

Try helping your Dad find things he enjoys that are within your ethics, that he can share with the kids.

[AnaKhouri]

Would he be open to purchasing them experiences rather than things? We have spoken to our families about this and they are happy to buy things like tickets to plays or events, zoo/aquarium/museum memberships or magazine subscriptions for our son, as we don't the kid to drown in toys. You said you don't get out very much so this might be a way for him to give the whole family a gift of some time together.

Magazines in particular also come in the mail and my son loves getting his Highlights every month. It's not quite the same as opening a package with toys in it, but it sounds like your dad is distant anyway and doesn't get to see the kids open their presents.

Would you be open to letting him buy your son books with these characters in them rather than toys? We limit the number of toys our son can have but will never limit the number of books and put no restrictions on the content. He has many books with licensed characters but none of them are really his favorites (for instance, we have read books with characters from Cars, but when we watched the movie he was bored with it and has never asked for any other merchandise).

[iradney]

I second the experiences and/or books/educational magazines things.

[Moogles]

We have the same issue with my in-laws. My daughter has things she's interested in (My Little Pony, Batman, and Transformers) and that's it. Both myself and hubby feel that Dora talks down to kids (hello 2 minute gaps for no reason) and that Barbie is way too unrealistic. Most of my daughters toys, barring the ponies, involve building and creativity; and she herself would rather read a book then play with Dora.

What does MIL buy her? Dora and Barbie. Repeatedly. I finally told her that any of that stuff that gets bought will just get donated. We don't approve and kiddo doesn't like playing with it anyway. Kiddo is used to donating things anyway, we get her to donate toys every birthday and holiday so she doesn't have too much, and kids who can't have toys will get some.

[crazylegs]

Would you be open to having different toys for the little shirts to play with at your Dads house? So your Dad can still show affection but the little shirts know that those toys are 'Grandad house toys' and you can have what you want in your house.

[Pixilated]

Excellent suggestions here. I have to say, I think your assessment ("But it's like he's deliberately ignoring our requests or, worse, undermining our efforts to raise our kids with the values that we think are important.") is probably accurate. I don't think he's being deliberately difficult; he's just the basic, garden-variety indulgent grandparent who figures "Oh, they'll just love this and it's just one toy!" Is there any way you can explain to him that the kids really do have way too many toys (and this might be a good way to segue into the experiences/books/educational toys/Waldorf suggestions)?

It sounds like you are geographically separated (you mentioned the kids love getting things in the mail) -- could you get away with donating items after, say, a couple of months, without him knowing?

[cindybubbles]

How about educational toys, like painting sets and baby grand pianos? What about puzzles and board games when the kids are older?

Or better yet, how about making the presents themselves?

[BlaqueKatt]

He loves movies. He loves anything by Disney or involving the Looney Tunes characters. He has a huge DVD collection and a satellite TV service.

But ever since Little Shirts turned 2, Dad's been steadily increasing his purchases of stuff we don't want.

I notice it's "we don't want" and not the kids don't want.

I used to be like that, until I realized, refusing something because of what it's marketing(nevermind if it's cute, or the kid likes it), is just as bad as ONLY purchasing certain brands. Kids only care really if a toy is fun, making a big deal about "OMG it's a CARS tie in" is pushing your desires on your kids, and not allowing them to make their own choices. If it's fun, the child likes it, it makes zero difference what color it is or whats on it. I never saw finding nemo(neither did my son), but my son liked the turtle on a shirt-he got the shirt and didn't care about anything other than it had a cute turtle.

Teach your kids HOW to think not WHAT to think. The wooden toys will last the plastic ones won't-give your kids credit to figure that out on their own rather than trying to fight a pointless battle based on just a dislike for marketing.

My son loved barbies and my little pony, and matchbox cars, and one disney movie character(stitch FWIW), telling him he couldn't play with any of these(you're a boy, I don't want you playing with gender based toys, so no toy cars-only dolls) would be just as bad as saying "you're a boy, play with x"

[MoonCat]

Perhaps I'm just cynical, or I'm still crabby from the last five very frustrating, irritating workdays, but I suspect your dad doesn't agree with you on not buying this type of stuff. He feels the kids are being deprived of stuff that "all kids like". If it was just a case of wanting them to have something he also enjoys, surely he could find something to enjoy among all the things that are okay with you. But he doesn't. Even after being asked not to buy Disney toys, etc., he continues to do so.

So I second the donation idea, and the idea for tickets to museums, etc. Because you've made your wishes clear and he's not respecting them.

[fireheart]

My son loved barbies and my little pony, and matchbox cars, and one disney movie character(stitch FWIW), telling him he couldn't play with any of these(you're a boy, I don't want you playing with gender based toys, so no toy cars-only dolls) would be just as bad as saying "you're a boy, play with x"

I remember hearing this story of a boy in a Steiner school running up to his mum with a Steiner doll*. He then proceeded to ask his mum if she could see the facial expression on the dolls face!
On top of that, the Class One classroom had a dollhouse in it that both boys and girls played with.

*steiner dolls tend to come in two flavours. Flavour one has minimal facial expressions but still has facial features. Flavour two is basically those wooden dolls with no faces at all and dressed in scraps of clothing. A variation on #2 is ones made of wool felt (not the stuff you stick on your pool table)

ETA: If you can, maybe suggest the idea of providing arts/craft toys or things that promote exploration and discussion? There are some beautiful toys that can be bought at Steiner/Waldorf-esque shops that encourage this and not all of them are overly pricey. National Geographic shops might be good for that too.

[HawaiianShirts]

Thanks for all the tips and comments, everybody. We're not trying to completely prevent our kids from certain toys, but we do want some control over what they're exposed to. I really like the "experience" gift ideas and will have to make a list of places around here the kids want to go.

In any case, we had what I thought was a pretty good conversation with Dad when he came to visit a weekend ago. He seemed to understand. Not two days after he left, I got an email with a product list of yet more stuff he'd ordered for us, all of which went against our requests. Can't tell whether he just didn't get the message, he forgot, or he doesn't care and will just do what he wants.

BUT! He has given us permission to give away what we don't want. So, we're going to sort through the unwanted gifts carefully, keep some, and donate some.

(Most of the time, I think he's just trying to be a generous grandpa. He's also sent some really awesome stuff that we've all enjoyed, so I can't complain too much.)

[Kogarashi]

I would think that he's not doing it to deliberately go against your wishes, and is more likely either forgetting your preferences or just overwhelmed with what strikes him as the perfect gift for his kids.

Case in point: my husband's parents and aunt dote on our kids and my SIL's kids. A lot of things they get are awesome and wonderful gifts, but they also tend to send a lot of things that require batteries (I'm not a terrible fan of needs-batteries toys) and, often as not, make lots of noise. We let the girls play with them, but generally unless a toy is quite beloved, it tends to not get its batteries replaced once they're run out, and sometimes gets culled when it's donation time. Every single noise-making toy that's come into our house has come from these three relatives (including all the noise-making books). We've mentioned before that we're not big fans of the super-noisy toys. That hasn't really changed anything.

Luckily, our relatives either don't keep strict track of what they've gifted our kids, or don't mind if we happen to donate them. I think it helps that regardless of what happens to the gift, we've taught our girls to receive them with gratitude and make sure to send thank-you cards.

BUT! He has given us permission to give away what we don't want. So, we're going to sort through the unwanted gifts carefully, keep some, and donate some.

That's great! Probably the perfect compromise, if you ask me.