My Messy Girlfriend

[Greenday]

We've been exclusive for nearly two years now. Facebook official April 18th. I love my girlfriend. Despite being from different countries and constantly moving around between the two of us, we're going to get engaged eventually. We've worked out some stuff. She was super clingy at first and she's gotten a lot better at that.

Only real problem right now (Besides distance)? My God is she messy. Her room at her parents house was always a huge wreck. I'm at her new place where she's at for school. She has a condo and she rents out the other room to another student. I walked in the front door and holy crap! The place was trashed. Crap tons of shoes, boots, random bags, trash, etc. etc. just laying around. Her room is filthy. Floor is covered in clothes and assorted junk. Bathroom is dirty. Sink is gross, shower badly needs to be cleaned. I'm embarrassed. This place is so dirty and disorganized.

I'm not the cleanest person in the world. You walk into my bedroom right now, there'll be some stacks of clothes to be put away. But for the most part, it's relatively in order. I NEVER leave stuff sitting around the living room, kitchen, or bathroom. I couldn't imagine living like this.

Not really sure how to bring this up with her. I'd be way too embarrassed to ever have anyone come over this place.

[Aethian]

You need to bring this up however. It can be a small problem now but the longer it goes the worse it's going to get. Maybe introduce her to fly lady? Help get everything cleaned up so she's at a clean slate and then let flyladies baby steps get her in a routine of keeping things nice.

[Gizmo]

I am not the neatest of people but I control it in a couple of ways. Firstly I have *one* dump area in each room that needs it (dining room, bedroom, lounge). That is for the "dammit... can't be bothered" stuff. When that gets full I *try* to clear it back and place everything where it should be. I can however usually put my hands on what I want very quickly. Depression doesn't help....

However how about a box where she puts that stuff and therefore she's more aware of it and has limited space and the rest of the place looks nice - It *can* make a difference and help someone who isn't tidy naturally tidy up more by putting a limit on it.

My second way it to try not to buy too much stuff. That would work if I would throw out the stuff that I no longer can use/want... yeah, not that good at that.

I am chuckling to myself minorly at the moment about the fact that the girl my "neat freak" husband is now dating (we are divorcing soon) is bad enough you can't walk around the place if she is left to herself and her parents had to intervene a few times due to health and safety reasons! (and she's not young enough for it to be 'teenager' issues!

EDIT: The "this space" or "box" option does allow you to bring it up but also allow her to be a bit messy so she doesn't feel like you are being nasty... and if its done right you can make it so its not obvious to guests.

[Gravekeeper]

Oh ho, lordie. I have lived with this before. For a good 4-5 years.

It will break you. My ex is exactly as you described. Just abject chaos. I tried to fight against it at first but eventually gave up. I could not win. Because her disorganized chaos was a reflection of her disorganized mental/emotional state. Not a simple matter of being a slob. I would periodically clean the whole thing up once every week or two and she would have it reverted to ground zero inside of 2 days. You could never see the floor in our bedroom and I lived in complete shame and fear of ever having ANYONE we knew over because of the state of the place.

It eventually degraded to the point where I just created my own little clean space around my computer desk and holed up there, trying to ignore the apocalypse around me. It was not healthy by any means and eventually began to affect my mental and emotional state. She dragged me down to her level and beat me with experience -.-

You HAVE to address this before you live together. Clutter in the house is clutter in the mind so to speak. If you re lucky its just that she's a total slob ( Not that thats a good thing either ). If you're unlucky her environment is disorganized because her state of being is disorganized. In my case it turned out my ex was a mildly manic depressive and it eventually ended our relationship. Because A) She would take out everything on me regardless of what it was and B) She refused to follow her doctor's advice or take any medication for it.

Either way it will erode your relationship pretty quick once you're living together. You need to get to the bottom of it now before you ever consider sharing the same living space.

[Pixilated]

*koff koff koff*
*ahem*
That level of filth doesn't apply to me (I do clean, although not nearly as often as I should), but the level of chaos does. I usually put things down, thinking I'll put them away later, and 'later' never comes. This is one of the so-called "benefits" of living alone ... except, as Gravekeeper points out, it can also mean that you never, ever invite anybody in because the place look like the Huns battled the Vandals and both sides lost.

And meaning no disrespect to people who are this way because of mental issues, but this can also just be a sign of laziness. I'd look at the piles of stuff and think "Meh ... I'll get to them some other time" and go off and do something I'd prefer to do.

It can also be a warning signal that the person has too much "stuff." You don't have to be a candidate for a reality hoarding show to have too much stuff (although I'm sure that's how it starts). I did a fair amount of culling before my move and am doing more now, and know that I will be doing more yet. It also means that if I bring a new piece of clothing or book into the house, at least one other piece of clothing or book has to leave the house.

Greenday, if this bothers you intensely now, you do have to deal with it, somehow, before you get engaged and/or move in together. Because if it bothers you intensely now, it will drive you mad afterwards. Is she open to a discussion on the matter? Is it possible that at some level she's not happy with it either, but just doesn't know where to start?

[Seshat]

I'm like that because of my physical incapacity. Sometimes it is literally too painful to walk the extra few steps to put things down. What is working for me is a combination of culling, and providing specific spaces NEAR ME for me to put things.

I have my own laundry basket in my room; I don't have to go to the family laundry basket to put dirty clothes away. I have another laundry basket for clean laundry; to be put away either when I have the energy to do it, or when a family member helps me.

I have removed most of the things that I used to keep at/near my computer desk: we put everything in a box, and the things that I'm keeping on/near my desk are the things that I found it worth digging through the box for. The rest, my family will help me find new homes for, or we'll toss out.

I have my own bins both in my room and beside my computer desk; and I have a 'put away later' basket at my computer desk.

No less than once a week, I am choosing one or more things to put in the 'get rid of' basket. (It's a basket for the whole family, lives near the front door, and the contents find their way to either the rubbish bin or the charity shop.) If it's too physically difficult for me to move it (either it's big, or I'm sick) someone else moves it for me.


We focus on hygeine. Clutter is a problem, but it's a problem we're tackling. Hygeine is critical, especially since I'm immune-response-low. If the place is hygeinic but cluttered, we choose to live with it, but work on it.


I don't know if any of this will help, but some of the techniques might be worth a try.

[blas]

My last big *mistake* was a slob. He thought his children and his 35 year old manchild brother could work as excuses, but he only had his children every 2 weeks and his brother never left his room unless it was to use the bathroom or go in the fridge.

And I mean down to the dirty boxers on the bathroom floor and wadded towels on top of them and bits of shaved beard all over the inside and side of the sink and the rust and whatnot rings in the tub and the crust around the window inside the shower...then there was the fact that no one would do the dishes until either their Ma came over or they ran out of dishes and pots and pans.

There were toys all over the house even the kids were gone, kids' shoes all over the place, candy wrappers and whatnot everywhere.....dog slobber all over everything.....toys all over the stairs.....the damn guy wouldn't even make his damn bed, not even putting the SHEET on his bed!

I mean, you'll hear me bitch day in and day out about my slob parents. But I take the time to clean up because I cannot tolerate a messy bathroom or living space. Even if it means taking time out of my day, I will not let my parents' house become a biohazard so long as I'm living here with them.

I'm so glad I stuck with my guns and refused to live with that waste of male, and I'm also glad that it's not going to work with a guy I recently went on a couple of dates with. I don't care if you just moved in and haven't put everything away yet, there's NO REASON to have plates with pizza crusts on your damn BED and paper plates and socks all over the floor!

[telecom_goddess]

I could not live with a total slob like that. Whatever the reason is it needs to be addressed and fixed somehow. I can't live in chaos.

[iradney]

Look, I'm not the tidiest person in the world. I regularly leave clothes on top of the bookcase. But my house doesn't smell, even with TTO and I's gym clothes in the laundry hamper and a farty dog.

There is a difference between messy and disgusting. And no offense, but having trash lying around and a filthy bathroom is disgusting. It takes maybe 4 - 6 minutes to give your shower a spray and wipe after showering, and if I can take the trash out, anyone can.

You can try and talk to her. I hope you'll get through to her, but if you don't, this kind of thing can completely wreck a relationship.

[Greenday]

Last night, I asked her "How much of the stuff laying around is your roommate's?" She admitted that most of it is really hers and she knows something needs to be done about it. I just don't believe she'll actually do it. Her roommate doesn't sweep the floors or wipe counters down. But I'm in the living room right now and I'd say less than 50% of the floor is available to walk on.

[mathnerd]

These are the kinds of things that can break up a relationship. One of the (many) issues I had in my last relationship was the difference in tidiness habits. I'm not a slob, but things can get cluttered. He, on the other hand, folds his dirty laundry before he puts it into a hamper. This caused fights. Seriously.

That said, I used to be a lot worse than I am. Keeping a tidy home is a skill that must be learned. Habits must be broken and new ones formed. The recovering slob looks around and gets overwhelmed and says "fuck it", and gives up. If she wants to change her ways, she'll need support and encouragement, not judgement and insults (not saying you're doing that, but she might be defensive and see it that way).

[Pixilated]

If she knows something needs to be done, don't give up just yet. At least she's admitting there's a problem. Maybe you could offer some of the suggestions given here and see if her acknowledgement turns into action. One can hope ...

[auntiem]

This is going to be a deal breaker - sorry. In my experience, everyone has their own comfort level with clutter and grime and it won't change - no matter how much you "nag". You are always going to be the one to break and clean / pick up because it will bother you and it clearly doesn't bother her (at least not enough to do anything about it). Any chance that she was just never taught how to do these things (not every parent actually shows their children how to clean a whole bathroom - just ask half my old boyfriends).
Personally, I can't stand a dirty kitchen - but could give a rat's on how clean the bathroom is, unless company is coming over (and the shower only gets cleaned if they are staying over night). Lucky for me my SO likes a clean bathroom and could give a rat's about the kitchen so it works out in the long run. Unluckily for us both neither gives a rat's about paper clutter so there are piles of it on nearly every flat surface in the house and we are apparently fine with it.
I always loved it when my student roommates had finals because the house was spotless - maybe this will happen if so, she might have a chance because that would mean that she knows how to clean so just doesn't find it to be a priority.

[MoonCat]

Keeping a tidy home is a skill that must be learned. Habits must be broken and new ones formed. The recovering slob looks around and gets overwhelmed and says "fuck it", and gives up. If she wants to change her ways, she'll need support and encouragement, not judgement and insults (not saying you're doing that, but she might be defensive and see it that way).

This is important. If I lived alone my house would be neater. Not perfect, eat-off-the-floors clean, but definitely neater. I've often said I'm domestically handicapped - housework is not a big priority - but I also like to have space around me, which means de-cluttering from time to time. The thing is, people form emotional attachments to a lot of things, and it can cause stress if stuff gets tossed that they are attached to (not saying the attachment is always healthy in the first place...).

If it were up to me I'd toss a lot of things that we've accumulated over the years. Washing floors, vacuuming, dusting, etc., is a lot easier when you don't have to keep moving "stuff" around. But not all of the stuff belongs to me, and so I tend to let a lot of this slide rather than deal with the drama.

Also, some people don't have a problem with empty wrappers, bottle caps, etc., lying around. You end up either tossing the trash yourself and resenting it, or having arguments about why they haven't thrown things like that out. Then it becomes a tug of war - they leave stuff lying because they don't want to be told what to do, and you end up in the cycle of ignore/throw out/fight about it all over again.

Bottom line: You need to set limits on how much mess you can live with and communicate this to her. If she's willing to work on changing, she needs encouragement, not criticism, but she also needs to commit to changing her habits, and trust me, this is a habit that's as hard to change as smoking.

[ArcticChicken]

In my experience, everyone has their own comfort level with clutter and grime and it won't change - no matter how much you "nag".

Comfort levels CAN be changed, just not with nagging. Take me for example - I used to be a total slob. Can't-see-the-floor messy. Then I started dating my BF, who is a very neat person. I started cleaning up my space because I wanted him to feel comfortable there. Now, while I am by no means a particularly tidy person, I would NEVER let my space get to that level of messy again. Permanent change in my comfort level.