Two pieces of advice requested -- anniversary coming up

[mjr]

I have a couple of things I need some advice on. One is a little more, "intimate", shall we say, than the other, but here we go. I'll try to be detailed without being detailed...I also don't want to run into fratching territory...

1. The Mrs. and I are basically done having children. We have one adorable eight year old son whom we love dearly, and barring an accidental pregnancy, we have decided not to have any more children. She also had a "high risk" pregnancy, and we decided against another for that reason, as well.

That said, I don't like certain types of protection and birth control. Mainly the type I wear. And pills don't work well with her. She tried them years ago (before she met me), and she had weird side effects from them.

So recently I've been considering getting "the snip". I just turned 37, and I really don't see a circumstance where I would need to have something like that reversed.

The advice I'm asking for here is the following:

* How do I approach her about this? I don't know if she would be receptive to it, at all. I tangentially mentioned it one time, and she didn't seem to like it. But from what I understand, the procedure is very low pain, and there's no hospital stay at all (outpatient). I also think she might want me to get my back looked at first. Not only that, but "the snip" is permanent -- unless you pay the $5,000 or so to have it reversed, and that doesn't always work, either. But since we aren't having any more children, I don't necessarily see where I would need to get something like that reversed.

2. Our 10th year wedding anniversary is coming up in May of next year (part of the reason I was considering the #1 advice piece). Anyway, I'm trying to come up with some good ideas as to what we can do. To avoid fratching (and to protect his/our privacy somewhat), let's just say a babysitter wouldn't be suitable for our son, and leave it at that. So we're trying to figure out where we could go/what we could do. We can't really go that far (though we live about a half-hour outside of a major metro in the U.S.), and I don't know how viable an overnight hotel stay would be.

So, any thoughts on either of these??

[Ophbalance]

As to the "snip"... be open and honest. If you feel that you're done with having children, at least your own children, tell her as much. I've gotten this done and it's pretty straight forward in terms of procedures. It's not something I'd EVER want to go through again just to attempt a reversal. What finally swung my wife over was the fact that we have always been high risk for every pregnancy, and the fact that as she gets older her chance of having twin births is higher. We have one set of twins and that's enough for one lifetime .

[mjr]

I've gotten this done and it's pretty straight forward in terms of procedures. It's not something I'd EVER want to go through again just to attempt a reversal.

What's the procedure for that actually like? How long does it take, what's the recovery time, and how long do you have to use protection afterward before you're "clean"? I've heard the procedure is simple, and low-pain, and it's one of those where you can resume "normal activity" in a couple of days (though I understand frozen peas may be involved). I've also heard that protection must be used for up to 3 months (I guess this depends on intimate activity), or until 2 clean samples are returned. Does that sound about right? And if you don't mind me asking, what was the cost of it?

What finally swung my wife over was the fact that we have always been high risk for every pregnancy, and the fact that as she gets older her chance of having twin births is higher. We have one set of twins and that's enough for one lifetime .

I'm hoping that I can maybe take a similar tack. My wife is older than I am, and now she's in that category of "We strongly advise you to not have any more children". I don't know how far she is away from the "big M". Could be 3, 5, or 10 years. I don't know.

All I know is that we used protection before we got married, didn't until our son was born (because we were trying, and once she got pregnant it didn't matter), and now we do again. I don't want to go that route any more.

[AccountingDrone]

How feasable is a sperm collection and freezing? Is there someplace local that will stockpile your little swimmers and not sell it off to some random couple looking to have a kid?

Frankly getting snipped really is your choice and not hers since you have said that you are both finished having kids for her health.

[mathnerd]

One way to approach it is to talk about the freedom of not having to worry about birth control once the procedure and recovery is over with. I also had very high risk pregnancies (my babies were born at 36, 32 and 24 weeks respectively). I had my tubes tied after the third one was born. It simply wasn't worth the risk to my life. The children I already had needed a mother.

Now that it's all over and done with, there's a certain freedom not having to worry about such things. Now, I'm not married or in a committed relationship at the moment, so I do generally insist on condoms, but that's for STD risk, which is something you wouldn't need to worry about. I still don't have to worry about pregnancy, which would be a really huge deal for me right now. I find that sex is much more enjoyable now that I'm not freaking out every time my period is an hour late.

[mjr]

How feasable is a sperm collection and freezing? Is there someplace local that will stockpile your little swimmers and not sell it off to some random couple looking to have a kid?

I haven't really checked into that. I live in a smaller town, and I don't know how much that costs. I've heard it can be fairly expensive.

Frankly getting snipped really is your choice and not hers since you have said that you are both finished having kids for her health.

That's true, but it's something I feel like I need to discuss with her. It's not like I can just come home on a Friday afternoon and say, "Hi, Honey! You'll never guess what I did today!"

[auntiem]

You could be pleasantly surprised that she would love the idea. I agree that you should discuss it with her, but ultimately it is your body your choice. If you are waiting for the "big M" to solve the issue you could be waiting a long time and still end up with an "oops" baby.
One of my boyfriends got "snipped" during our relationship (we were both CFBC so it didn't really need to be discussed). There was a program at the time that was doing the procedure nearly free if you qualified - check around your area/family planning clinics if they have programs. He was sore for a few days (frozen peas were involved), but he said "it wasn't that bad".

As for the anniversary: My SO recreated our first vacation one night in our living room - that was super fun. Or maybe you could recreate your first date.
What kind of romance does she like? Flowers and fuss / something to show you listen even when she thinks you aren't / super sentimental with something homemade?

[Pixilated]

*snip*
It's not like I can just come home on a Friday afternoon and say, "Hi, Honey! You'll never guess what I did today!"

Well, you could, but ... the fireworks might well be visible from where I live.

I'm wondering if she's just a little antsy about the finality of it. With birth control, you can always change your mind, even if you're really, really, really sure you're not going to. With "the snip," the door is pretty much closed, locked and bricked up, unless, as you say, you have $5,000 lying around that you had no other plans for.

As for the anniversary, is there anyplace in your town that could bring the celebration to you? I'm thinking a nice dinner at home, maybe flowers, the good dishes, etc., if a babysitter isn't a viable option. Do you have friends and/or family that could help set it up?

[Seshat]

If she really doesn't want you doing the snip, there are other options that are reversable and straightforward. Most, admittedly, are placed in the woman.

There's a variation on the vasectomy which is more reversable: instead of a cut-and-tie, there's little silicon beads which are inserted. Because the tubes are so fine, they're so small they're actually injected.

Reversal is cutting a tiny slice into the tube, pulling the bead out, and closing the cut.

[mjr]

There's a variation on the vasectomy which is more reversable: instead of a cut-and-tie, there's little silicon beads which are inserted. Because the tubes are so fine, they're so small they're actually injected.

I'm intrigued by this...what's it called and how effective is it??

[MaggieTheCat]

I just wanted to chime in with a word of warning. There is a chance -- albeit a very, very small chance, but it's still there -- of pregnancy, even with a vasectomy. I have seen it first-hand. One of my good friend's father got snipped. Ten years later, his wife got pregnant -- and yes, the baby was most definitely his. I don't know what the odds are, but they do exist, however slim.

[mjr]

I just wanted to chime in with a word of warning. There is a chance -- albeit a very, very small chance, but it's still there -- of pregnancy, even with a vasectomy. I have seen it first-hand. One of my good friend's father got snipped. Ten years later, his wife got pregnant -- and yes, the baby was most definitely his. I don't know what the odds are, but they do exist, however slim.

I have heard of this. But I've read that vasectomy is 99.99% effective, or something like that. And I also read that the only reason that they don't say 100% is for the very reason you bring up, and that they don't get sued.

[crazylegs]

With regards to your son.

Not knowing why a babysitter isn't suitable makes it a little difficult to suggest alternatives - the only one I can think of is family looking after him, would that be acceptable?

[mjr]

I'm wondering if she's just a little antsy about the finality of it.

This could be what it is. Or she just doesn't feel comfortable with what goes on during that procedure (even though it would be me that would be having it). She may think it's a lot worse than what it appears to be.

There's going to be an eventual "finality" to it, anyway. With our 10th anniversary coming up in a few months, this might be something I want to get taken care of quickly, so that I'm "ready" when the time comes.

As for the anniversary, is there anyplace in your town that could bring the celebration to you?

Not really. We live in a town of about 20,000. It's a lot of "mom and pop" and "industrial" type things. There are a couple of "chain" restaurants, but I'm certain she won't want to go to those. She's really not into flowers, either. She's very atypical as far as what it seems most women might want for an anniversary.

We live about a half an hour from a major metro area. I considered seeing if a hotel had some kind of "anniversary package", but since a babysitter isn't viable, that won't happen, either.

[AnaKhouri]

When does the kid go to bed? Could you find a movie that is special to you both, or make a fancy late-night, child-free dinner? Depending on the weather and where you live, you could stargaze, or have a picnic on the porch (with the door open so you could hear the kid if he woke up). Or board games/video games, maybe just something you wouldn't do usually?

I also am not a flowers & candy person, so for our anniversary the man and I find the goriest/stupidest/weirdest movie we can find on Netflix, and I make a fancy, decadent dessert, which we eat while watching said movie after the kid goes to sleep. This also works for Valentine's Day. Past titles have included Zombie Strippers and Hobo with a Shotgun. Sometimes we also play Tatsunoko vs. Capcom.