Have a boyfriend/developing feelings for coworker

[malmalthekiller]

Hey guys,

I need some advice from people outside of the situation. I feel like I'm in over my head. Sorry for the long explanation.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. Generally we're good together - we're friends and have a lot of common interests. We try to make time for each other - as we work opposite shifts. We're even planning on moving in together within the next year. I do love him, but I'm beginning to think it isn't as much as he loves me. We both don't want to get married - but his anti-romantic nature is beginning to bother me.

I had started having some small doubts - but I pushed them into the back of my mind. He drinks a lot - he does it on his days off, which is whenever I see him. He says he doesn't have a problem, and that he used to drink much more.

We just went on vacation together and it went really well. I think I see us as friends that are really attracted to each other. I just don't know where it's going.


Other problem:

I started a new job back in August - it has it's good and bad parts (that is for another board). I did notice there was a cute guy that worked in a different section of my team. On Halloween, we dressed in a group costume. The cute guy took some pictures, edited them to make them spooky, and e-mailed them to the team. I replied and said that I liked what he did with the pictures - and this began a discussion that hasn't stopped yet.

We evolved from e-mailing, to iming and taking walks during our lunch breaks. WE have a lot in common as well. Similar movies, music, etc. He has called me "cute" - but he isn't overly going after me. He knows that I have a boyfriend. We chat every day, and just before he left today, he gave me his number. I'm pretty sure he's in to me, but being cautious because of my situation.

He is divorced, and has a 6-year-old son on the weekends. I'll admit, I have never wanted children - but this guy seems like an amazing father.

The difference: My boyfriend is almost 30, I'm 27, and the new guy is 35 with a 6-year-old.

I don't know what my next step should be.

[crazylegs]

Your next step should be a decision - do I want to continue with my current relationship. To consider starting another relationship while already in one isn't fair to your current boyf.

Only you know, deep down, if you want to carry on with the boyf and only you can make that decision.

[saint]

I'd suggest a couple things, but take them only as that, as I have less luck in the romance department than you.

First I'd talk to your boyfriend. If these issues with him are really bothering you, than perhaps try and find a compromise or middle ground. If it's not something he's willing to at least consider meeting you part way on, then decide if the behavior, long-term, would be something you were okay with dealing with, or is a "deal-breaker".

Second, while the guy you like at work sounds great, realize that as great as he may seem from your current perspective, he probably has his own set of issues. And regardless of how great a father he is, you said you don't want children yourself. Are you willing to take him and his son as a package deal? And bear in mind, he will ALWAYS choose his child's happiness and well-being over you.

Try and fix what is broken, before moving on to something that, while lovely at a distance, probably has its own cracks and flaws.

[Gravekeeper]

Kind of a no win scenario.

Obviously you don't do anything with the second guy while in a relationship with your boyfriend. So you either need to address the issues with your boyfriend and work on your relationship. Or make a decision and end that relationship.

That said, jumping from the end of one relationship into the start of another without any emotional downtime to process and re-evaluate is a terrible idea. You're also in a "Grass Always Greener" situation. Guy #2 looks good right now because you can directly compare him to Guy #1. Hence the need for that me time in between relationships to reevaluate your self and your emotions. Guy #2 needs to be evaluated on his own merits. Not as a benchmark against Guy #1.

[malmalthekiller]

Thank you for the rationale advice. I'm going to talk to guy #1 and ask for some space to think about things. It's hard to think clearly when you're s close to the situation.

[mathnerd]

Thank you for the rationale advice. I'm going to talk to guy #1 and ask for some space to think about things. It's hard to think clearly when you're s close to the situation.

That sounds like an excellent idea. I agree completely with Gravekeeper and Saint. It's easy to romanticize "the other" based on casual or semi-casual interaction. He'll have his own set off problems that will become apparent if you ever did start to see him seriously. We all have our issues. As for him being a parent, if he's any sort of good father, his child will always come first. I've lost more than one romantic interest because they couldn't deal with the fact that in a choice between them and my kids, my kids win every time. That's something serious to consider. I think you're doing the right thing by giving yourself some space to think about everything before you make any life changing decisions.

[blas]

Most certainly "Grass is greener" situation.

Though a much different and more sloppy situation, my exhole and I were trying to repair our relationship, and he must have thought I wasn't worth it, because he went behind my back and got himself a new girlfriend in one date......and then over the course of a couple of weeks even, he realized that this girl was all fun and perfect just when they first got to know each other.

But by that point, I was over his bullshit and moving along.

It almost helps to kind of make a list of pros and cons. Maybe even in the end, you'd be better alone? That's how I've become. I and my small group of friends and my wacky family make my life so much better than any guy ever could.

[malmalthekiller]

Well, I decided to end it with my boyfriend. It ended up being mutual. One of those things where we were growing apart.

I'm going to remain friendly with second guy - I'm ok with being alone. I am always happiest that way, personally. I'm pretty relieved.