What would you do/think

[mathnerd]

Hypothetically speaking....

Let's pretend that you're a woman and that several months ago you briefly dated a man who you really got along with, but after some time you decided that you were better friends than lovers. Not that there was anything wrong with that part of things either, but life just took you in a different direction. You remained friends with this man, and do enjoy his company.

Out of the blue, this man calls you and you think it's going to be a normal conversation. The conversation becomes anything but normal. He asks you if you'd like to spend a month with him in his home country. He's paying not just for you, but your kids as well.

You have no job at the moment. Well, nothing full time. You work for yourself and could drop your clients fairly easily, or work with them over the internet. You do have the potential of a full time position, but you're ambivalent about it for a variety of reasons.

If you go, you'd be living at his family home while you were there. Your kids would be supplied a nanny/tutor at his expense. There would be no monetary cost to you for the entire trip.

There is no reason to fear for your safety. The country in question is not one in turmoil.


So, what do you do? Actually, before that, what on earth do you even think about the invitation itself? I have my own thoughts, but I'm curious what others would think.

[MoonCat]

OK, nothing like this has ever happened to me so I think I'm pretty neutral. So, hypothetically...my first question is: What's in it for him? Surely he's got to expect something from you in return for all this generosity. And of course you know where my mind goes on that "something."

Whether that's okay with you is entirely up to you.

A whole month in another country, expenses paid, even tutors for the kids? Gotta be some kind of trade-off involved. Maybe he's trying to convince someone (Family? Or maybe an ex?) that he's married or has a live-in, serious girlfriend. Maybe he's hoping to kindle a romance with you. I would definitely ask a few questions about what brought this on. Is he clear on the "we're just friends" thing?

If you do decide to go, I'd suggest you research the area where you'd be living. Is it isolated? Is there access to transportation for you and the kids? Do you speak the language (assuming it's not English)? I would also suggest changing some money into the local currency and keeping it tucked away, along with your passport and credit card if you have one, just in case.

[mathnerd]

Mooncat, you're thinking exactly along the lines I am. Am I willing to pay that "cost"? I'm not sure. I think that's the crux of the internal debate I have going on. It's out of the blue, but not totally unreasonable. We are friends, and he does know the kids, and they get along. There could be an amount of "See mom, I'm not the confirmed bachelor you think I am" going on. Most of the reason we broke up was that he wanted something more serious and I wasn't too long out of a serious relationship, and wasn't particularly interested in much more than casual dating. If we were dating now, it might be different. Who knows.

On the other hand, I homeschool my kids, and the country in question would be an incredible experience for them! Gaaaaa! Why does my life have to be this complicated?

And, I realized I didn't address all the points.

-I do not speak the language. That is an issue.

-This is not a misogynistic country. I do not fear being prevented from leaving.

-Even if I'm not working, I still have an income of about $1000/mo from other sources. That's direct deposited into my checking account, which is accessible from a Visa check card.

-The area isn't a major city, but it's not isolated either. The family is well off and the family home is more of an estate outside a larger city.

[sms001]

I'd formed this opinion before seeing your response to Mooncat.

My first thought was that he was stepping it up a notch to demonstrate that you were more compatible than you seemed to think; kind of an "immersion" thing. You don't speak to the amount of time since you stepped back, but I suspect he's been dwelling on it and is going for broke. Unless you are the only "prospect" he's likely to find, I'd have to say this is pretty over the top for just sex.

As for should you or shouldn't you? I honestly can't answer that as a male. I think I'd be so uncomfortable accepting such largesse knowing that the feelings were probably too disparate that
it would outweigh any benefits.

[mathnerd]

Thanks for your input, sms. I was definitely hoping for a guy's opinion. He could be doing exactly what you say; trying to woo me, so to speak. Knowing his personality, that wouldn't be too out of line for him. He does tend to go all out when he really wants something. It's been about three months since I put an end to the romantic part of things. That part only lasted about a month. It was very brief, but like I said, I'm the one that got scared when he wanted to step things up a notch. Honestly, I really do like him, but the timing was just bad before.

[houdini]

Can you flat-out ask him why he's offering this? That might either resolve some of the queries, or present a few more!

I'd also consider that after the month, you might be invited to stay on - would you accept a longer stay? And would you also be prepared to leave earlier if things got difficult?

[mathnerd]

Can you flat-out ask him why he's offering this? That might either resolve some of the queries, or present a few more!

I'd also consider that after the month, you might be invited to stay on - would you accept a longer stay? And would you also be prepared to leave earlier if things got difficult?

I do plan on talking to him again. Due to the nature of his job, that won't be until Friday (I know that might sound weird, but if you knew the job it would make perfect sense). I have lots and lots of questions for him.

As or staying on, I don't think he'd want to stay in his home country. He likes his life here. My kids have medical issues and he's already mentioned open ended tickets should they need to come back early on account of medical needs, so the idea of leaving early is out there already.

I'm really torn here. If I was seriously dating this guy I'd say yes in a heartbeat. If he'd been only a friend, ever, I'd also say yes. He's in this grey area and I'm just not sure what to think!

[csquared]

This whole things screams of "isolate and control", and that falls into abuser territory.

If the guy is on the up & up, I would say it is a great opportunity. Look into it very carefully.

[mathnerd]

This whole things screams of "isolate and control", and that falls into abuser territory.

If the guy is on the up & up, I would say it is a great opportunity. Look into it very carefully.

He has never once, in the entire time I've known him, ever given me any indication that there might be a reason to fear him. But yeah, that was something I gave some thought to. In the end, I have to fall back to the fact that he's always been respectful of me and my needs, even when I told him that I wasn't ready for a real relationship again. He quite respectfully backed off and rebuilt the friendship we had before.

I do think he's on the up and up. This level of generosity isn't particularly out of character for him, even though it might seem excessive. Honestly, based on the few text messages sine I've posted this, I'm starting to think that sms is on the right track, and he's going for broke. He was born in, and his family still lives in a country I've always wanted to visit. He knows this. He knows I have the ability to just up and leave with the kids for however long.

I will definitely update you after I talk to him in person!

[MoonCat]

One thing I always advise is trust gut reactions. If you were starting to have romantic feelings for him again, your reaction would probably have been "Hell, yes!" and you'd be packing right now.

You could, I suppose, just go, with the understanding up front that you still think of him as a friend. See how it goes. Remember that life in his home country, on his family estate, is not what it would be if you were both living here. If you and the kids have a great time, and this guy continues to be respectful and kind (even if hinting that he wants to take things further), well and good.

If you start to feel pressured, uncomfortable, or start picking up hints that he feels you owe him another chance because he's being so generous, you may want to cut the visit short. As well as you know him, he still could surprise you if he feels hurt or "taken advantage of" (even though he was the one who offered). Just throwing out possibilities here. Trust your instincts as well as your knowledge of the man.

One more thing, just my own personal thing--I wouldn't say yes JUST because it would be a great experience for the kids. If you don't want to go, you don't owe it to the kids to take advantage of this opportunity. There will be other chances in their lives for experiences abroad.

[Greenday]

Sounds kinda suspicious to me. Far from any normal situation I've ever heard of.

[mathnerd]

Sounds kinda suspicious to me. Far from any normal situation I've ever heard of.

There are obviously details I've omitted. I can see where you'd think that though.

[It's me]

Useful question to ask youself:

Would it better to go and regret you had done so, or to stay here and regret it?

[Greenday]

There are obviously details I've omitted. I can see where you'd think that though.

Just sounds like the opening to a story where someone moves to another country with another person then gets stuck there because they don't have the means to get out.

[mathnerd]

Just sounds like the opening to a story where someone moves to another country with another person then gets stuck there because they don't have the means to get out.

That's not a fear I have. Like I said before, I do have a steady, even if small, income. The relevant country is not one in political turmoil or on bad terms with the US. This is not somebody I've just met and have no history with. I would not allow myself to be put in a position where I could not get out. If I do say yes, I keep the return tickets and passports. That's non-negotiable.