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  • #1

    What does the Seshat say?

    ... to her nephew.

    My nephew is sixteen, he's being diagnosed with something - most likely Asperger's. He's depressed, to the extent that he's made a suicide attempt.

    I've not been close to him, mostly because for my own safety (emotional) and sanity, I've had to avoid his parents and grandparents (ie, my brother, sister-in-law, and parents). J - my nephew - is, I am told, very like me. Which means that since I fear for my sanity around them ... I'm worried about J's.

    I have an unexpected ally: a friend of the family, who is very close to my parents. She treats J as an extra grandchild of hers; and when she spoke to me recently face-to-face, noticed that I have many mannerisms in common with J. Since I've not been around J for him to copy my mannerisms, and they're all listed as symptoms of Asperger's; P (the ally) has decided that J would benefit a great deal from contact with me.

    I'm inclined to agree. Even simply knowing that there's HOPE for a better life than he currently has might lead J to give living a try!

    Step 1, after all, is bringing him back from 'suicidal' and to 'giving life a try'.

    I'm planning to send him a letter, as a re-introduction.

    .... what do I say?
    Seshat's self-help guide:
    1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
    2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
    3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
    4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

    "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.
    Tags: None
  • #2
    Addendum:

    P is willing to let J live with her, instead of his parents, for the rest of his childhood and such part of his young adulthood as he needs to.

    Toth and Bast and I are also willing for J to live with us, for that same duration.

    The stumbling point on all this is most likely to be J's parents: they want the best for him, but they may well define 'the best' as being something that .. well .. all the rest of us, J included, disagree with.
    Seshat's self-help guide:
    1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
    2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
    3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
    4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

    "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

    Comment

    • #3
      I would tell J that you are sorry you were not able to form a relationship with him sooner, but you would like the chance to remedy that and get to know him better. Perhaps you could arrange to meet him and P for lunch somewhere and then go from there. I would not even bring up the Aspergers in the letter. Let him make the connection himself once he meets you.

      As for his parents, maybe P could approach them from the standpoint that she knows they love their son but maybe a change of scenery would help J. What might work is letting J stay with her for the rest of the summer with the choice to either go back to his parents or stay for the school year.

      If the parents are dead set against him moving out, may I suggest seeing if getting him a pet would be feasible. I know having a dog has done wonders for my husband's bipolar disorder especially when he's in a depressive state. Just knowing that another life depends on him has helped him make that extra effort when he would rather not. Maybe it would help your nephew too.

      In any case, J is very lucky to have you as an Aunt. I hope everything works out and the two of you develop a strong relationship.
      Question authority, but raise your hand first. -Alan M. Bershowitz

      Comment

      • #4
        Arranging to meet him might be a problem: he's half a continent away from me. Imagine that he's in Florida and I'm in .. oh .. DC, or Boston, or something.

        If you want to check a map, I'm in Melbourne and he's in Brisbane (Australia, in both cases). I'm on the southern coast, eastern corner. He's halfway up the east coast, near the easternmost part of that curve, just north of the Queensland/New South Wales border.


        Other than that one glitch, it sounds like good advice, Teysa.

        He already has a dog, but he shares it with the family. He might like a lizard or something; he used to be hugely into dinosaurs.
        Seshat's self-help guide:
        1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
        2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
        3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
        4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

        "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

        Comment

        • #5
          I can see where distance might be an issue then. Of course there's no reason why the two of you can't communicate via emails or Facebook or even snail mail. He might even enjoy getting cards from you. Even if he doesn't respond right away, the important thing is to leave that avenue of communication open.
          Question authority, but raise your hand first. -Alan M. Bershowitz

          Comment

          • #6
            Email or Facebook would be a good start if he has Asperger's, but you may have to do the heavy lifting at first to keep it going.

            I don't know about you, but out of sight out of mind is how I roll with my Asperger's. I'm not good at Facebook, but I answer emails regularly, initiating them not so much.

            I hate phone calls; don't know how you and your nephew feel about that so that may or may not be an avenue.

            But he is your nephew so I think you would find the effort well worth while if you can get him to respond to it. You may find you have more in common than you think.
            They say that God only gives us what we can handle. Apparently, God thinks I'm a bad ass.

            Comment

            • #7
              I've made some attempts to get in touch with my nephew. Small talk isn't going down well; and in retrospect, well - this is an Aspie-to-aspie social contact. I should have figured that would be the case!

              I'll try some other angles, ones more Aspie-ish. And I'll poke Phyllis and get her to be more in touch with me; I need local help.
              Seshat's self-help guide:
              1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
              2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
              3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
              4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

              "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

              Comment

              • #8
                The important thing is you're making the attempt. Even if your nephew doesn't respond much now, at least he'll know in the back of his mind that his Aunt Seshat cares about him. Just keep that avenue of communication open. When he's ready to talk, he will.
                Question authority, but raise your hand first. -Alan M. Bershowitz

                Comment

                • #9
                  Thank you. You're absolutely right.
                  Seshat's self-help guide:
                  1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
                  2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
                  3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
                  4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

                  "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    You might do better to appeal to one of his interests to make a connection. Just don't the one that bores you to tears
                    They say that God only gives us what we can handle. Apparently, God thinks I'm a bad ass.

                    Comment

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