parent-related question....need suggestions

[KellyHabersham]

*non-parents are definitely welcome to respond......I always do appreciate any suggestions or advice! *

Basically, my question is this - what might be some guidelines for interecting with your child's friends or significant other, when you don't want to come off as aloof/unwelcoming, but don't want to get to know them either?

I apologize if that doesn't make sense, but it's something which has kind of come up with a recent ex-boyfriend and mutual friend of my daughter's, and unfortunately it's not really something she and I can sit down and talk about. (thus, I'm in need of suggestions)

[Kittish]

Go with old fashioned formal politeness? Keep any conversation general and deflect any attempts to share personal information. Have a handful of excuses ready so you can gracefully escape once you've met the requirements of being polite.

"Oh, hello <name>, it's so good to see you again. Won't you come in? <Daughter> will be out in a moment, would you care for a beverage while you wait? (if he accepts, take your time preparing it) The weather is lovely, you should make plans to get out an enjoy it. Oh, look, here's <daughter>. Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I have to <insert random excuse, such as vacuum the cat>. You two have fun and stay out of trouble!"

[AnaKhouri]

Is this your daughter's ex-boyfriend, now her friend? I was a little confused.

Kittish's suggestion sounds perfect. Be polite, but there's no need for you to be BFFs with this person. If he's your daughter's age, he probably doesn't want to hang out with you much either. Most kids don't want to get to know their friends' parents. It's weird.

Good luck!

[mathnerd]

I totally agree with kittish. Stay formally, though pleasantly, polite.

[KellyHabersham]

Is this your daughter's ex-boyfriend, now her friend? I was a little confused.

Sorry about that....I was at work when I wrote my initial post, so I was kind of multi-tasking. I was referring to two different boys with that - one was her boyfriend, the other was a mutual friend of theirs. My mom and I got to know both of them because they were over at our house quite a bit last summer, and they kind of became adopted sons/annoying little brothers.

[NecessaryCatharsis]

Treat your daughters friends at least as well as you'd hope she would treat yours. You are not required to get to know or even interact much, but you have to at least put the effort into polite chit chat, you would be expected to invite them to stay for dinner if it was being made while they were in the house, you should issue an invitation to upcoming open invite events you want to discuss in front of them etc. all the regular rules of any houseguest would apply.

Your daughters significant other is different. He should be specifically included in any invitation to your daughter (family dinner, going shopping, gardening, anything), should be treated the same as your daughter as far as Christmas presents, birthday cards etc. If you call the house they live in and the other answers you should be willing to talk to him for a while before asking for daughter. Again treat them the way you would want your daughter or parents to treat your husband.

The only exception is if the person represents a danger to you or others in your family, politeness always comes after safety.

[Kheldarson]

Your daughters significant other is different. He should be specifically included in any invitation to your daughter (family dinner, going shopping, gardening, anything), should be treated the same as your daughter as far as Christmas presents, birthday cards etc. If you call the house they live in and the other answers you should be willing to talk to him for a while before asking for daughter. Again treat them the way you would want your daughter or parents to treat your husband.

I'd give this a caveat to be dependent on length of the relationship. Yes, make a greater effort to know any boyfriends, but including them in family activities as a rule is something to be built up to. I think Kelly's daughter is still school age, so I wouldn't be issuing invitations to family dinner for a boyfriend of a couple weeks, unless you, the parent, wish to. Same for any family activities. The longer they're together, the more involved the bf can be.

Yes, the situation changes when daughter is on her own, but mainly if she's already living with said bf.

[NecessaryCatharsis]

My apologies, I have no idea why but I assumed the daughter was grown, on her own, and this would apply to a significant other, one that was living together, planning the wedding or raising the baby together. If the daughter is still a child, living at home, you absolutely are not expected to go overboard with having the boyfriend at family events.

[KellyHabersham]

This

I guess I'm a little puzzled about why you wouldn't want to get to know anybody your daughter is friends with or dates, especially when your daughter still lives with you. I left it up to my own child whether or not he wanted to bring his friends/significant other home to meet me, and I treated them like I would anybody else, regardless of age. Hell, one of my son's ex-girlfriends is now both his friend and mine as we have similar interests and I'm somebody that can teach her crafty stuff. Actually, my son and I have several mutual friends which works quite well for us.

Well, I probably shouldn't have worded it like that, but part of it is that Heather gives mixed signals on how much she wants my mom or I to interact with her friends or boyfriend. (sometimes she's okay with it, other times she's not)