Anxiety advice required

[crazylegs]

So, a friend of mine Y has a history of depression, anxiety and DSH. Last year she had a bad bout of depression and was prescribed antidepressants, got past the 'hump' and was taken off.

Her depression has returned. With it she has anxiety attacks. It's been pointed out to me that her anxiety attacks are triggered when I'm there (not that I'm making her anxious - she asks for me to help her when she gets them). Some have suggested (and I LOATHE this phrase) that it's attention seeking - seeing her distress during the attack I doubt it is in any conscious manner.

A friend of mine, O, told me that a contributory factor in his last break up was Y's behaviour during her last bout of depression and his response to it (the same as mine - taking her home, making sure she had somewhere to stay if she wasn't safe to drive home, talking her out of her anxiety attacks etc).

She's been prescribed antidepressant/anti anxiety meds and is 3 weeks away from talking therapy.

I've obviously become a trigger for her anxiety (I have no doubt it's anxiety attacks, she has all the classic symptoms). Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can help her break this cycle?

[Pimento]

One trick I learned for anxiety attacks is this:

Breathe in to a count of 3 Mississippi

Hold your breath for another 3

Blow out as fast as you can.

Repeat 3 times.

[crazylegs]

One trick I learned for anxiety attacks is this:

Breathe in to a count of 3 Mississippi

Hold your breath for another 3

Blow out as fast as you can.

Repeat 3 times.

Yeah, that's not a problem. I can talk her out of them (being a paramedic helps with that) but I appear to be some sort of trigger, how can I help her break that cycle?

[NecessaryCatharsis]

Its unclear from your post if you are a trigger for the anxiety attacks, or if it is that she CAN have them when you are there. Does she know what are triggers for her?

Many of my anxiety attacks are social interaction related, but most people will never see them, if I am having symptoms of an attack (the things I feel) I can hold it together for as long as it takes me to get out of the social situation that's triggering them. That's not very long, I don't go to parties and things because I am a terribly rude guest that practically runs off with no warning, I've left shopping in the cart and bolted out of the store because someone asked if they could help me, I've left in the middle of a movie because someone asked if they could get by me. Once I am away from the people and situation, that's when the signs (what other people can see) start, and that mostly happens when I am alone, in my car, the bathroom, my house, wherever 'safe' I can get. However there are some people that I trust enough, that I can have the actual attack - the signs that people can witness - around in a one on one situation. And once the symptoms start, I either need to get some Ativan into me quick or I WILL have the full signs, once the 'danger' has passed.

There are other times when I can tell from the time I wake up that today is going to be a problem. Either I have had things going round my mind that are getting fast enough I know they are going to cause a crash, or it's just the feeling when I wake up, leftover from bad dreams, or something I can't identify, but I just know. I'm almost always right when I get that feeling, and at some point a panic attack will occur. Again most people will never know that anything happened, but if someone I trust enough is around it can happen when they are there. Those kind I can hold off for a lot longer, sometimes a few hours, it just causes me to walk around in extreme fear for a while until I can get alone and get it out of me.

I can't tell from your original post if you are actually a cause or trigger, or if it's just that you are safe enough to go off around. If you are a trigger I don't know that you can do anything about it, it is something that she will probably have to work through in her talking therapy, and once she starts that she may be able to guide you into helping her work it out. If it is just that you are a safe refuge I don't think you would be causing it, even though it could seem that way to you or others. She may be having a lot more than she is willing to admit to anyone (I do, to a factor of about x15) and you just happen to catch some of them.

[crazylegs]

Its unclear from your post if you are a trigger for the anxiety attacks, or if it is that she CAN have them when you are there. Does she know what are triggers for her? <snip>

I can't tell from your original post if you are actually a cause or trigger, or if it's just that you are safe enough to go off around. If you are a trigger I don't know that you can do anything about it, it is something that she will probably have to work through in her talking therapy, and once she starts that she may be able to guide you into helping her work it out. If it is just that you are a safe refuge I don't think you would be causing it, even though it could seem that way to you or others. She may be having a lot more than she is willing to admit to anyone (I do, to a factor of about x15) and you just happen to catch some of them.

I'm not sure - I thought I was someone safe who she trusted. I don't want to raise it now as she only started taking her meds last week (so is going through that horrendous stage where she's 'worse' than before the meds). She also scores quite highly on SAD PERSON score and she's mentioned suicidal thoughts before (yes, her Dr knows this).

I really don't know either way. She's in such a fragile state right now I daren't do anything that would risk her getting in a worse state. I'd hate to accuse her of doing anything she's not because as a (probable) safe haven I don't want to remove that support from her.

She says she tells me everything - I can only take that at face value.

[MoonCat]

Has she talked to her doctor about these attacks happening when you're around? Her doctor needs to know. Here's the thing: Unless this is your calling in life, it's going to start being a big stress on you, because every time you're around her you end up talking her down from an attack. That's going to start being unhealthy for YOU. So she needs to discuss this with her doctor and work with him/her to find another way to deal with her panic/anxiety. It can't always be on your shoulders.

ETA: One other thing. It is possible for someone to do this (or other things) as a kind of "attention seeking" and still be very distressed while it's happening. The distress is genuine, but so is the need to involve others, possibly as a way of connecting to someone. It's also possible for a person with a history of health problems (mental, physical, or a combo) to put themselves into a distressed state simply because they've been dealing with these problems for so long, they don't know any other way to be. I don't mean this as a criticism of your friend, please believe me. I've had panic attacks (though not suicidal thoughts, thank god) and I'm very aware that they are no fun. It's just that I've lived with and worked with people who were in a perpetual state of distress due to not knowing how to handle the very real health problems they were living with, and it's extremely wearing on the people who are trying to help.

[Seshat]

"attention seeking" and "cries for help" can be genuine: as in, 'I know subconsciously that if I don't get help, things will be Very Bad Indeed, so my subconscious mind is looking for help by triggering behaviour X'.
If that's the case for her, the talking therapy should (eventually) resolve it. Sooner rather than later, if she brings it up with her therapist.

NOTE:
If I'm holding it together, Toth or Bast coming come can be the trigger for a severe release. I can seem fine, fine, fine, fine, Toth's home! I'm a mess!
In that situation, it's not that Toth's triggering it, it's that I'm finally safe to let go.

[crazylegs]

Has she talked to her doctor about these attacks happening when you're around? Her doctor needs to know. Here's the thing: Unless this is your calling in life, it's going to start being a big stress on you, because every time you're around her you end up talking her down from an attack. That's going to start being unhealthy for YOU. So she needs to discuss this with her doctor and work with him/her to find another way to deal with her panic/anxiety. It can't always be on your shoulders.

Indeed, while I work in healthcare I need my downtime as much as the next person.

NOTE:
If I'm holding it together, Toth or Bast coming come can be the trigger for a severe release. I can seem fine, fine, fine, fine, Toth's home! I'm a mess!
In that situation, it's not that Toth's triggering it, it's that I'm finally safe to let go.

It may be that that's the case but I'm curious as to why that safe person isn't her partner.

[Gizmo]

It may be that that's the case but I'm curious as to why that safe person isn't her partner.

Could be her partner is to 'hyper' or unemotive for her to feel he can deal with them. Same as me and many friends. The people we are with aren't always the calmest or most able to deal with others.

[NecessaryCatharsis]

It may be that that's the case but I'm curious as to why that safe person isn't her partner.

My husband felt it was his job to keep me safe and happy. Seeing me have a panic attack upset him so much, he didn't know how to protect me from random shit in my own head. I would try not to let him see them, people who don't care so much seemed a better idea.

[Bardmaiden]

Indeed, while I work in healthcare I need my downtime as much as the next person.



It may be that that's the case but I'm curious as to why that safe person isn't her partner.

I love my partner very much and feel safe around him but I tend not to fall apart around him 'if' possible. I don't like worrying him and adding to other stresses he has right now.

[ArcticChicken]

Seeing me have a panic attack upset him so much, he didn't know how to protect me from random shit in my own head.

This is exactly why I try not to let my boyfriend see when I'm having a bout of self hatred or depression. He gets so upset, and it just makes me feel worse.

[Seshat]

.... am I just unusually blessed to have Toth and Bast?

Both Toth and Bast know, absolutely KNOW, that the core reason for my (and Bast's) emotional problems is physiological. Oh, we can have transient environmental causes just like everyone else, and we can have transient ups and downs like everyone else. But the deep crud that's abnormal is physiological.

So we don't let ourselves get upset by it, no more than we'd get upset by other acute phases of other chronic medical conditions. It's just something to deal with, help the partner get through.

Sure, it hurts to have someone we love who's sick and we can't cure it. But that's what our other friends are for.
Comfort in. Dump out.

[Gizmo]

Sure, it hurts to have someone we love who's sick and we can't cure it. But that's what our other friends are for.
Comfort in. Dump out.

I love that article. Had an instance earlier this week - a close friends ex died suddenly. A friend who was less close who barely knew said ex was moaning that it had 'ruined her birthday whilst he was still trying to take in the news.

[crazylegs]

I love my partner very much and feel safe around him but I tend not to fall apart around him 'if' possible. I don't like worrying him and adding to other stresses he has right now.

She's said that to me in the past that she doesn't want to worry him.

This is exactly why I try not to let my boyfriend see when I'm having a bout of self hatred or depression. He gets so upset, and it just makes me feel worse.

Probably a bit of this as well.

Anyone any ideas on how to break the cycle..?