Drama's bitch has had it

[MoonCat]

This is just a vent. I don't even know where to start.

It seems that I can't be honest with anyone in my life. I can't say anything without someone going off into a huffy fit or shutting down or bursting into tears.

You'd think that I must be saying horrible things, I must be calling people names, screaming at them, or being horribly critical. I'm not.

At home, I can't say "hey, we can't spend money on that right now" without triggering a major cold front. At work, my CW "Betty" is the emotional pivot around which the entire office swings. Tears are nearly a daily occurrence, and even when mgmt. is correct about something, I don't dare agree, because Betty is The Victim. I thought home was a place to get away from that, but it's not.

I spend my whole life walking on eggshells around people who, in their view, are always the victim, always the loser, always the one being picked on and going through endless pain, while apparently I'm the one who has everything I ever wanted and life is oh-so-perfect for me. I can't say boo because THEY'RE depressed or anxious or sad or whatever - never mind my feelings. I can't disagree because it causes a screaming fit. I can't say "No" because it triggers a CBF and a total withdrawal.

How the hell do you live with people like this?

[Barracuda]

Sounds like you need to learn how to establish proper boundaries with other people. I have had that problem myself in my life--both with violating others' without knowing it, and with having mine violated without realizing it was ok to get upset and push back over it. There are books out there that can help you learn to do this, and a counselor may be a good idea--some places offer help for free if you can't afford it. I would try a combination of reading and counseling to learn how to build healthier boundaries and how to respond in a healthy way to people not respecting your limits.

[sms001]

How the hell do you live with people like this?

I know you're just venting, but the answer is - you don't. Even if it's a SO, you have to move these people out of your life. Workmates and family, the same, just don't participate. You might start with Betty. A simple "Your response/reaction to this is inappropriate." and move on.

[Gizmo]

I've been both sides - the depressed and the blamed. However when depressed I didn't allow myself to use the cold front and tried to explain instead - didn't always work but better than stupid spats.

I got called a bully for asking simple things of one friend - his loss not mine and he lost more friends through trying to oust me than I did due to his accusations.

If the partner won't listen to "explain to me and we will work through it together" then .... I agree with the above that enough sometimes just is enough.

As for Betty... sounds like management need to have a word with her.

hugs.

[Seshat]

Either you don't live with them, or you train them.

Training them takes time - and it involves training yourself, as well. As much training of yourself as of them!

For instance, if someone gets angry at you when you try to talk to them about something, you look at them, calmly, and tell them that you'll discuss it with them when they're not angry. And you go away. Deprive them entirely of your presence.
Or you can do what my husband did to train me to stop getting angry. He just looked at me, calmly, and refused to engage. Like training a toddler who's having a tantrum.

But to do either of those, you must train yourself to stay calm when someone else is angry; and that's not the easiest task in the world.


Similarly, when someone gets inappropriately upset, you need to refuse to engage with it. Get up, tell them you'll give them a few minutes to sort themselves out. Go away and make coffee for you both, or something else short like that, then come back and resume the conversation. Staying calm, reasonable, rational.
If they continue being upset, rinse and repeat.
If they continue after too many repetitions, just continue the conversation as if they weren't upset.
If they try the 'I'm too upset to hear this' sort of tactic in the workplace. If they try that, then escalate it to management, especially if it's a pattern of behaviour. If you are management, you may have to inform them that you cannot have a subordinate who cannot take negative feedback, and they will have to learn how to or you'll have to let them go.
Note that someone who is appropriately upset needs different treatment, of course.


It's a lot like teaching a dog not to be afraid of thunder or of the vet. You don't reward their fear with additional attention.

[MoonCat]

Thanks, guys (and ladies). At work the thing is, I'm a steward. I'm there to stick up for my co-workers. Betty is a high-maintenance person, and she does have some legit complaints. It's the trying to separate the legit ones from the non-legit that drives me crazy. Today, she was actually in a really good mood, even looked better (her health is not good). She's having surgery soon (they finally figured out what's wrong with her) and is it wrong to say I'm looking forward to that six-week respite while she's out? Hoping it all goes well for her, though.

At home, it's not a partner. I live with my two sisters. None of us have a choice in this, financially. Lots of emotional baggage from growing up with a depressed mother and an alcoholic father. I'm sure I do things that drive them crazy, too. I learned (the hard way) not to engage a screamer. But the cold front/withdrawal thing is harder to deal with because when someone does that, they either refuse to talk, or all they say is sarcastic nastiness. Can't solve a problem that way. I usually just disengage and we just don't talk to each other for a day or so. Hurts, though.

[Sapphire Silk]

Ultimately it's all about choice. We can't control the choices in behaviors of other people. We can influence them (maybe) but we can't control them.

What we CAN control is our own behavior. Seshat is right; refuse to engage the cold front. Treat it is permission to implement what you want: don't spend the money and act happy about it. When sister objects, tell her, "Then you have to discuss things with me instead of shutting down." Show her the budget and ask him how she plans to pay for what she wants? Does she plan to get a second job?

I had a roommate like this. He wanted an expensive cable package for the TV. I wasn't home much and wanted the cheaper basic package. I told him if he wanted the more expensive package he would have to pay the difference. He complained that I would then have free access to "his" channels. I reminded him I didn't watch much TV because I was hardly ever home. He still bitched. So I have him a second option: he could get an independent hook up in his bedroom so me and our other roommate couldn't "steal" his TV. Naturally, he didn't want to do that either.

The bills for the house were all in my name (I had the lease and sublet the rooms), so it went my way.

That might be a way to deal with your sisters. Whose name is on the lease? Whose name is on all the bills: electric, phone, cable/internet? If they're all in yours, then you have control. Everything else is extra: if your sister wants something like furniture, food, games/toys or whatever and you don't want to pitch in, then just don't.