Am I Being Unreasonable?

[Greenday]

So, my fiance is going into her second year of law school. Her parents bought her a condo and last year she rented out the second bedroom to another student. My girlfriend decided to raise the price after a year to cover additional costs and that roommate decided she wanted to pay less than she was already paying. So for the past few months, my fiance has been looking for a new roommate. She put out some craigslist ads and besides a few people who tried to scam her, most of the people responding have been men.

I'm not okay with this. It would make me extremely uncomfortable for her to live with some guy she doesn't know. She doesn't do any actual background checks. She said one guy had a few references ready to go. Who were they? The guy's brother, a friend, his CO (he's in the Navy). I told her what good are those references? I'd give my druggie, mental age of a 10 year old cousin a glowing reference if it scored him a job or a place to live. I don't trust any of those people to be honest. Of course they'll say whatever just to make him sound good.

It's separate bedrooms, separate bathrooms but I still don't like it. I don't trust people I don't know. I've talked to both my parents about it and they feel the same way. My mom said she would never want my step-dad living with another woman around. Her parents think I'm being silly. But I just don't trust strange men living right next to my fiance. And even if they are okay, it just takes one night of over-drinking to set some people off. Or if he has multiple guy friends over drinking, odds are at least one guy will be thinking, "Hm, there's this cute woman RIGHT there..." While I trust my fiance to not cheat on me, I just don't trust other men and while she talks a big game and usually sleeps with a knife, I can tell she's the kind who would freeze up instead of fighting back.

So am I being unreasonable? Does it make sense why I'm uncomfortable with this?

[NecessaryCatharsis]

It's not at all unreasonable to be uncomfortable, you feel how you feel. If you are behaving unreasonably depends on what you are doing.

If you are willing to spend the money to rent the room yourself, I say go ahead and tell her not to, you'll pay for it, otherwise limiting her behaviour (whether she can rent to someone she chose) will be like limiting her finances, and a rather unfair burden for her. Rather than tell her who she can and can't rent to, try to offer to help with the search and steer her in a direction you will be more comfortable with. Figure out if your problem with a potential roommate is 1) Male, 2) unknown person or 3) only both together, and try to steer the search so your worries will be reduced.

Ask her if she will agree to proper criminal background checks (on your dime, it's your problem) before signing a lease. Offer to pay for a real estate agent to search for a month (again, on your dime) that specialized in finding tenants, they will ensure at least a proper credit check. Offer to organize some advertising, then put them in places more women are likely to see it (nursing student program, womens only gyms etc). Try to find some middle ground where you both get what you want (she gets the money she needs from renting the room, you get to feel comfortable with who she is living with). Ask her if she'd be willing to attend some self defence classes, training will prevent freezing should she need to defend herself.

If this is your line in the sand, go ahead and draw it, but just be warned that anytime you say 'you can't' the unspoken 'or else' is heard, and sometimes people choose to 'else'. If this is something you don't especially like, but can live with, try to affect as many variables as you can towards something your comfortable with, and embrace the live with it as much as can.

(And it never hurts to scare the crap out of the new roommate when you meet him, as long as your fiancé wont be offended when she hears of it - because she will!)

[Greenday]

It's certainly not an unfair burden on her. She doesn't pay a dime. Her parents pay for everything.

[NecessaryCatharsis]

Well that's a little different-I may revise my answer when I get home

[NecessaryCatharsis]

I've thought a lot about this, and my opinion, for what it's worth is:

If you tell her she can't have a male roommate you come down on the controlling asshole side of not trusting her - whether that's not trusting her to behave, or to be able to take care of herself, or to make good life choices, BUT (and it is a really big but) everyone has that little voice that whispers 'what if..'. He's a horrible voice, deals in the worst case scenario, and you can't spend your life listening to him or you'll go insane, but you'll never really shut him up forever. Even though you have to trust your partner that voice will still creep up every now and again and make you feel insecure about something. I think it is every persons responsibility in a relationship to tamp down that voice in their partner, not flare it up. That sometimes means not doing things you want so you can help to keep your partners insecure little voice quiet, and in this case probably means your fiancé should be willing to plan a living arrangement you are at least somewhat comfortable with.

I assume you've told your fiancé that you are feeling uncomfortable about her getting a male roommate you don't know, and it hasn't changed her plans. You can try to talk to her about it again, and the approach is very important. Tell her how and why this makes you feel, and if this is want, not a need, for her, she may be willing to compromise in some way (suggestions still stand above), or she may not. In her case I probably would, unless you started out with 'You can't live with some guy I've never met, I won't allow it'. Then I would probably just tell you to F off, and do whatever I wanted. If she isn't willing to compromise, no matter what your approach, it doesn't become a matter of if you're feelings are reasonable, more a matter of what you can or can't live with.

I'm going to repeat myself, what I think is the most important part: If this is your line in the sand, go ahead and draw it, but just be warned that anytime you say 'you can't' the unspoken 'or else' is heard, and sometimes people choose to 'else'. If this is something you don't especially like, but can live with, try to affect as many variables as you can towards something your comfortable with, and embrace the live with it as much as you can.

It's kink of a tricky one, sorry I couldn't be of more help, and good luck.

[BlaqueKatt]

While I trust my fiance to not cheat on me, I just don't trust other men and while she talks a big game and usually sleeps with a knife, I can tell she's the kind who would freeze up instead of fighting back.

So am I being unreasonable? Does it make sense why I'm uncomfortable with this?

Funny you worry about a male roommate, when a female is a threat in the same manner really.

Reason I say this is my male roommates were safe as houses, well one used to borrow my clothes without asking(I had trusted friends that would ask around for me-I was the wrong gender for ANY of my male roommates to have an interest in ), however, the females "borrowed"(read stole), anything not nailed down(clothes, makeup, feminine hygiene products, razors, shampoo, bodywash, food, dishes), and one regularly brought home guys from the bar that after roommate passed out drunk would decide since I shared a domicile with roommate I obviously shared her morals and wouldn't object to *ahem* "company" in the middle of the night.

A female roommate doesn't guarantee safety.

[MoonCat]

Just curious - why do you think the guy's CO wouldn't give an honest opinion? Unless they're friends, I'd think a good reference from someone in that position would count for something. But then I don't know anyone in the military, so maybe I'm assuming too much?

[Seanette]

Greenday, I'm trying to figure out why you don't simply rent the room and move in, since this is the person you say you plan to spend the rest of your life with, and I would think that a couple planning marriage also plan to share living space anyway.

[Seshat]

I was going to say the same thing as BlaqueKatt.

You're being unreasonable only in that you have an unspoken assumption that a female roommate would be safe/safer. That's very untrue: women can be just as dangerous as men!


Now, if you also say 'You can't have a male roommate because I don't want you to!', that's unreasonable behaviour.

If you say 'I'm worried about your safety', that's reasonable. If you arrange with her ways to improve her safety, whether by providing her with self-defence techniques/training, or improving how she checks on roommates, then that's reasonable.

[Greenday]

Greenday, I'm trying to figure out why you don't simply rent the room and move in, since this is the person you say you plan to spend the rest of your life with, and I would think that a couple planning marriage also plan to share living space anyway.

If you have a job available at $25/hr or great in Rhode Island or Southeastern Mass, hire me and I'll move right now.

If I move in with her right now, I'd be unemployed and she'd be a law student with no job.

My fiance has no probably defending against other women. she doesn't freeze against them. It's against men.

And I haven't told her what she can or can't do. Only that it makes me uncomfortable.

[Seanette]

Ah. Wasn't aware of your constraints, since it hadn't been mentioned.

[Peppergirl]

To be fair, he probably didn't mention it because it wasn't germane to his question about whether or not it was reasonable for him to feel this way.

There are a vast amount of reasons people may not wish to co-habitate before marriage.

[Seanette]

I'm well aware of that, just thought it was a simpler solution than some being discussed, not knowing about the employment/finance side of the problem.

[Sapphire Silk]

My fiance has no probably defending against other women. she doesn't freeze against them. It's against men.

It's a fallacy to think she can defend herself against any woman. Fact is, I've seen women do far more damage to other women than women to do men, men do to men, or even men do to women.

Women fight dirty. A friend of mine when I worked in corrections often said, "I'd rather fight 10 men than one woman."

I think you're jumping to conclusions that conflict would escalate to violence. More likely than not she'd just get mad about the usual things that room mates get mad about: borrowing things without permission, not doing household chores, not paying rent/utilities on time.

Room mates are a mixed bag of nuts. I've had some great male roomies. I've had some dismal ones. I've had some great female roomies. I've had some dismal ones.

Gender is really irrelevant to that issue.

And I haven't told her what she can or can't do. Only that it makes me uncomfortable.

You have the right to feel what you feel; I believe you when you say you haven't told your fiance what to do. You have the right to make legitimate concerns known.

Your concern about references is legitimate. She should pay to get a criminal background check AND a credit check on any potential room mate. Any landlord who does not do this is asking for trouble (and technically, your fiance is the land lord).

Now a Navy CO (especially an officer) is a good reference. If he makes the reference in writing (insist on that, on Navy letterhead) then that person is putting their military reputation on the line. They won't give a reference lightly under such circumstances; it could come back to bite them.

Family members or friends are not good references. Former and current employers are.

But you really want the background check. You want to know if someone has a history of drug use, alcohol abuse, or violence. You want to know if someone is a deadbeat BEFORE you rent to them . . . because in many states once you establish residency it is very hard to evict someone.

[Greenday]

It's a fallacy to think she can defend herself against any woman.

It's based on experience. She freezes up when it comes to men. Not women.