Blending families

[mathnerd]

So, I still sometimes have trouble believing this is really happening, but here we are, and I need some advise.

Background: I'm a divorced mother of three boys, ages 15, 13, and 12. My ex-husband left me when I was pregnant with the youngest. I've dated in the past, but nothing got serious until now.

So, I met my current boyfriend on an online dating site in February. We corresponded by email, text and phone until late March, and then finally met in person (working out schedules to meet, plus we first started corresponding before I even moved to where I am now...kind of a long, but cute story). It was slow to get started, and we dated casually, but were mostly friends with benefits until July. At that point things got pretty serious pretty fast for Reasons that aren't particularly relevant to this post.

Over the last month, my boys and I have been spending far more time at bf's house than at our place. Again, there are Reasons I don't care to go into, but suffice it to say they are good reasons. Both bf and I are now thinking long term, happily ever after in regards to our relationship. It's something we both want, but have been putting on the brakes because of how fast things moved once they got going. Now, we are at his house a LOT. I haven't actually been back to my place for a week, to give you an idea. Bf and I have been working out making his household run smoothly as a household of 6 (me, him, my boys, and one of his daughters, who's living with him temporarily for work related reasons). This means compiling chore lists and having the boys take on some of the work involved in running the house. It's starting to look like a family here.

Of course, this is his house, and being the adult, has started to slowly venture into a role more like step-father than random adult who's friends with mom. He's really putting in a lot of effort to figure out his role, and assert some authority, without overstepping. He's not done the step-father thing at all. He's a widower, but he never re-married, and didn't really even have a serious girlfriend until after his kids were grown. The boys don't really even know what it's like to have a father. It's just been me and them for pretty much their entire lives. They are fighting this "intrusion" tooth and nail. I think their reactions are pretty much normal, as far as that's concerned. I don't think there's a kid alive who hasn't fought the addition of a step parent, or at least resisted a little bit. One of the boys flat out said "it's just been us our whole lives. Can't you wait six more years?" *sigh*

So, here's my question. For those of you who have either been in this position in any role (kid, natural parent, step-parent), is there anything bf and I can do to make this transition smoother? We don't quite live here yet, and there's no talk of getting married, but we are talking long term, with our without wedding rings. Any insight from those who have been there/done that would be greatly appreciated.

Oh, and cookies for those who've made it through that whole, rambling post. I hope it made sense. I can answer questions if I left out important details.

[Gizmo]

I'd be tempted to go down the "you know, its not all about you kids. As your mum I DO have a life too..." route. But the likelihood of that working depends on the attitude of the boys.... and since they are "oh, just wait another 6 years..." I think that might go over badly.

I didn't have a father figure until I was 8. (At least I don't really remember any of the transient boyfriends that I know mum did have). I was young enough to be taken under the wing of my older step sister who wanted to be all and everything to me (backfired later on...). It did help at first.

I'd try the treat them like grown ups and be honest with them thing because its how my mother did stuff with me. See how it goes.

[Seshat]

It does makes sense.

This is something I have zero experience with, but it might not be a bad plan to let the kids in on age-appropriate aspects of the Reasons, as well as the concept that yes, Mum gets to have romance in her life.


I think I'd go through the age-appropriate honesty route. But being very careful to make it as much about you (perhaps both of you) hearing each boy as explaining to them.
And give them the chance to think about it and get back to you. Perhaps give them each something to write their thoughts in, and once they have their POV settled in their mind, they can talk with one or both of you - whichever and whoever they want.

[Kheldarson]

You might also encourage your bf to connect to your boys individually. Take them to favorite places and events. Then he's not just your bf; he's the guy they did X and Y with.

[cindybubbles]

Definitely schedule some male bonding time for them. And see if you can bond with his daughter.

[mathnerd]

His daughter that lives locally and I had some bonding time over last week, taking care of him while he recovered from surgery (which was awkward when I needed her to come into his bedroom in the middle of the night with me there, but hey, ya do what you gotta do). Given the age difference between the two of us( 22 years), his daughters are actually a lot closer to my age than I am to him. His other daughter lives a few thousand miles away, so it makes getting to know her rather difficult.

As for male bonding time, he's trying to do that too. Actually, they're four peas in a pod. I've walked into the room they were in several times to hear them discussing various things I don't want to know about, such as blowing things up. He's a scientist, and that's right up their alley. He had really wanted to take them to the air show last weekend, but his surgery put a stop to that, which really disappointed all of them. He also takes them out for pizza from time to time. This is a huge treat, as my food allergies prevent me from getting anywhere near a pizza place, let alone eating the stuff. Oh, and he and I took one of the kids to a street fair a few weeks ago. The other two didn't want to go.

So, he is trying, but oh, boy when he exerts even the smallest amount of authority they push back big time. Thankfully they're not rude about it, but they are resisting.

[Kheldarson]

So, he is trying, but oh, boy when he exerts even the smallest amount of authority they push back big time. Thankfully they're not rude about it, but they are resisting.

Then you may need to back him up. Not only with the honest conversation of "Mom deserves to be happy too" but also with "He's here for the long haul and his word stands as mine". And then back him up when the boys resist.

[Kittish]

When I was 12, I went to live with my biological dad. His girlfriend lived with him (us), and I recall some pretty flashy clashes between she and I. My dad put his foot down with me and told me straight up "She IS the boss of you. You do what she tells you." Then he backed her up when she and I clashed after that conversation. Didn't take me long to work out that he meant it.

[Seshat]

With my understanding of human behaviour - noting that I am NOT, as I said, experienced in this specific type of event - I would expect that pushback.

In the case of the younger children, it's part of the whole 'children need boundaries' thing, and they need to test the boundaries. I bet they give pushback to their teachers every time they get a new one as well.

The teenager is - well, he's a teenager. He's not just looking for where the boundaries are, he's got the whole teenage egocentrism thing happening as well. (This is just part of learning to identify his self independant from his family, but it's damned inconvenient right now.)

If it were me - and I am NOT a parent, so take this with a handful of salt - I would go with a combination of you and your boyfriend forming a paired authority, and doing a lot of listening and making adjustments based on what you hear.

For now, I would ask the adult-daughter to be kind enough to avoid being an authority figure (safety permitting, of course); so the boys only have to adjust to one new authority figure. Or to be a 'big sister' level of authority, nothing more.


I wish you and the boys well.

[Jester]

I am probably more familiar with this situation than most people here, not just because I lived through a similar situation when I was a teenaged boy, but because you and I talk frequently.

My opinion is that you and Scientist are basically doing it about as well as you can do it. There is no magical way to just turn these boys' heads around. You're asking them to change all that they know, and they've already been through a lot of change in the last year or so, as you and I both know, without getting into details that you may or may not want to discuss publicly.

I was 15 when my Mom first started dating my Stepfather, and I was as resistant to him as I'd been to any of the few guys she'd dated since my father had passed away a few years earlier. (Well, one of them I was far more resistant to than others, but as it turned out, my instincts were right, and he was a walking dung heap.) it didn't help that I was constantly clashing with my younger sister, who is only a year younger than me (my older sister was out of the house and off to college by then), or that Stepdad had a son a year older than me (a daughter, too, but she lived with her mother, so did not factor much into our lives back then). So, yeah...three teenagers. I can relate.

You've often heard me refer to my stepfather in glowing terms, because the man flat out rocks. As does Scientist, from what I know of him. But do you honestly think pissant 15-year-old Jester was either mature enough to accept that or knowledgable enough about Stepdad to go into that whole thing with a smile and open arms? Oh, HELL no! Nor was Lil Sis, not Step Bro. But Mom and Stepdad persevered, and they've now been together for--doing math in my head, HOLY SHIT!!!--28 years. And I refer to them as "my parents," as do all five of us. And Step Bro and Step Sis are now unquestionably family, for good and bad. (It's family. It will never be perfect. Have I TOLD you about my older sister?)

One of the boys flat out said "it's just been us our whole lives. Can't you wait six more years?"

I am betting I know which of the three boys came out with that particular gem! Middle child, no?

He also takes them out for pizza from time to time. This is a huge treat, as my food allergies prevent me from getting anywhere near a pizza place, let alone eating the stuff.

Just a thought: ya know that tomatoless red sauce I gave you the recipe to a while back? Have you thought about using that on homemade pizza from time to time?

So, he is trying, but oh, boy when he exerts even the smallest amount of authority they push back big time. Thankfully they're not rude about it, but they are resisting.

And they will. See my comments about me and my Stepdad above. But as long as you and Scientist stay calm and hold firm, things can and will work. It won't be easy, and it won't even always be pretty. But if you both want it to work, and accept that it will take a good amount of work, it will work. The fact that the boys all like him puts the biggest potential hurdle out of the way.

[Gizmo]

I agree that there will be pushback from them. But hopefully it will diminish if you hold together on stuff. My step sister was a nightmare with this as she was 15 and being a teenager discovering her sexuality quite well. But she did start realizing that when step mother said something Dad wouldn't disagree with her. She didn't see her way straight on that unfortunately but did gain some respect for Mum eventually.

Sounds like you are doing all the right things - just have to keep going and have the adults still have their own lives conversation with them.

[mathnerd]

I am betting I know which of the three boys came out with that particular gem! Middle child, no?

That would be the one. But there's a silver lining in this statement. You see, he said *six* years. He's 13. He was taking his little brother into account when he said this. 6 months ago, he would have been too self-absorbed to add the extra year.

And thanks. I'm doing what I think is best, but I know I don't know everything, and I'm far from perfect, so I'm bound to make mistakes. I'm hoping the collective experience of cs will bring something to light that I haven't thought of yet.

Things are actually going fairly well. This post was actually triggered by a specific event. Middle child was being a total shit head, so Scientist turned off middle child's internet (he's got his network set up so he has to give permission for individual devices to connect, so he turned off the permissions to middle child's phone). I agree with Scientist's actions. Of course, the children, seeing Scientist come down with a disciplinary action revolted. There were a few days of less-than-pretty attitudes coming from the kids.

To their credit, they mostly pulled me aside and complained to me. Well, except the one incident where middle child called scientist and asshole. I told them that this was happening and they would have to learn to live with it. I deserve a partner in life, and Scientist is a good man, and he's who I want. Of course there will be some growing pains, but that doesn't make him a bad person. They are still rebelling, and I don't expect that to change anytime soon, but they have calmed down quite a bit since the blow up a few days ago.

[MoonCat]

I know squat about kids, but what I do know about families is that the central thing is mom and (step)dad's relationship. If it's solid, and built around love and respect (respect is VERY important), the kids will feel safe, secure and loved. Mom and (step)dad need to present a united front.

It sounds like you're doing the right things. Of course, some bumps in the road are to be expected, but that's just life, you'd have that anyway.

[Seshat]

That sort of rebellion happens in non-blended families too; especially when a disciplinary action like that has to be taken.

[Gerrinson]

I honestly can't say too much except that I know of at least 1 kid who didn't rebel against the addition of a step-parent: Me. My stepmother was superfantasgreat, in general but even more so in comparison to my lunatic bio-mom.

Congrats, though, and good luck! It will be hard work, there will be difficult times, but that is life in general and love is totally worth the effort.