How to deal with saying no to verbally abusive people wanting to movein (swearing)

[Tama]

Thanks for all the advice, guys.


He is really feeling betrayed by his mother right now. She has always, always complained about his sister and all the stuff she does wrong. And somehow he is now the bad guy for refusing to do anything to "save" her.

"She was in tears today if that matters to you!!"


I've NEVER seen her so nasty!

[Jester]

Fuck this load of steaming horseshit. And fuck those trying to shovel it on to you and Al. Fuck them with an electrified barbed wire-covered pick axe.

No. You don't have room and can't afford it. Period, end of story, good night, thanks for coming, drive home safely, enjoy the veal, and get the fuck out.

If you and Al would like to alleviate some of the stress of all this, you should do what many celebrities do: appoint a family spokesperson to deflect a lot of the vitriol and idiocy directed your way. "Anything further you'd like to discuss about this topic, you can discuss with our spokesperson, as we are done discussing it with you."

I know what you're thinking: where the hell are you going to find a spokesperson, who'd be stupid enough to take such a job, and how much would it cost you?

Answers: right here, me, and not a damned cent.

Bullies make me sick, and what these people are trying to do is bully you into letting them sponge off of you. Fuck that. Direct any and all inquiries and comments from and to them through me. I have no problem with confrontation, I am not shy about telling people to go fuck themselves, I can do it politely if needed (I can be as professional or as abusive as you want me to be), and yes, I am absolutely serious about this. Let me know if you and Al would like to take advantage of my particular skill set.

[BlaqueKatt]

"You're abandoning her! She can change! Give her a month!!!!"

of course because in almost every state once someone has stayed for 30 days they have legal tennant rights and to kick them out requires a pricey time consuming court processed eviction while they're STILL living in your house.

About the only thing I can suggest is my favorite goto book: emotional blackmail by Susan Foreward. you already know that's what they're doing, but it gives advice on coping mechanisms as well.

[Jester]

My alternative suggestion, if you decide not to take me up on my earlier offer, is to do this:

Practice saying, calmly and firmly, over and over, the following phrase: "We don't have the room and we can't afford it." Again, and again, and again. And then, whenever they start in with you, just use the phrase exactly as you've practiced. Calmly but firmly, reply to their pleadings, protests, demands, and everything else with that exact phrase, in the same exact tone. Do not let them engage you emotionally. Do not respond to any of their bullshit other than to use that phrase, calmly and firmly. Do not waver, do not let them bully you, and give them no other response but the repeated phrase, delivered calmly and firmly, again and again: "We don't have the room and we can't afford it."

Personally, I'd prefer you take me up on my offer (I could even pose as a lawyer helping you out pro bono), but I don't delude myself enough to believe that it's likely that you will.

Calm down. Breathe. Relax. And start practicing that phrase. Both of you. Over and over. So that when they start in with you again, you have it down. And....begin.

[taxguykarl]

In Sheep's Clothing worked for my wife and BIL (Mrs. TGK's brother). My MIL was a guilt-trip travel agent. As my grandmother held the Mid-West franchise, I grew up immune to guilt trips, but my wife fell for her mother's until she applied the principles in those pages...come to think of it, the writer uncannily predicted MIL's reactions.

[EricKei]

"You're abandoning her! She can change! Give her a month!!!!"

Please forgive me, but I couldn't help but think of the song from South Park: BLU when I saw this. >_< (NSFW for language etc)

[Aragarthiel]

These people are toxic, all of them. Really, I'd cut them off completely if I were in your shoes. It sounds like they just want to take, take, take and not give anything back to the family. If your appendix bursts, you don't keep it just because it's a part of your body. Same thing applies here. Yeah, they're family, but they're still toxic. If all they do is cause trouble, there's nothing to lose from cutting ties. I'd recommend at least considering this. Don't talk to them, don't visit them, don't let them visit you, don't answer the phone, delete all emails, things like that. Even if you decide to just give it a trial period of a month, it'll help, because that will give them the time to realize that they all put themselves in a bad situation and they need to get themselves out.

[Tama]

We can't give them that now. We have already said too much about why we won't-- I liberally use the word "abuser" in reference to his sister, and his mother just...I mean, she's turning out to be an enormous bitchy guilt tripper.

"I just wanna be with dad! Maybe I should!" (Her husband is dead)
"You signed my death certificate!"
"You finally managed to put a wedge between her and Al, I hope you're happy!


To be fair that has been my goal all along. But only because I wouldn't be with him if she were still here.

He actually called his mother this morning hoping for logical discussion, and ended up bawling because of the awful things his mother was saying to him. Guilt trips out the ass and all kinds of accusations about what an AWFUL son he was and how he wasn't raised that way.

Yeah...he was raised to roll over. He's a very sweet and sensitive guy and it really hurts to see him this way. He is interested in looking up that book though. I'm planning on getting it for him.

[mathnerd]

It's not too late to change tactics. I agree with the person who said to find a phrase and stick to it every single time. Don't change your words, tone, or inflection. Be a broken record. Say it once, and if they discussion continues, end the discussion by whatever means possible. Remind Al that he is not responsible for the actions of others. If somebody does choose to do something stupid, that's on them, not him.

[KuariKaydrith]

The book is damn handy to have. I was given a copy of it some years ago to help me deal with my mother's bullshit. It sounds like Al's mother and my mother are cut from the same cloth because those sorts of things are extremely similar to what has come tripping out of my mother's mouth more than once over the years.

Just keep reminding Al that he is in no way responsible for his sister and her bullshit - that is all on his mother for being an enabler for so long. That if his mother feels so strongly that his sister needs help then it is up to Mom to provide it instead of passing the buck and trying to guilt Al into anything.

If the conversations are happening via the phone and you see Al getting upset, just take the phone from him, say into the receiver that the conversation is over and hang up. I'm sure Mommy Dearest will call back - if you have call display simply ignore it, but if you don't then as soon as you hear Mommy Dearest's or Sister's voice just hang up. Keep doing that until they get a clue. Or change you number and don't let them have it.

[pudddykat]

Broken record is actual a technique I learned in DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy). It is basically what everyone said. Be a broken record until it gets through their thick skull or they give up.

[Tama]

This happened last night--he was getting upset about the FB messages he was getting so I told him to give me his phone. His mother started calling. Oops, his phone died. Then mine started ringing. Oops mine was dead too.

Then I started getting nasty messages on MY FB messenger app on my tablet.. Naturally she hated this--she kept asking to speak to her son.

I felt really proud of myself. Told her he didn't feel like speaking to her and shut off the messenger app. We had a nice rest of the night and watched MLP, with him making a grim comparison between his mother and the Queen of the Changelings.


Then he had that phone call at 8 am he made and it went down the tubes again. But I tried to help calm him down, and he's....well a little better now. He mentioned wanting to break free of this...so it looks like we may move soon.

[mathnerd]

It really sounds like you need to put these people in a time out. Block them on FB, block them from your phones, and send any emails they send you into a big, black hole, never to be seen again. You may or may not want to tell them what you're doing first. If you decide to tell them, prepare your (short) speech ahead of time. Make it simple: "I'm sorry it's come to this, but since you cannot respect us, we are going to have to end all contact with you for a short time. When we're ready to re-establish contact, we'll call you. Any attempts to contact us first will be ignored."

Then, in a month, two months, a year or whenever you think it's been long enough, re-establish contact on your own terms. Losing contact with your family sucks. I know this from first hand experience, but when your family is toxic enough, it's worth it.

[Seanette]

Thanks for all the advice, guys.

He is really feeling betrayed by his mother right now. She has always, always complained about his sister and all the stuff she does wrong. And somehow he is now the bad guy for refusing to do anything to "save" her.

"She was in tears today if that matters to you!!"

I've NEVER seen her so nasty!

Remember, HER desperation to get Sissy out of her hair by throwing her son under the bus is not YOUR (meaning both him and you) problem or responsibility. You didn't sign on as a parasite host/punching bag/ATM/slave.

[MoonCat]

His sister is a master manipulator. No surprise, since she learned it from their mother, who also is a master. You don't need the drama.

Nothing makes a user so desperate as when people finally get enough of their shit and refuse to take anymore. Now the proverbial chickens are coming home to roost and that's why mom is freaked out. She wants to drag her son down the hole with her so she doesn't have to face the crap alone.

Good on you for being strong. Best of luck to you and your husband.