Internet dating advice needed.

[Jester]

The following may be a bit too open and personal for some people. If that's you, please, just move on to the next thread. I'm not here to piss anyone off.

For various personal reasons, I've decided I'm going to attempt to date via one of those online sites that matches people up. You know, dating websites. I haven't decided which one yet, and it's going to be a bit before I have time to really delve into it, due to work and other stuff I have to take care of in my life, but I decided to seek advice from you fine folks. Not so much on which website I choose, though I will welcome suggestions on that as well, but more on what you think I should put in my profile description.

This request may sound odd, as I am not known for being at a loss for words. But the thing is, I am verbose as a motherfucker, and have trouble editing myself. Also, while I am great when advising others in this kind of thing, I have trouble guiding myself. The barber who can't cut his own hair, if you will. Also, recent events have both sharpened my focus in some areas, but also have made others less clear. And I could use some help focusing.

So, if you were helping me write this profile--which is kind of what I'm asking for help in here--what would you suggest I put down, from what you know of me on here? I'm not looking for generalities, such as "be yourself," or "be honest." I always am both, or try to be as much as I can. (I lie like hell to my mother and the government, of course. And sometimes I have to lie to a degree to my customers as well.) No, I'm looking for specifics. From what you know of me in our interactions here, what would you suggest I highlight or say about myself? And this is not a fishing expedition for compliments, mind you. I prefer honesty, even if it's of the negative variety. ("Whatever you do, don't mention what a psycho nutcase you are to your nieces' dates! Or the time you shot up heroin with Jim Morrison!") I'm just looking for outside perspectives.

I'm not looking to get laid, though I don't object to that. I am looking to find someone I can date, that we can enjoy each other's company, have some mutual interests, make each other laugh, make each other smile, and maybe even make each other crazy. Someone witty and intelligent, but who enjoys life, and is generally positive. Someone who enjoys good food and drink, but isn't getting arrested in drunken brawls. I like a good story, but I don't need undue drama.

In short--and this is probably a terrible analogy--I feel like Lloyd Dobler, and I'm looking for Diane Court, and you guys are my Corey and D.C. Or something like that.

[Kittish]

I met Boyfriend via an online dating site.

First suggestion is try to write it from the viewpoint of writing about someone else. Pretend you're doing this to help out a really good friend.

Next, devote a few sentences to a paragraph to each of your friend's main interests. Not more than about 6 sentences for each one. Leave plenty of room for your friend to have stuff to talk about re:these interests to some other interested party. Teasers, if you will. This is what your friend is bringing to the table for any potential dates. Your friend's love of rum, being a stage magician, being an inveterate smartass are all possibilities for this.

Next, devote one or two paragraphs to what your friend thinks is most important in a potential long term partner. Again, not more than about 6 sentences per paragraph, and limit it to two paragraphs. Be kind of general here, unless your friend has some really specific thing that he's adamant about being really important to him. This is the minimum your friend will accept a potential date bringing to the table.

Third, be patient. Be willing to spend a couple of weeks trading written messages back and forth for any potential match. Next step after that is a telephone conversation, and then finally (if all has gone well), an actual date. Keep this purely platonic and in a public space. DO NOT go home with or bring home the date the first time out.

Pure suggestion here: For the first date, set up a safe call (or set of calls) with a trusted friend. Make sure they know where the date will take place, and if any other locations are added on the fly let your safe call know. Arrange ahead of time some innocent sounding code phrase that tells that friend "Help, get me out of here!" Tell the date about the safe call, and that if you don't take the call (or make it at a certain time, depending on how it's set up) that the alarm will be sounded. This protects the date as much as it does you. And if they get offended that you've taken steps to protect yourself and them, it's a pretty good sign that this is possibly someone you don't want to associate with in any event.

[Jester]

A couple of things. First, I am not a stage magician, I am a closeup magician. The only magic I do on stage is an amazing impression of Bob Dylan when I do karaoke. (No, seriously.)

Second, I'm not sure I understand the whole safe call thing, but I do know that this town is filled with very highly public places for meeting people. Still, could use some more elaboration on the safe call.

Finally, I can't guarantee that I wouldn't go home with them the first date. It would be unlikely, as that would not be my goal, but I am also not opposed to that, for a couple of reasons. First, I have gone home with someone on the first date, and had it work out very well. Secondly, if it ends up being someone that I don't really want to date, but I do want to sleep with, well I'll be damned if I'm gonna turn that down. Sure, you can call me a slut if you want, but I'm honest about it. But again.....getting laid is not my goal here. I'm just not gonna guarantee that I'd turn it down.

As for writing the profile, I know how to do it. I'm just looking for some perspectives outside of my own head, as to what qualities I possess that I should highlight.

Thanks for the input.....feel free to add more if you want, or not. Either way.

[Kittish]

My mistake, though I'm not entirely sure I understand the distinction between stage magic and close up magic.

Safe calls are a thing that's developed over probably over the last ten years or so, especially as internet dating has become more popular and common. You make your date, and let someone you know is responsible and trustworthy know where you'll be on that date, and arrange either for them to call you or you to call them at a preset time. The idea is that if things aren't going well, you feel threatened or get a sense of 'crazy stalker bitch from hell' you can let your friend know and set into motion some previously prepared plan to yank your butt out of that particular fire. Thus, the innocent sounding code phrase that's a signal for "I need some help here." I used a variant of 'things are going great!' that's not part of my normal vocabulary as my code. The other part of this is that if you go missing, say, there is a last known location for where you were as well as someone with knowledge of who you were with. It's a good followup with the safe calls to let your backup know when the date ends and if you're going home or wherever from there. See above about 'if you go missing.' Because it's a sad fact that there are people out there that use dating sites to find victims, and not all the psychos that do it are male. Or even working alone. And drugs don't care how strong or well trained in self defense you are.

[Jester]

Closeup magic is done with cards and other generally small items, right in front of the spectators, who usually are sitting within a foot or three of the magician, be it at a table in a restaurant, at a bar, or wherever. Stage magic is larger tricks, destined to be seen by more people in a larger venue. Think sawing a woman in half kinda stuff. You can also Google either for a better idea.

Re the safe call, most of it I had an answer to, but in the end, you're right, it's not bad for someone to know where you are, even if, like me, you always have a knife and are not exactly without ability to defend yourself. I was gonna say I always hold on to my drink, but of course, if she buys it, who knows? And someone seeming to be drunk and being carried along by other people would not raise an eyebrow even slightly in this town. And while one can always fake an incoming phone call (many people keep their phone on vibrate, after all), and there are other methods of getting out of a bad date (I once excused myself to the bathroom, and just kept walking, never going back), again, having someone else know what's up is a good thing. I can see it. Of course, one benefit I have is that a lot of bartenders in this town know me.

Which brings up one problem I have with the whole internet dating thing. At least, it's something I perceive as a problem. Between bartending, magic, and just having been here for 16 years, I'm relatively well known down here. Which means many people on the dating website are already going to have some knowledge or perception about me. I'm not worried about people seeing my profile and thinking, "What a dork, he's on a dating website," because anyone seeing it would presumably be also on the site....but the combination of a relatively small population and some amount of notoriety in this town may combine to thin the potential field. Of course, on the upside, new people are always arriving in this town.

Honestly, I just want to move back to Phoenix and start over. Meh.

[dalesys]

... I do ... is an amazing impression of Bob Dylan when I do karaoke...

As The Dillards said, "...laik a dawg with its hind leg stuck in a bob-wahr fence."

[mjr]

Jester:

If I understand right, you're a fairly fit guy, and you like to ride a bicycle. You could mention that you're "active" and "enjoy the outdoors".

I think I'd approach it from an "activities" standpoint to try to develop some "in common" interest. Don't you like to cook, as well? Mention a few of your favorite dishes you like to make.

Mentioning the "close up" magic thing is iffy, to me. You may find women who like it, but you also may find women who think it's ridiculous.

And as far as being on the "dating website", are you against actual matchmaking services? Though I've heard those can be far more expensive than a dating website.

[Jester]

If I understand right, you're a fairly fit guy, and you like to ride a bicycle. You could mention that you're "active" and "enjoy the outdoors".

Lately I've been pretty bad about ignoring my bikes. I need to get back in the saddle, yes, and by the time I get to actually posting an ad, I hope to have done so, so I may mention cycling.....but my problem with the phrase "enjoys the outdoors" is that it often implies a love of camping. Which.....I don't. I'd probably limit it to the specific outdoorsy stuff I like, such as cycling, being out on the water (on someone else's boat, as I am clueless as to the operational side of things there), and more recently, kayaking and paddleboarding. But thanks for helping me narrow that down, actually.

Don't you like to cook, as well? Mention a few of your favorite dishes you like to make.

Yep. Though I don't know that I'd mention specific dishes, as I feel I can cook just about anything. Not bake, mind you....just cook.

Mentioning the "close up" magic thing is iffy, to me. You may find women who like it, but you also may find women who think it's ridiculous.

I have zero intention of mentioning the magic thing, as it can have a polarizing effect, and a lot of people find it odd.

And as far as being on the "dating website", are you against actual matchmaking services? Though I've heard those can be far more expensive than a dating website.

I'm not sure I understand the question. Matchmaking websites? If by those you mean sites that specifically try to find people spouses, while I'm not against them in theory, I don't think that's what I'm looking for personally.

[mjr]

I'm not sure I understand the question. Matchmaking websites? If by those you mean sites that specifically try to find people spouses, while I'm not against them in theory, I don't think that's what I'm looking for personally.

Matchmaking is probably a misnomer. More like a "dating service" (NOT an escort service). That way, you don't have to worry about looking for a spouse.

[Ghel]

I'm not looking to get laid, though I don't object to that. I am looking to find someone I can date, that we can enjoy each other's company, have some mutual interests, make each other laugh, make each other smile, and maybe even make each other crazy. Someone witty and intelligent, but who enjoys life, and is generally positive. Someone who enjoys good food and drink, but isn't getting arrested in drunken brawls. I like a good story, but I don't need undue drama.

Include this, or something similar. Your profile should include what you're looking for. If you're looking for something short-term, that's ok, but the person who reads your profile should be aware of it. I also suggest including things like being polyamorous, if you are, or otherwise looking for an open relationship. Or if you're looking for something exclusive, you might want to mention that.

[Jester]

Matchmaking is probably a misnomer. More like a "dating service" (NOT an escort service). That way, you don't have to worry about looking for a spouse.

I don't think I understand the distinction between a dating service and a dating website.

Include this, or something similar. Your profile should include what you're looking for. If you're looking for something short-term, that's ok, but the person who reads your profile should be aware of it. I also suggest including things like being polyamorous, if you are, or otherwise looking for an open relationship. Or if you're looking for something exclusive, you might want to mention that.

I'm not polyamorous, nor am I looking for an open relationship. I'd like something exclusive, but that's an eventuality, not an immediate thing. I am not going to jump right into a committed relationship most of the time, until it get to know the person. (I say most of the time because I am, after all, the guy that got engaged 10 days after meeting my ex-fiancée.) So initially, it would just be dating, which means until we felt comfortable enough to be exclusive, I might well date others, too.

So, that being said, getting back to what I thought was my original point.....

What would you people say about me? I'm still looking for outside perspectives on myself.

[mjr]

I don't think I understand the distinction between a dating service and a dating website.

A dating website is such that you put up a profile, and others search for it. Aside from their algorithms, you have to do all the work yourself.

A dating service is you give them your information, the type of individual you're looking for, and THEY do the work.

There are even some who will set up the date for you. All you really have to do is show up (and pay for things, obviously).

[Jester]

And how does one know if the website in question is either one or the other?

[Teefies2]

Jester,

From all I know about you, I perceive you as a truly honest person, to a fault ;-) You also enjoy a fun time and are not opposed to drinking (that would be important to me as my ex considered anyone who drank more than one alcoholic drink a YEAR to be an alcoholic). In addition, you support yourself, take pride in your community, own/rent your own home, and love kitties/puppies (okay I don't really know that but LOL). You live in THE best part of Florida, my favorite place to live, even though you have this weird obsession with Arizona

Heck if I was 20 years younger, I'd be chasing you myself!

Hope this helps!

[mjr]

And how does one know if the website in question is either one or the other?

Well, a site like eMelody (you know the one)...is a "dating website".

A dating service usually is a brick-and-mortar place that has an online presence, too. It's verboten to put the name of the actual service I've heard of, but it's VERY close to "Let's have lunch" (PM me and I'll give you the actual name of the place if you want it). You call their number, meet with a consultant, they take your photo (I think), put together a profile, and they match you up with people for dates. They even go so far as to schedule the first date for you.