Question on adopting

[smileyeagle1021]

I'm really kind of doubting we have many experts on the ins and outs of adopting on here (it is a rather niche field), but I'm hoping to at least get some people who have some experience on either side of the fence. And before I start rambling too much more, I probably should just get to my question.
My husband and I (same sex couple, if that makes a difference, it theoretically shouldn't since the OBERGEFELL v. HODGES decision, but I know there is always a difference between theory and reality) really want to in a couple of years begin the process of adopting out of foster care (we aren't currently fostering, but that is something else we are looking into at the same time). The concern I have is that I have what I'm fairly certain is undiagnosed chronic depression, and this potentially is a major problem. I know that not all anti-discrimination laws apply to adoption (especially when it comes to the health of the potential parent) and that a full disclosure of medical history may be required. Which leaves me with a catch 22, if an adoption agency can deny your adoption because of a mental illness diagnoses, I'm put in the no-win situation of either getting the help it seems increasingly likely that I desperately need, but at the cost giving up my dreams of having a family, or keep my dream of having a family, but at the cost of having to live with (and hide) the crippling effects of depression. So, is being diagnosed with a mental disorder like depression really something that is a deal killer, am I really in a catch-22 no-win scenario, or has the profession actually opened up to working with people who are diagnosed and receiving proper treatment?

[mathnerd]

I think the answer is "it depends on what state you live in". I also think it would be wise to schedule a consultation with an adoption attorney.

A bit of a warning: adopting out of the foster care system is fraught with peril. State laws are generally written so that reuniting the original family is the goal, and kids can spend years bouncing between foster homes and their natural parents. States generally also have a priority order for placing kids: family, friends, then strangers. You could be days away from a final adoption hearing when a long lost cousin shows up out of the blue and the state could tank the kid and place him/her with the cousin. Again. This is something worth discussing with a lawyer, so you don't have any surprises when the time comes.

[Jester]

if you are that certain that you have chronic depression, I think you and your husband and your future family would best be served if you got treated for it. I know this is not what you asked, but I look at it this way: as a parent, you're gonna want what is best for the children. And what is best for the children is for their parents to be as healthy as possible, both physically and mentally. I say this as a son of someone who was, as they called it at the time, manic depressive. They call it bipolar these days, but I hate that term, especially because it's used to explain away a million issues that have nothing to do with it. In any case, showing those in charge of adoptions that you are addressing a potential problem like depression is far better than it being discovered down the road and you not treating it.

Good luck, and I hope it all works out in your favor. The world needs more good parents.

[Iolanthe]

As a parent myself, who also suffers from depression and is being treated right now, please go get the help you need. Adding a child to a family if you are already depressed will only make the depression worse and add a lot of stress on yourself and your SO that neither of you should have to deal with during something as stressful as an adoption process. It will probably also look better to the adoption proceedings if you have sought treatment as it acknowledges you have a problem and are trying to fix it. I wish you luck in getting help.

[Yfandes]

+1 on seeking diagnosis / treatment - you would have so much more to offer a child if you were at the top of your mental health, right?

[AnaKhouri]

Not to mention, kids aren't stupid. You might think you're hiding your issues but they are far more observant and sensitive than most people credit them for. And a partner/parent with serious mental issues can tear a family apart.

If you want to adopt, you owe it to the kids to be at your very best. Kids are amazing and wonderful and also stressful as hell. You need to be confident you can handle anything parenthood will bring your way. Can you say that if you have untreated chronic depression?

I agree with the rest- seek help. I seriously doubt it will impact your ability to adopt, and it will look good that you are aware of your own issues and are willing and eager to resolve them for the sake of the children.



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[MoonCat]

It's wonderful that you want to adopt. And great that you want to help out a kid who might really need the help (although heed what Mathnerd says, too). But with all that, I also have to say, please go and get checked out, and treated if need be, for depression. I grew up with an undiagnosed, clinically depressed mom. It was no walk in the park and it got worse as she got older. Please don't accept that possibility, for your sake, your spouse's, and your future kids.

[jedimaster91]

Definitely get checked out. It will likely be better in the long run to be able to say yes you have this issue, but it's being managed and treated. Additionally, foster kids often come with issues of their own. You'll be in a better position to help them if you're not struggling with your own mental health.

Also, be prepared for the long haul. I don't know what things are like in your state (Nevada, right?), but here in the Bluegrass, the adoption process is long, tedious, heart wrenching, and often flies in the face of reason. My good friend is in the process of adopting 4 siblings. And they've been in the process for almost 4 years now. Hearing after hearing would end with scheduling yet another hearing instead of terminating parental rights, even though the bio parents were clearly not the best people to be taking care of their children as both of them are drug addicts in and out of jail with no interest in improving their situation. My friends were worried at the last hearing that the judge would award custody to the biological father (at least we think he's the father) when he suddenly decided he wanted his kids back, even though the only parents the two youngest have ever known are my friend and her husband. The kids were in a loving, stable home and were thriving, but there was a good chance they would have to go back to the sperm donor and an environment not conducive to raising happy, well adjusted children. Fortunately, last I heard, the courts had finally terminated parental rights (or at least scheduled a date to do so) and now my friends can start the actual adoption process. Which I'm sure is going to take at least another year to get all the paperwork submitted and approved, but hey, progress.

So long story short, brace yourself for a lot of joy, but also a lot of heartache.

[BlaqueKatt]

A bit of a warning: adopting out of the foster care system is fraught with peril. State laws are generally written so that reuniting the original family is the goal, and kids can spend years bouncing between foster homes and their natural parents. States generally also have a priority order for placing kids: family, friends, then strangers.

Many states also have huge lists of children that have already had parental rights terminated, my previous state had around 20,000 kids that could be adopted out of the system.

I'm not sure if it would be a barrier or not, as my experience is from within the foster care system and in another state, I can tell you there was an amazing couple of "co-parents" Viki and Lisa of which one did have issues with depression, which is one of the reasons why I was supposed to be sent there*, she knew exactly what I was going through, and even though I wasn't placed with them, she was still more supportive of my borderline abusive foster family(she stood up for me and helped get me out of that one).


*I ended up in a home I ran away from, 6 times in two months.