My friend has issues, the worst luck, but I still 'love' him.

[LillFilly]

It's complicated. We were once coworkers, then friends through his brother though it turned out we'd actually met once years ago. He is younger than me, was in the military in his home country, is handsome with a killer accent and comes off as confident and in conto of his emotions. We were just friends until the carjacking incident when he told me he values me as much more than just a true friend.

But he has demons he won't let me touch. He says he doesn't want go burden others. From what I know he had one fiance who broke his heart and a stream of exes who were either crazy, tried to change or control him, or just wanted him for looks. Sometimes I feel he actively pushes me away to see if I will flake on him like the others. I've told him time and again I'm here no matter what, no matter what he tells me. He has social anxieties, paranoia, and PTSD. He has a master's degree and is a volunteer firefighter. He dreams of owning his own business but money is tight...he simply has bad luck, I don't know what else to think.

He left one job after being sexually harassed; job wouldn't do anything. Next job I helped him get he was let go after an injury on the job, they were supposed to call him when he was scheduled to come back, they never called him (or told him though he called every other day for updates), and then fired him for no call no show. Hes got a good one now but Ill trained weekend office people almost cost him that one after scheduling him for a job they never told him he was signed up for and almost firing him for ncns! Then he had his tires slashed by the current bf of a crazy ex. We went to a bar a few times and I saw him being harassed right in front of me...a woman hung on him in ways that would get a man arrested for doing the same! Recently he had 3 woman catcalljng him in the bar until they were kicked out after innapropriate ly touching him.

Even though I work early I've told him I'm happy to go out with him and he can use me as an excuse to keep the vultures away. In truth I would like to be more than a friend to him. We are really more than friends, but not boyfriend girlfriend; he's told me straight honest he can't deal with a relationship until he gets his head on straight. He is very forthcoming and brutally honest even when you'd rather not hear the truth. He's helped me gain confidence and realize how badly my last relationship treated me; actually saying he is selfishly grateful that my boyfriend broke it off because now he has this beautiful treasure that my ex threw away...daw. I think he might want more but is scared to feel. My ex postures around him like a darned alpha dog and says he thinks my friend is using me...ironically what he did for 8 years do I can tell it's not so. My housemate says my friend has done wonders for my self esteem and I'm almost a different person.

I would do anything for this friend; in fact he is also a Dom and I've actually asked to be his Sub, though I've no experience but I enjoy it and he says I'm a natural. I want to help and protect and be there for him. We've also partnered up for a crafting business, his aunt was involved but flaked out after the first meeting; again my ex says he's just using me....and I do have problems of my own. I am a depressed, suicidal self-harmer. When something when hes upset do am i, on top of my current issues. He does help talk me through them, but some say I shouldn't try to shoulder his issues on top of my own. But I refuse to abandon him, and even if he's having an anti social day I'll at least text him to remind him I'm there to talk. He also has issues with suicide and I hope the focus on the business will help with that. His job is going well but he has to also hunt for a place to rent as his rental I'd bring sold. On top of this and the fact he's down at thanksgiving and Christmas due to an abusive childhood, he just told me he had to file with police on a woman stalking him after telling her he wasn't in wrested at the bar a few nights ago.

She somehow got his full name and his address and has come by the hous; apparently when he wouldn't let her in she threatened to ho harass his parents, somehow shed gotten their address too! He's told me he can handle it and isn't too worried but I am so saddened that shit like this keeps happening to a guy who just wants a peaceful life. He definitely has a charisma that attracts the ladies (and men), no matter the setting or how low key he tries to stay; working construction he's actually had women stop on the road to come give him their phone numbers! He is nothing but polite but it's incredible how some refuse to respect it when he says no; any man doing the same would be charged with harassment, people act like it's not possible for him to be harassed and why else would he go to the bar other than for the attention??? He just wants to get out of the house like anyone else, watch people interact, etc.

I feel terrible I can't do anhing more for him then to just be there, yet hope sticking by him shows how vomited I am to him, yet I wonder if I'm cheating myself and putting myself, mentslly, emotionally. In an unhealthy place. Yet part of me doesn't care because I want him to know that he is loved and cared gor, and helping him keeps me from hurting myself. I wonder what the hell I've gotten myself into...?

[wolfie]

people act like it's not possible for him to be harassed and why else would he go to the bar other than for the attention???

Have a few cold ones while watching a game that's on a cable channel he doesn't get at home? Try out a single malt Scotch that he doesn't want to commit to buying a whole bottle of?

[MoonCat]

OK, I'm no psychologist, so take this with a grain of salt, but: You have issues. He has issues. Two people with these issues can be a bad mix. Some of his issues have two legs and are willing to harass him. It's good that you want to stick by a friend, but you are possibly putting yourself in danger from his exes and stalkers.

I'm not saying you can't ever have a future with this guy, but I am saying that both of you should get whatever help you need for your own issues before making a serious try as a couple. It sounds like he''s holding back due to his own problems. Respect that. Be his friend, yes, but don't ask for more than he is able to give at this time.

And like I said, I'm no expert, this is just me looking at this from the outside. Whatever you decide, good luck and be careful.

[Seshat]

While I agree with Mooncat that two people with issues can be a bad mix ... Toth, Bast and I all have issues. And we work together well.


I'll try to explain the most important things that let the three of us work as a team, and the issues become just a mutual problem, not a set of disasters.

That said: these work for US. They may or may not work for other people. This sounds like a situation where you both need to think hard; and both need to actively make a decision about how close you wish to be with the other.
'Not making a decision' or 'just seeing how it goes' is still a decision, but it's passive. Be active and deliberate.


Okay. I'm not going to call these tips or advice, they're just our techniques.

* Develop methods for making mutual decisions.
Over time, we've learned each other's priorities, and for the most part, any one of us can make a decision that all three can live with. But at first, we'd have arguments over decisions which affected all of us.
What we learned is that each of us had reasons for our preferences; and we learned to explain our reasons, and to listen to each others' reasons.
We also learned to sometimes postpone making a decision until whichever of us was stuck in an issue had worked it out somewhat.

* Own your own emotions and issues. But accept that your family/friends want to help you with them.
Try not to take things out on other people, or blame other people for your problems. But work out ways to help resolve your problems, and graciously accept help when the help will actually be helpful!
As an example, Bast and Toth let me know when I'm expressing anger and not aware of it. And they give me the space I need to resolve the anger, and the time I need to do so, and then - and only then - we return to whatever issue we needed to discuss.

* Forgive mistakes.
We got a financial windfall at one point. We made a group decision about what to do with it. But due to mental illness and - well, other circumstances - a significant amount of the windfall was spent on trivia.
It's fucking annoying. That money could have made so much of a difference. But - well. That particular mental illness can do that, and the other two of us knew the illness was active and didn't take sufficient precautions.


* Apologise. And mean it. And make changes.
I've developed many ways to manage my anger. It's taken me a lot of work, but I've done it.
The member of our group who can't be trusted with money now has a special bank account which gets money transferred into it in small amounts - just what is needed. He/she still makes common financial decisions with the family, it's just - well, it's just like me having the walking frame and the wheelchair. Except this is a support for a mental situation.

* Attempt to correct your own problems. With help, if it suits. But do it.
Bast often reminds me - when I get depressed and sulky with the depression - that I have improved. And that I've improved because of my own efforts, my own work. And that I'm still working on things, every day.
And that does make me easier to live with.
Toth recently did something that scares him - he got dental work done.
Bast also is constantly improving.

* Be gentle with each other.
Toth - thanks to his mother - hates, absolutely hates, having people try to look after his health. Bast and I have made a decision, and we have an agreement with Toth.
He visits our family doctor periodically. He can bring one of us if he wants, or not if he doesn't.
And as long as he and Dr G. both feel that his health is being appropriately managed, Bast and I will keep quiet about it, and make a point of not asking unless he specifically invites questions.
This compromise ensures that Toth's health is managed; but Bast and I don't remind him of his helicopter-parent mother.

* probably all sorts of other things. But this might help. I hope.


Bast just read this post. She says:

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

She also emphasises that it's taken us a long time - fifteen years - to get to the level of mutual comfort with each other that we now have. Obviously we became happy with each other in a lot less time (or we wouldn't have made it to fifteen years), but patience is vital.

Another one from her: listen to what has worked for other people, and analyse it and turn it into something that works for you. If you can. Not all of it will be suitable.

[BlaqueKatt]

Make sure you're not falling into "if I can fix his problems I can ignore mine" or "if I help him he owes me help with mine"

I ignored my problems to try and "fix" my ex, it's not that he wasn't fixable, but he made little effort to do so because I put up with it. It eventually broke me, BADLY. (I had an actual nervous breakdown at work)because my issues were still there and getting worse(and broken me was no longer useful). DON'T BE THAT PERSON! A friend of mine once told me "no one can be everything for anyone", and I didn't heed that. Sometimes you can't be there for someone, and that's ok, and commendable if you can realize when you can't. Felling like you have to be there 24-7 for someone doesn't actually make someone a "good friend" it can make them resentful or a martyr, especially if they neglect themselves for others.


I'd rather be able to give someone 100% 50% of the time, as opposed to 10% 100% of the time, and I'd prefer someone that was the same.

ETA-I'm not saying two people with issues are doomed, as long as both people are getting separate help, in whatever form works is ok, otherwise issues like codependancy can arise. (from what you've written, there are a few of the traits, but that can be normal, as long as you take note and don't let it get out of control)