Faux pas? Or overreacting friend?

[bhskittykatt]

Okay so here's the background info. I have two close friends, who we shall call Friend A and Friend B. Friend A is a total sci-fi and comic book nerd and is off on weekends; Friend B is a drama nerd who is off weekdays. I had one Sunday off, likely the only weekend day off I'd have for a while, and Big SciFi Exhibit in Big City was going on, so it made sense to me to see if Friend A wanted to go. I didn't think to invite Friend B because (a) she was working and (b) while she likes Big SciFi Thing, she doesn't love it like Friend A does.

Follow that? Okay.

So I invited Friend A on Thursday to hang out Sunday, sort of a last-minute thing.

I did hang out with Friend B on Friday and told her I was going to the thing with Friend A. She said she wanted to go. I was surprised she wanted to go as badly as she did. I asked if she was still working Sunday and she said she was. She told me to go have fun at the thing. I told her I'd still be willing to go with her another time if she wanted to go that badly.

So I went with Friend A to Big SciFi Exhibit on Sunday; we had fun, posted lots of pics that ended up on FB, blah blah blah.

Today (Tuesday), I had a 2 hour wait to get a new tire at the tire shop not far from Friend B's place, so I texted her to see what was up. Friend B exploded on me over text about how she wasn't invited to go to Big SciFi Thing and how rude it was to not invite her. I'll give you her exact quotes so you can judge. My thoughts are in italics.

Me: "You working today?"
Friend B: "Why?"
Me: "I am at [Tire Shop] 2 hour wait."
FB: "I cannot just drop what I am doing right now. I hope you'd understand."
Me: "No worries I was just checking."
FB: "We also need to talk about you and [Friend A] going to [SciFi Thing] the other day. But that will have to wait for another time when we're both at leisure."
Me: "Um...okay?"
FB: "Seriously? You have no idea why I'm suggesting this? Okay then..." wow, passive aggressive much?
Me: "Sorry, I am really confused right now."
FB: "I'm talking about the fact that I wasn't included. It didn't even occur to you to ask if I wanted to go with."...because you were working, and when I mentioned it Friday I did ask and you were still working.
Me: "You were working. I am sorry; I didn't think you were available."
FB: "That doesn't matter. You still ask someone even if you know they aren't available so they know you want to include them; it's the socially acceptable thing to do." Really? Because some people would find that rude. Also, why do I have to invite everyone to everything they can't go to? This reasoning does not make sense to me.
FB: "Then just flat out telling me that you and [Friend A] are going...it's not ok. We should've figured out a day we could all go together." Um...with our schedules that isn't going to happen. Plus, I had no idea she was interested. I had shared the SciFi thing on FB and mentioned I wanted to go, and she never gave any indication she was interested in it at all.
FB: "Now I have to go by myself...alone." Or you go with another friend. Or take me up on my prior offer of going with you.
FB: "It's been ruined for me now because you guys plastered the exhibition photos on Facebook." We didn't photograph everything, and the photos I posted are lower quality than what you can find on the local news sites covering SciFi Thing. If photos of a live museum exhibit ruin it for you, you're museuming wrong imho.
FB: "You don't seem to get that what you do and how it affects others and how they feel. That worries me a lot." Why is what I go do on my own time with separate friends your business anyway? Why are you LETTING it affect you?
FB: "Like I said, we should talk about this in person..."
*after a lengthy pause, during which I don't reply because seriously this is nuts to me*
FB: "Also, if you wanted to go with [Friend A] alone, that's all you would've had to say. I would've understood." Do I have to do this anytime I do stuff with other friends that excludes you as well? Am I not allowed to have separate friendships?
FB: "Being honest instead of saying "I didn't know you liked [SciFi Thing]" is what I would've preferred. Come on, how long have we known each other and how much have I posted about [SciFi] related things on Facebook?" Honestly never. I can't think of anytime she's posted about [SciFi Thing] before. We've never talked about [SciFi] thing, at least not at any length.
FB: "[Name of My Ex], [Friend A], and [Friend C] could've told you that." Oh no. We do not name The Ex. We are not friends with The Ex. Dropping The Ex's name was done to intentionally push my buttons, there is no doubt about that (and the divorce is recent enough it still has plenty of sting).

Okay, so if you waded through that, basically Friend B felt left-out and was mad that I didn't invite her, even though she worked that day and I did offer to go with her to the thing another time (the thing will last a few months).

So, did I commit a faux pas by not inviting her? Or is she overreacting?

[KuariKaydrith]

I'd say she is overreacting personally. Especially after she told you to have fun when you went with Friend A. And it's not like you didn't suggest going when FB was available.

[Kittish]

As you mentioned, you DID invite her, which she's conveniently forgotten, possibly so she can justify throwing her little hissy fit at you. She's overreacting, big time. Don't know how close a friend she is, but me, I'd call her out on that crap. If that ended the friendship, well... I hate to lose a friend, but I'd rather not keep a drama llama around.

[JoitheArtist]

Definitely an overreaction. WTF??

[April]

waaay over-reaction. It sounds as if she expects to be included in everything you do, even if she knows she cannot make it. Honestly, I'd probably start ending the friendship. Unless you guys are super close, and this is a one off reaction, I wouldn't find it worth the effort to be her friend if I had to deal with drama when I hung out with someone else.

[Seanette]

If she couldn't go anyway, WTF is her malfunction?

Looks like someone was looking for an excuse for a dramatic hissy.

[MoonCat]

Nope nope nope. It's not you. It's her. Talk about drama! She wanted to "wait until you were at leisure", than proceeded to lecture you on what's "socially acceptable" - which, right there, would have been where I signed off with a "thank you, miss manners, for that enlightening information." You DID ask her, and she WAS working. It makes no sense to me, to ask someone if they want to go somewhere on a day when I know they're working! I would actually be irritated if I was asked to go out somewhere when the person asking already knew I had to work.

You made every effort to include her, within reason. What did she want you to do, beg her to call off work and go with you? Send her a crown for her Drama Queen cosplay, why don't you?

ETA: If my answer seems a little snippy toward your friend, I apologize. I'm dealing with some homegrown drama right now and I am fucking sick of it.

[iradney]

You invited her. She couldn't make it. You posted about wanting to go on FB and she made no mention of "yay, I'd LOVE to go to this!". You also said that you're happy to go with her another time if her schedule allows for it.
Seems like she's a drama llama and it might be time to re-examine why you're friends with someone that would ever so conveniently forget that a) you DID invite her and b) you offered to go WITH HER at another time if she wanted to and c) drops your ex's name to get a rise out of you.

[BearLeeBadenaugh]

Stuff like this pisses me off. Kind of had a similar situation here Monday. Buddy got pissed off because I didn't invite him and his family over for our cookout.

First off, we'd planned things all last minute. Friend and I were talking on FB, discovered neither of our families had plans, so decided we'd cook out the next day. Secondly, my buddy had already stated their plans of cooking out at his mothers. Plans we weren't invited for, mind you.

[Kiwi]

People like friend B are so draining. You do not have to organize your life around their preferences.

I have been cutting people like that out of my life. Emotional vampires are not worth their time.

[dalesys]

Music! Energy Vampires (Christine Lavin & Co.)

[mjr]

bhs...

Your friend is drastically overreacting. You offered, even knowing that your friend had to work. Your friend declined because they had to work.

This leaves you free, in my opinion, to invite someone else.

You can't control the fact that your friend got butthurt over it.

[Marmalady]

How old is this Friend B? Only this sounds like playground stuff.

[Valentinian]

...Soooo basically you were supposed to telepathically divine that your friend wanted to be asked to go, again, in a different way, and that you weren't supposed to enjoy it or discuss it online until after Friend B had gone with you, because only then would it be okay...?

Pfffffffft no! This is sounding a lot like one of my ex-friends - ex for a very long time now, and for good reason - who would say no if you offered her something, and then get offended if you didn't ask her twice more, because it was 'polite' to say no twice before you said yes, and she really meant yes, so I was being mean and greedy by taking the first 'no' as correct and not sharing. And I should know that, because everyone does it that way (not!).

[bhskittykatt]

So I met with Friend B last night. We talked. I apologized again, but I told her I still thought she was overreacting. We hung out, did stuff, called it a night, and I figured we were good (or at least good enough). Among things we discussed were my recent attempts at online dating, since I've reached the point where I'm trying to get into the dating game after my divorce. I mentioned I was going to have a date that day but it fell through (drama for another rant) but that I had another guy lined up for the following day.

Then today, I get this text. I will again include my thoughts in italics.
FB: "Just 3-4 weeks ago you were dissing Internet dating sites as being shady and basically saying it was stupid. I've been using them on and off for a while. Now all of a sudden your friend [Friend D] has had one success with [site] and you're all over it." Not sure when I was calling them shady. Yeah, I've made fun of some of the profiles on there, but who doesn't? Also, I was using these before [Friend D] had her luck, not that it's really important.
FB: "Why do you listen and follow her judgement and not mine? It's kind of hypocritical." Um, I didn't listen to her judgement; I started using these apps on my own because I felt I was ready to start dating...on my own. She has absolutely nothing to do with this. And what, you have dating advice you want to share or something?
FB: "Do you really not give a shit about anything I say or find interesting? You never ask what's new with me. Ever." Except for last night, when we had entire conversations about your life. Like about how you have a job offer down south but it's with a director you don't like so you want to turn it down while keeping yourself open to other jobs with that company. And I gave you advice on how to best accomplish that tactfully. Because I was fucking listening.

My response was simply:
Me: "What...the....hell? What is your problem?"
Because really....what the hell?

Her response:
FB: "I'm sorry that this seems like it's coming out of nowhere. I was thinking about our conversation at dinner last night. I don't feel like you heard anything I said. I'm really wanting you to hear how I feel. I don't feel like you have empathy for me.

Me: "If you are still talking about [SciFi thing], then I still feel you overreacted. Like I said, I'm sorry you felt left out. I wonder, if I went with one of my friends from another circle, like [friend she doesn't know well], would you have felt the same? Or was it just because I went with [Friend A]?"

So I've called her out. No response yet.

She's been my friend since middle school, so I don't want to just walk away from a friendship over something so trivial, at least not at this point. But this stirring up drama nonsense is...nonsense! IDK what is getting into her, but I have s suspicion it's really jealousy about my spending time with Friend A and jealousy over the fact that I was having mediocre success meeting guys online.