My brothers kids - should I throw my 2c in?

[NecessaryCatharsis]

Normally I think it's a bad idea to tell other people what to do with their kids unless they ask you, but if you think they're making a big mistake it's time to speak up. Is this one of those times?

My nephew was born last year, and was with us for four short days before he sadly passed away. My brother and his wife are happily expecting again, and have every hope of having an almost full term healthy baby. They are planning on naming the new child's middle name to be their first sons first name.

I think this is a terrible idea. This new child will be his/her own person, and deserves their own name. This child should not be treated in any way like child 1 version 2, which is what I feel like using his name again equates to.

If I say this to them it's bound to be a fight, they were and are devastated by the death of their son, and are dealing with it as best they can. If I don't say anything I feel I'm doing a great disservice to my new neice/nephew.

[mathnerd]

That's going to be a really touchy subject, which you already know. But there's another way to think about this, which may be closer to their own thought process. People frequently name their kids after beloved, deceased relatives as a way to honor those relatives. They might be wanting to use the name for that reason, and they aren't thinking about the aspect that you are concerned about. I do agree that your concerns are valid. One thing I might suggest is to refer her to an online support group for people who have lost a child. The one I know about that is amazing is called the hummingbird network. If they join a loss group and run the idea by other loss parents, they might take suggestions more easily because those people have experienced the loss of a child as well.

[bhskittykatt]

People frequently name their kids after beloved, deceased relatives as a way to honor those relatives. They might be wanting to use the name for that reason, and they aren't thinking about the aspect that you are concerned about.

That's what I would assume their thought process is, based on what you posted. Of course, you know them better than I do. I think mathnerd's advice of a support group is warranted if you're that deeply concerned.

[mathnerd]

That's what I would assume their thought process is, based on what you posted. Of course, you know them better than I do. I think mathnerd's advice of a support group is warranted if you're that deeply concerned.

My thoughts went there, by the way, because as a loss mom myself (lost a set of twins and a singleton shortly before they were viable for life outside the womb, and came close with my youngest, who was born at 24 weeks), I know first hand how difficult this particular sort of loss can be. For me, and for so many other loss moms I know, the fears and emotions that surround the pregnancy and birth of another child after a loss can be overwhelming. Even if the name issue never comes up, a support group for loss moms and dads might be beneficial.

[Becks]

Well, I, for one, LOVE their plan.

[Ree]

I understand your concerns, but I think their idea is to honour and remember their lost child, as mathnerd has mentioned.
It's similar to naming them after a beloved aunt or uncle, or grandparent, or even one of the parents.
Also, it's the child's middle name, and not the one that they will use every day, so it doesn't appear to me as if they are trying to replace that child with another.

I have been fortunate enough not to have had to deal with that kind of loss, but I have come across many grieving parents in the course of my own grief counselling. I have listened and supported them in their grief, so I do have some very small understanding of the loss of a child. It's difficult to gauge in this case, not actually knowing the people involved, but you have posted it as seeking advice, so I will give my opinion on it as I see it.

Using the same name as a middle name doesn't seem all that harmful to me. People grieve and deal with loss in many ways, and I think this is just their way of dealing with it. We may not get it, or necessarily approve, but we don't really have a right to step in and tell them how to grieve unless it is really damaging in some way.

Now, if the parents' behaviour toward this new child shows in any way that they are treating it as child 1 version2, then it would be the time to step in and perhaps suggest they need some kind of support or counselling, but I think the middle name thing is harmless.

I think the key is being supportive and letting the child know through your own actions and support, that they are loved in their own way and they are their own person, and are not a replacement for the first child.

[Cia]

Reuse of names of dead family members is not unusual. I've seen it in my own genealogy. Reusing the name doesn't mean the kid will be treated as a ghost of the previous one. It's a way for your brother to honor the child they lost.

[NecessaryCatharsis]

Just a quick update. My niece was born November 7 at 1:30 am, at 5lbs 2oz. She and the whole family are doing well, there was some initial medical complications, but everything is wonderful now, and there is no reason to suspect any long term medical issues.

Thank you all for the time and thought you took to answer. Since there was no clear consensus for me to mention the name issue I decided not to, and will continue to let them parent as they see fit unless I feel something dangerous is happening.

[Pixelated]

Also, it's the child's middle name, and not the one that they will use every day, so it doesn't appear to me as if they are trying to replace that child with another.

My first thought as well. If it were the child's first name, I might find it more worrisome, for exactly the reasons you mention ("Child 1, Version 2") but as it's the middle name, I think the explanation of using the name to "honour" the first child is more likely.

Just my 2 Knuts.

[Deserted]

My mother was named after her aunt who died at age 2. She hated it, and disliked the idea of anyone being named after anyone else in the family... but I have the same middle name as my father, which is a variation of my grandfather's first name.