How can I help my friend?

[Eireann]

A good friend of mine posted on Facebook a few days ago about something that happened in her family. I was shocked to see that her younger son had died. No cause of death was listed, and when I Googled his name, I found a death notice in the local paper, but that was it. No articles about him dying in, say, a car crash.

So I strongly suspect it was drug-related. He had a long history of substance abuse (and his father is an alcoholic). So, assuming I'm correct, that leaves two options: Accidental overdose, or deliberate overdose.

My friend is, by far, the sweetest person I have ever met. She's incredibly talented (she's also the most talented person I've ever met), and she loves being with people. I've been to many potlucks at her house, and it was filled with her artwork. I remember her sons being there, too. Her husband faded out of the picture sometime after I met her, and she remarried several years later. I'm not at all surprised that she remarried, because any man who can appreciate her worth would want to marry her.

And now this. As I said before, I remember her sons. I hadn't seen this one in some time, and I had heard of his struggles with addiction from my friend. I've posted on her Facebook page and sent her some messages. I don't want to overload her, because I know other people are sending their condolences too.

I remember those horribly days after my mother went, and I was all alone here, no family anywhere nearby. I don't want that to happen to her. I know, logically, that it won't; she has her husband, her other son and his wife, and all the friends she has in the area. I want to do something for her, and the only thing that would make it all right would be to turn back time.

I know far more than I ever intended, or wanted to, about death. I know the sneakiness of grief. I know the emptiness. I know the despair in the middle of the night. I wish I could somehow free her of that, because she doesn't deserve it.

What do I say to her? I'm going to write her a letter - a real, paper letter in an envelope - and send it to her when I get my thoughts in order.

What do I say?

[Kittish]

I can tell you a couple of things not to say. Avoid phrases like "I know how you must be feeling" and any comparisons of her situation with things you've been through yourself. People use phrases like this meaning well, but they often come across as though the speaker were trying to downplay the recipient's emotions. Instead, try "I can only imagine how you must be feeling. I'm so sad you're having to go through this." If actual visits are possible, let her know that you're entirely willing to do so, whether she wants to talk, or cry, or just sit quietly.

[Crai]

Beyond what Kittish said i would also Avoid any prying questions / statements to the cause of death. Just be heartfelt and let your friend know you are there if they need support or want to talk.

[Kristev]

Maybe you could just offer to let her talk, unfiltered, while you do nothing but listen.