Undecided

[HotelMinion]

Disclaimer: some mention of abuse, if you don't like reading it, I suggest you move on.

To go or not to go...that's the question.
Ok, so. I've been invited to some sports game by my family. Tickets cost hundred of dollars (apparently it's some big game) which I'd have to pay of course. My family, especially my dad and brother, are big fan of this game. Actually, calling my dad a big fan of this sport is a big understatement. Whenever this game is being played, he doesn't care what he's doing at the time, he'll drop everything and watch it. And then he was one of those crazy sports parents that push his kids into playing this sport. From age 4 to 15 I was forced to go to practices. Everyday he made me train, rain or shine or snow. If I complained or collapsed, I would being called all kinds of nasty names and beat up. Surprisingly, I grew up hating this sport. I hold a lot of resentment towards him cause of his treatment of me, among other things. Dad doesn't think there was anything wrong of it, though. It was all just fun and games! He was only sharing his love of the sport with his kids. What's wrong?
>.>
When brother found out, he was horrified that dad abused his sisters. As the pampered prince, he played but was never treated like we were. But after thinking about it, he figures that I'm just exaggerating, and playing sports is fun, and I should just get over my resentment. And just go. My older sis, who was also abused, agrees. She loves the game, though not as much as Dad. Idk anyone who likes it as much as him. Even those who earn gazillions playing it.
While I agree that I should just get over it, as being hateful towards your dad is tiresome, my childhood refuses to comply. I know that brother will be happy if I go, since he's always crying that we never do any family things anymore. Which is also true. And I don't hate the sport itself, I just hate playing it. Watching it is boring but..sometimes it's exciting.
So should I go? I really don't want to, but if it help me move on...

[Seanette]

So, let's see if I have this clear. You're being bullied into spending hundreds of dollars to go to an event you don't want to go to, with people you're apparently not that nuts about spending time with, which carries horrible memories of abuse for you.

Is there ANY positive for you in going to this?

[Kittish]

What Seanette said. If you don't want to go, then don't go. Invite your family out to a nice dinner somewhere for spending time together, if you really want to do that.

[MoonCat]

Um, let's see, how to put this....??

HELL, NO!

You were outright abused over a stupid fucking SPORT. Your dad tried to relive his own sports fantasies through you, that's why he made it into such a big priority and that's why he beat you when you didn't perform according to his fantasies. He was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG to do this.

How your sis deals with her past is her business. You have every right to say no to this, and if your dad makes a fuss about it, you have every right to cut ties with him if that makes you feel better. If you think being mad at your dad is tiresome, imagine having to deal with these same feelings over and over, every time he tries to force you -- once again! -- to do something you don't want to do. And he wants you to pay for it, too! Nice touch dad!

TL;DR. In my opinion, you should not go if you don't want to. Adults get to make those decisions. Do what YOU want, not what an abusive parent thinks you should do.

[mathnerd]

Gee sorry Dad, Bro, Sis. I have to wash my hair that afternoon. Can't go. Look, the cat's on fire, can't keep talking.

Seriously, why are you even considering spending hundreds of dollars you likely can't afford to spend to watch a sport you really don't like and brings back bad memories, with people you really don't want to spend time with?

[Kristev]

These people abused you and belittled you when you told them about it, and yet they expect you to shell out buckets of money just to go to a game with them? A game you don't even like?

There's nothing remotely close to healing here. Tell them to stuff it.

[csquared]

If someone was to pay your way, then maybe. But to shell out that kind of money to go do something you don't enjoy? Yeah, right. Not happening.

[HotelMinion]

Yeah that's what I thought would be the answer. I just thought that if Sis could overcome it then so could I. TBH, while I was typing my first post I got all choked up but afterwards, I felt a little silly for holding on to it for so long. But IDK, I just needed to vent. Anyway, I'm in my 30s, shouldn't I be over it by now? I know that my late Mom would have want me to go...but at the same time she would've understood why not...
They have a way of getting to me like no one else I guess.

[Seanette]

I don't care what your gene pool says, it's totally OK to take care of YOU. They sure aren't doing much on that front.

Don't you have happier or more productive uses for that time and money, anyway? I say give yourself the love and caring you're not getting from these specimens you share DNA with. I really can't bring myself to call them "family", since that word implies people who actually give a damn about your well-being and happiness.

[Antisocial_Worker]

Two questions to ask yourself:

1. Do you want to pay hundreds of dollars to attend this event?
2. Do you want to attend this event at all?

If the answer to either of these questions is no, then say as much. If your family puts up a fuss, say the following: "The tree from which I harvest my fucks stands barren and shall bear no more fruit." Basically here, what you're being asked to do is to spend money you don't have to watch people you don't know play a game you don't care about with people you don't like. Explain how that would be, in any way, a fair deal to you.

[Valentinian]

Anyway, I'm in my 30s, shouldn't I be over it by now?

Trauma does not heal according to a timetable. There is no 'should' about this, and anybody who tries to tell you you're taking too long to recover from eleven years of emotional and physical abuse (!!!) can go [expletives redacted] themselves.

Yes, even if the same thing happened to them. Yes, even if they're 'over it'. You don't have to get over this just because someone else is mildly inconvenienced. In fact, you don't have to get over this ever, and even if you were over it, you would still have the right to decide that this sport is not your thing and not go!

[taxguykarl]

Agreed with the others, politely decline. No defense of your decision needed.

[yeahwhatev]

Things I see:

A)You want to spend time with your family.
B)You like to be included at important family events.
C)You have not resolved the issues you have about the abuse (mental/physical) but have attempted to speak to the entire family about it.
D)You have issues with your brother.

You will never come to terms with the problems you are having until you close the issue with your father. You need counseling or some sort of closure. IANAD. My opinions come from being around people with difficulties ranging up to and including Bi-polar disorder and mental breakdowns. The best way to confront lifelong difficulties is in a controlled, professional environment. The least you need to do is continue to communicate when things hurt you, why, and do so without giving in to negative emotions/bad habits.

Keep involved. You want to be part of this, BE PART OF IT!

A simple trade off might be a good way to handle the situation. "Hey, thanks for the invite. I just do not feel comfortable at these type of events because Dad made it into a negative experience. How about you guys meet me at "Neutral place" after the game? I got the (Pizza/ Nachos/First round etc)"

You would not be posting here if you were completely disinterested. If told no, offer another alternative. You do not HAVE to do something that day, or remotely related to that event. It *IS* a good chance to offer something the family could do together. Bowling? Movie night? Dinner?

Keep positive and keep moving forward.

[MoonCat]

As for "getting over it" there is no SHOULD. Every person deals with their own bad stuff in their own way. I have baggage. My sisters have baggage. We share some of it, we each have some unique stuff. None of us uses the exact same coping/dealing with it method.

You are a worthwhile person in your own right, and your feelings are your own, and they are valid. If you decide you do want to go to this event, go. But it didn't sound like it, in your OP. We're saying, don't go because someone else wants you to or thinks you should. Especially when those people are not acknowledging the pain they caused you.

Maybe think about counseling to help you decide where your boundaries are and how to defend them from people who won't respect them otherwise? Because you know what the worst thing about abusive people is? It's when they try to tell the people they hurt that (a) it never happened and/or (b) it doesn't count, doesn't matter.

It happened. It matters. YOUR LIFE IS YOUR OWN. You decide how to go on from here.

[RootedPhoenix]

Recovery has no timetable.

*offers many hugs and/or cookies* <3