how to make well meaning but pushy friend to back off?

[HotelMinion]

How do you tell your criticizing friends to politely eff the eff off?
Lately, they've been on me about my wardrobe. We go out on the weekends just to walk around the mall and window shop, or go to a movie. I like to go in my sweats and shirt and plain old jacket. They think that I should, and quote "Dress more like a fashionable woman, not someone who's given up.". I'm guessing that means I should wear skirts, lacy blouses and skin tight clothes I see other women in? No thanks! I'm forced to wear a stuffy suit for work. Why should I have to wear that if I don't want to wear that?!?!?! I'm a grown woman, I should wear what I want when I want!!!
Then they go on about my job. They think that I should get a better job during the day rather at night because all the criminals rob or hit up place at night. Thanks for reminding me of that!! *eyeroll* I can't do my job properly if I'm scared to death!! THey think I should get a real job instead of a dead end one. Thanks for that reminder too! Anything else you want me to stress more about?
When I tell them that I'm not going to get a new job, they get all huffy and argue with me even more! SO how to make them back off for good? They mean well, I know, but they're just make me feel worse about myself!!!

[April]

Here's what I think about those sort of situations. If they are good enough friends to be able to tell you those sort of things, then they are good enough friends for you to pull aside and flat out tell them "I know you care, however I'm tired of being spoken to about my clothing and my work, and I don't want to hear about it anymore. I don't enjoy spending time with you when you speak to my like that and argue with me about my choices"

And then you have to stick to it. If it starts up again, remind them once that this is off of the discussion table. if it keeps going, excuse yourself and leave. You have to set boundaries.

[MoonCat]

What April said.

Frankly there is a line between "means well" and "wants to control you," and they may have crossed it. I have dealt with this at work with co-workers who think they know better than I do about how to live MY life.

If they won't back off or STFU you may need to spend less time with them, because friends aren't supposed to constantly stress you out.

[EricKei]

They want you to "get a better job?" Okay. Turn to them and say, "I'd love to! When do I start at your place? I'm gonna need at least a 20% raise while we're at it, as long as you're offering me the job." If that doesn't shut them up, they don't really care enough about your job to have any business giving you any shit about it.

As for your clothing...? Days off are for loafing and wearing what you want. If they don't wanna be seen with you because of something superficial like that, they care more about "being seen" with your CLOTHES than actually hanging out with you.

[mjr]

One thing I got out of a relationship with an ex girlfriend was the phrase:

"You don't feed me, f**k me, or finance me, so you can shut the f**k up."

But I agree with what was previously said. Why does your friend care so much if you wear sweats and a t-shirt to a movie? You wear what's comfortable.

As to your job, I know your job can be frustrating from time to time, and you deal with your share of crazies, but if you like the job, why is it your friend's concern where you work?

[Becks]

Aside from what everyone else has said, you DO have a real job.

Tell them that.

[csquared]

I'll be the one that challenges what everyone else said.

You don't need a better job. You need better friends.

[Kit-Ginevra]

As long as your clothes are clean and tidy and you don't actually look like someone put a scarecrow on a pair of legs or are needing to have a body sprayer accompany you wherever you go,then it's your choice.You can wear whatever fashion you like.










although if you insist on wearing a tank top,we will laugh at you and tell you it's not 1973 any more .

[iradney]

Your job pays you real money, erego it's a real job. Next time they bring it up, look surprised and say "But hang on, my job pays me in legal tender. Doesn't that make it real??". As for your clothes, I would honestly just say "I wear what I like. Shut up"

It grates me that people who are so rude expect to be treated politely.

[HotelMinion]

Here's what I think about those sort of situations. If they are good enough friends to be able to tell you those sort of things, then they are good enough friends for you to pull aside and flat out tell them "I know you care, however I'm tired of being spoken to about my clothing and my work, and I don't want to hear about it anymore. I don't enjoy spending time with you when you speak to my like that and argue with me about my choices"

And then you have to stick to it. If it starts up again, remind them once that this is off of the discussion table. if it keeps going, excuse yourself and leave. You have to set boundaries.

Yah, I tried telling them that and they always act like I'm being bitchy. So I trying to avoid them as much as possible because I'm sick of hearing their criticisms. Though I guess it is partly my fault about how horrible my job is because I always vent at them about it. Anyway, at least my vent made me feel a bit better so...

As long as your clothes are clean and tidy and you don't actually look like someone put a scarecrow on a pair of legs or are needing to have a body sprayer accompany you wherever you go,then it's your choice.You can wear whatever fashion you like.










although if you insist on wearing a tank top,we will laugh at you and tell you it's not 1973 any more .

Yeah My clothing to relax is clean but not very tidy. I have long hair and I shed a lot, and I don't iron my t shirts or sweats so they have some wrinkles. Plus, I paint in them so they have some faded stains that don't come out.
Still I'm not going to a ball so who cares? Why should I care about people who dress up think? Nothing's wrong with dressing up, but if you want to be comfy, then you should!

[notalwaysright]

Yah, I tried telling them that and they always act like I'm being bitchy. So I trying to avoid them as much as possible because I'm sick of hearing their criticisms. Though I guess it is partly my fault about how horrible my job is because I always vent at them about it. Anyway, at least my vent made me feel a bit better so...

First off, friends are supposed to be there to vent to, and not get all judgy about your job. Second, I've had "friends" in the past who wanted to change my appearance... They are not my friends anymore. They would say "we should give you a makeover!" and be baffled that I was completely uninterested. Don't even get me started on how much they hated that I've never had my ears pierced. I love my un-pierced ears. Anyway, we didn't get into any giant fights, we just slowly stopped hanging out, and I have never missed them even a little.

[Kristev]

I don't think these people are friends to you. Not if they're unsupportive. Friends should grouse about major mistakes, sure, but not unimportant choices like your clothes.

[Pixelated]

Yah, I tried telling them that and they always act like I'm being bitchy.

So basically ... they can hand it out but not take it. I tend to agree with csquared: you might want to find some better friends.

[ApolloSZ]

There is a joke about good friends vs best friends. Good friends will bail you out of jail, best friends will be sitting next to you going "Dam that was fun".

Ignoring the best friend half, would they even sit under 'good friends'?

Alternately, "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind". I love being in jeans and a t-shirt, and being comfy. If I go out, its tidy (as in not holed, ripped etc) jeans and a tee, otherwise at home who the f*ck cares. My friends? Good and best, accept that. They know if situation demands it, I'll tidy the hell up. Otherwise expect me in blue jeans and some Fallout related shirt. Hell, even my hypothetical girlfriend would be out the door if she started treating me like a fashion accessory (thankfully none ever have).
So basically I'm in the same camp as csquared and Pixel, I'm not sure they are the hang out very often friends if they are on your case all the time. Odd catchup, maybe.

[Kittish]

If she won't back off when asked or told to, and tries to make it about *you* being bitchy when you enforce your boundaries, she's not well-meaning and not a friend. I'd stop hanging out with her if I were in your shoes.