Explaining death to a special needs child? Insight please...

[mjr]

Trying to figure out how to broach this subject with my son. He's 11, and as some of you know, he's also special needs (Asperger's/HFA).

So the situation I'm in is as follows: My MIL (my wife's mother) is in a "memory care" facility, and according to her caretaker, is deteriorating. We've been told that she may have around six months left on this earth.

My wife's brother has much more information than we do, so we honestly don't even know the name/location of the facility MIL is in, right now. We're waiting on my wife's brother to tell us. He's planning on making the trip here, so we can set up a visit. I was talking about this with my wife the other day, and we're not even sure how lucid MIL is going to be, or if she'll even know who we are.

Anyway, when MIL passes on, we're going to have to have some way to explain this to our son. We really don't know where/how to start.

We haven't really broached religion with our son, though I am Christian (wife is not). We haven't discussed afterlife or anything like that, either.

So we're trying to figure out what we may eventually have to say to him. I don't know how he'll handle it, and I don't think he was very close to her.

So does anyone have any insight or thoughts on this?

[dalesys]

This song may give you some ideas: Spacesuits - David Roth

(PS: That's not David Lee Roth. The song has also been covered by Peter, Paul & Mary)

[mjr]

This song may give you some ideas: Spacesuits - David Roth

(PS: That's not David Lee Roth. The song has also been covered by Peter, Paul & Mary)

Man, that's actually a thoughtful, poignant, and very beautiful song...

[dalesys]

Man, that's actually a thoughtful, poignant, and very beautiful song...

David does a lot of those.
I play this one at friend and family get-togethers: "May the Light of Love"

[mjr]

That first one choked me up a little...not sure I can handle another right now...

Might start getting into Kenny Rogers' "The Greatest" territory...that song gets me, too...

[Deserted]

Might I suggest watching the Sesame Street episode that dealt with Mr. Hooper's death? It might help you understand what kids need to know. Here's a relevant Youtube search and here's the Wikipedia article.

One important thing they did is they never used euphemisms like "gone", "passed on", "lost", etc. They said "dead", "died", etc. The reason is, using such things with little kids (and those with reduced mental capabilities, and please don't take that wrong; my ex's son is in the same boat) suggests that the dead person might return, as if being dead is just like taking a nap or going to the store.

FWIW, my ex's son, also Asperger's/HFA, had no trouble understanding when his great-grandfather died recently... but he's also a few years older than your son.

[mjr]

Might I suggest watching the Sesame Street episode that dealt with Mr. Hooper's death? It might help you understand what kids need to know. Here's a relevant Youtube search and here's the Wikipedia article.

Hmmm...I hadn't considered that, Deserted. I've never actually seen that episode. Might have to check it out...

[paperfiend]

My 6 year old is Aspergers's/HFA (I know that in itself is a wide spectrum, so filter my experience through what you know about your own son).

When kiddo was 4 1/2, my husbands grandma (kiddo's great-grandma) died. He knew her a little because we visited and stayed in her house once a year for family reunions, but she lived a couple states away. When she died, we told him that Great Grandma's body was old and worn out, and that her body had stopped working and died. We emphasized that this is a normal thing that happens when people get really old (she was in her 80's so we could use that approach).

He took this in and didn't seem too upset, and we've since visited the house (which stayed in the family) without her there. He gets that it's Great Grandma's house but that she isn't there any more because she died.

We are somewhat religious so we did talk about her going to heaven, but I think the matter-of-fact approach to bodies dying helped. (We always say "her body died" rather than "Great Grandma died" which reflects our views but also keeps the emotional response a little more clinical, since kiddo is super into science facts but shies away from things that cause BIG FEELS).

[NecessaryCatharsis]

For kids in general, there is a great story, the water bugs and the fireflies. I've gone to that one a few times for mine, his dad died when he was 17 months and obviously didn't understand. Throughout his childhood there has been times when the questions start (why will he not come back and see us, where has he gone? etc) and that story is great for opening up the discussion, allowing some hope that death is not nothing but gloom, while not allowing hope that the deceased will come back. The tattoo I got in memory of my husband is actually a dragonfly, mostly because of that story. I'm not familiar with what special needs your child would have, but it's pretty good for a variety of child stages.

https://www.amazon.ca/s/?ie=UTF8&key...sl_6hnq6zdiv_b

[Deserted]

Hmmm...I hadn't considered that, Deserted. I've never actually seen that episode. Might have to check it out...

Bear in mind that the target audience is basically preschoolers. (Big Bird is written as a 6-year-old.)

Another important thing to consider is, for many kids, the experience of a loved one dying can induce feelings of abandonment. Your son may need to be told that someone will always care for him, regardless of what happens, but also that, as paperfiend said, death is normal. (I like the part about saying "her body died", too.)

[greek_jester]

One important thing they did is they never used euphemisms like "gone", "passed on", "lost", etc. They said "dead", "died", etc. The reason is, using such things with little kids (and those with reduced mental capabilities, and please don't take that wrong; my ex's son is in the same boat) suggests that the dead person might return, as if being dead is just like taking a nap or going to the store.

For what it's worth, the "don't use anything except dead/died/etc." seems to be professional advice.

There's a series on BBC's morning program at the moment about shining a light on cancer, and as part of it they interviewed a mother who's terminal this morning. One of the things she's been trying to do is prepare her kids, and the advice of the child psychologist was 1) don't use euphemisms like "going to sleep" or "gone away" as it builds in the expectation that either the dead person will come back, or that going to sleep/going away is dangerous and every time a loved one does it then the child may lose them. Also 2) make sure the child is constantly reassured about the fact that someone will take care of them once this person has died; if possible let them know the plan for if it happens (not so relevant in your case, but your son may start to worry about it once the idea of "people die, it's natural" sinks in).

Given that your son is on the autistic spectrum, hard facts may be easier to deal with than fluffy feelings. Of course you know your son better than us, so you'd have a better understanding of how much he can handle.

[BlaqueKatt]

there's now many books for explaining death to children available on amazon, I'd suggest seeing if you have a local hospice center that might have recommendations, they are the defacto experts in the subject matter.