Don't know what to do anymore.

[Food Lady]

Before I put this down, I can't move out right now. I lost my second job last year because it was out of business and Covid made it seem the right decision to work my one job from home. I had a savings. It's running out. I'm working from home today and dealing with unnecessary drama. Here is the email I sent to my friend:

G--
I am in the middle of the day and having to deal with my brother
schooling me about my feelings. I was doing well, getting a lot done
because I finally got enough sleep and this is about to ruin my
productivity.

I'm having an issue where I need to get in the kitchen at certain
times (break or whatever) and it just annoys me that they two of them
are in there so often, especially when it takes apparently an hour and
a half to make dinner or Mom needs to bake something or whatever.
Should I feel annoyed? No. But I do; I have limited time while I'm
working. Half the time I barely get a chance to eat during the day.
Today I'm hungry and it's distracting. And now this is taking up time.

I just went in with the two of them there and Mom mentioned a trip up north [my suggestion]. She didn't initally ask a question; she just mentioned
it. I said "OK," as I really didn't have much to say. She asked when
I was free and I said "Thursday and Friday" which to anyone should
indicate this week. I don't remember what exact question she asked to
clarify, but I answered with a definite edge in my voice, "This week."
I was just already feeling frustrated and it could've been about the
kitchen, could've been about work, could've been about anything. It
doesn't justify it, but I didn't think I had to answer Brother's "What do
you have an attitude about?!?" He's not my parent and I won't be
roped into an argument with him over my relationship with my mom so I
said absolutely nothing which ticks him off because he thinks he
deserves an answer. He's that prideful. So he said "No answer. Well
that's great" or something sarcastic like that. Then he continued on
scolding me, his grown adult sister with something like "Your mother
asks you a question and you get mad at YOUR MOTHER" or some such. I
just walked away and we crossed paths and he put his arm out and said
"Go ahead, QUEEN."

Look, if I were Queen, I wouldn't be living with my family. I gave up
my Queendom, if you will, to help my mom. Should I have had that edge
in my voice? No. Should I have even gone into the kitchen? No.
Further, if Mom has a problem with me, she needs to say something to
me, not my brother. He's not my parent. I don't actually have to
answer to him for anything. He's also a hypocrite because he's jumped
down my throat for totally innocuous things. He's allowed to feel
negative feelings but I'm not. He's allowed to jump on me but I'm not
allowed to jump on my mom. (I'm not, but I'm talking about the
hypocrisy.)

The whole reason I said nothing when I went into the kitchen in the
first place was that I knew I was annoyed and I'm not allowed to have
those feelings. So when asked a question I really didn't want to
answer. I don't know how to handle that; it got me into trouble at
work before. I try to just be silent most of the time I'm home
because there's a lot that annoys me and apparently I'm not allowed to
feel that even though he's chastised me for not being vocal about it.
That would be that when I am, he jumps down my throat. I have at
times asked if something could be done a different way--being open
about what I don't like--and gotten yelled at.

I think my fault in this is that I knew I wasn't able to talk to
anyone and I should've just stayed in my room. Now I'm going to have
to deal with his seething anger below the surface and yes, I'll talk
to my mom later when he's not around. I will tell her that all of our
kitchen timing is not good. She doesn't know how I feel about that.
If I were in the office I would've made all my food and taken it with
me and this wouldn't be a problem. It's crazy to me, though, that in
that big kitchen this is an issue. It's the one thing that's a
problem, mostly when he's home.

And yes, I think he's abusive. It may have been a mistake to move but
Mom needs our rent so I feel stuck. I guess I have to hunker down
like Grandma did and carefully measure my words forever because I'm
not allowed to have feelings. Grandma wasn't.

I will say here that no, my feelings don't allow me to jump on someone else and I recognize that. I will respond to correction. What I hate is when someone refuses to tell me I've offended them and cuts me out of their life or when they jump on my like this. The last time someone did this to me--for something I'd done that did need to be corrected--he was fired.

[Kristev]

Just leave if you can. Forget about your mother and your brother. This is too toxic. Do what's best for you. Loyalty to the blood is how a lot of people stay trapped in poisonous family dynamics.

Your head won't be clear to deal with your job problem if your energy is totally drained by having to stifle yourself. I'm not saying let it go like Indina Menzel. That wouldn't be good. But keeping things bottled up sooner or later backfires badly. Find your own place again. That's my advice.

[Pixelated]

Just leave if you can. Forget about your mother and your brother. This is too toxic. Do what's best for you. Loyalty to the blood is how a lot of people stay trapped in poisonous family dynamics.

Your head won't be clear to deal with your job problem if your energy is totally drained by having to stifle yourself. I'm not saying let it go like Indina Menzel. That wouldn't be good. But keeping things bottled up sooner or later backfires badly. Find your own place again. That's my advice.

I second this. I know you say you can't leave, but if you keep on keeping things to yourself and living with the idea that you "can't have" certain feelings (all of which are justified), you will either undermine your health in a big way or blow a gasket ... or both. You need to take care of yourself FIRST. You don't owe help to people who treat you like this. Your brother has no intentions of treating you decently (since there are no consequences when he does) and your mother, for whatever reason, will not step in. You will continue to fight this on your own. Even if you can find a room somewhere it will probably be better than this.

[Food Lady]

So tonight Mom tells me she had me move in to help with my finances (which it does) and not to help her with the bills, even though she has said several times that without our rent, she couldn't make the bills. Well fine; I guess I should've stayed where I was. I have just looked at rents and I cannot move out, not even with two jobs.