How do I keep from letting it bring me down?

[Food Lady]

Found this meme today after posting and I feel like maybe it's what I'm looking for. This little fit lasted 10 seconds tops.

I’m annoyed at the insinuation that I have taken over too much space in this house even though it will belong to both my brother and I when Mom dies. I don’t like living with people, either, but Mom moved halfway across the country to live out her final years near us and she can’t do all the utilities and insurance and property tax by herself. I moved in to help her, though she thinks I did it for me. “I don’t mind you living here….” hurts; I gave up my own place for her. Bro moved in because he broke up with Ex Girlfriend and needed a place to live.


His entitlement, I imagine (maybe I’m wrong) has fueled him to have literally half the basement for a playroom. One quarter is Mom’s sewing–fine. The rest is my stuff shoved along a wall. I don’t want the basement but he should realize his privilege. In addition, the two of them do allllll kinds of things to the house without consulting or even telling me. I feel like a guest in my own home. Most of the kitchen is their food, really no room for mine. In fact, Bro complained angrily he had to keep his beverages warm in his room because we filled up the drink shelf. So we moved Mom’s drink dispenser out to the counter (warm water, yay) so he could have room. We fixed it and a year later he STILL complained. I can hardly fit anything in the freezer; I just make do. I park half on the grass so they have room on the driveway. As far as the bathroom, Bro and I each have half the undersink cabinet, half the shower caddy, and one personal shelf in the closet. Admittedly I have the drawers because feminine products. I keep a LOT of stuff in my closet now that would be in the bathroom, and out of deference to him. So this is the complaint today:


Mom brought home CV-19 tests I wasn’t interested in and asked if I wanted them in Bro’s/my bathroom. I didn’t. The last time we had any he put them on his shelf. He took them this time and I mentioned there is that first aid shelf (for everyone but he acts like it’s mine just because I bought most of the stuff–I do share). He didn’t even acknowledge but instead said “Well, I’ve only got one shelf in there but eff it; I’ll put it there!” Major attitude.

1. I just said there’s a first aid shelf.
2. I moved in first but when you did, I felt like I should make more room and I did. I even spent my money on a new shower caddy and suction holders. No thank you, no acknowledgement.
3. You’re the one who wants the tests in there. Yet you’re complaining about where they go.
4. Stop acting like I’m encroaching on your house. You’ve taken control of really the fate of it: fixtures, etc. If I buy out your half, I’m stuck with whatever you did to it, whether I like that or not. I won’t be able to afford to change it and you’ll make out with money while I’ll have to pay a loan. Seriously, STOP WHINING.

So here I am annoyed enough to post all this and I already had a headache. I can't talk to him about this stuff. He's not constructive. He never says things like "Hey, do you think I could have another shelf?" So I have to figure out how to let it roll off me because I know he's trying to get at me, covertly accuse me of taking over everything (total projection), get my goat without working toward a solution. And he's like night and day--so amiable last night and today this passive aggressive dig.

I need to be the bigger person. How?

[Kristev]

These two deserve each other. I think you should leave if you can afford it at all. They don't want you there, and won't until they realize you're what's keeping the house running.

[csquared]

You know what the problem is.
You know what the solution is.
And you know that it is easier said than done.

You'll find a lot of benefit if you can change the way you respond to his actions. That doesn't make it easier to do. Good luck.

As you started with a meme, I'll leave you with this one.

Oh Lord.
Give me coffee
To change the things I can change.
Give me wine
To accept the things that I can't,

And no, coffee and wine are not the answers, but I hope it gave you a little chuckle today,

[Food Lady]

C, you're right. I don't respond verbally but I respond emotionally. I absorb others' emotions. I've got to find a way to not do that. Other people's feelings aren't my responsibility, even if they try to put that on me.

[Food Lady]

These two deserve each other. I think you should leave if you can afford it at all. They don't want you there, and won't until they realize you're what's keeping the house running.

What's keeping me is that I didn't see my mom for 18 years and now she's nearing the end of her life. I want to be with her. Most of my problem is with him. Mom has flaws; we all do. But the love is there. I sometimes wonder if my brother cares about me. He shows little snippets; he gets upset at the thought of me getting hurt or doing something he thinks compromises my safety. He's just so mired down in his insecurity that it spills over to me and I don't think it's intentional. He probably feels bad about it but doesn't know how to deal with it. The one time I called him out he apologized later. He did it by text because honestly, I think he's afraid to talk to me. I'm very forgiving but he has stored up trauma from how other women in his life have treated him and he tends to snap at us. It's not an excuse but I can see he's conflicted. It just makes me crazy in the moment. Being a big sister is hard.

[KuariKaydrith]

It's hard to live with family when you're all adults, especially as all of us will have developed our own idiosyncrasies that make it harder. And I get wanting to be with your mother near the end of her life, but is it fair to you to have to deal with your brother's crap? What is it doing to your mental health?

I'm a big sister too, and it took me having to put my foot down with my siblings with a lot of their perceived bull, yet they would both be the first ones to bail me out if something bad were to happen to me. My brother was the golden child growing up, while I was the black sheep, so he used to come across as very condescending towards me...especially when I made the mistake of letting him live with me at one point.

Honestly, I think your best course of action would be to move out into your own place. Live nearby, visit as often as you can, but maintain your own space that you can retreat to when things go sideways with your brother and mother. A little distance can do wonders for familial relationships. And when your mother passes, it would also be best if the house was sold and the proceeds get split between you and your brother because if you think things are difficult now between the two of you, they will only get worse after. Being the bigger person in this situation equals not living with them anymore. But that's just my two cents.

[Food Lady]

All moving out will accomplish is put a big hole in Mom's budget which Brother cannot fill and cause me to have to work 60+ hours a week again due to debt I'm still working on. I was doing so and had my head above water but in the last year and a half my health has declined and now I'm not so sure I can physically do that again. So I have to find a way to deal with this. It's a challenge but an opportunity for growth while we still live together. I know you guys might not agree, but I believe God has me in this household for a reason. I need to figure out how to have compassion for others' suffering without letting it steal my joy.

[mjr]

Food Lady I hate to go all "Big Bang Theory", but have you considered a "Roommate Agreement" of sorts between the three of you? Do you think they would even abide by something like that?

I mean, it's been a while since I rented, but IIRC, renters usually have some sort of rental agreement that is signed. Could you do something similar? If all of you have the time, sit down, hash everything out (i.e. Food Lady, FL Brother, and FL Mother each get 1/3 of the square footage of the basement, or whatever), thinking of certain contingencies, and have everyone sign it. Of course, I don't know what sort of repercussions or consequences there would be for violating it, but it might be worth considering.

And if your brother is complaining about warm beverages, can't he get a small refrigerator? And do they understand they are living with you, not the other way around?

[Food Lady]

They aren't living with me; it's Mom's house at the moment, until we inherit it. He did get a small fridge.