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OK, had a different story but I got over that this afternoon and at Thanksgiving dinner the family dynamic took a turn. Same person, bigger problem. Just that hour before Sibling and I were fine with each other, joking, watching police dash cam vids (I know lol great holiday fodder), helping with dinner, etc. Then it came time to eat.
Me: trying hard to get a piece of turkey but the fork wasn't good (really needed tongs) and it kind of just picked up the turkey and the skin was stretching and fallig off, kind of like cheese on a hot pizza. The last time I did this my sibling criticized me. That's really the precedent; 70% of interactions are me either being told my opinion is wrong and theirs is fact or me being criticized for doing something "wrong"; nevermind there are multiple ways to do things.
S: "Just take all the skin." OK, y'all, given our history and the tone of voice used [which is often just how they sound but of course I misconstrued it] I took it as a complaint I was taking all the skin and/or being told how to do it. I mean, I've lost count of the times that's been true in our relationship.
Me: "I"m not trying to" in a very slightly raised voice but not really angry, just more pleading like "please don't accuse me right now." In addition, I was more focused on getting that darn turkey off the platter than the conversation (whoever carved didn't do a good job; oops, maybe it was them!). And I don't usually talk to them much just to avoid this stuff. In short, I was not wanting to further this.
S: "I'll just leave it all on my plate. Just take it all." OK, I see now but not in the moment that they were trying to clarify that they were letting me have all the skin.
Me: Still struggling with the $^&@ turkey, I said "I'm trying to get more of the meat." I somehow felt the need to explain what I was doing because as far as I was aware in the last less than a minute, something I was doing was wrong (still not understanding it was an offer, not a criticism).
S: Gets visibly angry and says "I was just trying to offer it to you!" So offended that I took it as domineering me. Probably doesn't even get why I feel like an oppressed wife or something.
Me: Wanting to just end this ridiculousness "Oh, thank you." Of course it probably didn't sound sincere because I was basically in shock and confused as to the sudden anger. Remember, all this happened inside of maybe 90 seconds. I was still trying to process being told how to get turkey and muttered whatever I thought was the appropriate response.
S: "Yeah, right." Now the sarcasm was obvious. I just let that go. I ungripped my figurative fingers and tossed it away. I was NOT going to do this. I ate; they pouted, head in hands, not eating, making zero move toward the turkey. Mom staring at them confused as to what the heck happened. Me silently praying for restraint and the best way to handle the potential for physical expression of anger which has never happened but they've had to leave the premises to avoid it in the past. Which they did; left for a walk. Came back, went to room, no dinner at all. Which makes me sad because Mom worked all day and the wine was provided by R and they didn't even get any. They have low blood sugar; wondering what will happen.
Also, I'm not doing Christmas dinner, not if this is what is going to happen. I will turn down my company's free ham. I will have my usual Christmas Eve mini feast because that's the holiday to me. Christmas Day they can do whatever. Maybe I'll go to the movies. I wish the Radisson had a Christmas dinner buffet like they do a Thanksgiving one. I'd go alone no problem. I cannot do this anymore. I cannot be held hostage by someone else's emotions. I said that to Mom after apologizing for her lovely dinner being ruined, even though I didn't do anything wrong, I don't think (if you think so, let me know). I didn't storm off. The worst thing is that Mom isn't going to be around forever, moved 2,400 miles to be with us in her final years, and has to deal with this nonsense. She slaved all day for that meal because neither of us was feeling well. It breaks my heart.
Me: trying hard to get a piece of turkey but the fork wasn't good (really needed tongs) and it kind of just picked up the turkey and the skin was stretching and fallig off, kind of like cheese on a hot pizza. The last time I did this my sibling criticized me. That's really the precedent; 70% of interactions are me either being told my opinion is wrong and theirs is fact or me being criticized for doing something "wrong"; nevermind there are multiple ways to do things.
S: "Just take all the skin." OK, y'all, given our history and the tone of voice used [which is often just how they sound but of course I misconstrued it] I took it as a complaint I was taking all the skin and/or being told how to do it. I mean, I've lost count of the times that's been true in our relationship.
Me: "I"m not trying to" in a very slightly raised voice but not really angry, just more pleading like "please don't accuse me right now." In addition, I was more focused on getting that darn turkey off the platter than the conversation (whoever carved didn't do a good job; oops, maybe it was them!). And I don't usually talk to them much just to avoid this stuff. In short, I was not wanting to further this.
S: "I'll just leave it all on my plate. Just take it all." OK, I see now but not in the moment that they were trying to clarify that they were letting me have all the skin.
Me: Still struggling with the $^&@ turkey, I said "I'm trying to get more of the meat." I somehow felt the need to explain what I was doing because as far as I was aware in the last less than a minute, something I was doing was wrong (still not understanding it was an offer, not a criticism).
S: Gets visibly angry and says "I was just trying to offer it to you!" So offended that I took it as domineering me. Probably doesn't even get why I feel like an oppressed wife or something.
Me: Wanting to just end this ridiculousness "Oh, thank you." Of course it probably didn't sound sincere because I was basically in shock and confused as to the sudden anger. Remember, all this happened inside of maybe 90 seconds. I was still trying to process being told how to get turkey and muttered whatever I thought was the appropriate response.
S: "Yeah, right." Now the sarcasm was obvious. I just let that go. I ungripped my figurative fingers and tossed it away. I was NOT going to do this. I ate; they pouted, head in hands, not eating, making zero move toward the turkey. Mom staring at them confused as to what the heck happened. Me silently praying for restraint and the best way to handle the potential for physical expression of anger which has never happened but they've had to leave the premises to avoid it in the past. Which they did; left for a walk. Came back, went to room, no dinner at all. Which makes me sad because Mom worked all day and the wine was provided by R and they didn't even get any. They have low blood sugar; wondering what will happen.
Also, I'm not doing Christmas dinner, not if this is what is going to happen. I will turn down my company's free ham. I will have my usual Christmas Eve mini feast because that's the holiday to me. Christmas Day they can do whatever. Maybe I'll go to the movies. I wish the Radisson had a Christmas dinner buffet like they do a Thanksgiving one. I'd go alone no problem. I cannot do this anymore. I cannot be held hostage by someone else's emotions. I said that to Mom after apologizing for her lovely dinner being ruined, even though I didn't do anything wrong, I don't think (if you think so, let me know). I didn't storm off. The worst thing is that Mom isn't going to be around forever, moved 2,400 miles to be with us in her final years, and has to deal with this nonsense. She slaved all day for that meal because neither of us was feeling well. It breaks my heart.
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