Advice request.

[ApolloSZ]

So. Guess background is to start.
I have a friend, we'll call her K. A few years ago, I had invited her to a friends birthday party, as we were waiting in the cold afterwards, I was giving her a hug to block the wind, and (so she told me later) she leaned in to kiss me. But, me being the oblivious (possibly innocent at that age) i missed 'the signals', and looked away (i'm kinda hyper-reactive what ever, i'll look/search for movements/sounds when I notice them) and so it never happend.

One valentine after that, I gave her a rose and some choc (I'm a hopeless romantic ), then left (had to go to work, figured she'd want some space) and she later said, she though we could only be friends. You guys know that one, the "friends" card :P

I said fine, sulked a tad, then stuck around, cos shes a cool chickie, and we're good mates now. The hard bit is, I still feel funny around her, and think I've missed out, and I dunno if its *GASP!* love or just dunno?.... I'm making no sense.

I have told her I still wish we could bee an item, but don't go on about it cos I'm afraid I'll bug her and she'll cut me off. What prompted me posting this tho, was one dream (I've only had it once that I can remember, I don't usually dream) - And it was the stereotypical "Guy gets girl - kisses and bird singing" etc. I can see the overdramaticism for what it is (too many forced soppy movies :P) but it was me. And her. I haven't told her about it, cos even to a good mate, I can't see any way it wouldn't sound creepy.

Ladies, have you ever told a guy you could only be friends, and its changed?

I dunno why i'm posting any more. Hell, i'm usually the 'Dr phil' for my friends. Wish I could understand me.

[Plaidman]

I'm not an expert on girls at all. But, maybe just try to take her on a friend date. Its still cold here. Not a date date. Maybe try to relive that one part with the wind.

Or just talk to her. Tell her how you feel. But, that you also value your friendship.


I won't lie. You two might be great friends. You two could even become an item. But it will likely be a little awkward. You two might break up, and that might hurt, or you could just break up and be friends.

Best of luck. You'll win though. Everyone seems too.

[Peppergirl]

Well, I ended up engaged to a man I was once only friends with. So yes, it could happen.


HOWEVER.....

It ended badly and we are no longer friends. And I miss the friendship more than I can even put into words. So....

If I ask myself, if I had it to do all over again, would I have allowed us to take the next step into dating/engagement? No. I regret it. And it wasnt a horrible relationship by any means (at least till the very end), but I miss the friendship so much, I would gladly give back the 5-6 years we were together as a couple if I could get that back.

Prob not the answer you wanted, but yes - it CAN happen, but it's a huge risk in alot of ways.

Keep us posted, though.

PS - what age range are you guys? Sometimes that makes a big difference too.

[depechemodefan]

Hmm, I can't think of a situation like that. I started to be friends with a guy I worked with. We went cd shopping one day and as I was driving he starts to hold my hand then rubs it and when I parked at his apt. I kissed him. But then I was starved for affection. This is the douchebag from the thread I just started and you answered.

I guess the thing is, how do you know if she likes you? You want to know if she likes you that way before you make a move. It's scary losing a friend if she doesn't want to be your gf.

I want to say, go for it. Tell her your feelings. You'll kick yourself latter for not trying. Say the words, give her a small gift (cd, chocolates?). She might say something then or latter. But really, no way to know what will go on.

[ApolloSZ]

Plaidman - I did take her out for dinner for her birthday recently, we had fun. And I always seem to be able to cheer her up. *shrug*

Peppergirl - I'd rather you speak what you thought even if I didn't want to hear it, than have you speak what I'd want to hear, so thank you :P - We're both 23 btw, I'm like, 4 months older. As for risk... well... lessay I arced 240V mains electricity once, just because.

Depeche - I kicked myself for not noticing the kiss that wasn't, lol. I also wondered why she told me about it, cos she told me after she'd said we were friends. I dunno if she does still or doesn't anymore or what. She joked once, when she was talking about her then bf, that I should be giving bad advice so she would dump him and I could have her to myself (nb, I didn't and wouldn't do that). I played it off as a joke.

I am the epitomy of the oblivious guy. The last two gf's I've had, both chased me down. I just don't pick up signals at all so... pass *double shrug*. And when try work out what to say, I doubt myself, thinking "oh it'll annoy her, she'll be sick of hearing it, it'll sound bad blah blah blah" and ya know, I'm really good at shooting myself down. lol.


Why are y'all women folk so confusing and hard to understand....

(psst... I'm kidding, please don't lynch me!)

[Hobbs]

I don't pick up signals either. Same with my last two gf's too, actually...

As for the girl I'm currently in love with...I'm also stuck in the 'best friend' department.

[Flying Grype]

My current boyfriend was my best friend for two years (and an acquaintance for a year before that) before we started dating. We've been together for six years now. I think it's a very good thing to be able to date a good friend -- friends care about each other and treat each other well.

In those two years that we were friends, he asked me two or three times if I wanted to date, and I said no. I was still recovering from a year of a rather lousy smothering boyfriend and I didn't want to date anyone. But in between asking, he wasn't pushy and he was a good friend, and finally I said yes. I liked him as a friend, and I had proof that he wouldn't be the kind of boyfriend that the last guy was.

Things can change. If it's been a long time, and she's available and still a good friend, you could ask. Make it clear to her that if she says no, you won't be pushy, and follow up on that. It is the absolute worst thing (for me, anyways) to be hounded, to have a guy hanging around me just waiting for the chance to pounce. It's a very uncomfortable kind of pressure to feel like he's there for a reason other than just wanting to be around me.

Remember that if she ever changes her mind she should be able to tell you herself. It shouldn't be up to the boy to do the asking all the time.

[Seshat]

Important note:

It's entirely possible that she's assuming you evaded the kiss, that you picked up on the signals and chose to politely pretend not to have noticed them.

Why are y'all men folk so confusing and hard to understand?

Yes, it goes both ways!


My advice:
Tell her - ONCE! - that you like her a great deal, that you value the friendship immensely, and that if she is ever interested, you are open to trying for a more romantic relationship.
But that you value the friendship much, much more than the potential for a romantic relationship, so if she's not interested, she's not and that's the end of it.

Then live up to that. If she says no, or yes, it'll be easy. If she says she needs time to think, it'll be harder; but respect that. Treat her exactly as normal. Absolutely no hints, no pressure, no signals. Part of her will be watching for pressure.

(Unfortunately, every woman I have ever spoken about it with, has had men who have 'been friends' for no reason other than to try to get into their pants. It makes us twitchy about that.)


Telling her outright will mean that it's out there, no ambiguity, no signals, no "why are y'all (gender) folk hard to understand?"
Leaving it at a friendship until or unless she says otherwise will maximise your chances of staying friends if she isn't interested.

[Flying Grype]

Part of her will be watching for pressure.

(Unfortunately, every woman I have ever spoken about it with, has had men who have 'been friends' for no reason other than to try to get into their pants. It makes us twitchy about that.)

YES. That smothering guy I mentioned? After we broke up, R said he really wanted to keep being friends. I said okay, he was the sort of nerd that I hung out with a lot anyways. We chatted occasionally on the internet but didn't see each other in real life very often. He mentioned once or twice to me that he had tried to date someone else but it didn't work out.

Then when I ended up dating E, I ran into R online again and mentioned to him that I was seeing someone I'd been friends with for a couple of years. He replied politely but after that he never sent me an instant message again. When I saw him at a sci-fi convention I waved and smiled but he looked right through me and went the other way.

I think he said he wanted to keep being friends because he wanted another crack at me. When it turned out that was no longer an option, he wasn't interested anymore. That's the kind of thing that I was twitchy about, and I didn't see it in E when he was asking me to go out and I was saying no -- he was still a good friend in between times, as if he'd never asked.

[the_std]

Personally, every time I've tried to date a "good friend", it ended badly, but that's because I also ran into the situation of them wanting to be friends with me to get into my pants. Every time, it went like this - friends for a while, guy asks me out at least three times, in the end I would say yes, and then he'd want to jump all over me immediately because "well, obviously we're so comfortable with each other already, this isn't a huge step, is it?", and then it would turn out that they had been putting on an unreal good side for me the entire time we were friends in hopes to attract me, and then as soon as we started dating, they would revert to their true slovenly, disrespectful, rude and boring selves. Every dating success I have had has been from dating someone new and taking it slow, getting to know the real them.

Learn from other peoples' mistakes. Be true, be yourself, and like Seshat said, do not pressure her, overtly or otherwise. Who knows, maybe she will come around again someday.

[MaggieTheCat]

My husband, P, and I have known each other for about 12 or 13 years. 6 or 7 years ago, I told him that I had a crush on him and would be interested in dating him. But, for various reasons, he told me he was not interested in dating me. We remained good friends, and 2 years ago, HE asked ME out. I had not been pining over him this entire time; I dated other guys and never really considered that P and I would ever be a couple. We have been together for 2 years now and I can't imagine NOT being with my best friend. To me (and him) it was entirely natural when it finally happened. We were very comfortable with each other and already trusted each other a lot before we even started dating, which made the relationship that much easier and better for us.

Obviously this doesn't work for everyone, as some other people have already mentioned. But this relationship has been 10x better than any other relationship that I've had with a guy I didn't know very long (obviously, since P and I are married now. )