How do I stop myself from loving this idiot?

[Evil Queen]

Some time ago, I started dating this guy; G. We hit it off okay but decided to stop dating since he was still hung up over his ex. This was just before Christmas.

AND I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM. He's not ready for another relationship and is a couple years older than I am. (2 years) And for some f-ed up reason, I can't for the life of me move on.

How do you guys do it?! We still see each other maybe once a week, if we're lucky. I so badly want him to be a part of my life again but I don't want to manipulate him into a relationship.

I did that with my last boyfriend, that lasted 3 years. I'm tired of manipulating people.

Oh, and stupid Valentines day is coming up. I hate valentines day. It sucks.

Help?

[Jack T. Chance]

Who says you have to stop loving him? Why not, oh, I don't know, accept the fact that the 2 of you can't be together right now, because he has to work on himself for a bit, but leave the door open to get together with him after awhile?

Just because you can't be together at this moment in time, it doesn't mean you have to permanently consign him to the Hell known as the "Just Friends Zone".

[Jester]

I can't for the life of me move on.

How do you guys do it?!

You have seen me tell numerous people on here to move on. I make it sound easy.

It isn't.

Moving on from my ex-fiance (as opposed to my evil ex-girlfriend) was not easy. It was difficult. Damn difficult. Hell, I went on a 15 day drinking binge after she dumped me, and my friends found it damned hard to be around me. I was not exactly the most pleasant of people, to put it mildly.

So, how do we do it?

With great difficulty.

We still see each other maybe once a week, if we're lucky.

Now, if you want to move on, seeing him once a week is not exactly the way to go about it. And it sure doesn't make the difficult transition you seem to want to make any easier. So you may want to rethink this.

I so badly want him to be a part of my life again but I don't want to manipulate him into a relationship.

I'm tired of manipulating people.

Then....don't. I know it's hard. I know this, as I have been there. I have manipulated people I cared about, and hated myself for it, even if in the short term it benefited me.

But if you're tired of manipulating, and you don't want to manipulate him, and you know (as you said) that he is not ready for a relationship, the only obvious answer is: don't manipulate him into one. Step back and make a mature decision to NOT do that.

Oh, and stupid Valentines day is coming up. I hate valentines day.

Fuck Valentine's Day. Fuck it with rusty power tools. It has nothing to do with your current issue, and shouldn't.

[AdminAssistant]

Eh, I'm getting bad bad vibes from this and recent things on Facebook. EQ, IMO, you need to cut off as many ties as you can. Focus on you and your friends. Get some retail therapy, if that works for you. Or meditate. Or splurge on a massage. Get a vibrator (I recommend this to every woman in general). Do things to get your mind off him, permanently. You need to get comfortable with you as a single person before you can get in another relationship.

[McGoddess09]

Admin, I do like your vibrator advice. It is seriously a great piece of advice.

EQ,sweetie, you may not stop loving him or you may. It's hard to move on from someone you had really deep affection for. Time will pass and he may still have a small part of your heart.Take it from someone who fell in love a little over four years ago and still has that part of her heart for him. He also happens to be my best friend. So, it is possible.

You know where to find me if you need to talk more.

[AdminAssistant]

Admin, I do like your vibrator advice. It is seriously a great piece of advice.

Best present for myself I ever bought. If you're not comfortable walking into a store that sells such wares, I recommend babeland.com.

RE: Valentine's Day, gather up single girlfriends. If you have no single girlfriends, then make a date with yourself. Favorite food, lots of booze, favorite movie. Enjoy yourself. MAKE yourself have a good goddam time. Being single is no excuse to sit at home moping. Alternatively, celebrate Chinese New Year, as that is the same day.

[Jester]

Alternatively, celebrate Chinese New Year, as that is the same day.

And on THAT holiday, unlike Valentine's Day, you are guaranteed to have fireworks!

[Gravekeeper]

Battery operated advice.. >.>

And yar, its not always easy. However:

We still see each other maybe once a week, if we're lucky.

Would be a leading culprit. If you're having so much trouble moving on having a constant weekly reminder does not help. You require cold turkey as it were. I would also advise against waiting around and hoping he fixes himself or at some point is "ready". That is terrible advice. Putting your life on hold for someone else that may or may not even happen? Fark that. Cold turkey, warm plastic.

And yeah, fark Valentine's too. ;p

[McGoddess09]

RE: Valentine's Day, gather up single girlfriends. If you have no single girlfriends, then make a date with yourself. Favorite food, lots of booze, favorite movie. Enjoy yourself. MAKE yourself have a good goddam time.

And don't feel bad if you do either of those things. My single gal friends and I will be doing that exact thing...except the booze.

[Rapscallion]

Short version - you can't control your glands. You may be able to influence them, but you cannot make yourself love or unlove on command.

I had a crush on someone a few years back. Lasted nine months - horrible. I didn't mind the person so much, but my glands really liked her. Common sense told me that it would have been a bad match had she even been amenable, but that didn't stop the glands.

Time is about the only way.

Unless you want me to catch them on film in bed with a nubile goat or something to shock you out of your current appreciation of him...

Rapscallion

[AdminAssistant]

And don't feel bad if you do either of those things. My single gal friends and I will be doing that exact thing...except the booze.

Actually, so will I. I am in a LDR, but Mother Nature has a sick, sick sense of humor so the BF is waiting another week to come visit. So my Chinese New Year () will be spent with my favorite girls and a goodly amount of booze. (We're all grad students, so alcohol's always a given!)

[Evil Queen]

Speaking of... personal battery opporated friends... I have one. It's purple and awesome. But using a machine isn't the same as the intimacy I desire from a human being.

I may be a horn dog but I'm no harlot, I won't boink just anyone.

You guys are right... I should stop seeing him. It just hurts a lot for some reason. And it's not like the break up wasn't amicable either. We both decided it was best for him.

[AdminAssistant]

Speaking of... personal battery opporated friends... I have one. It's purple and awesome. But using a machine isn't the same as the intimacy I desire from a human being.

I know, and I understand, believe me. But flooding the system with endorphins on a regular basis is a good thing.

[blas]

It hurts a lot less when you don't allow yourself to keep clinging to him and allowing yourself to be consumed with his obession with his ex.

From experience, I say stay away from guys who are still hung up on their exes.

[Jester]

I say stay away from guys who are still hung up on their exes.

It bears pointing out here that there is a difference between being "hung up" on an ex and still being in love with one. I still love my most significant exes: The Enchantress, The Brit, even Blondie to a degree. And I often struggle with that. But that does not mean I can't give my love 100% to someone new in my life.

"Hung up on," on the other hand, means still currently obsessed with. Which is different.

I am of the opinion that a person who expects their current beau to not have any feelings whatsoever for their significant exes is being completely unrealistic. I have had girlfriends ask me, "Are you still in love with The Brit?" And I have answered honestly, yes. And the better ones have understood, and been able to move along in the relationship without letting that hinder them. As it shouldn't. As Raps said in his own eloquent way, we can't really shut off our feelings like they're water spigots.