Dealing With An Addict (long)

[trailerparkmedic]

One of my cousins had a baby about two years ago. She had post partum depression which lead to lots of drinking and now she's an alcoholic who also takes any prescription pain meds she can find. She may or may not be bipolar. She's been on and off with her therapist and refuses to take her meds. She's been in and out of rehab and was drinking 6 hours after her last stint in rehab.

Her parents are the nicest people. My mom says my uncle would give you the shirt off his back but only after my aunt washed and ironed it for you. It's gotten to the point where they've taken the baby and have cut off all communication with her. Her husband finally (after much encouragement) kicked her out of the house (she's allowed back when she's sober). She's probably going to lose her job sometime this week, which is not an easy feat when you're a teacher in a very strong union. We've come to the conclusion that she just needs to hit bottom on her own and we're doing what we can to stop enabling her and protect ourselves.

This is all happening in a different state so I haven't been directly affected by most of the problems (stolen money, baby being dropped off for "a few hours to run errands" and she dissappears for days, etc) but it still sucks when she calls me drunk or strung out, looking to get some money wired to her, or even just having what she's done affect the whole family.

So, long explanation aside, how do you deal with it? I am so stressed out right now, between this and normal bits of my life (work, school, etc). I am exhausted and the stress is making me angry and bitter and I'm overreacting to things I should (and normally would) let go, like my bridezilla friend. I do some things to blow off steam (play video games, work out, spend time with friends) but it never seems to be enough. The hardest thing for me is that I like to help people and fix situations, but the only things we can do make me feel guilty for not "helping" her. We're sticking to it, but it's not easy to have the guilt on top of the stress. The guilt is starting to go away, so hopefully doing the hard stuff gets easier.

[Magpie]

I'd say you're on the right track - you're telling yourself that you need to stick to it, recognising that you're helping her more by not giving in, and how it's affecting the rest of your life.

If you're able, let people around you know that you're not doing as well as normal, so they need to cut you some more slack. (Be aware that this can backfire sometimes, as there are those who read it as "I don't want to deal with anything so leave me alone").

[crazylegs]

As long as the child is in a safe environment I would suggest you protect yourself and cut off ties. She will only accept help when she wants is so there is no point forcing it on her.

[r2cagle]

Time will help. It never gets easier to deal with toxic people you're related to, because they always bring that stress and guilt back into your life. Keep on, keeping on. At some point, you'll be able to switch back and forth from the focus of keeping up with daily life so that the occasional stresses from your cousin won't seem so bad.

You're doing fine so far. Don't hold onto the guilt, keep encouraging your aunt/uncle, keep living your life. Don't focus on your cousin and all the messed up things she's doing. Focus on the moment that you are in, and lest the rest flow around you and even compartmentalize if you have to. And get as much rest as you can.

[taxguykarl]

So, long explanation aside, how do you deal with it?

One phrase: OWNERSHIP OF THE PROBLEM
Do you really want the title to this mess? I think not. Just keep your distance and help when asked. You can only help those who want to be helped--otherwise you are enabling.

[42_42_42]

Contact Al-Anon. Just because she's not your immediate family nor living near you, doesn't mean you're not affected. This is exactly why this organization exists.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

If you want to help her and be part of fixing the problem, don't enable her.

You know that already. And you are doing it. Keep up the good work.

[Polenicus]

I think you're on the right track with letting her bottom out first.

To really change, people need to be willing to change. Not have themselves changed, not have someone take away their problems, not be relieved of their responsibilities. Basically, she has to get to a point where she's willing to let go of getting through this on her terms. When she's less strung out, I bet she's said stuff like 'I know this is messing up my life, but I just can't imagine going through life without ever having another drink/hit/whatever'

Until she can let that idea go, she'll always be trying to have both. Stabilize her life AND have the drugs & alcohol. Be a stable, normal person without having to actually change herself.

Until she does hit bottom, any help given to her is just going to prolong things.

[flybye023]

I am sorry you're dealing with this. I had an alcoholic aunt. Her problems did affect me though as two of her children ended up living with my family for 14 months while she tried to straighten up.

One thing to keep in mind. It's not, NOT 'helping' her when she calls for money, etc. It's enabling. Keep that in mind. She's not asking for help, she's asking you to allow her to continue in her addiction.

My aunt would call up all the time, "I need money, there's no food (or clothes, or school supplies) for the kids, would you really let my kids go without?!" Well, we knew the money would not go for anything for the kids--that it would all go for booze. So, we would bring food, clothes, school supplies for the kids. This would make her furious. And yet, we were answering her supposed request for help.

So, give the assistance you're allowed to and remind yourself that anything else really, truly, isn't help. Again, I'm sorry you're going through this. Been there, done that, have the trauma to show for it.