Help... please.

[Andara Bledin]

Well, he's here now and I don't dare let on how upset I am. This guys treats me like a king, so why can't I embrace it and let him do it...?

Because you're normal. You're afraid that it's all too perfect, and are looking for the coming disaster. It's normal, and you can work on ignoring it; I know I have.

I think it just comes down to the fact that I'm not physically attracted to him.

Yesterday as we drove back, I was haunted by men who were better looking.

I don't know what the problem is... I didn't used to feel this way about him.

Have you ever looked into maybe a little personal counseling?

I'm no psych of any stripe, but it sounds like you have a certain fear of failure, so you're almost working on a self-fulfilling prophecy of doing just that.

My brother was like this in school: he'd do well until he realized he was doing well, and to avoid other people being let down by his supposedly inevitable failure, he'd sabotage his own success to ensure that nobody would ever count on him to succeed. He's 37, now, and his whole life has followed this self-destructive pattern.

What can you do in the face of that? You suffer silently, that's what, and you realize that you're suffering pointlessly as well.

Don't be silent. Fears fester in silence.

If you're not comfortable talking to him about your issues, find someone you can talk to. Hopefully, someone who will listen and try to work you through it.

As for the sex issues you mentioned: I haven't actually had regular sex in about a decade (unresolved medical issue not on my end). I've been in a relationship during that entire time, though. Let me just say that there can be a whole hell of a lot of fun to be had in figuring out how to work with what you've both got going for you, and getting in practice on what might not be working so well as you'd like.

^-.-^

[Amina516]

Cold feet seems like to me.

Please give it a chance. Someone who treats you soo good shouldnt be discounted on the basis of looks (since the others can be worked on.)

Honestly (and he knows this) i was not attracted to my husband when I first met him. Not that he was ugly, just nothing like my type. He chased me so hard that when I finally turned to him, I was already in love.

Give it time maybe?

[HYHYBT]

I was more certain before.

Entirely understandable.

[Eric the Grey]

I was more certain before.

Sounds like a case of the jitters to me. It happens to a lot of people.

As to looking at other men, that's natural. Bot D and myself look at other people (she at men, me at women) but there is nobody I'd rather be with than her, and for some reason, she'd rather be with me.

Try to calm down and let things ride for a while. Once you get it out of your system, things will be better.

Whatever happens, best of luck with it.


Eric the Grey

[Jangles the Moon Monkey]

If you've been badly hurt in the past several times, it sounds to me like you're just waiting to be hurt again and are trying to stop that from happening with the bickering, the doubts. You're scared to let yourself be happy and it's made worse by the fact that he's moved so far to be with you.

I don't really have any advice for you. I wasn't quite as bad when I met my now husband but I confessed to him how I felt and he just hugged me and told me he cared too much about me to let me sabotage our relationship. The problems I felt didn't seem so bad after that. I hope you manage to sort it out.

[Antisocial_Worker]

I hate to ask, but how did it get to the point where "he sold off his entire life," etc., if you're not sure? Or were you more certain before?

I was more certain before.

[HYHYBT]

I hate to ask, but how did it get to the point where "he sold off his entire life," etc., if you're not sure? Or were you more certain before?

[Antisocial_Worker]

Well, he's here now and I don't dare let on how upset I am. This guys treats me like a king, so why can't I embrace it and let him do it...?

I think it just comes down to the fact that I'm not physically attracted to him. At all. It's bothering me to the point of obsession. I can't stand this. I also can't stand that he sold off his entire life, left his apartment, and left all his friends behind so he can come up here and be with me. Christ...

Yesterday as we drove back, I was haunted by men who were better looking. I saw them driving trucks and riding motorcycles, or walking by the road.

I don't know what the problem is... I didn't used to feel this way about him. It's almost as though if I don't find someone who contrasts me completely, even in skin color, I've somehow failed. Or it's as though after all I've been through in my search for a good relationship, I feel like I'm entitled to someone who is perfect in every way, including looks.

And then of course it doesn't help that two other men who are much better looking are interested in me. I might actually go after one, but I feel so incredibly guilty about uprooting him and bringing him here. One of his friends sobbed as we said goodbye. What can you do in the face of that? You suffer silently, that's what, and you realize that you're suffering pointlessly as well. To reject a black man, which is what you've always wanted, just because he's not "black enough?" Really? Logically, I know it's idiotic.

[Magpie]

I know I'm eventually going to sound like a broken record, but going for couples' counselling is a wonderful way to deal with communications difficulties. Not necessarily that you don't both have good techniques, but going together helps, because then you have a common ground, and know what the other person expects, etc. I'm sure there's someone in your area who offers basically premarital counselling without calling it that. (The basic "here's how to live with someone else without killing each other" stuff).

[Taboo]

Good luck!

Work on the communication first. Make sure that you have a way to 'fight fair' even when you do argue, because otherwise you won't be able to deal with any of the other issues. Other than that, you've already gotten some good advice here about the weight issues etc.

[Antisocial_Worker]

Come what may, I fly down to Florida today to help him move across two states to be with me.

[Seshat]

Weight - your doctor can verify whether he has health issues which are affecting his ability to lose weight. Some of those can have caused the weight gain in the first place.

Sexual prowess - definitely can be worked on.

Colouration - in my experience, that becomes less of an issue as time passes, and you love the person for themselves, ALL of themselves.

Bickering - if you are both willing to work on communication skills with each other, that will fade. If you don't, it will get worse.
What worked for me was 'okay, hang on, let's stop for a moment and try rephrasing things.' And we'd both struggle to understand what the other was REALLY trying to say, rather than the words they were using. Everyone has pet phrasings that to them, mean X, but other people hear as meaning Y. Yes, even you, HH.

Running out of time - no. The Great Disney-Perfect Love doesn't exist, not even in Disney movies. Sleeping Beauty married the first guy who kissed her, Cinderella just hung around waiting for a rich dude to carry her off, Ariel gave up her family and half of her anatomy for a guy who couldn't decide between a redhead and a brunette, Belle keeps making excuses for a guy who constantly yells at her and verges on physically abusive...

You have an opportunity for love here. Maybe he is The Perfect Guy who will stay with you till death do you part. Maybe it'll only work out for a year or two, or a decade or two. But there's no way to know other than to try it. And even if you do part eventually, you will have had a love. And you'll always have had Paris. Or Asheville, NC, anyway.

[Antisocial_Worker]

I appreciate the advice.

I think part of what bothers me is that he and I bicker all the time, and I'm worried that won't ever change even as time passes and we grow together. I'm also worried that he'll get tired of me. Living with one another is a big change from sweet talks on the phone.

And it doesn't help that there are two people I find much more attractive who would love to date me...

This is a mess, but my love life always has been.

Edit: One other fun thing messing all of this up is the fact that I turn 30 this year and I just feel like I'm running out of time to find anyone.

[Aethian]

Ummmmmmm *blinks*


Errrr Sorry HH *blushes*

[Plaidman]

Feeling in love and feeling loved? Damn girl keep that close. I'm seeing a 3/3 here.

*cough* he a dude, not a girl *cough*

XD Joking aside, it's up to you. So far, you love everything about him cept his skin color (silly XD), weight which can be worked with eventally.

As for the sex, can't help you with that. My experence of it is nothing short of me terrible.