Help... please.

[Jester]

i agree with everything jester just said. the man's a genius, i swear.

While I don't necessarily agree with that sentiment, feel absolutely free to tell all your young single cute female friends that.

if you have something on the back burner, you're more likely to let what's on the front burner boil over and be ruined.

Great cooking analogy! (And I'm supposedly the genius?)

all that glitters isn't gold. and sometimes, a plain rock can have something beautiful hidden inside.

More to the point of that analogy, just because something is pretty doesn't mean it is what you need or want. Gold is very pretty, but as a soft metal, it is virtually useless to build anything with. Concrete and steel, while not nearly as pretty, form great foundations for building strong, long-lasting structures. Some people would rather have a pretty house, even if they know there is a good chance a slight breeze will knock it over. The smart people get the strong houses, even if they may not be as pretty.

(looking at above analogy) Okay, maybe I am a genius!

[Green_Fairy]

i agree with everything jester just said. the man's a genius, i swear. that said, let me tell a story:

i had shit luck with relationships. always went for the same type. then i got in contact with The Boy while he was in iraq. he was the opposite of most of the guys i had dated. after a little more than a month of talking, he asked me to move in with him. i moved over 2,000 miles to be with him. i was scared. he was scared. we both had major doubts. we both checked out and flirted with other people. and we're open and honest about all of this.
about a week after we moved in, i broke down and told him how scared i was. he admitted that he was freaking out, too. his marriage had just ended and he was terrified that i was going to cheat on him. hell, i'm terrified that i'm going to cheat on him.
but we tell each other everything. all our fears, our insecurities, our worries. it's all out there. and we're stronger for it.

what i'm saying is talk to him. he's probably just as scared as you are, if not more. moving for someone is insanely hard. but it can also pay off in ways you never expect. if you work on your insecurities, like everyone's been saying, you'll be better off for it. if if it doesn't work out with him, it'll leave you better prepared for the next guy. but give this one a chance.

and for the love of all things fuzzy, stay away from temptation. i know it's hard. trust me, i know. but if you have something on the back burner, you're more likely to let what's on the front burner boil over and be ruined. focus on what you have. not what you don't. all that glitters isn't gold. and sometimes, a plain rock can have something beautiful hidden inside.

[Jester]

Okay, time for me to weigh in.

Before I start, I have to warn you HH--as you probably know, I don't pull punches, I don't beat around the bush, and I don't sugarcoat. I am going to give you my honest opinions on the matter. If you are not ready for such brutal honesty, don't read further. Go do something else for a while. But when you are ready, come back, sit down with your favorite drink and/or snack, and strap yourself in.

Because damn it, I have a few things to say.

I'll try to make a very long story short and say that I've had horrible luck with men, to the point that I finally tried dating outside my "type."

I find it interesting that you don't seem to see the correlation with "horrible luck with men" and the fact that you keep going after the same "type." It's like my one friend who has horrible luck with men, mostly because her "type" tends to be douchebags. Her latest flame, though, is more dorky than douchy, and he seems to be pretty okay. If your love life sucks and you keep dating the same type of person, that is Life telling you, "Hey, dumbass--try something different. The Sum Dum Guy special just ain't workin' for you!"

He's in love. When he's around, so am I. He treats me like royalty. My friends love him. When he's away, I grieve as though he's never coming back because that's what always happened before.

This is something that, as a diehard romantic, I yearn for. So naturally, I hate your guts.

Then there's the three things that keep hitting me in the face. Any one of them I could possibly deal with but all three are the perfect storm to drive me straight insane.

Not one of them is worth piss in a bucket, dude. You are making far more out of them then they actually are.

First, he's very light skinned when I prefer dark-skinned guys.

I know it makes me sound shallow, but I'm literally losing my mind here.

Over THIS? Yes, it does make you sound shallow. Not to mention superficial and lame. Get over it. Of all your concerns about and issues with this guy, this is bar far the most idiotic. As an example, I have a major weakness for girls with long hair. My ex-fiance (my ONLY fiance) had short hair. You know what I did? I got over it. Why? Because she was a wonderful person and was the only woman to ever make me feel more like the King than the Jester. So I brushed the whole hair thing aside as the petty minor thing it was. As you should do with the dude's complexion.

NEXT!

Second, he's very overweight -- which I have problems with because my parents were both very overweight until the diabetes started killing them.

Somewhat superficial, but an understandable concern. He is doing to himself what your parents did that drove them to ill health. Naturally this is a concern for you. You should share this concern with him and let him know that you are concerned for his health, and explain about your parents and what happened to them, and what that put you through. If you make it clear it is out of caring for him, he should understand, and perhaps you can even convince him to start addressing the issue.

NEXT!

Third, he's horrible in bed.

Superficial? Sure. A worthy concern? Absolutely. Because physical intimacy is part of romance. Not the only part, certainly. But definitely a part. This, however, can be worked on. For one to be a good student, one needs a good teacher. So.....teach him.

I've been through more pain than just about anybody I know when it comes to relationships and now when it looks like I might actually get everything I ever wanted, even when it's not in the package I want, I'm losing it.

You're "losing it"? Because a dude who cares about you, practically worships you, who you adore, is pale, fat, and lame in bed? Are these concerns? The second two, yes, of course. But they are merely concerns. They are not insurmountable obstacles that requires superhuman abilities to overcome. And frankly, if you're "losing it," it has nothing to do with anything about HIM. The issue is with YOU. Your insecurities about relationships. Your ingrained belief that because all the other relationships in your life went to shit, this one will as well. And because of this, you are making this belief into a self-fulfilling prophecy. You are sabotaging what, by your own description, may be the best relationship you've ever had. You are letting the dipshits you dated before ruin this relationship as neatly as they ruined the ones they had with you. Your current boyfriend can't do anything about that, other than to be supportive of you as you struggle through this. The only person who CAN do anything about it is YOU. So, in the words of one of my favorite movies,

"YOU....MUST....CHILL!"

Seriously, dude, relax. Stop stressing out over this shit. There is far more world-shattering stuff in life worth stressing out over than this crap. And deep down, I think you know that, too.

I think part of what bothers me is that he and I bicker all the time, and I'm worried that won't ever change even as time passes and we grow together.

Is it bickering, or is it fighting? There is a huge difference, after all. Many couples with healthy relationships bicker all the time. I bickered constantly with my ex-fiance, to the point where people around us at the bar would start backing away, thinking we were close to drawing knives on each other. We weren't. That is just how our personalities interacted. And sometimes the bickering was more than just silly word play, but actual disagreements. But we worked through those, because we were open and honest with each other.

If, however, this is fighting--and I don't mean physical, mind you, just verbal fighting as opposed to bickering--that may be more serious, and something that would need to be addressed.

My opinion? Your insecurities and doubts are causing many of these bickering sessions. Maybe if you told him some of your fears and doubts, let him know what you are going through, that would lessen your stress, allow him to show his support for you, and actually lessen the bickering itself.

I'm also worried that he'll get tired of me. Living with one another is a big change from sweet talks on the phone.

Yes it is. But your worry is more of the aforementioned insecurities that you have carried with you from your past bad relationships. Let...those....GO.

And it doesn't help that there are two people I find much more attractive who would love to date me...

No, it doesn't help. It tests you. And it all goes back to that one saying, that character is not how we act when things are good, but how we act when things are bad. You are worried about this relationship because it is showing signs of actual success, which scares the hell out of you. And because of that, you are finding yourself attracted to other men, as a sort of security blanket. I would bet several beers that the guys you are attracted to are your normal "type." You know the kind....the same guys that caused you so much pain and misery in your past relationships. Yeah, those jackasses.

So be strong and actually attempt to make THIS relationship work. Don't jump off of a yacht just to swim to a dinghy, just because you see a few scratches in the yacht.

Edit: One other fun thing messing all of this up is the fact that I turn 30 this year and I just feel like I'm running out of time to find anyone.

I say this from the bottom of my heart: Shut the fuck up! Seriously, cork that pie hole before you spew more garbage out of it.

Dude, I turn 40 in 17 days. I am single and have never been married. I have been engaged once, and seven years later, I still don't know why she left me. I have had a string of wacky, nutty, and sometimes even criminal girlfriends, some more successful than others. But I don't feel like I'm "running out of time." (Well, not usually. Only the occasional moment. And it passes.) And to be blunt, you are a guy dating guys, so it's not like you are worrying about your "biological clock."

Look, I understand the anxiety over this. I do. In my family, I am the only one in my generation that has never been married, out of nine of us, between my sisters, stepsiblings, and cousins. Of course, three of those ended in divorce, and two resulted in miserable marriages that are still going. Add that to the fact that I made a conscious decision years ago to enjoy life and make the best out of it, and always try to find the positive in something, rather than taking the easy road of finding the negative, and you'll see why I am rolling my eyes at your above comment.

You need to realize that the person who most directly affects your happiness on this earth is not any guy you are ever going to date. That person is YOU. And no boyfriend can ever bring you happiness if you are not willing to find happiness in yourself and for yourself.

Well, he's here now and I don't dare let on how upset I am. This guys treats me like a king, so why can't I embrace it and let him do it...?

Because of the aforementioned insecurities. As I said above, I think you should talk to him. Maybe not tell him everything you told us, but definitely tell him about the bad relationships in your past, about your fears, about your insecurities, and about your concerns about him and the relationship. If he really is royalty, if he really cares about you as much as you say, he will do what he can to help you through it. Even if he is a bit miffed by what you say. And I am a firm believer that merely telling him all of this and getting it off your chest will itself alleviate much of the stress it is causing you, and (as someone else said about their own situation), make you see these things as less serious than you viewed them before you let them out.

I think it just comes down to the fact that I'm not physically attracted to him. At all. It's bothering me to the point of obsession. I can't stand this. I also can't stand that he sold off his entire life, left his apartment, and left all his friends behind so he can come up here and be with me.

The first part is normal, and it's those pesky insecurities playing on you. You see this guy as being "too good to be true," so you are finding flaws in him. I can honestly tell you that many times when I've been dating someone, I find them less attractive than other people do. Why? Because they showed interest in me. How could an attractive person do that? (Luckily for me, I have for the most part moved past that particular issue.)

Yesterday as we drove back, I was haunted by men who were better looking. I saw them driving trucks and riding motorcycles, or walking by the road.

Of course you were. Why? As you yourself put it, you are obsessing about his looks. So....stop obsessing. Relax. Chill. Just because the grass may be greener on the other side doesn't mean the yard isn't infested with weeds and covered in dog shit.

I don't know what the problem is... I didn't used to feel this way about him.

See "insecurities" and "fears" above.

Or it's as though after all I've been through in my search for a good relationship, I feel like I'm entitled to someone who is perfect in every way, including looks.

Sorry pal. I'm not into guys.

Seriously though, no one is fucking perfect. No one. As much as I speak glowingly about my ex-fiance, lord knows she had her issues. Not issue. ISSUES. She was a neurotic drunken drug-taking coffee-dependent wack job with some serious intimacy issue, and at times she was just downright aggravating on so many levels. Not to mention her British condescension of so many things American. She was hardly perfect. She was just perfect....for me. Accepting someone's imperfections is part of a relationship. If you can't do that, then get used to one night stands and douchebag boyfriends who take advantage of you.

And then of course it doesn't help that two other men who are much better looking are interested in me.

So fucking what? So FUCKING what? So some hot dudes are interested in you. Besides being beefcake, in what way are they superior to your boyfriend? My guess is you don't have the faintest idea, you just are hot for them because they're hot. So what? That, my friends, is the bullshit self-defeating thinking that got you so many of those past relationships that you have described in such rotten terms.

I might actually go after one, but I feel so incredibly guilty about uprooting him and bringing him here.

First of all, if you actually go after one of those other guys, don't ever expect me to bother offering you any sympathy or advice ever again. You have a great thing, you know you have a great thing, and you are willing to torpedo that for a roll in the hay with some douchebag pretty boy?

Look, if your current relationship isn't what you want, then find a way to end it, with all the shit that that will entail, and THEN go after the other guys. But to do so while you are still WITH this dude? Beyond deplorable. The rancid vomit in the alley behind the dive bar things that that is disgusting.

With all the guy has given up for you, you owe him more than that. You owe him better than that. If you really feel that this relationship has failed (and frankly, from some of the things you have said, it doesn't sound like it has), then break it to him, break up with him, apologize to him, weather whatever verbal abuse he heaps on you for it (if he does), send him on his way, and then diddle the local Hot Guys.

To reject a black man, which is what you've always wanted, just because he's not "black enough?" Really? Logically, I know it's idiotic.

I was thinking "beyond idiotic" myself.

I have my moments when I'm okay with everything, although I keep thinking about the other guys who are interested in me. I wonder "what if?"

Very undestandable, and very normal. I hate to keep bringing up the ex-fiance, but she is a great example from my life that I can use, so I will keep bringing her up to make my points. When I was engaged to her, it was without question or exaggeration the happiest I have ever been. Period. And I still had flirty conversations with pretty women that went something like this:

JESTER: "Are you single?"
HOT CHICK: "Yes."
JESTER: "I wish I was."

Though she was never around to hear these comments (and to be fair, I only uttered them when I was performing magic for these women, and I am just naturally flirtatious in my act), the fact that I actually said these things was one of the biggest regrets I had from that relationship. I still hate the fact that I said them. Sure, I was having second thoughts. And these women WERE hot. But after she was gone, I realized that no, I hadn't wished I was single. And there were times when the stupid superstitious part of me thought that uttering that "wish" is what caused her to leave. I knew that wasn't the case, but I felt so bad about saying it that a small part of me did believe that that was what caused her to leave.

Why can't I be happier? Why can't I be happy at all? I don't get it.

Short answer: Because you won't allow yourself to be, because you don't think you deserve it, and/or you believe that this relationship is too good to be true, even with the flaws you mentioned, so you are torpedoing it in an effort to prove yourself right.

Long answer: See my diatribe above.

Pretty much it's just this guy. I have wanted and wanted and wanted this -- a serious, stable, committed relationship -- for my entire adult life and now that I have it, I don't want it.

Are you sure you don't want it? Or are you just trying to convince yourself of that, to justify whatever you do to wreck this whole thing? Look, you either want it or you don't. From the glowing things you said about the guy, I would guess you DO want it. You just are having trouble accepting that you HAVE it.

What kind of a monster would I be if sent him away at this point?

Honestly, you'd be kind of a shithead. But, if the relationship IS over, if you really are convinced that there is no future here--and personally I think you're fooling yourself if you believe that at this point, so early on--then it would be better and kinder of you to send him packing now rather than later, after things get bitter. Which, by the way, they WILL if you don't address these self-doubts and inner fears. And I mean for both this relationship and any future ones.

What's going on here is that for a solid week my brain has been shrieking at me that I have made a horrible, horrible mistake. That's what it comes down to.

Tell your brain to shut the fuck up. Duct tape its mouth shut and beat it over the head with a frying pan to shut it up. Then relax and give this shit an actual, honest chance. Which frankly, I don't think you have.

To top it all off, there's a guy who is interested in me, and who I find interesting... He would like to start something up. What do I do?

If you're a good guy, you resist temptation and work at what you have in front of you now, not what Could Be.

If you're an asshole, you go do the other guy.

No, he doesn't, although the other guy does. It's like I'm trying to nurture a backup plan.

It's not "like" you're trying to nurture a backup plan. You ARE nurturing a backup plan. That is exactly what you are doing.

The amusing thing is this: the backup plan is for if...no, excuse me, to use your line of thinking, it's for WHEN your current relationship goes in the crapper. But the backup plan, if you act on it, will probably be the very thing that sends your current relationship into the crapper to begin with!

As I said at the beginning, I don't pull punches. I have spent probably over an hour typing this all up, and I type very fast! You asked for advice, and I have given you the best I have. But the next move is not mine. Nor is it your boyfriend's. It's not even the other guy you're interested in or any other Hot Guy you happen to see giving you The Eye.

If you want to take control of your life, the next move is YOURS.

[Solumina]

You need to remember 2 things. 1) You wanted this guy to move in with you so there at least was something real there. 2) The only thing that you owe anybody is honesty, yourself included.

It sounds to me like you are doing something that is extremely common for people in their teens and early 20’s but based on your past relationships it is still something that I would consider very likely to be the case. The relationship is over and you don’t know how to end it because nobody did anything wrong. This happens a lot. People who haven’t been in many healthy relationships feel that in order for a relationship to end someone must have done something wrong but that really is not the case, if the relationship is causing you excessive stress (and it is very clear that you are having some major emotional issues right now) and it doesn’t make you happy then you need to sit down with someone (perhaps a professional) and talk about this so that you can figure out if there is even a chance of things working or if you would just be prolonging the inevitable and causing even more pain for everyone involved.

I know that the guy packed up his life to be with you but nothing is guaranteed in a relationship. You need to figure things out for yourself (but in the mean time stay away from temptation), nobody else knows everything that is going on in your head so nobody else can know the right choice for you to make. You should also give the guy a heads up that you are a little unsure of things right now that way he can try and work on things plus he wont be completely blindsided if/when you do break up.



Just as another little thought, here is a question that should tell you a lot: Do you want to date other people or are you just interested in fooling around with them?




*I apologies if this is a little intense and authoritative as I’m new and contradicting a lot of other poster’s opinions, plus I don' really know the first thing about you so I am sorry if I’m out of line, but this happens to be my field of studies and I have seen/studies quite a few similar situation so that is why my viewpoint is so strongly worded*

[smileyeagle1021]

As someone who has been there and done that (including the whole being in love without having that much physical attraction... something I still deal with), let me say that the best thing you can do is to just let go and let life take you where it will. I was nervous as hell about my BF moving in back in August, but we're still going strong, approaching our one year anniversary, and not looking back with any regrets.

[Antisocial_Worker]

Does he even know you're having doubts?

No, he doesn't, although the other guy does. It's like I'm trying to nurture a backup plan.

[Taboo]

Unless you've decided to dump the other guy, tell him you're taken!

Seconded.

Look, you made this first guy move all the way out there to be with you. If he's treating you right, which it sounds like he is, you owe him at least a solid try at things. I would give it 1-2 months and see how it goes. Maybe you just aren't as attracted as you thought you were, and maybe it was a bad mistake - but it's not fair to him to write things off a few days after he's gotten there. Does he even know you're having doubts?

[HYHYBT]

Unless you've decided to dump the other guy, tell him you're taken!

[Antisocial_Worker]

To top it all off, there's a guy who is interested in me, and who I find interesting... He would like to start something up. What do I do?

[Antisocial_Worker]

I don't mind the wall of text. What's going on here is that for a solid week my brain has been shrieking at me that I have made a horrible, horrible mistake. That's what it comes down to.

[trailerparkmedic]

Give it some time and see what happens. See if the flaws drive you crazier or blend into the background. Make an effort to not compare him to some idealized image of perfect. What originally drew you to him? Did you feel something before that is gone now?

My opinon? I can't tell if you've got cold feet and are trying to sabotage a good thing, or if you're doing what I've done and all of a sudden realized something is horribly, horribly wrong. When I've had a "What the HELL am I thinking?" moment in a relationship, it's because I've been trying to rationalize something and after awhile denial just doesn't cut it anymore. It happened with major events, like my husband cheating on me, and I tried for months to rationalize that he had changed (even though I knew that he was still sleeping around), that I needed to save the marriage, etc. After a few months, I realized I was being played for a fool and I moved out that night. From what you've said, I'm leaning towards cold feet & self sabotage.

Think of it this way--what will a few months hurt? He's already picked up and moved and that's not something that is easy to undo. Give yourself a deadline, maybe 3 months or whatever sounds ok to you. It gives you a chance to figure out what's really going on. When I met my fiance, I wasn't really attracted to him but I'd driven pretty far and I was hungry so I wasn't going to walk out without eating dinner. I had fun on our date, but wasn't sure if it was "friends" fun or "boyfriend" fun... so I decided to give it a little time and see where we were in a month. When we moved in together we had a really, really rough patch--I'm still surprised we didn't break up. There was one point where I was considering leaving but I didn't have the money for a new apartment so I decided I would save up some money for a deposit before making any decisions. A few months later I had the money but I didn't want to leave anymore and we're still together. I will admit that I can be very impulsive, especially when I'm angry or scared, so maybe that's why it's good that I've given things time to settle, but I don't regret anything I've done after waiting to figure out what I'm really thinking.

Sorry for the wall of text and I hope some of it makes sense. Now I'm laughing because my fiance doesn't know any of the stuff above but a bunch of internet people do!

[Antisocial_Worker]

Is it just the guy or are there other things in your life (or even your entire life) that you feel this hopeless about? That sounds exactly like something I would say when I'm depressed.

Pretty much it's just this guy. I have wanted and wanted and wanted this -- a serious, stable, committed relationship -- for my entire adult life and now that I have it, I don't want it. I obsess over his flaws and convince myself I've made a mistake, and that he can't be the one for me. But yet, because I was sure before, sure enough to convince him to sell off his life and move two states up to me, I'm stuck with him. What kind of a monster would I be if sent him away at this point?

[trailerparkmedic]

It's like being caught in a storm and it just rages on and on. Why can't I be happier? Why can't I be happy at all? I don't get it.

Is it just the guy or are there other things in your life (or even your entire life) that you feel this hopeless about? That sounds exactly like something I would say when I'm depressed.

[Antisocial_Worker]

I have my moments when I'm okay with everything, although I keep thinking about the other guys who are interested in me. I wonder "what if?"

It's like being caught in a storm and it just rages on and on. Why can't I be happier? Why can't I be happy at all? I don't get it.

I'm very appreciative of everyone who has left their help or advice. It's been a real lifeline.

[Antisocial_Worker]

I'll try to post some thoughts later when I have more time and privacy. Long story short though, I was doing okay yesterday and then we had a conversation that sent me right back down through the cellar hole.