Erm...wasn't quite sure where else to go tbh...

[Miss_Stress]

Hi all, I was wondering if anybody could help me :/

About a year ago I was diagnosed with mild depression and an anxiety disorder, which I think was due to the years of bullying I had at school I also think this anxiety disorder is why I'm having this problem now.

I have a wonderful boyfriend who has repeatedly told me he wants to marry me when we can afford it, and that he wants children with me. In fact, I've been ill this weekend and he's stayed at my house and looked after me. We've discussed the children, the home we want to live in, and being married. However, I've convinced myself he's cheating behind my back.

He has this ex who isn't on his msn, isn't in his phone and isn't on his email contacts, nor is she on his facebook page. He has always told me that she was a mistake and he hates her - she even spent a month or so threatening him Recently, I came across her facebook as she was a friend of one of my friends (a facebook suggestion thing) and I had a look. She was talking about how much she missed "you" (whoever that is) and she has another internet page which I looked at too. She was talking to someone (who is not my boyfriend) and arranging to meet them after her lessons were finished the next day. The next day I looked on her facebook again and she was in a relationship. I was quite relieved because I thought she was no longer a threat as she had found someone else.

I kept checking it though (this is my anxiety disorder rearing its head again - I have to be 100% sure to be convinced) and she kept posting things like "Not being with you is killing me" and these posts were posted when my boyfriend was at my house with me. I've somehow convinced myself that he's got together with her behind my back and he's seeing her again, even though she met another person in town.

I really need some advice because it's preying on my mind :/ I think my anxiety order is coming into play again and making me be over-cautious and paranoid to an extent. What are your thoughts?

Thanks in advance

[Miss_Stress]

I also want to add that I'm still relatively young and I know I want to be with this man for the rest of my life, but I have been cheated on before and I'm petrified of it happening again, which may explain why I'm thinking these thoughts also I would just like some advice, even if it's telling me not to be silly lol!

[BookstoreEscapee]

Well, it sounds like you are being silly. So stop that.

Have you talked to him about this at all? Getting your insecurities out in the open can give him a chance to respond and reassure you. (Don't do it in an accusatory way, though.)

And stop looking at her Facebook page. Block her, if you have to.

[jnd4rusty]

I will put in my two cents worth. Life is hard especially if you are dealing with depression and low self worth. I would suggest talking to a therapist...it sounds like this young man loves you but you have little confidence in his love. Trust is one of the most important aspects of a relationship and lack of trust can ruin a relationship fast! Your lack of trust in him will show even if you have not expressed it to him, he will eventually catch on and it will cause problems in your realtionship. I can understand the feelings you are having because I have been there, you feel scared, you don't want to lose him and you are trying to see if he is intentionally trying to cheat all the while convinced that he is. You will never be able to go forward in your relationship with him while you have this veil of distrust hanging over your head.

Talking to someone, especially a therapist will help you work through your feelings and help you realize that even though you think they are valid, they are misguided. Learn to trust in yourself and love yourself and honestly the rest will fall into place. I wish you luck!! It does sound that this young man truly loves you and wants to have you in his life long term. Take care!!

[Miss_Stress]

Thank you for the replies he has reassured me but it hasn't convinced me - I think it's because I'm suspicious of people because of the bullying I had

And yes, I have blocked the facebook page this morning, the thought had crossed my mind last night actually lol.

[Jack]

I didn't have a safe and stable childhood either, so I'm not sure whether this is normal or just you and me, but I have similar issues. It's general anxiety over my boyfriend; usually more worried imagining of all manner of things that may happen to separate us, and not so much infidelity specifically. I suspect that it's normal to worry like this during the time when it all means a great deal to you but it isn't cemented yet.

Having no experience or really much indirect knowledge to draw on, I can't advise on what to do, though. I can only offer support as I know how horrible the very thought can feel.

[Magpie]

When we first started dating, I had issues where I was upset with/suspicious of my husband, at a time when I felt I had no reason to be. (I didn't have good reason to be, but the fact that I knew that is what's relevant here). I tried ignoring it (after all, I had no reason to be upset), but it didn't really work. I ended up telling him what the problem was. However, instead of saying "look, what's up here is that I can't trust you on X", I presented him with "I'm upset about this, even though I feel that I oughtn't be." Seeing how as we just hit our one year anniversary (~4 years together), I figure it must have worked reasonably well .

[Jester]

Under normal circumstances, I am one that believes "where there's smoke, there's fire." I.e., if you think he might be cheating on you, there is probably a reason for that.

These are not normal circumstances, and the only "smoke" I can see is from your own imagination. By your own accounting, your boyfriend has done nothing but stand by you and be a wonderful man to and for you. He has done precisely zero to warrant these suspicions, and even the ex-ho of his did nothing to give you any reason to suspect a clandestine affair.

The source of the problem, as you suspected, is YOU. Your fears, your anxieties, your worries, your bad past experiences. This is not to say you are to BLAME, mind you. Just that the problem is internal, not external.

As others have said, I would seek counseling for these anxieties of yours. I also agree with the advice given that you should tell your boyfriend about your fears and anxieties, letting him know that you are not actually accusing him of this, but that these are things your mind is trying to convince you of, overwhelming evidence to the contrary notwithstanding.

If he is the wonderful man you portray him to be, I have no doubt he will be very understanding and supportive of you in this situation, as you two move forward to your future together. Telling him of your fears, opening up to him about this, will not only help you two as a couple, but it may well alleviate some of the fears and anxieties themselves, merely by releasing them from where you keep them locked up.

I hope this helps. I am not really at my most coherent at 742 am.

[Miss_Stress]

Thanks Jack, Magpie and Jester I've talked to him and he says he'll do what he can to help me through it, and I'm going to go back and see the counsellor I first saw when I was diagnosed with my depression and anxiety because she was wonderful.

Thanks everybody for all your answers they've been very helpful

[MaggieTheCat]

Here's a little story to hopefully cheer you up some, since I don't have any advice other than what's already been said.

Notes: The person in this story goes by his first and last initial. For privacy purposes, I'm going to change them. Let's say his first name is Kurtis, and he goes by the initials K.C.

I was dating a guy a while back and staying at his apartment. While he was in the bathroom getting ready for bed, I saw a little pouch on his nightstand that caught my eye. I picked it up and looked inside it, and it had a little pendant in it. The pendant said, "Kurtis and Jane, in love since 2005" (or something very similar, the date may have been different.)

I FREAKED OUT. This guy was supposed to be my best friend (literally, we had known each other for like 12 years before we started dating), what the heck did this mean? He was seeing someone behind my back? Someone he'd been with for years before we got together? How did I not even know about this Jane person?

I asked him about it when he got out of the bathroom. I didn't feel like I had pried somewhere I shouldn't; the pendant was sitting right on his nightstand, next to the bed that he, and I, had been sleeping in together for the last several nights while I was staying with him.

Turns out Kurtis was also the name of one of his college friends who had recently gotten married, to a girl named Jane, and the couples' gift to all their friends who came to the wedding was one of those little pendants. I even remember my boyfriend telling me about the wedding several months before when he went to it, and I still jumped to the wrong conclusion at first before he explained it to me!

The guy I was dating in the story? We're married now, happily so, and I haven't even thought about that incident until I read your story. It made me smile because your guy sounds a lot like my guy, and we're both really happy. I'm glad you've decided to talk to someone about your fears, and I'm sure things will work out between you and your boyfriend.

[Seshat]

You're doing right.

You're analysing the situation, and figuring out whether the problem is internal or external.
You're admitting to him how you feel, and what you think is the reason.
And you're seeking help, and working on it.

As long as you're careful how you word it when you talk to him about your fears, I figure a good man will be understanding, loving, and respect you for working on them!

My own partner knows about my problems so well that I can just say "I'm jealous again, love" and he'll go into nurture mode and help me root it out THIS time.

Fortunately, the more we dig into the problems and sort them out, the less frequent the episodes are becoming.