graggh! (family/bs rant, little adulty)

[Caffienated_Caramel]

Before I go into full rant here's some info or you wont get it.

Background with A (current bf): I've known him since middle school. We have always got along. Hell we dated at 14. We went to different HS's and pretty never saw each other.
After graduation I went into the military( and met J, th now ex but awesome friend still) and didn't hear from him til like 2005 ( I was out by then).

And then didn't hear him again until 2008 (by then I was in VA, months before I joined this forum and I was head over heels with J) But we talked a lot after that. Like every week to two weeks. And he told me I was the most sane gf he ever had (he went out it crazies).

In 2009 J gets shipped off to England and I pretty much had no choice but to come back. BUT I only wanted to come back if I got to live with A (Did NOT wanna live with family). I did for awhile, I was happy, but bleh. And one thing he told me was he didn't want our relationship based off sex. (Not sure whether I should feel special about it or not. But I've claimed abstinence)

Then I had to move out and live with family (too many ppl in the apartment, FUCK!). Since then we would talk on the phone but due to his job we don't get to see each other much. (even after graduation) But when we do get together we would have fun.

-- ok NOW rant--

So today at my dad's BBQ before the guests arrived he talked about me finding a job to support myself. Amongst other stuff. And lately I've just been feeling tired of a lot of things.

Tired of feeling dependent on other ppl.
Tired of feeling unwanted in the job world. (Due to hating being around strangers)
Most of all: tired of my mom telling me "bf is gonna get the job and the house and will marry you!"

No he wont. She doesn't know that. I don't know that. And I don't care. The dream I once had when I was a little girl, to get married, be a house wife and have kids is pretty much gone.

After the abortion and a lot of thinking, that desire shattered. And being separated from J TWICE! The one person who has been with me through my worst times. The one man who still makes me smile and knows all my dirty little secrets. The one person who I wish I could spend the rest of my life with (not current bf).

After being separated from J a second time, I stopped seeing myself in the white gown.

Mom insists that I give A more time. Why? Why should I? He's a great friend to laugh with and play video games with and watch a sport together (Even though I'll be confused). Its not the same.

Srsly I don't even see myself in a career! (except killing ppl or getting paid to tell people off)

But after being at the BBQ, one thing came to mind: I got to get out of here. BUT the only thing thats holding me back is no money. I must get a job. I don't care if its a slave driven one. But anything to gtfo of my state and get help from one person who I know who could help me reclaim something I had lost a long time ago.

My independence.

But I know if I want to claim something. Something MUST go. To me its my relationship with A. I can't handle being in a long distance relationship again. And waiting for Prince charming to come rescue me from my prison.

Shoulda kept my thoughts/plans to myself cuz when I told dear mum. She threw a HUGE fit. Saying I'm being unfair to A, he's doing all this stuff for the person he wants to be with. True he is trying to find a stable career (now that he's graduated college) and get the house, and be stable enough to find the wife. But the chances are that its me. Yea... I don't believe in happily ever afters anymore.

I know this sounds bad. But I Only trust the ka-ching. And its even better when I'm the one earning it.

I do care about my family. Though its my dad's side that the stable side. Mom's side is a whole new ball game. I love mom, but...there are times I want to hit her. Over and Over and Over. And scream SHUT UP! I can't bring myself to do that...

I feel a little bit at a loss. I don't see myself having children, getting married or a stable career! Hell I don't see myself having sex anymore! (cept with silicone). The only thing I really see in few years if it keeps going like this: Is an itty bit box/urn.

[BarbieGirl]

Well if you don't particularly care where you go I have an idea. Americorps, They are pretty much in every major city and have a few different programs but all are service oriented. The program I did was working like a TA in a school district helping kids get to their grade level in reading and math. Did that m-th and every friday we either had training or a service project in the city. During the summer we ran summer schools for the low income areas. You don't get paid much, I did it 99-01 and got $850 a month before taxes, but if you're living alone you get food stamps and cheap housing, a lot of our members lived in an apartment complex and only had to pay $25/month for a 1 bed 1 bath. Plus after you complete the 11 months and (1400?) hours (basically 40 hour work weeks) we got education awards of $4500.00 that could be used at any college.
If working in schools aren't your thing they have some programs that work with the red cross and go help with disaster relief on a local and national level.

Generally they will interview you over the phone so you know that you have the job before you move out there. Now is a good time to start looking into it if you are interested as they run september to july with august off.


Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

[Evil Queen]

Tell me if I'm reading you right, you are currently dating A but want to be with J.

So... you're staying with A because it's convenient? Girl, man up and tell that boy the truth. If A really is thinking you guys are in this great relationship when you're not then you have some MASSIVE explaining to do and you're NOT being the Independent person you think you are and want to be. You're toying with someone's emotions and that's just plain cruel.

Go back into the military and grow a pair.

[Caffienated_Caramel]

And I'm not eligible to re-enlist because I tried to kill myself, in the eyes of the military I was a danger to myself and to others out at sea.

I can't even comment any further without getting too emotional.

[trailerparkmedic]

And I'm not eligible to re-enlist because I tried to kill myself, in the eyes of the military I was a danger to myself and to others out at sea.

I can't even comment any further without getting too emotional.

Have you gotten help for this? From what I'm hearing, you have lost your dreams, all motivation, any goals you had in life, even your sex drive. Now you don't seem to care what happens.

And waiting for Prince charming to come rescue me from my prison.

From what I understand, you are sick of waiting for A and so J is looking like your escape, your easy answer to fix everything. Men aren't going to solve your problems.

You sound lost and confused and upset. You need to get some help with that before making any decisions about men.

I had a lot of issues in my early 20s (makes me sound old... I'm only 26 now). I filled the emptiness with food and men. Neither is a good solution. Don't be like me.

I feel a little bit at a loss. I don't see myself having children, getting married or a stable career!

That's ok if you really have changed your mind. Not everyone wants kids/marriage/stablity. My father changed jobs from sales to doing taxes to respiratory therapist in the span of 5 years and we did fine. One of my friends got a degree, worked for two years, then quit to stay at home with her kids. The oldest is about to go to college and she still has no desire to go back to work. One of my best friends has a kid and has been with the same guy for 15 years but has no desire to get married. Plenty of people on this board have NO desire to have children. Not wanting to fit social norms is OK.

The real question is if this is what you really want or if you've just given up because you think they are unattainable.

The only thing I really see in few years if it keeps going like this: Is an itty bit box/urn.

Honey, this scares me. Don't give up on yourself. Get some help, ignore the boys (tell them you're going through a rough patch and need some time to yourself) and take care of yourself first.

[Caffienated_Caramel]

Update: After bawling my eyes out, Talking to both of them, and more bawling my eyes out. (I still am, trying to take deep breaths I'm trying not to let my own mom and gram see me cry)

I actually don't love J on the romantic lvl I once had with him. But in the past 5 months being back in home state and him coming back from england, the times we talked on the phone he would say "I miss you, I wish you were here. You're the only person I can see myself with. But we can't be together cuz military gets in the way." Thats one way to mess with my emotions when I'm trying to date someone else. And who proposed to me twice in the past 6 years and fell through. (I finally told him to knock it off)

But his answer: Find your own happiness. Get away from mom (somehow). Don't disappear.

A's answer: Look out for my own well being and happiness. Though he would like me to stay in the state. Do what I need to do to make myself happy.

Have you gotten help for this? From what I'm hearing, you have lost your dreams, all motivation, any goals you had in life, even your sex drive. Now you don't seem to care what happens.

I did when those suicide thoughts resurfaced last year when I was in VA. But not here in home state. I need to get some form of help thats communal. Anger management is a given, I have a very violent temper. Coupled with depression.

Now I show my history with mom: From since I was born, mom was a housewife, raising my older sister and myself, doing the housework and having dinner ready when he got home. For my entire life thats exactly what I saw myself doing. To be the housewife to whoever I marry. (Parents divorced when I was 7)

Mom still thinks this way, that women should not be working. But in the world we live in now, it requires two people to support one another and/or a family. If I try to mention a thing like not getting married and having my life to live, she flips!

I don't wish to be separated from A, even if we stay friends. But I need to look out for myself. And break away from all influences of who is right and who is wrong (family wise cuz mom is bashing the 'Miss independent' right now which is Dad's side)

*long breath* The first step I know to take, is get that god damn job! From there...whoa nelly its making my head spin.

[Primer]

First things first: I seriously hope you are getting medical attention for the major depression I am reading in you. You sound just like me when I was your age. Hang in there, and good luck with everything!

[Solumina]

It does sound like professional help would do you a lot of good and right now it doesn't sound like you are in the right place to be romantically involved with anyone. By all means keep both A and J as friends but you need to figure out you a little bit before you are capable of having a healthy relationship.

[Seshat]

Classic depression symptoms. The VA should still have you in their files as a veteran, so you should be able to get treatment through them, if noone else.

I don't see this as a good time in your life to commit to either A or J - as others have said, keep them as good friends at this point. Once the depression is treated, reconsider.

The Americorps idea someone suggested sounds good. Something that often helps a depressive who's lost motivation but is physically healthy is a job - or a volunteer thing - that really helps other people.

For the sake of getting the medical care, I'd suggest you stay in the States, but hunt around the charities. A physical job would be ideal, if you can support it, but go around every charity you can find that you approve of and see if they need staff.

Even if you don't get a paying job with a charity, check your list and volunteer. Walk dogs for the SPCA. Cook in a soup kitchen. Rip out exotic weeds and plant native flora in a wilderness renewal project. Become a volunteer guide at your local zoo.

(Even if you're not physically fit, there are voluntary jobs you can do. The SPCA needs people to just sit in the same cage as the shyest dogs and cats, and teach them that not all humans are dangerous. And almost every charity needs admin staff!)

If you don't get work in charities you support, go through your local businesses and find ones that do things you deem necessary and worthwhile. Apply for jobs in order from most-worthwhile to 'the hell with it'.

But it does sound to me like your most urgent task is to get the ball rolling on the mental health issue.