Paternal problems.

[ArenaBoy]

Before I start, I love both my parents. They've been great to me throughout my life and I am lucky to have them. Like every other person, we've had our spats and all but eventually we manage.

My dad has a problem communicating any frustrations he has. It's been a constant thing for him. Every now and then if something frustrates him and he can't do anything about it he just goes into a fit of rage. Last week when he was visiting me he started shouting, complaining about how people get to make choices on their own and how he had to go to work.

Now, I have my mom and little sister visiting me because he had another fit of rage on their way home. I don't know what it was about but all I do know was that he decided to walk home and my mom and sis came here to let him cool off.

I'm starting to get annoyed with his temper. It's pissing me off that he gets a pass for going mad and shouting at anyone within earshot yet if I shouted I got told off for it. I don't know if he's starting to lose it (He's only 50) or if there is something that's pissing him off but don't know what.

I'd fully understand if he's mad at something but for me this has gone far enough. I want this to stop because we're on edge when we're talking to him.

If anyone has suggestions that would be greatly appreciated, I want it to end now.

[r2cagle]

He needs to be checked by his doctor.

Many physiological changes can bring on severe mood swings and changes in temperament.

[Mishi]

I second r2cagle's advice, but I don't know how you're going to get him to a doctor for a full workup. Since with your father it's a long-term problem, I'd also suggest trying to get him to talk to some sort of counsellor as well as seeing the doctor. Good luck!

[Seshat]

Another thing you can do which will help when he's around you, is to refuse to tolerate it.

If he goes into a rage around you, leave. Leave the room, leave the event, just leave. Tell him you'll talk to him when he's behaving like a civilised human being.

If he's actually physically frightening, you must be prepared to talk to the police, and have him required to do anger management training. Physical risk is not something you can simply tolerate.

Also, if this has been going on all your life, you and your siblings should seek counselling.

[Solumina]

I wont try and guess what could be wrong because this is dangerous and you shouldn't wait and see if any more of his actions follow one pattern or the other. All that I know is that this is not a normal expression of anger and he needs to get some professional help because this is causing harm (if not physical then psychological) to your whole family and will most likely only get worse. I wish you the best, but I fear a hard road ahead.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

They call you down on it becuase they don't want you going down that road, too. It is going to be really easy for you to slip into that habit and become him. Thank them for stopping you now, before it becomes too ingrained in you to stop.

I agree that he may to see a doctor, although if it is something he has always done his whole life, the escalation is probably due to the growing lack of patience people get when they get older. A doc's visit would not hurt.

Agreed that you should not tolerate it, though. Just walk away when he starts up. Don't argue with him, don 't engage him, don't reason with him. If you get an opporutunity to talk to him when he is calm and reasonable, do that, but do not bother when he is having a tantrum.

My own father, whom I love dearly and who is a wonderful person, can be a bit of a baby about things, too. His thing is political ranting and also he also does and says things he shouldn't and then gets defensive and outraged when you call him on his shit. He is impossible to talk to when he is like that. However, you can talk to him when he is in one of his more open, calm moods and it often ts results.

Just don't feed the monster. Good luck!

[Seshat]

They call you down on it becuase they don't want you going down that road, too. It is going to be really easy for you to slip into that habit and become him. Thank them for stopping you now, before it becomes too ingrained in you to stop.

RK is right, except that I think this behaviour is never 'too ingrained to stop'. It can, however, become 'too ingrained to stop without help and a lot of work'.

Your father needs that help, a lot of work, and a reason to do that work. If you - and especially your mother and sister as well - start leaving when he gets angry, he'll have a reason. Hopefully it will be enough of a reason.

You (and probably your sister and mother) would benefit from help yourselves. You and your sister have been 'taught' that your father's style of anger is 'acceptable' through having a parent do it. You need help learning better ways to deal with anger. And all three of you have had to walk on eggshells and be, if not afraid, at least wary of a loved one. That's not healthy either.

Your local police or your local library will know of places to get anger-management and family-of-angry-people support and classes and so forth. Get in touch with them. Even if your father refuses to go, the rest of you should.

[tollbaby]

I don't know, but if you figure it out, can you let me know? My dad's the same way, except maybe more of an ass.