Having trouble dealing with emotions (warning: long and emotional)

[NiennasMaid]

Just a little background: I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and have struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was about 11. </background>

I have always been a very emotional person: I feel things deeply, and they stay with me a long time. But thanks to my good Midwestern upbringing, I have a very difficult time showing my emotions. When I was a kid, I was different from most of the kids in town: I liked reading and other geeky pursuits (I was the only Star Wars fan I knew) and had an extremely hard time making friends. When I finally went to college and moved to an urban area, it was like stepping into a whole new world: there were people who not only read books, but read the same ones that I did! They liked Star Wars! They liked Dune! I began the difficult process of building friendships.

Which brings us to the present day. My current group of friends are people I've known for 7-10 years. I see my core group of friends at least once a week, go to church with several of them, and am godparent to my best friend's first kid. I love my community, and the thought of having these friends leave...well, suffice to say it would pretty much destroy my world. And I've come to realize that in the next 5-10 years, they are all going to leave. They hate the city, and want to move somewhere quieter (a desire I really do not understand: quiet means nothing to DO). In addition to that, my church (where I've been a member for almost 10 years--more than a third of my life) is going through a difficult time, and people are taking sides, and watching the community splinter is breaking my heart.

I'm not coping with this well AT ALL. Every time i think about it, or my friends make a comment about moving, or anything like that, I feel my chest tighten up, and a sharp stabbing pain in my throat as my body shuts down on tears that are trying to come out. One set of friends is moving, and I can't seem to cope with it at all. I do ok in public, but the thought of being left alone again will later reduce me to curling up in a fetal position on my bed, trying to drown out the cacophony of voices in my head that tell me that being alone is what I deserve, what I should expect. I would rather die than be alone like that again, and sometimes I even consider taking those drastic measures.

It all came to a head last night: I was working on a simple project, and got frustrated when I couldn't figure on part of it out. Since I allowed myself to show anger over a trivial thing, it was like poking a hole in a dam, and all of the emotions over the bigger things started to push through, and I ended up having a rather dramatic meltdown. But today, things are back to normal, and I still can't find a way to express the anger, fear, loneliness, and grief that are there. I've tried breaking things, but that just makes me feel horrible later (even if what I broke was useless), wishing I could undo it.

I just don't know how to safely express my emotions, without hurting my friends or damaging property.

[Seshat]

I like to express my negative emotions separately from most of my human interactions.

With only my closest friends, I'll sometimes cry or cling to them to express sadness and anxiety. I have a cuddletiger (a soft toy) I clutch sometimes when the anxiety is too great. Of course, sometimes I have a full-blown panic attack and end up in a corner too terrified to do anything.

Anger and the other dangerous emotions, I handle by beating the CRAP out of pillows and bedding. The plus side is that they end up nicely fluffed!
We also have a punching bag out the back, and gardens that needed to be weeded (sometimes violently).

Painting, sculpture, and journal writing help many people. Kneading any yeast dough can be a very soothing way to handle frustration or anger, and the resultant baked goods can help with recovering from the aftermath.

It will also help you to discuss your concerns with your friends. Including telling them what your experience of 'somewhere quieter' has been.

[ArcticChicken]

You might look into Re-evaluation Counseling.

A lot of my friends and family use it to help them. While I don't agree with all their theory, the basic methods are sound. You essentially get a safe place to cry and work through your emotions, and you never have to see the people outside of RC.

[NiennasMaid]

I appreciate the suggestions, I really do! Unfortunately, journaling has never been a success for me (can't seem to keep with it, or dig deep enough to write out anything about the stuff that's really bothering me). A punching bag or yoga or something like that might help a little with the anger, but I don't think it'll help the sadness at all. The anger, I think, is just a symptom; the grief is the real cause and I don't know how to express it or deal with it.

I'm so afraid of becoming one of those people you hear about, the ones who have good friends and a lot of potential, but in the end just can't defeat their "personal demons," and end up throwing it all away. I don't want that to happen, but at the moment, that's where it looks like this story is headed. Nothing anyone says or does makes a difference for long, and the darkness always closes in again. There's a set of train tracks on my walk home from work, and there are heavy freight trains passing by every hour. I sometimes think about how easy it would be just to quickly step onto the tracks: it'd certainly be quick. I don't think I'd actually do it (for one thing, even if I did decide to take myself out, I wouldn't want to do it in a way that would make someone else feel responsible--that's just sick), but the thought is always there when I see those tracks.

To quote Firefly, "Sometimes a thing gets broke, can't be fixed." I wonder sometimes if that's me.

[Exaspera]

This is not good, Niennas. You need help now. Do you have a therapist whom you can call? I am not good with words, but this is really an issue that needs a professional. You will be seeing change always, it's our only constant. And maybe you can't get "fixed," what is that really, anyway? But you can become serene and balanced. You really can!

Will you please call someone? Will you please keep us apprised?

[Seshat]

Classic depression, Niennas.

And depression is actually fairly easily treated - but you MUST seek help. At the level of depression you're at, it's very difficult for a person to get out of it themselves. It's like a deep hole in sand or mud - if someone tosses you a rope or drops a ladder down, you're fine. But trying to get out of it by yourself, you're stuck and you just keep dropping more of it onto yourself.

The good news is that humans have been treating each other for depression for millennia. If you're religious, your priest/rabbi/imam can help you. A wise friend who can provide a listening ear can help you.

However, since you're thinking about throwing yourself under a train, I would be very, very remiss if I didn't send you to a doctor. A GP can provide you with medical support - basically, drugs to help lift your mood enough to get you past 'suicidal' and help you focus enough to learn some coping techniques.

The GP should also recommend you to a psychologist, who can/should teach you the coping techniques; and also help you with the circumstances which have driven you to this level of depression.

BE WARNED:
Psychoactive drugs are still a new thing for humanity. We don't yet know enough about the neurochemistry of the brain to be certain about how some of them function.
We can't actually get blood from inside a brain without drilling a hole in the skull: and there's a blood-filter that means the blood in a brain is different from the blood in a body. Doctors can do a simple blood test to see how most drugs are functioning in the body - they can't do that with the brain! (Not without the aforementioned hole.)
So prescribing the correct psychoactive drug to a patient is a bit of a 'try this, see how it works - hm, that one isn't right? Okay, try this one...' scenario.

On the plus side, almost as many people get depression during their lifetime as catch a cold. IE: nearly everyone. So we have a LOT of data on which antidepressants work for whom, and under what circumstances.

You'll probably be prescribed one of the antidepressants that works for 'nearly everyone', at its lowest dose. It will take between four and six weeks to take effect (sorry, but that's psychoactives for you - they're all like that), then you should feel some of the sadness lift.

At your level of sadness, it probably will be enough to make you less unhappy, rather than enough to make you at least 'neutral'.

Also note: antidepressants are just that. They help make you less-unhappy. They don't make you happy. (Euphorics make you happy - but most euphorics have nassssssty side effects; like psychological addiction, or a reduced ability to feel natural happiness. So we almost never use euphorics.)

So there's your long-term solution. We have several threads here in Life Advice and also in the advice subforum of General Work Chat that cover depression, and show you the progress of others in this community who have sought medical assistance with it.


In the short term: pop by the local shops, pick up a child's painting kit and a cheap child's scrapbook. Put on old clothes, lay some newspaper out, and PAINT. Just feel the grief, and let it flow into the paint. Let it flow into the colours you choose, the shapes you choose, everything.

It doesn't matter how dark or ugly the paintings are. That's your grief, given expression.

You've been holding it back for so long that one session almost certainly won't be enough - and that in giving it permission to flow, you'll probably end up curled up in a little ball of misery and tears. THAT'S OKAY.

If I were able to physically be there with you, I'd wrap you in a blanket, give you a box of tissues, and just sit with you until you were ready to come out of it. Since I won't be, I will assure you here: you *will* come out of it. And you'll probably be red-eyed, and a bit sick-feeling, and fit to do nothing but go to sleep. But some of the grief will be expressed.

Do it again in two days' time. Then again, two days after that.

Over time, the paintings will be less dark. And the after-painting grief sessions will be shorter and shorter, and you'll be less and less miserable afterwards.

I've seen this myself, many times. I've DONE it myself. You have a lot of bottled up grief to express, and if you don't express it, it will keep making you sick. But once it's been expressed, it'll be gone, and you'll be healthier.

It's a bit like letting the yuck out of a boil or a cyst - once it's gone, and the body's had time to clean it up, the whole body is healthier.

One last thing: keep the paintings, if you can bear to. Even if you don't ever look at them again yourself. Take them with you to the counselling/psychologist session, and let the counsellor have a look at them. It'll be a useful diagnostic tool for her. And the progression of them over time will help her see your progress and help her fine-tune her program to suit you, personally.

(If you find writing a journal more useful than the paintings, take a journal. If you end up playnig music instead, and can bear to record it, a recording of the music. Etc, etc.)

Good luck. Keep us informed.

[trailerparkmedic]

Just a little background: I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder

Most of the time bipolar disorder is considered a chronic disease, like diabetes (or a zillion others, but this is one you're probably familiar with). Most people with diabetes need medication. Some need life long medication, some need medication for a short time, a few can get by with diet and exercise modifications. Regardless of where you fall in the "need medication" spectrum of bipolar disorder (and like diabetics, most need some form of medication), you still need to be under the care of a doctor, even when you are feeling ok and especially when you're not.

I'm guessing you've been manic before? I bet you felt GREAT then but were in dire need of help. Now that you feel bad, shouldn't you get just as much help?

[Der Cute]

I'm so afraid of becoming one of those people you hear about, the ones who have good friends and a lot of potential, but in the end just can't defeat their "personal demons," and end up throwing it all away. I don't want that to happen, but at the moment, that's where it looks like this story is headed. Nothing anyone says or does makes a difference for long, and the darkness always closes in again. There's a set of train tracks on my walk home from work, and there are heavy freight trains passing by every hour. I sometimes think about how easy it would be just to quickly step onto the tracks: it'd certainly be quick.

When a person has recurring thoughts about suicide or ending a life or just quitting, there's an imbalance in the brain. It's a form of depression, some chemicals in the head are wonky.

If your grief is so big its eating you up, get the help. We cannot help you get the 'best' tools for dealing with it - we can point you in a general direction and nudge you (read Dave's thread) but you have to do the work.

Being this far into depression/doom/gloom/assmagnet on couch - it's a real bitch to get through it. Because I already take anti depressants, it's a waiting game for me....--------_________------ like that. I am ok ok ok DIPDIPDIP ok ok ok.

You're more like meh meh meh DARK DARK CAVE DARK DARK ...where's the end.

Do you have insurance? Use it. Do you not? Call 211 in your county and find if you can get some help, sliding scale?

I hope you find the energy to go get the help, because you're worth it.

At nite, think of at least 5 things you're good for. And at least 5 things you enjoyed that day.
1.baking
2. cooking
3. intelligence
4. compassion
5. snuggling

1. sunshine
2. saw a rainbow
3. snuggled with kitty for a good hour
4. went for a drive and enjoyed it
5. ate some damn good chocolate

and learn to find positive things in your day. Sometimes it's the only thread you've got to hold on to.

Cutenoob

[42_42_42]

You're having panic/anxiety attacks. I've had them. They're very unpleasant.

If you are not currently under the care of a psychiatrist and a therapist, you need to be. If you are, you need to update both on your current state of mind.

[Seshat]

Cutenoob is right. (as usual)

Most peoples' moods go like this.

---^^^^^^------______-----^^^^^-----______-----



^^^^^ is 'happy' in some level - anything from 'oh, I just saw a nice flower' to 'ohmigod I just got a part on Dr Who!'

---- is 'okay, serene, content'. Some are even kind of happy during that phase.

_____ is 'unhappy' at some level, usually something like 'meh, it's not a good day'. Crying-level unhappy is usually a once or twice a week sort of occurance, I'm told. (Short of deliberately seeing weepy movies.)
Actual grief-level unhappy is supposed to be rare.




My moods - and Cutenoob's, and Whiskey's, and several others' here - follow the same shape. But for us (without medication):

^^^^ is 'meh, it's not as bad as usual'.

------ is 'sad sad sad depressed pissed off don't wanna do anything bleargh sad sad'

_____ is anything from 'DARK DARK DARK DEPRESSED DARK MISERABLE' to 'CAVE OF DESPAIR THERE'S NO WAY OUT I WANNA DIE'





WITH medication and help, I'm actually at

^^^^^^ 'meh' with occasional bursts of 'oooh, pretty rainbow. Happy.'

--------- 'sad-meh' or 'anxious-meh' or 'scared-meh' to 'don't wanna do anything'

______ 'sad sad sad depressed pissed off don't wanna do anything bleargh sad sad'.


My doctor has referred me to a psychiatrist - both he and my family believe I can be improved from this point.


If you're any worse than me-with-medication, you deserve help. Heck, even me-with-medication, my doctor tells me I deserve further help.

[Whiskey]

My moods - and Cutenoob's, and Whiskey's, and several others' here - follow the same shape. But for us (without medication):

^^^^ is 'meh, it's not as bad as usual'.

------ is 'sad sad sad depressed pissed off don't wanna do anything bleargh sad sad'

_____ is anything from 'DARK DARK DARK DEPRESSED DARK MISERABLE' to 'CAVE OF DESPAIR THERE'S NO WAY OUT I WANNA DIE'

Dont forget the classic

^^^^^ "I'm getting a PhD, a porsche, a husband/wife, a brand new house, and a pool boy by tomorrow!" mood.

That mood is awesome till it goes away :\

Heck, even me-with-medication, my doctor tells me I deserve further help.

Yeah, this too. Medication is a starting point, you still need to work on the underlying things that exacerbate the issue.

[trailerparkmedic]

Dont forget the classic

^^^^^ "I'm getting a PhD, a porsche, a husband/wife, a brand new house, and a pool boy by tomorrow!" mood.

That mood is awesome till it goes away :\

Pool boys? Where are the pool boys?? I want some pool boys!!

The trouble with being bipolar is that you still have a range, like normal people, but often that range fluctuates between "I'm on top of the world and life is GREAT and I'm moving at the speed of light" and "Cave of Despair." The lows are often longer and more frequent than the highs. The hard part is realizing that neither extreme is normal and learning to work with that.

OP, please get some help.

[Seshat]

I've never experienced that one, Whiskey. I'm depressive-only, not bipolar.

Even on my wedding day.
Even when I got a book contract.
Even when I held my published book in my hands for the first time.


I don't get reward out of life. I can cuddle a kitten, look at a gorgeous sunset, achieve the results of a year's solid work, and it's all - well - flat. Meh.


Thus, my doc wanting me to see a psychiatrist. It's out of his skill set to fix.

[NiennasMaid]

Sorry for th delay in replying: work has continued its downward spiral, and I come home completely beat every night.

the worst of the darkness has lifted, for the moment: not really feeling an uncontrollable urge to step in front of the train, but it's still there in the back of my mind.

I have been on medication before, and it did help. I learned to figure out where my emotional "floor" was, so I could tell when I was ok and when I'd dropped into my mental basement. Even now, in the darkest of times, I know where my floor is, even if it feels like it's miles above my head. It's somewhat helpful.

But the thing is, there are real emotional and relational problems that I need to deal with before medication will be effective enough. I really need to come to grips with my fears of rejection and abandonment, and try to learn that people really do love me (I have no idea how to deal with that).

I really wish I could tell my friends how bad things have gotten lately--I tried a little, but I don't know if I really communicated it clearly. I'm so tired of being alone. Tired of everyone around me having more important things to do. Tired of being tired (my mind races, and I haven't gotten more than 5 hours of sleep most nights in months)

I'm just holding on, and desperately praying that something changes, that I find someone who can help me get better, before it's too late.

[Der Cute]

Nienna,

What I'd do is find a doc (either PCP or psych) and get going on meds.

My opinion is that depression is best treated w/ a 2 pronged approach: Drugs and Psych Help.
But the catch is that if your brain is all wonky, what good does Psych Help do?

I'd go to the doc, get on the drugs (give it 2 weeks, ok?) and get your overall mood elevated. Once that's uplifted a bit, start the psych therapy. Keep the psych doc involved w/ the drug levels, and it may require tweaking. Along with the therapy, you should be tootling down Road Towards Being Better soon.

Don't put this off saying "I have emo problems, fix that first" Nuh uh.. Get the chemicals in your brain more stable THEN treat the emo stuff.

Good luck, and you also sound like you've got a bit of anxiety.

www.livestrong.com has some good stuff on dealing with this shit at home. You CAN do homework and psych work and drug work, it helps you along.


PS you dont wait for someone to find you, the knights on white horses have gone on strike, their union reps are waiting for the Princess to give them a raise. You have to get off your tookus and go FIND the docs to help you. It's super hard when depressed, because the assmagnet is very strong. But look @ dave.. He did it.

Check in here in a few days, ok?

Cutenoob