Am I being selfish? (slightly long and a bit ranty)

[Solumina]

J’s family seems to think so and I really don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but at the same time I think I deserve to have what I want for my own wedding day. As it is I want a very small wedding, originally I was asking for immediate family and a MoH and best man, that was it but J really wanted a big wedding so I explained why I wanted so few people (because I have a compulsion to hide any “weaknesses” in front of people that I don’t feel 100% comfortable around and I know that I will either be mad at myself for crying in front of everyone or I’ll just shut down emotionally because honestly the only thing I ever pictured about my wedding was being given away by my father, and I know that I wont be able to handle his absence) so he and I sat down and talked about what we could do to include people but still let me feel like I can safely express myself. What we decided was to include a little bit more family (grandparents and god parents) and add a few more friends to the wedding parties (so now we each have 4 people standing with us) for some extra emotional support and then have a wedding celebration with about 200 people the following day (when I think I will be able to be a bit more emotionally stable) and recite our vows before our first dance so that people can really feel like it is a celebration of the marriage instead of just a really nice party.

Initially this idea wasn’t really accepted by J’s parents, who wanted a full Catholic wedding but once I explained why I didn’t just want but felt like I really needed such a small wedding they kind of came around (or at least his father did and his mother gave up pressuring me to change anything). Well apparently being okay with it doesn’t mean that his mother will explain to her family (though his father has explained to his without any problems) why we are having separate events or that she will stop telling us when her family members tell her that if they are not invited to the wedding ceremony then we shouldn’t bother inviting them to the celebration, as her brother’s wife did last night. I'll admit we haven’t formally explained to everyone what a wedding celebration is, I figured if we told our parents, our siblings, and our MoH and best man then people could go to if they needed clarification or people could call us directly if they were not familiar with the concept. Many people in my family were a bit confused but once we explained things they were all very supportive and I haven’t had to field any complaints from mom’s side or dad’s side (despite the fact that the future MIL keeps saying that Catholics don’t view weddings the same way that my family does even though my fathers family is all Irish Catholic from Boston, just like their families), the same is true of J’s father’s side so all of the problems are with J's mother’s side and I just don’t get it.

I don’t want to be responsible for causing problems in the family (I know that some of them can really hold grudges) and I know that as it stands they think I am being selfish by not including them in the ceremony but on the other hand don’t I deserve to be happy on my wedding day? And don’t I deserve at least a little support from the MIL? Or is a wedding really more about the whole family than about the couple actually making the vows and should I just suck it up to avoid problems? But even if I did at this point that would just cause problems because my family knows how important this is and they will resent me getting pushed around like this, especially since the two families haven't really met each other. Gah I just don't know what to do

[Exaspera]

It doesn't look like you're being a Bridezilla, and it's your day so you do what you want to do. Who is paying for this? MIL? I doubt it.

[Solumina]

Actually his parents are paying for the venue the day of since we have so few people and it is at a vineyard with a restaurant they are treating us as a small party so it is only a flat $500 plus the cost of food (which they are getting instead of having a rehearsal dinner) but we only accepted that money after they assured us that it came with no strings. My mother and I are paying for the flowers and decorations (not much since the place is already quite charming) and my outfit (which I will also be wearing for the celebration), and then my mother is paying for the celebration, which is going to be a whole lot more.

[r2cagle]

OR.....
Take your MoH, Best Man, your parents and hubby-to-be... go to justice of the peace... get married, then the following week, do a simple ceremony with everyone like you are planning and call that your 'wedding day' on the invitations. And if ever asked why you celebrate your anniversary a week earlier, it's because that's when you have time to focus on celebrating. To heck with the rest of them.

Or just tell the in-laws that's what you both are going to do if they don't straighten out the rest of the family. Make handling the rest of the family J's parents problem, not yours. Continue on with your plans as you wish, those that matter will be there, and those that don't.... oh well, their loss.

*edit: sorry, didn't mean to sound harsh... just don't accept that burden of guilt... that wedding day belongs to you and your fiance. Anything else is just noise in the wind.

[Exaspera]

OR.....
Take your MoH, Best Man, your parents and hubby-to-be... go to justice of the peace... get married, then the following week, do a simple ceremony with everyone like you are planning and call that your 'wedding day' on the invitations. And if ever asked why you celebrate your anniversary a week earlier, it's because that's when you have time to focus on celebrating. To heck with the rest of them.

Or just tell the in-laws that's what you both are going to do if they don't straighten out the rest of the family. Make handling the rest of the family J's parents problem, not yours. Continue on with your plans as you wish, those that matter will be there, and those that don't.... oh well, their loss.

*edit: sorry, didn't mean to sound harsh... just don't accept that burden of guilt... that wedding day belongs to you and your fiance. Anything else is just noise in the wind.

I stand corrected, thanks r2cagle! Let J handle his family! It's kind of his job, actually.

[Jangles the Moon Monkey]

that wedding day belongs to you and your fiance.

QFT. You're not being selfish, the people that can't accept your plans for your wedding are. Part of me thinks that they're upset they can't celebrate in your big day but most of me thinks otherwise.

When is your wedding? Is it possible to use the excuse that the venue you have is too small for more than you're already having and you can't find anywhere else?

[Der Cute]

This (above) is why I see issues with family paying for stuff in a wedding.

When someone has a vested interest in item, they believe they have power in it.

So, it boils down to what do you want?
Do you really truly want to have a small wedding and only have a few people there? Can you live with a medium sized wedding with more than 10 but less than 100 people?

If you're dead set on small wedding with few people and damn the torpedos, pay for it yourself. If you accept other peoples' money, they are then by default part of the decision making process (albeit yapdog size).

And have J start fending off his parents.

Me: my wedding will be super small, and inviting people I know (who aren't family, tbh) and if anyone wants something different, they can speak to the large bamboo plant in the corner. This is a hill I will die on.

Good luck

Cutenoob

[Solumina]

Thanks guys, you haven't told me anything that my mother hasn't already said but well she is my mother so I did want to get the opinions of some people who aren't really involved in the whole thing.

I also do want to say that J has been doing a good bit of standing his ground with his family (I actually took no part in the conversation with his mom last night as I was not there and he did tell her flat out that if he hears any emotional blackmail from anyone then they should not expect any invitations at all), but standing up to his parents is kind of new ground for him so he is still about as unsure of how to best go about things as I am. I do also want to say that some of his family has really been quite wonderful and accepting, it is just a few people who are voicing objections, they just happen to be really vocal and it sometimes makes me worry that everyone else feels the same but is just to nice or polite to say anything.

[42_42_42]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a small intimate ceremony one day and a larger reception later. It's fairly common when the couple has a "destination wedding", for example. The people who are making a fuss are just being dumbasses IMHO. If they don't want to come to the reception because they aren't invited to the ceremony, their loss.

[Seshat]

Talk to the relatives who have been supportive and understanding. Tell them that there are people in their family who are being vocal and voicing objections, and ask if those supportive relatives think the vocal ones are genuinely speaking for the majority.

The chances are excellent that the supportive relatives will - quite honestly - reassure you that no, those are just the family gossips and/or troublemakers, and to go ahead with your plans as is.

The chances are ALSO excellent that quiet, internal family politics will ensure, and the vocal troublemakers will be silenced. Also that the supportive people will ensure that "Solumina is a bit shy and wants a quiet wedding, but would love to see us all and celebrate the next day" will be spread to those who need to know.

Discuss it with J, find out from him which of the supportive/understanding relatives are most likely to provide the right outcome. You almost certainly won't need to name the objectionable relatives - and it might be most politic not to. Just say that 'some people' are doing it.

[Magpie]

I'm going to go against the tide here. If people aren't going to get to celebrate the wedding, they aren't going to have any reason to want to go to a reception. Not including the families in weddings is becoming more and more common these days, so you can get away with that, but asking people to come to a reception when they didn't get to go to the celebration, is a good way to hurt feelings. If you want it small, keep it small.

I'm not sure what your objection to having a Catholic wedding is, but perhaps you could have that as the compromise you have with your fiance's parents, instead of trying to have half of a big wedding. It will still be a small wedding, because in practice only people who were expressly invited to the wedding show up.

[Jester]

A lot of people would say you are not being selfish. I am going to disagree, and say you are being selfish.

And that that's perfectly okay. After all, it is your wedding, so you are allowed to be a little selfish.

In the end, there are exactly two people's opinions that matter at all when it comes to a wedding, and those two people are the bride and the groom.

So once you and J mutually decide what you want to do, what you are willing to do, and what you are going to do, do it.

The one thing I might say is that if it is going against the tide of J's family members, it might be in everyone's best interest if you and J explain what is going on and why, so that everyone understands.

Personal example: I am not known for not speaking my piece. At my older sister's wedding, I wanted to give a toast. However, the best man, who was the groom's brother, was extraordinarily shy and opted to not give a toast. Since my sister and her husband did not want the best man to feel embarrassed/shown up/whatever, they asked me to forego the toast, and explained why. While I didn't agree with their reasoning per se, the fact was it was their wedding, not mine, and I went with their wishes.

So yeah, do what YOU TWO want to do, but definitely explain the why to people who don't seem to get it.

And don't ever forget that there are times where it is perfectly okay to be selfish.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Personal example: I am not known for not speaking my piece. At my older sister's wedding, I wanted to give a toast. However, the best man, who was the groom's brother, was extraordinarily shy and opted to not give a toast. Since my sister and her husband did not want the best man to feel embarrassed/shown up/whatever, they asked me to forego the toast, and explained why. While I didn't agree with their reasoning per se, the fact was it was their wedding, not mine, and I went with their wishes.

See, I'd be the exact opposite. If one of the "traditional" toast-givers didn't feel comfortable doing so, I would never ask them to (cuz I know if it were my job, I'd have a hard time with it myself). And if someone else wanted to do it instead, I'd say go for it.

[Jester]

See, I'd be the exact opposite. If one of the "traditional" toast-givers didn't feel comfortable doing so, I would never ask them to (cuz I know if it were my job, I'd have a hard time with it myself). And if someone else wanted to do it instead, I'd say go for it.

I agree, but it wasn't my wedding or my choice.

[trailerparkmedic]

Being selfish is expected when you're getting married. As long as you're taking other people's feelings into consideration, you can prioritize your wants. You'll never make two large families happy anyways.

This is the first time you're really interacting with J's family. I would advise politely but firmly standing your ground. How this situation is handled will determine family dynamics for some time and set expectations for your future behavior. I don't think there is anything wrong with being someone who puts the needs of your immediate family (ie you and J) ahead of those on the periphery of the family. My first interactions with my ex's extended family ended up in me being a complete pushover on some pretty important points. We got divorced a few years later, but during those years it was always expected that I would drop any objections I had and go along with the family, since I'd done so before.

Of course, I've also be categorized as a stubborn bitch, so your mileage may vary.