Help! Should I end this relationship?

[Taboo]

So.. I feel really bad even asking this here when other people have more serious problems, but I really need some less biased advice.

So, my boyfriend L. He's 24, I'm 21. We dated for 6 months unofficially. I knew he wanted a relationship but was very hesitant because L is from another country, English is his second language, and we'd had a lot of misunderstandings over language and cultural barriers. I got fed up because I felt like it became more a job than a relationship and we stopped seeing each other. Recently we decided to both give it a shot again.

We've been dating officially for all of three weeks and I already want to run out of this relationship screaming.

L is the single most clingy person I have ever met. He is literally so clingy that when we sit and eat breakfast, he'll be wrapped around me like a boa constrictor... and then if I ask him politely if he could stop until I've finished eating, he whines at me like I've asked him to shoot a puppy. He'll do it in public too. Mornings are the same deal, I get up and when I need to ask him to leave so I can work, he'll sit there and keep on guilt tripping me. It takes me a solid 3-4 hours including me physically trying to PUSH him out of my bedroom to get him to leave. He treats it like it's some sort of joke that I'd want him to leave "so soon." I don't know if it's intentional disrespect or not but I work freelance art and he seems to think that just because it's freelance I should adjust my schedule to his. I get up early and go to bed early to get in as much sunlight as possible since natural light helps with my depression and mood issues, and he knows this, so he is basically killing my ability to work for those 3-4 hours and leaving me so annoyed that I waste another hour or two trying to calm down.

Don't get me wrong, L has his good points, but I feel like there's just a level of immaturity and lack of knowledge about relationships (I'm his first girlfriend) that's more than I can deal with.

Our long term goals don't line up at all either. I want kids and am trying to get into illustrating children's books, and want the whole marriage/kids/house deal one day. He thinks marriage is stupid and genuinely hates kids. I thought at the time that it wouldn't be an issue since I'm only 21 and don't want to be popping out babies for quite a few years, but i think I'm actually starting to feel stuck in a relationship that I already know has no long term potential and I feel like I'm just wasting my time seeing only one person when that person doesn't want the life I do.

I keep wishing I was still single. I've already managed to build up enough anger about this that I don't even want to hug him anymore. I think I'm getting increasingly resentful about everything and it's going to turn toxic. I sat him down and talked to him about the clinginess and how I feel it's disrespectful to hang around when I need to work, and I wanted to give it a few weeks and see if he changed at all, but now I feel like with all the other issues and the lack of longterm potential perhaps I should just end things now...

Guys, what do I do? Give it more time? Break it off? If I break up with him, how should I do it gently? I'm honestly bad at ending things, but I care about him a lot and I don't want to totally crush him. I know that's somewhat unavoidable but... still.

Please help, guys...

[Rapscallion]

I think you've answered your own question.

It's probably better for him if you end it cleanly without any 'perhaps' or 'maybe' involved.

Rapscallion

[Taboo]

I think you've answered your own question.

It's probably better for him if you end it cleanly without any 'perhaps' or 'maybe' involved.

Rapscallion

I may have.

I've been in a string of abusive relationships before though and I just really don't know if I'm overreacting at this point or not. I feel like it's really difficult now for me to get good perspective on my own relationships....

[iradney]

Your future goals don't line up, and he doesn't respect you. Why do I say that? If he respected you, he would work on trying to be more independent, rather than treating you like a heart/lung machine. Maybe you need to be cruel to be kind in order to help any future relationships he'll have.

[Exaspera]

This just sounds bad all the way around. A good relationship does not have issues like this, and he has a lot of growing up to do.

Stay single and go for your goals. And travel.

[trailerparkmedic]

You just filled a post with some very good reasons that this relationship won't work for you. I think that answers your questions right there.

Just because a guy isn't abusive or a jerk doesn't mean he's the right one for you.

I think there are two types of relationships. One is "Let's have some fun!" and one is "Let's do this long-term." Sometimes one turns into the other. I don't think you can have a long term relationship if your life goals are at odds with each other, and it sounds like that is where you are. That alone would be enough for me to end a relationship. I know I'm not the only one who thinks this way--all of my mid-20s friends in long term relationships are getting engaged or breaking up right now, and quite a few breakups are due to different ideas of where their life is going.

[Taboo]

Just because a guy isn't abusive or a jerk doesn't mean he's the right one for you.

Yeah. I think this is mostly why I'm having problems with it, because this is a difficult idea for me still. And I think you guys nailed it, that I need someone who has similar longterm goals even if I don't end up staying with them. I think things are coming to a head with this right now because I got a few invitations to friends' weddings since I started dating L again and it's been a wakeup call...

[Plaidman]

Older men that don't have the normal timeframe for boyfriend/girlfriends (IE, your first girlfriend, even if its just holding hands, tends to be around 12... First kiss too maybe. 14 for sure. 16-18 first sexual encounters even if it isn't full on intercourse), can be very clingy and very stupid. We don't know how to react. We never got the training or learning to do so, and as a result we are just expected to know by the time we are in twenties on how to be with a women in a mature relationship. It sucks, but hey, life sucks.

That being said, you know how you feel. You can't see the future with him. He is too clingy. Dump him. But try to be gentle about it, and not just rip in his heart.

Don't lie to him ether by saying you'll be there as a pal and not do that.


Yeah, he'll be in pain emontionally, but that's the deal with dumping someone who doesn't see it coming. It can hurt. ALOT.

But you need to watch out for yourself.

[Whiskey]

I already want to run out of this relationship screaming.

I didn't really have to read any further than this. If you don't want to be in the relationship in the honeymoon phase (which you're still in, regardless of past relationship), then I would really suggest getting out now.

[Der Cute]

Are you asking "Should I Get Out" or "When I Get Out, How Do I Stop Mr. Clingy?"

You've already presented evidence in a fashion that's persuasive - you're trying to tell us he IS bad and not worth keeping.

So, what all is stopping you? Shame? Social awkwardness? Money? Company?

Cutenoob

[Jester]

L is not a bad person. He is not a bad guy. He is, however, a bad boyfriend for you.

This relationship has no future other than resentment, anger, and a bad ending the longer you put it off. You need to break it off with him, and even if you do it gently, you need to do it firmly.

"I'm sorry, L, but I just do not see a future for us together, and this relationship is not working out for me. I care a great deal about you, but I can no longer date you. I hope you understand. But even if you don't, it's over. We both need to move on and find other people that are more suited to our individual needs and desires."

Do not leave the door open even a crack. Slam it shut, even if you do so politely.

End it. Now. No good can come of this otherwise.

[Taboo]

So, what all is stopping you? Shame? Social awkwardness? Money? Company?

Cutenoob

None of those. I hate hurting people and as much as he is annoying me right now I really do care about him.

I really think the issues with what he's doing are something that he needs more dating experience to work out. And I don't have the patience for it. And I don't think we'd last even if I did.

L is not a bad person. He is not a bad guy. He is, however, a bad boyfriend for you.

Thanks, Jester.

I think the not a bad guy part may be up for debate now as I just found out that he may actually be cheating on me. So it looks like this is through in every possible way.

[Seshat]

This post is from another thread, and targetted to a different person in a somewhat different situation. Be aware that in the first part of the post, I'm talking about things that are important to the other's thread's original poster. (Especially the 2nd and 4th issues.)


But the second part of the post, captioned 'now here's some of my own', applies to just about everyone.

Seshat's advice on choosing a partner

[Der Cute]

None of those. I hate hurting people and as much as he is annoying me right now I really do care about him.

I really think the issues with what he's doing are something that he needs more dating experience to work out. And I don't have the patience for it. And I don't think we'd last even if I did.

Well, sometimes people have to fall on their asses.

You're not being malicious, like planting a land mine on his front porch! You're not doing this because he's got too many nose hairs! You're doing this because you NEED to. To stay sane. To live your life.

So, the next step of this would be the How to get Mr. Clingy off of you.

Be civil, be calm, be honest..but not OMG Your BO drives me nuts and your butt's too big. More like "I really don't think we fit for the long term. And that's what I'm looking for, someone whom I can live with and be a family with. Your values are so different than mine, it's too far of a reach. Values are not something that change - they're ingrained pretty deeply. So I will have to ask you to move out by August 1st 2010."

If he starts kvetching, ignore it; ignore the clingys. Be firm, like you would with a puppy! NO! I am eating! Get your arms off!

Frankly, I think his maturity is more like micro-turity. Dump his behind and find another person.

[Solumina]

In all honesty that sounds like a really unhealthy relationship, boardering on emotional abuse, which I'm betting he is not aware of and he needs to be or it will continue to be a problem in his future. Tell him flat out that when you say that you need to work that is a need and not a want and tell him that when you ask him to stop that means that he needs to stop. If it were just those two things that were causing the relationship to fail then I would say give him a little time and try to work it out but it seems like those are just the day to day issues and there are a lot of other things going wrong (and not all that much going right).