Boy has me confused!

[Lindsey]

So a little background story, maybe 2 months ago a boy added me on Facebook, whom I will henceforth refer to as "Boy". He's going to the same college I am this fall, which is how he found me. So I added him back, and we've been talking in some way nearly every day since.

In the past 2 weeks I've been getting mixed signals.. Boy asked me to go get some food with him sometime after we're both at school, saying that he'd "like that". He also asked me to come to his room for a movie night or afternoon, whichever would make me more comfortable. I accepted both right away, excited to hang out with a new friend as soon as I get there!

But after I said yes, Boy sent me a message reading "I just want to know one thing, where have you been all my life?" When I countered with "I've been wondering the same thing" because I do get along with him incredibly well so far, he replied saying essentially "This is so strange, I feel so connected with you...", "I know I'm crazy, but you had me at hello" (!!!!), "I don't even know what you look like, not that it matters, I'd be into you anyway." (paraphrased, if you want to see the entire message you can PM me).

So I took this as meaning that he's interested in me romantically, and replied accordingly. I like him too, so I replied in no uncertain terms letting him know that I think he's amazing, I like him a lot and feel close to him, and that I'm "into" him too.

Now you're probably wondering where's the confusion, right? At this point I was pretty sure that our "movie night" was going to be a date.

However, after I let him know I liked him, Boy sent me another message. This one let me know that this is a "first" for him, and it's like we're two halves, because we're so dang compatible :P He said "I want you there with me and I'm glad you're going to be."

Again, no confusion, right?

In that same message, he dropped "the friendship we share is going to take us everywhere together..." and said he "can't put a label on this feeling".

So now I don't know if I have a date with him in the fall, or even if he's interested in me that way at all. I think I was pretty clear in that I'm interested in him. I know I won't get a real answer either way until I ask him, but was wondering anyway if any of you have some insight for me in the meantime, or even your thoughts?

[Whiskey]

He wants to have sex with you, but doesn't want a girlfriend or already has one.

[Lindsey]

No girlfriend. I've only known him a short time, but he's religious so I'm inclined to believe he's not so much into random sex. We'll see, I hadn't thought of that.

[trailerparkmedic]

My impression? He is
1) really inexperienced with women so he doesn't know what to say or
2) inarticulate, so he doesn't know how to say what he wants/means or
3) what Whiskey said

[Solumina]

These days being religious doesn't really say much about your sex life, especially when you are entering university.

[Whiskey]

^what Solumina said

Also, I've never met someone who, upon meeting someone on the internet, used that much sensationalism. Ive never met someone who used that much sensationalism period. He seems either entirely too inexperienced (i've never seen you, but we're soulmates ala every romantic comedy) or so incredibly experienced this shit just falls out automatically. It really sounds like hes gauging your reaction and responding appropriately.

Whiskey officially disapproves of this boy. Something isn't right.

[Lindsey]

These days being religious doesn't really say much about your sex life, especially when you are entering university.

Fair enough.

The sensationalism, as you guys put it, doesn't bug me - it strikes me as a little awkward, but doesn't bug me. If I get there and he turns out not to be what I expected, the worst that happens is that I break up with him and it ends there. What bugs me is not knowing if he wants what I want - I don't want to get there and still have no idea where we stand.

Leaning towards inarticulate/inexperienced? I'm going to try to catch him on chat and ask him upfront how he feels and what he wants. Thanks guys!

[Solumina]

Sounds to me that he is more in the mindset of a boy who hasn't been with a whole lot of women (or even one) and thinks (not unlike a lot of guys his age) that universities are magical places filled with all sorts of wondrous things such as friends with benefits, that he has heard about but never experienced.

[MoonCat]

OK, you can totally disregard this, of course, but here's my two cents: My dear, you don't "stand" anywhere. You've never even met this guy! No, friending someone on facebook doesn't count; you can say anything you want online and not have to prove it. I think you need to slow down a little, too. You're already using terms like "break up" when you're not even really a couple yet.

The red flag here is him using all this dramatic language to describe a "connection" that consists entirely of some online conversation. He's pushing way too hard, and that's a sign of a control freak. Now, he might be a really nice guy who's just awkward online, but I read it another way: He's trying to establish control of the situation--and of YOU--right now. I would say it might be a good idea to meet for the first time in a public place, and keep it public until you put some boundaries in place and see if he respects them.

Now, if you meet him and he turns out to be the sweetest, nicest guy ever, great! Remember, nothing beats in-person interaction to learn what someone's really all about. You need face time, not facebook.

[Pony_Boy]

Ok I have to chime in here

I really don't see where people a getting the " he just wants to sleep with you" and "friends with benefits" stuff I really don't

To me there are two possibilities

1) You're over thinking it way to much. The "friendship" comment could just refer to the relationship you have now at this moment. Since you've never actually met, Friendship is a good way to describe it. It's clear that he's into you so its safe to assume the movie invite is a date. if you re still unsure then why don't you outright ask him?

2) It might be a slight communication error

I replied in no uncertain terms letting him know that I think he's amazing, I like him a lot and feel close to him, and that I'm "into" him too.

It's been my repeated experience over the years that what one person thinks is crystal clear to one person can mean a completely different thing to the other person

Is it possible that Boy might have inadvertently thought you wanted friendship after reading your message? That would explain his comments


Either way its time to put all the cards on the table and be blunt

[Magpie]

I agree with the comment that there are possible red flags in how enthusiastic he's being about a relationship that doesn't even really exist yet. (Although I'll give some leeway for a younger person in their first relationship).

As a general rule you can't assume that "friendship" precludes the possibility of romance. It's a necessary first step. You say that he's religious, and I'm assuming that this means he takes it seriously, since you're saying this would mean that he's not looking for sex. That, to me, suggests that he's looking for a serious relationship, i.e. he isn't interested in a relationship that doesn't at least stand a chance of lasting more than just a couple of years. In that case he would value a friendship if he wants to have a romantic relationship.

But don't worry too much. I was recently introduced to a good rule of thumb - you don't get to call someone your boyfriend until you've been dating for three months. So this isn't a potential boyfriend. This is just a date.

And I would like to point out that there are plenty of people who actually do live by the tenets of their religion, and they're not that difficult to identify.

[Bella_Vixen]

I think Boy is overdoing it.

[Lindsey]

OK, you can totally disregard this, of course, but here's my two cents: My dear, you don't "stand" anywhere. You've never even met this guy! No, friending someone on facebook doesn't count; you can say anything you want online and not have to prove it. I think you need to slow down a little, too. You're already using terms like "break up" when you're not even really a couple yet.

Let me rephrase - I want to make sure he and I are on the same page. I don't want to get there thinking it's a date when it isn't, or vice versa. I'm not dating him until I can spend time with him, which we'll have plenty of time to do this fall. Just to be clear.

I agree with the comment that there are possible red flags in how enthusiastic he's being about a relationship that doesn't even really exist yet. (Although I'll give some leeway for a younger person in their first relationship).

That might explain some things too.. I hadn't thought of it til I read this reply, but I even quoted it in my original post -- he did say "this is a first for me". He's 17. I'm turning 19 in a few weeks. I don't know if that makes a difference, but he is younger, and that does sound almost like it'd be a first relationship (or one of his first). I've only been in one relationship, so I'm in that boat, too.

As a general rule you can't assume that "friendship" precludes the possibility of romance. It's a necessary first step. You say that he's religious, and I'm assuming that this means he takes it seriously, since you're saying this would mean that he's not looking for sex. That, to me, suggests that he's looking for a serious relationship, i.e. he isn't interested in a relationship that doesn't at least stand a chance of lasting more than just a couple of years. In that case he would value a friendship if he wants to have a romantic relationship.

And yet another way to look at this! I just blanked out at the word "friendship" and let myself get confused.

Thanks everyone who's replying!

[42_42_42]

Honestly, I think he's coming off kinda creepy.

[Lindsey]

And anyone who thinks he's "overdoing" it -- Yes, he chose to quote Jerry Maguire. No, I don't think it's a problem. He doesn't talk to me that way all the time, it was just those two messages.