Having a bit of family trouble :/

[Miss_Stress]

I'm not completely sure where to begin, so I'll take each problem at a time. Any advice would be much appreciated

I suppose work is the biggest problem of them all. I know there are very few people who enjoy their job, but I hate mine, I really do. I've been diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder because of working there, and it's only a part time job! Everytime I have to go to work, I wish that I would be in an accident or something so I wouldn't have to go in, and I cry both before and after work. In fact, things are so bad that my fiance is giving up his time alone (not at my request, but through his own kindness) to be there for me when I come home from work. Now, I'm at University, but in order to try and keep my future debts down, I have only applied for tuition fees, not a living grant or a maintenance loan. However, I have enough money saved in order for me to leave work but to still be able pay board (rent for any American readers) to my parents whilst I look for another job. They will not allow me to leave my job, even though I can still pay them board in the meantime. When I become upset about work, they tell me to grow up and stop being stupid. Some (or all) of you may agree, I don't know, but all I know is I cannot keep doing this anymore. My fiance has also offered to move me into his house, but his father is going through a very difficult time at the moment, and I wouldn't dream of imposing on him.
Does anyone have any advice with regards to this? I have actually been searching for jobs and filled out countless application forms, but heard nothing. I am in a position to pay my parents board and to continue paying it for a long time in case a job does not turn up in the near future, but my mother particularly has told me that if I leave this job, I will not have a home.

The second problem is to do with my family's interference in my wedding. I have chosen my bridesmaids - my 3 best friends who have been with me through the hardest times in my life. My fiance has also chosen his bridesmaid: his little niece. My mother is now refusing to come to my wedding, and is badmouthing me to other family members, because I haven't asked my sister to be a bridesmaid.
The reason I haven't asked her is because we have never got on really, she is very self-centred and spoilt, and because on more than one occasion she has threatened to ruin my wedding. I don't want someone like that ruining the happiest day of my life out of spite.
She is more than welcome to attend the wedding, just not in a bridesmaid capacity, and I have always said this. I even offered to compromise with both her and my mother, and said that if she promised to behave herself then she could be a bridesmaid, but as soon as she misbehaved then she would not be allowed to be one. My mother could not accept this and said that "there will be no bargaining", so as such I am standing my ground and not having my sister as a bridesmaid. I have not left my sister out out of spite, but because I am not particularly close to her, and I am certain that she will do her best to cause problems and to draw attention to herself. What should I do?

Any thoughts are appreciated, thank you

[r2cagle]

Any chance of living on campus? I'd be getting out the house some way, and advising parents that if they are having such a hard time with the choices that you make, then they are more than welcome to not attend your wedding or any other eventful time in your life.

If that means applying for a living grant/maintenance loan, so be it, and definitely quitting your current job. You will make yourself sick if you don't cut out the very worst stress in your life... from the sounds of it, that's your current job and your parents. I know, I know, everyone says that you shouldn't quit one job without another lined up... but if your stress is so severe that it flows over to interviews, etc.. that's not attractive to potential employers either. Far better to quit job, rest, relax and then have the energy and drive to find a new job, which you should if you have the monetary cushion to do that.

[trailerparkmedic]

1) How would your parents react to you living with your fiance pre-wedding? Would you be able to help your fiance's dad if you were there (financially through board, moral support, whatever)? What plans do you and your fiance have for living arrangements after getting married?

Not being in debt is good but not hating your life is better. I personally would take out some loans and find a room to rent. That way you're not imposing on your fiance's family and you're free from your job. If the wedding is close and you and your fiance were planning on living together away from parents anyways, are you ok with speeding things up (also financed by loans)? If you do that, 2 bedroom apartments (if they're in your price range) tend to let parents feel a bit bitter, since there is some plausible deniablity about you and fiance sleeping together.

Draw up a list with every option you can think of. List pros and cons for each. That will help you make a better decision. Don't make assumptions--if you're worried about how living with your fiance will make his dad feel, talk to the family.

2) Is your mom helping to pay for the wedding? If so, you have to accept that she will have a hand in it. If not, you need to figure out which situation is better for you--no mom at wedding or sister as a bridesmaid. Go with whatever makes you happier. I don't think you are being unreasonable by not including your sister, especially if you have a rocky relationship. Can you talk to your sister about this and possibly use her as a mediator between you and mom?


My advice for most situations--what would make you happiest? Not what would make your mom or friend or boss happy, what will make you happy? Of course, if you do X and it makes you happy but your mom unhappy and an unhappy mom makes you unhappy, X makes you unhappy. If X makes you happy but your mom unhappy and you don't give a damn about what your mom feels, X makes you happy.
If you can't choose between two options, flip a coin. Are you happy or sad with the outcome? If you're sad, go with the other option. I got that advice from a friend and it has served me well.

[Treasure]

No where is it written that sisters have to be bridesmaids or maids of honor!
That role (traditionally/originally) is for the woman in your life that you most feel could/wold be able to take care of your spouse if something were happen to you. If you don't feel like your sister could fulfill that role, then she doesn't need to be in it. However for the sake of family peace - would you be willing to have your sister do another "bridal party" type duty - Hostess, or do a special reading /sing a special song (if she's good and you would be ok with it) maybe ask her to be the one to let people know when certain things are going on - like let the DJ know you and the new hubby have arrived @ the reception, and the BestMan needs to announce (and make sure the BestMan is read) etc... that kind of thing...

You can find a way to include her, if you and she are amenable to it;
"we're sisters and I know we haven't always gotten on well, but my wedding day is important to me, and I'd like to include you somehow - would you be wiling to....(fill in the blank)"
make sure that you've looked up duties/responsibilities for the roll you're requesting, and maybe have it all put together in some sort of flyer or something, so that she knows what she's getting herself into - and if she is unable or unwilling to perform certain tasks, let her know you'll reassign - but if the entire list gets crossed out - be blunt "then what did you want to do?" and cut your mom out of it - its not her wedding - its yours, and no matter how much money she is contributing, she does not have the right (no matter what she thinks) to dictate what you can or cannot have/do at your wedding.

[Exaspera]

ELOPE!!! And ditto to all of the above.

Your family sounds like it's trying to find any excuse to screw with your life.

[Miss_Stress]

Thank you all In answer to a previous question, my mother is paying for no part of this wedding, she made it clear from the very beginning that we will have to finance it all ourselves.

As to the work problem - I have to quit. I really do. But my parents are refusing to allow me to, even though I can still pay them board. That's the puzzling thing - I can pay them still but they won't let me leave a place that makes me feel very depressed. The only potential solution is to go and live with my fiance and his father, but again given his father's situation it would be very unfair to him, and I wouldn't dream of asking him.

[Exaspera]

Well the first part of your reply answers my question. If they're not paying for it, they have absolutely NO say in the matter. And if they are threatening to ruin your day that you paid for-then don't invite them. Really!!

I think staying with your fiance is the best idea. Not knowing the problems with his Father, you could help your fiance with him, AND not be so upset about your job.

[Miss_Stress]

Well the first part of your reply answers my question. If they're not paying for it, they have absolutely NO say in the matter. And if they are threatening to ruin your day that you paid for-then don't invite them. Really!!

I think staying with your fiance is the best idea. Not knowing the problems with his Father, you could help your fiance with him, AND not be so upset about your job.

Thank you Exaspera the problem really is that my fiance's mother has just left his father for another man so he's in a bad way and needs to be looked after. The problem really there is that, while I would pay him board and help around the house, if his mother decides she wants to come and claim half the house, we then have to find a place for 3 of us to live, not 2, and I don't think it's fair to place the extra burden on him that's all he's got enough on his plate without having to worry about me.

[Exaspera]

Thank you Exaspera the problem really is that my fiance's mother has just left his father for another man so he's in a bad way and needs to be looked after. The problem really there is that, while I would pay him board and help around the house, if his mother decides she wants to come and claim half the house, we then have to find a place for 3 of us to live, not 2, and I don't think it's fair to place the extra burden on him that's all he's got enough on his plate without having to worry about me.

Okay, but you'll together be able to come up with a solution for that. Stop seeing yourself as a burden to your fiance. Y'all are coming together to make an even more powerful bond, one where there are two people working together, each with their great qualities in order to get through the good and the bad times.

[Elspeth]

I will echo what as already been said add this thought that popped into my head. Maybe having you there will help him get his mind off his current problem. You might be able to help each other.

*hugs to you*

[Magpie]

All I can say is that I think you're handling the wedding situation well. You're quite right to not want someone who might cause trouble holding an important role. AND you did give it a try, to not cause trouble yourself, to make sure that your sister would behave, but apparently asking people to not cause trouble is unreasonable. I'm going to have to say "good riddance".

Do you go to any support groups? Are there any in your area? I'm sure that other people there have more advice for how to get parents to understand what your abilities and limitations are than we do.

[Miss_Stress]

Thank you Elspeth and Exaspera my parents have always made me feel like a burden to be honest, so I just assume everybody else will think the same about me.

[Magpie]

my parents have always made me feel like a burden to be honest, so I just assume everybody else will think the same about me.

Ok, in that case may I suggest a large dose of not listening to them?

Yes, they're still your family. HOWEVER, you need to remember that they don't necessarily know what's best. Everyone has some theory of mind issues, they assume that you think they way they do. This is NOT a good thing. You are being a responsible adult.

One thing to keep in mind - if you didn't have worries about your parents behaving in a borderline abusive manner, would you be comfortable living with your fiance? If you would normally find the situation uncomfortable, it's not a good thing to do for longer than necessary. (I know, it's different when his father is there).

Also - if you're really unwilling to move in with your fiance's father, figure out if there's a job you could do that would likely be better for you. Perhaps you could switch jobs? Would you be able to get a horizontal transfer to a job that would stress you less?

[Miss_Stress]

Hi Magpie, it's the company itself I no longer want to work for - I don't agree with how they treat their staff, I don't agree with a lot of their policies, and I don't agree with a lot of their procedures. If I'm 100% honest, I'm not in a fit state to work, but I am able to support myself financially, so I don't know why I can't leave and recuperate. Also, on the wedding advice, I agree completely, so thank you

[r2cagle]

You need to talk honestly with your fiance, as well. Get his take on everything. He'll know his family better than you and will help you get a different perspective.