Boyfriend: don't know what to do (long)

[BookstoreEscapee]

If it wasn't for the eighteen paragraphs about things he hasn't/wont change that bother you enough to type it up to an anonymous online forum it'd be the best?

It's an advice column staple...my boyfriend (and I think more often it is a girlfriend writing about her boyfriend) is perfect...but...

If you ever read Dear Prudie on Slate you see it all the time, and people in the comments always call it out.

[Thuringwethyl]

It's an advice column staple...my boyfriend (and I think more often it is a girlfriend writing about her boyfriend) is perfect...but...

If you ever read Dear Prudie on Slate you see it all the time, and people in the comments always call it out.

Touche. I need to think about this...

[BookstoreEscapee]

Touche. I need to think about this...

I think Kiwi's last line is an important one to remember:

his reaction will tell you a lot about him.

[Whiskey]

It's an advice column staple...my boyfriend (and I think more often it is a girlfriend writing about her boyfriend) is perfect...but...

If you ever read Dear Prudie on Slate you see it all the time, and people in the comments always call it out.

Thats why I added in my own ", but..."

[Jester]

You have compromised in the relationship. Has he? I don't see anything where you say he has.

Look, you need to sit him down and talk with him. He has never been happier in a relationship, but clearly you are not as ecstatic as he is. You need to sit him down and tell him what the problems are, where your boundaries are, and set down some guidelines. Personally, I can't really blame him all that much because you haven't done any of this, you have just gone along with what he has said and done with very little complaint and no set boundaries. You have compromised and acquiesced to his desires, but have not told him what yours are, so you have not given him a chance to do the same.

Look, these kinds of talks aren't always pleasant, for either party. You may feel like you are "attacking" him, but this is not true. You are putting things in place to make the continuation of this relationship a possibility, because as things stand now, such continuation is virtually assured not to happen. If you continue in this relationship as it stands now, without laying down the law as it were, you will get more and more resentful of him until eventually you dump his ass or just remove your own spine and do whatever he says. Either way, you will not like him very much, and won't care for yourself a whole hell of a lot either.

Sit him down. Express your issues. Draw some lines. Define your boundaries. You say you are older than him and he is a bit immature. Well, show your maturity by acting like an adult and having this talk with him, however much either one of you may dread it.

I am not saying that doing this will make this relationship work. It may or may not. But NOT doing it will virtually guarantee that it will fail. In the end, it is your only real option, if you ask me.

[Flying Grype]

My boyfriend would have me spend almost every available moment with him if he had his way, I’m fairly sure of it. Even if we do nothing but actually sleep he still wants me to spend the night with him All. The. Time.

NOOOOOO. Noo no nono nono no no NO. I had one like this once. It does not get better, it gets worse. The longer you tolerate it, the more he thinks it's okay to do it. There ARE men out there who will respect your privacy and your need to be alone without thinking you don't love them. He CAN find a woman who will want to be joined to him at the hip if he really needs to.

The bottom line is that he doesn't seem to care that you need something from him. He is making no move to help you or respect your wishes.

Also, I am dying with laughter at your last line. If it wasn't for his selfishness, thoughtlessness, obsessive need for control, etc. etc. things would be PERFECT! It doesn't work that way, hon. Don't settle for someone who makes you miserable because you think you can get him over these things. The sooner you lose him, the better for both of you. You'll find someone who cares about you and respects you. That kind of guy is not all that rare, but you won't find one as long as you're with this asshole.

[Eireann]

I have an idea why he's so happy in the relationship. You keep giving way to him. You keep giving him what he wants - not entirely, but so much that he probably thinks he'll get everything he wants sooner or later (sooner, most likely).

If it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you. Don't let guilt or "should" enter into it. Is this a relationship you can imagine being in for the rest of your life, as it is now, with no changes? Knowing that it will never be any better than it is right now?

If not - and I sincerely hope it's "not" - you owe it to yourself to end it, and keep it ended. Don't let him try to "win" you back later. Time has a way of making us think, "Oh, it wasn't THAT bad," and the other person manages to suck you in one more time.

This guy is not the only one who will want you for the person you are. You're not responsible for his happiness, or for anyone else's; just your own.

[Thuringwethyl]

Uncomfortable advice -- probably means it's good. We haven't sat down and talked yet as he's cramming for an upcoming exam and I'm working my butt off. However, I'm incredibly relaxed right now just knowing that, at the end of the day, all I have to worry about is me and not his feelings.

Most of the time even I don't know what I want. I'll just go with the flow until I start feeling uncomfortable and, after having to think about it for several days (if not weeks) realize "Huh. I didn't like that and *this* is why". Which is one reason, apart from laziness, cowardice, and passive-aggressiveness, that I don't begrudge people not realizing that I'm unhappy. If I don't know what I think, how can other people?

I'm definitely a contributing factor to all this. After thinking about it, I'm going to try having a frank talk with bf and, if we survive, try to be more proactive about my needs instead of somehow expecting him to magically know what I want. This is probably going to be very difficult as I've grown up with and lived with controlling people and my modus operandi is to blandly listen before attempting to escape and do my own thing.

After that, who knows? If we turn out to be perfect for each other that will be great; if we break up it won't be the end of the world. I never had a plan for how my life "should" be, so whatever happens, happens.

[Whiskey]

Just for reference:

The Explanation:

We haven't sat down and talked yet as he's cramming for an upcoming exam and I'm working my butt off.

The Qualifying Statement:

Which is one reason, apart from laziness, cowardice, and passive-aggressiveness, that I don't begrudge people not realizing that I'm unhappy. If I don't know what I think, how can other people?

The Blame:

I'm definitely a contributing factor to all this.

I'm going to make a prediction about your talk. He'll be super sorry and blame it all on those exams! he was so stressed out he didn't realize! It'll be better after exams are over.

[Mytical]

Then come the flowers, the candy, the gifts. And more promises that "I will do better next time." and he will for awhile.

Then the cycle begins again.

Maybe I am a bit to cynical. I hope I am wrong. Don't let this happen. Nip it in the bud. Or it will get worse.

[trailerparkmedic]

I have hope! I think if you focus on more self awareness any relationship will make you happier (even if it means the relationship ends).

Let us know what happens.

[Solumina]

You can't just put this off because there is something going on right now. There will always be something going on.

Honestly this is pretty clearly a case of emotional abuse, the only questions are whether or not he knows what he is doing and whether or not you are going to make it stop.

He could be a really great guy and he could be madly in love with you but if that is the case he does not know how to have a healthy relationship and he needs to be taught if he is to ever have a healthy relationship. Remember that people do have the ability to change but they have to really want to make that change and even so it is almost never quit or easy, if it seems like it is then no real change is taking place.

[Whiskey]

If hes not open to some kind of counseling/therapy, I'd say cut the relationship now. This kid has issues he needs to resolve and its not your responsibility to fix it.

[poofy_puff]

You can "love" someone for real and have great chemistry together and still not make good partners in day-to-day life.

There is a prevailing "wisdom" out there that fulfilling relationships take a lot of "work". I wholeheartedly disagree with this. I think good relationships are a product or compatibility between the partners and the "best" ones don't involve one or more partner getting under another's skin, especially at such an early stage in the relationship. You two should still be in the honeymoon, or "NRE" (new-relationship-energy) stage! If this is the "best" relationship you've ever had, "but", then you need to go have more relationships. 4 months is NOTHING - it seems like a LONG time when you're that young (not to come off as sounding age-ist - time really does seem slower the younger you are and starts to speed up some time in your mid- to late-20's. I think there have been studies done about this. Wait and see, you will find out soon enough). You don't have as much emotional investment in this guy as you probably think you do.

[Seshat]

There is a prevailing "wisdom" out there that fulfilling relationships take a lot of "work". I wholeheartedly disagree with this.

I think they do - but that the main part of the work is learning to be honest with oneself.

Once YOU know what you want and need, you can tell your partner. If you don't, how can they guess?