I need help, I think

[CaroPhoenix]

It's Summer Vacation for Child Rum. That means no school, no school structure, and we get up when we want, and we do things when we want, how we want, etc.

For the past week, I've been having stomach problems. Let's just say water-like substances are coming out of the wrong hole (and leave it at that). I think it's the heat/humidity that has invaded my state affecting me.

So this morning while I'm a captive on the toilet, Child Rum deicded to raid my fridge and plop strawberries, a couple of chunks of cheese, at least a soup spoon size serving of tuna macaroni salad and milk into the blender we keep on the counter. Fortunately, I stopped her from actually turning on the blender.

Last night, whilst I was doing things around the house, she decided to run water in the bathroom sink, and splash water all over the floor & counter of the bathroom. Not caring that there were books (All. Mine. The bathroom is my "reading room") all over the counter and she ruined about 95% of them.

We had to meet up with Mr. Rum's cousins from Nebraska. That was an eff-up from the get-go. Cousins come into Fredericksburg (to stay with middle bro & his family) saturday night. For the past week, all we knew was that we were going to have dinner with the cousins. Nope, turns out, we were supposed to be hanging out with them all day. So we go out, in the unbearable heat, I'm having an asthma attack, clutching to my little umbrella that I was using to shield me from the heat (and getting dirty looks from strangers because of it - I might be 5'3" and almost 300 pounds, but darnit! I do have a delicate constitution)! For dinner we end up at a hole-in-the-wall-type of seafood place. (The broiled shrimp were surprisingly awesome). I ordered Child Rum her dinner (no appetizers for her 'cos she likes calamari and they had none as an appetizer).

Now Child Rum has the "I want to eat off of everyone else's plates as well as my own" syndrome. We don't eat a lot of seafood at home (I don't make it and except for shrimp & canned tuna, I don't like to eat it). However, Little Miss Nosy wanted to try everything on everyone else's appetizers (there were 4 appetizers ordered - 2 sets of chicken wings, coconut shrimp, and clams). I kept trying to keep Child Rum from sampling everything because she has this habit of, either licking something or taking a bite and then spitting it out because she doesn't like it, it's disgusting and I didn't want her doing that in public (I'm still trying to curb it at home too).

Come to find out that she loves coconut shrimp. Great. So not only does she get chicken fingers/fries for dinner, but Mr. Rum also orders her coconut shrimp. Everyone sitting near us is letting Child Rum eat off their plates.

3 problems here:

1. It lets Child Rum know that she doens't have to listen to me in public. I'm doing this not only for the safety of Child Rum (I don't want her to sample too many seafood things and if she has an allergic reaction, not know what she's allergic to).

2. Mr. Rum overruled me. In front of his family. Let me repeat: HE. DID. NOT. BACK. ME. UP. IN. FRONT. OF. HIS. FAMILY. When I said "No, she can't eat off of other people's plates." Instead of: "Okay Rummy Honey, family don't give into her whining", he said: "What's the harm?" As everyone else was like, "Oh, I don't mind."

3. Except for his sophomore year in High School, Mr. Rum has been FAT for his entire life (he was a fat baby, toddler, kid ... you get the picture). I do not want my daughter to be fat. She's 4'2" and 72 and 3/4 pounds. My sister was fat. She didn't like riding the bus nor did she like going to school because of the taunts she got. Even though my daughter has Autism, and doesn't really pay attention to what kids say, I don't want her being taunted about her size.

Right now, I'm trying hard not to cry again as I'm typing this.

I'm really at the end of my rope.

I have to call my therapist back. He missed our appointment last month, but I really need to talk to him or someone.

I really can't go on.

I want out.

But my family doesn't think I should leave him because he "let's me stay home with our daughter" and I should be grateful for that.

[trailerparkmedic]

But my family doesn't think I should leave him because he "let's me stay home with our daughter" and I should be grateful for that.

This, to me, speaks to deeper problems than what happened last night. Have you considered couples therapy? Have you talked about what's going on with Mr. Rum?

I don't think that he should have overruled you. You need to address that with him, in private (so you can call him an ass not in front of his family :P).

If you're concerned about Baby Rum's weight, try to get her involved in active things. If I remember correctly, she liked soccer in the spring? See if there is another league you can get her involved in. Did she ever get the hang of riding her bike? Does she like things like trampolines? Does she have autistic friends (or understanding friends) that you could set up playdates with? Getting her to burn off some of her energy might also help keep you from going crazy.

[r2cagle]

See if there is another league you can get her involved in. Did she ever get the hang of riding her bike? Does she like things like trampolines? Does she have autistic friends (or understanding friends) that you could set up playdates with? Getting her to burn off some of her energy might also help keep you from going crazy.

This

Get her out of the house for a few hours a day with someone else...consider this your permission slip to be off the 'mommy hook' for that time.

I want out.

Who could blame you? If you feel that it's time, then you have a permission slip to start taking those steps too. It'll be a long haul, and you'll probably be doing alot of it on your own. But if it's really what you want, and what is best, then know that you can do it.

[AnaKhouri]

There may be no schedule at home during the summer, but can't you create one? Get up at the same time as during the school year, eat lunch around the same time, go to bed at the same time. I know summer is supposed to be vacation for kids but if your daughter's school schedule seems to help her, maybe you should stick to it. Also maybe getting back on schedule later won't be such an adjustment.

I also stay home and know how easy it is to fall into a clam shell mentality- just me and baby, no one else exists. How often do you get out? We go walking, to the library, the park, story time etc. I don't know how Child Rum reacts to different places but maybe there is a group of other moms you can find to go out with? It helps that I also cover shifts at my old bookstore (and it's easy to be nice to customers when you only work 4 days a month!). Any way you could find a part-time job to do after your husband gets home? It helps me immensely to talk to other grown-ups about non-child stuff. If you like to read, a library or bookstore reading group might be a good option.

I'm assuming you have already talked to hubby about how it makes you feel when he doesn't back you up about the child. I'm not sure what you can do about that, except maybe talk over him and bully everyone (or maybe enlist their help). "No, she CAN'T eat off other people's plates, for these reasons, and NONE of you will let her. Autistic is not stupid, and she is perfectly capable of learning discipline if everyone helps."

And finally- only you know how severe your marriage problems are. It's nice to stay home with your kid, but is it worth being miserable all the time? Other people are single parents with autistic children. You are smart and you are strong and if you would rather go it alone, I'm sure you can do it too.

[Taboo]

Rum- Every time you talk about your family, there is always something trickling in about Mr. Rum not being supportive. Okay, maybe he doesn't get it as much as you do because he's not home with Child Rum as much, and he hasn't seen as much evidence of how important the schedule, etc are to keep consistent, BUT he should still be respecting your opinions as the person who DOES know what a difference it makes. If he disagrees with you, he should have the respect to show a united front with you in public as much as possible including with your relatives and then talk to you about any disagreements in private. It really sounds like he isn't respecting you right now.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling like you're fighting against your husband for the sake of your child and your own sanity?

'Letting' you stay at home is great.. but that's something that a rich family or great amounts of public assistance etcetc could do, that's not parenting on his part. Parenting requires effort to try and stay on the same page and it sounds like on anything non-financial, on anything that requires work on his part, he is not backing you up and being supportive. Obviously this is biased, since I don't know you in person and only have a few posts to go on. For all I know, things are great 99% of the time and your posts are the vents when they're not. Only you know that. But if this is normal, if Mr. Rum is consistently just not supporting you and arguing with you in front of your families on how to help your child when he's not the one at home with her and aware of what she requires... then you really, really need to both get into counseling, and do some thinking about how much support or how little you are okay with receiving from your spouse.

I guess this is the thing that makes me really concerned. Picture, for a moment, your life if it were just the two of you without kids. If he were being this argumentative with you all the time and just overriding everything you say in front of your inlaws, would you really be willing to deal with that? It's great that you're trying to provide the best possible situation for your daughter, and I respect that, but it sounds like you deserve better. And maybe you should look into whether you can help turn things around with your husband through counseling, or whether you and your children would be better off without him.

[CaroPhoenix]

Thank you every one.

I did talk to Mr. Rum about how I felt on him over-riding my authority at the seafood place. He didn't understand why I was upset. He even told me that next time we sit at a table in long formation, then she should sit next to him. (Like that is going to help. ) I pointed out that 1. He's been fat for all of his life, did he want that for his daughter. (Fortunately, he said "no"). 2. I noticed the In-Laws didn't offer extra food to the other 2 grandkids (K1 & K3 who are the brats ... er ... kids of BIL#1 - for those who don't know, Child is K2 as all the grandkids on Mr. Rum's side of the family have "K" names).

Here is something else I haven't been able to say, but I'm going to have to say it (and I'm going to have to say it to Mr. Rum which I haven't done so yet): The only reason I got pregnant so quickly after getting married was because Mr. Rum (and his Mother, yes his Mother), both told me I couldn't quit my job and be a stay-at-home wife until I got pregnant. Actually, Mr. Rum knew I didn't want to work after getting married. He. knew. and was okay with it until his mother opened her mouth.

Do not get me wrong. I wanted kids then and I want them now. It's just ... Child Rum would only be between the ages of in utero to 3 years old by now.

After I got pregnant and had Child Rum I had Post Partum Depression. It lasted for more than 6 months and developed into a full case of depression. I also developed a case of Anxiety (Emotional centered on Child & I do have a touch of just plain ol' Get Anxious about everything else anxiety too. Panic attacks (which I had as a child) became more and more frequent, and I also have a case of OCD). I'm messed up Mentally, Emotionally, and Physically (as I'm an eater - I eat when happy, sad, mad, depressed, etc.).

I should have put the engagement on hold when my mother-in-law chose my china pattern for me. But I thought once the wedding was over, Mr. Rum would listen to me and be more in tune with me than his mother. I'm still waiting.

[Magpie]

Rummy, I'm somewhat concerned by the fact that you refer to your therapist as if you're the only one who was going. I think that you and Mr. Rum would benefit from a refresher counselling session. And possibly a little bit of extra just to work out the problems you're having together. You know, have a referee there while you discuss.

I'm glad that you were able to make your point about why you didn't want Child Rum eating off everyone else's plates.

Also, unless your family means that "Mr. Rum makes it possible for you to stay home with Child Rum", he isn't the only problem here.

[CaroPhoenix]

@Magpie: My mother has said that because Mr. Rum isn't physically abusive and has said that I don't have to work if I don't want to, there's no reason not to leave him.

Shortly after posting my reply to this thread, Mr. Rum and I have talked. It's still rocky, but I don't want to run away as much as I was wanting. I ... just .... gah.

Okies ... It's like this: I was feeling like a rotten person because Child did 2 naughty things back-to-back (the sink incident & the blender incident). Plus, Mr. Rum not listening to me when we were out with his family. (I mentioned how his younger bro, BIL#2 always agreed with his wife in public, and Mr. Rum said he was ... ahem .. ."Whipped" I said, no, it's a sign of respect AND it means that he loves her enough to show a united front for those around them. Mr. Rum doesn't do this in front of his family & his friends - go figure).

Plus, my sister is pregnant again. And while I want another child, with my health problems (pre-diabetic, vitamin d deficient, hypothyroidism, depression/anxiety/panic/ocd, high blood pressure & asthma), I'm not sure if I can or should get pregnant.

And then I feel angry and ashamed at myself when I ask why I have a daughter with Autism? Why couldn't my child be neurotypical? But that makes me selfish.

And well, it's complicated, but we're going to work on it.

Maybe it's because my husband doesn't court me anymore. Not that he has to since we're married, but ... it'd be nice for him to say "I love you" or just hold my hand or something. I'm not asking for dinners out every night, trips to the theater.

I'm just tired of having to keep compromising and being backed into a corner, and having no time to myself, and wanting Mr. Rum to make time for Child Rum and me, and ... Am I asking for too much?

[Magpie]

Am I asking for too much?

Nope. See if you can find someone to watch Child Rum, so that you two can go to a marriage retreat, or just take a vacation. I think you're just burnt out, and that's not good. Do /something/ to take time for yourself. I'm assuming that Child Rum devours books quickly? (Yes, I'm assuming she shows certain symptoms). Start making semi-weekly walks to the library. Keep her busy. Or do what my mom used to do - make her learn stuff during the summer. Have her pick a topic, and then theme the entire summer around it. We did "Village of Round and Square Houses" once. It was my first time having groundnut stew, and we did that to go with the African theme.

[trailerparkmedic]

@Magpie: My mother has said that because Mr. Rum isn't physically abusive and has said that I don't have to work if I don't want to, there's no reason not to leave him.

I think we can both agree that's crap. That said, I believe in trying to work things out if you're not in an abusive relationship and you're both willing to put in some effort. This is my personal belief and you're more than welcome to disagree with it and everything else I say.

Okies ... It's like this: I was feeling like a rotten person because Child did 2 naughty things back-to-back

I think that's just Child Rum being a kid and not a reflection on you AT ALL. Kids do stuff like microwave their sister's Barbie doll (best friend's son did that last night). Have you ever checked out Shit My Kids Ruined? That might make you feel better. I know my mom has several pictures she could post there from me and my sister.

while I want another child, with my health problems (pre-diabetic, vitamin d deficient, hypothyroidism, depression/anxiety/panic/ocd, high blood pressure & asthma), I'm not sure if I can or should get pregnant.

Have you talked to your doctor about this? I know it's a scary conversation but even if he says "not right now," he can tell you what needs to be done to make it ok to have a kid.

And then I feel angry and ashamed at myself when I ask why I have a daughter with Autism? Why couldn't my child be neurotypical? But that makes me selfish.

I think that makes you human. I think it is only natural to wonder "what if" about a lot of things, and having a child with special needs is something only other parents of special needs children can really understand. I bet if you talked to some of Child Rum's classmates' parents, you would hear the same thing from them.

Maybe it's because my husband doesn't court me anymore. Not that he has to since we're married, but ... it'd be nice for him to say "I love you" or just hold my hand or something. I'm not asking for dinners out every night, trips to the theater.

I'm just tired of having to keep compromising and being backed into a corner, and having no time to myself, and wanting Mr. Rum to make time for Child Rum and me, and ... Am I asking for too much?

I don't think you're asking too much. I do think going to couples counseling would be good. It sounds like Mr. Rum has good intentions (once you actually talk to him) but doesn't know that things like holding your hand are important to you. There's this thing called 5 Love Languages developed by some person trying to sell books, but it actually made sense to me. Some people feel loved by words, some want physical touch, some want time together, some want gifts, and some want actions. Most people are a combination. If, say, you are all touch, but Mr. Rum is all about actions, he might think he is showing you love by providing for the family, but you're looking for hand holding. Counseling can teach you things like that, and how to better communicate about your problems. It basically gives you tools to help your marriage.

I went to couples counseling in an effort to save my first marriage. We eventually divorced anyways, but the stuff I learned has really helped me in other relationships. That's why I'm such a proponent of it.

[blas]

I'm not a parent, but from experience, when one parent is too laid back and the other is a stickler for a routine or at the very least, basic guidelines, there is always trouble.

And kids aren't dumb about it, either. They know which parent to go to when they want their way. Does Mr Rum care that if this continues, little Rum will always get her way or always go to him?

[CaroPhoenix]

We're going to be contacting the ARC (Association for Retarded Citizens, but it's now open to all children/adults with disabilities) about respite care.

I'm already in an argument with my mother. I want to go to a Bed & Breakfast in Maryland for my anniversary. I asked my mom if she & my dad could watch Child Rum over night (like either we stay Friday day, Friday night, Saturday day or we stay Saturday day, Saturday night, and Sunday day). My mom was like "I watch your neice 5 days a week and you're asking me if I can Child on a weekend?" and then she threw back at me the fact that she'd watch Child all the time before she went to school (she started school in Sept., 2003). I need her to watch Child for ONE night.

GAH.

[Solumina]

it'd be nice for him to say "I love you" or just hold my hand or something.

Reading that kind of broke my heart. Those aren't big things, those are little things that should happen all the time. I know that there are some people who have a hard time showing or voicing their affection but you deserve to feel loved.

A while back my aunt and her hubby were going through a bit of a rough patch so she asked my mom what was the secret to her "perfect marriage". She said "We don't kiss if we are angry at each other and neither of us can sleep well if we don't kiss goodnight. No matter what problems we may have our choices are being sleep deprived or always being honest, respectful, and kind to each other, and we both need our sleep." They did have their share of issues but my parents never fought, never said hurtful things to each other, and never stopped being happy just to be together.

Sure in a lot of ways it is more complicated than that but at the same time it kind of isn't. All it takes to work through just about anything is mutual respect (which your husband seems to lack), honesty, and a bit of kindness, if you have that then everything else seems to just fall in place.