I... I'm scared of this decision. Seriously.

[ZedOmega]

Up until now, I've been putting a decision like this off, but a long list of realizations have just hit me like a bus.

Long story short: my girlfriend wants to get married.

She and I have been together for three years, and she already knows what kind of a romantic past I have, especially two engagements that ended up hitting the wall hard enough to bring me close to giving up completely. Up until recently, she's accepted the fact that the thought of being a husband instead of a boyfriend scares the fuck out of me.

We had a talk last weekend about marriage. She told me point-blank that she wants to get married, and that got a conversation going. My biggest worry right now is that this is going to have the same effect that my previous two had: slow, steady decline into a heated breakup and descent into a very long gloomy mindset.

I'm split right now. I love her dearly and I want to marry her, but... I want to go for it, because three years of dating, two of those living together, is more than enough time to help me make a choice. I'm just scared that the engagement is going to result in three years down the drain.

[Plaidman]

Biggest thing to know is this:

Your current girlfriend is NOT your past girlfriends.

Yeah, one breakup engagement sucks and is very painful.

Two is coinidental and painful sucks.

I don't know your guys ages, but if at the current state you truely feel comfortable and in love, it should be enough.

On the Other hand, don't go into this if you feel pressued or rushed. I'm not sure if the other two engagments were your idea, or forced upon you.

if it was your idea, maybe they weren't ready and didn't know it. If it was forced upon you, it might have come off subconceiously, and girls can pick those up.

if it was mutual, maybe you just weren't really ready yet. Stuff like that just happens. (NOT making light of your past, just saying... it does happen).

My gut feeling, is if she wants to be married to you, and you want to go for it and feel like it's ready, then go for it. It'll work out.

The fear you have is both your past and how it messed you up, and the fact that'll you be a husband. Not a boyfriend. Pre-marriage fright happens to the best of them bro.

In anycase, good luck. To whatever your choice.

[iradney]

You've been living together for 2 years, correct? Did you live with any of your past fiances prior to getting engaged?
I'm of the opinion that once you live together, if after a couple of years you haven't brutually murdered each other, then you should be ok. That is to say, if the biggest problem one partner has with the other is the fact that they ALWAYS forget to hang up their wet towel, and they love each other dearly, then you're good to go...

[Eireann]

My advice is, see a counselor about it. Don't do anything when your overriding emotion is fear, rather than love and joy and contentment. It may be - and I hope this isn't true; I'm just not ruling it out - that there's something in your relationship that is causing you to hesitate, and the fear concerning your past relationships is coming up as a result. Make sure that you are completely clear and that you can marry her with only positive emotions surrounding the event. Given the lifetime importance of this decision, you owe it to yourself and her.

[Seshat]

Some nervousness is normal - it IS a big step. The level of nerves you have is abnormal.

I agree with Eirann, a counsellor may help. But talk with your girlfriend as well. Tell her of your nerves and the apparent reason. She may be able to help with it too.

Make a genuine attempt to get over your past. She's not them. And you've grown and changed as well. If there is something in your current relationship that you're anxious about, you need to dismiss the past to find it. If there isn't, you're doing both of you a disservice by letting the past cloud the present.

[Magpie]

I'm going to third what Eirann and Seshat said: don't skip the counselling just because you've been living together! (And yes, I know they were implying getting pre-engagement counselling instead of just the usual pre-marital, but I think you can probably do one batch for both). Another thing to remember: engagement in and of itself isn't the kiss of death. If your previous relationships died when you got engaged, it had to do with the relationship, not with getting engaged.

[blas]

It's not fair to judge the person you are currently with, or to lump them with past flames until they do something worth getting upset over.

[AdminAssistant]

That is to say, if the biggest problem one partner has with the other is the fact that they ALWAYS forget to hang up their wet towel, and they love each other dearly, then you're good to go...

Oh, I HATE that!

I say go for it, but that's just me.

[Seshat]

I've said this before, but here's Seshat's list of things that you should think about before you marry. Go through it. If one of them triggers an 'aha', then that might be what's frightening you.

Even if it doesn't, think about them and talk them over with her. This is the result of 20 years of being married to a wonderful man - but it wasn't always easy. Sometimes it's been damn hard.

* Can you resolve disputes without either party feeling cheated or being hurt, and without going to bed angry? (It doesn't matter how you resolve them, so long as both parties are happy with the result and with the process.)

* Are you friends or partners? Not just lovers - hawt sex and infatuation are nice, but in the long run, friendship and/or life-partnership is what's lasting love is going to be built on; and will keep you going through the hard times.

* Do you have compatible living standards? If one is a neat freak and the other a slob, or one is impulsive and the other plans, or one is an intense money-saver and the other spends every coin they have, you're going to have to resolve a LOT of disputes!

* Are religion or culture problems? Do you have different religions, different cultures? Are you each respectful of the other's religion/culture? How will you handle it when only one religion's/culture's way can be done? What if it's something important?

* Do you have compatible life goals? Does one of you want children and the other not? Does one of you want to become famous/important and the other prefer the quiet anonymous life? These are show-stoppers: you can't have half a child!

* How's the family? Yours? Hers? It's sad to have to look at that, but in most circumstances, you'll have to at least pretend to be polite to her relatives, and she to yours.

* Are you being two individuals who each bring their selves, whole and entire, to the other to share their life with the other? That's healthy.

[ZedOmega]

Heh. Thanks, everyone.

I'll admit the only major problem we've been having lately is that our opinions of PETA are polar opposites: she's a diehard supporter of them, while I personally believe they're just a group of extremists. And even then, once I bring up the Sea Kittens campaign, the argument becomes a lot less serious. 'That's it. I'm writing Starkist. I found a whisker in my tuna!'

Other than that, the relationship itself is awesome. She's the first one to hear the stories I make threads about, I hear about her own work problems, and we both know each other's medical history in and out at this point. I'm going to see about a counselor, though, just to be safe.

[Whiskey]

get a financial counselor too. People don't think about money (long term, even short term sometimes) and its the #1 reason people get divorced. You have to make sure youre compatible on a financial level too.

Good luck!

[teh_blumchenkinder]

Best Wishes, ZedOmega and GirlO, whatever may come.

[Magpie]

get a financial counselor too. People don't think about money (long term, even short term sometimes) and its the #1 reason people get divorced. You have to make sure youre compatible on a financial level too.

As a general rule (not just directed at the OP), if whoever is doing your premarital counselling doesn't cover money issues, you got cheated. Jackdaw and I just did the church course and even that covered money(we were supposed to get counselling from my pastor, in the absence of a trained counsellor we're going to go and get some supplemental counselling. Eventually).