Welcome to my life..

[stephenr]

Every morning, I get up at 5AM to go to work from 7AM-11AM or until 1PM. I have 30 hour weeks until at least October. I find out that yet again, my paycheck is needed to pay for groceries this week and gas. I have no problem with either but the fact that really frustrates me is my mom doesn't want to work. She doesn't do anything around the house. My dad has been pulling overtime for us to just break even on the bills alone. I have seen a different side that I didn't see before about my mom. She only cares about herself. She expects me to buy her cigarettes and got pissed when I told her I wouldn't. I wound up having to because she threatened to not bring me to work. The thing that really upsets me the most is the fact that I feel like its just me and my dad keeping the house going.
I am starting to slowly feel depressed and lonely because the only things I have contact with are my cats. While I love Foley and Chyna to death, I need someone else in my life besides them. I would love to go hang with my friends every so often but then I realize where my paycheck goes. Buying groceries and gas.

[MaggieTheCat]

Ouch. Have you talked to your dad at all about this issue? Could the two of you have a little chat with your mom about this? Or, is it possible for you to move out on your own? I know you said you need human companionship, but, if you got out on your own, you could have people over to your new place or get a roommate.

[stephenr]

Thanks for the kind words, MaggieTheCat. I have talked to my dad about the issues and he understands where I am coming from as he is fed up with it as I am. We both know that if we try to talk to my mom about it, she will play the victim like she always does. If I moved out on my own, I would need 2 or 3 roommates because my job is pretty much a temp assignment but I have a higher chance of staying there because my dad has worked their for 10 years. My paycheck on 20 hours is $158 a week. Right now, I need to stay here because I want to help my dad because he has been there for me when I needed him.

[Aethian]

Sounds like you and your Dad need consuling together to get the strength up to tell your Mom to shape up or gtfo. Okay maybe not gtfo but no work = no money.

[Der Cute]

Man, that's got to be weird, being a breadmaker for a house of 2 adults and one kid. And you're the kid.

Is there any real reason why your mother isn't working? Such as mental disability, busted back, bad hips, knees, anything? Has she been tested for depression and anxiety and all that junk?

Has your household applied for foodstamps - 3 people and 2 incomes may qualify. And has anyone gone to a food bank for assistance? Since your dollar only stretches so far, you may need to look into this.

And tbh, I'd have a Come To Jeezus Meeting with the Mom. I agree w/ Aethian - she needs to get it done or gtfo..

[MaggieTheCat]

Yeah, I was going to ask if Mom is depressed too. And I agree that some kind of divine intervention meeting is in order at some point. I understand how hard it can be...I could never stand up to my mom either, but I was able to move out and don't have to deal with her nearly as much now, and we have a much better relationship than we did when we lived with each other (even she admits this now.)

Also, I should have added in my first post that I'm sorry you're having to go through this, and I hope you and your dad can work something out that will benefit everyone.

[stephenr]

Thank you guys so much for the advice. I will talk to my dad when he gets home from work. There is nothing wrong with my mom. The only thing she suffers from is laziness. I have no paycheck this week because her cigarettes caused everything to bounce. Thankfully my bank covered it all. My check went to pay all the overdraft fees. The way its looking is we are going to have to go to a food bank. I am just looking forward for next week to hit because this week needs to end.

[blas]

When you figure out what to do with your Mom, PM me. My bf's parents are in desperate need of something to do with their deadbeat son who uses his Lyme Disease* as a reason to get out of doing anything.

* = not even actually diagnosed

[MaggieTheCat]

Her making you buy cigarettes for her is just ridiculous. Food is a little more understandable since all of you need to eat. You really need to put your foot down about the cigarettes, though. You need to tell her you're not going to buy them for her anymore. It's going to be hard and there's probably going to be a fight or a guilt trip of some kind, but it really needs to happen. Tell her everything you've told us...about how you need the money for other things (like food) and that it's just downright not fair. If you continue to pay for her addiction she's going to continue to feed off of you. If you put your foot down and she doesn't get her drug of choice, she'll either quit (which would be good for her anyway) or she'll get so desperate that she'll have to think about getting a job to feed the addiction herself.

[Whiskey]

Or make his life hell. I know this type, you can't snap them out of their own greed easily (if at all). If you're over 18 you really need to work on moving out ASAP. Do they have access to your bank information? Can you open a savings account and just say the bank ate part of your paycheck in fees every 2 weeks?

Your dad is a grown man. Its admirable you want to help him, but you need to worry about you. You're enabling the lifestyle your mom has set up and its not going to change.

[stephenr]

I talked to my dad and he told me he appreciates the help I have been but I realized I am not going to the support out of him so I have to start thinking about myself from now on. When I get paid next Friday, I am going to put some of it aside in my savings account. When I get enough money saved, I will look into moving out. I am 19. I figured its time I let my dad deal with the rest of the responsiblity instead of it getting pushed on me. My mom wants to get cigarettes, she can go back to working at the pizza place she spent 18 years at or if she don't want to work there, she can get a job. Thanks again for the advice, I will be telling her this tonight.

[MaggieTheCat]

Remember we are here for you if you need someone to vent to after you talk to your mom, or anytime. If something comes up that you don't feel comfortable posting publicly, you can always PM me.

Also remember that you are doing the right thing. Your mom will likely try to guilt trip you and make you feel bad and like you are betraying her in some way. You are not. You are doing what is best for you, and ultimately, it will be best for your parents too, because it will force both of them to figure out what they are going to do instead of relying on you all the time.

[Der Cute]

Stephenr - make SURE the bank acct you have is NOT linked to your parents. Make SURE you are the only person on that acct.
Also - open a bank security box at your local branch, about $50/year. When you can. Put your SSN card, your Birth Cert, any special other paperwork you've got, even special photos of people. Things you don't want anyone else to destroy.

After you've got the Bank Acct set up and the Sec Box done, start stashing money in an acct that is NOT linked to checking. Like an online savings or a plain bank savings account. This way it's easy to put it IN but not pull it OUT.

To move out, I've found $1000 is a good number to have. It covers first/last months rent, utility setups, furniture (craigslist) purchases etc. Shoot for that.

Practice in the mirror how to respond to your mom.
"No, no ciggys today."
"That's not possible."
"You'll have to ask Dad."

also, do not keep cash in your wallet. Your mom may sneak in and steal it for her cigs.

Find your local food bank, stock up with that - also Angel Ministries, $30 /box, lasts almost a month. And have Dad contact the utility companies - is there a way to cut bills? Cable? Phone? Cell only? how can you save money? Coupons?

It's gonna take some effort, and some spine, but we're here. A lot of us have been through interesting times and have come through just fine .

Good Luck

[Seshat]

Also: there is NOTHING wrong about living in a crap (but safe) apartment/flat/unit, shared with a couple of other people, sleeping on a quilt on the floor (as long as your back is healthy enough) or a cheap mattress from the Salvos, with your belongings stored in neat piles and cardboard boxes in your room.

Many of us started that way. Many of us probably still live that way!

For now, I strongly recommend the bank storage box. It's better than a lockbox in your room - lockboxes can be picked up and taken away. A lockbox that can be bolted to the floor is better than a portable one, but by the time you've spent that much, you may as well have two or three bank storage boxes!

A lock for the bedroom door is also not a bad idea, and move anything of emotional significance to you to the bedroom - or the bank.

All too often, I've heard of a user (and your mother is using you!) getting back at someone who is fleeing the misuse (abuse?) by damaging or destroying their possessions - or by stealing identification or other necessary paperwork.

Get ALL of the essentials out of her reach. Fast. And be prepared to leave the house with nothing but your key to the bank storage box.

Yes, that's a worst-case scenario. And it's about 90% (or more) likely that that won't be necessary. But if you prepare for it emotionally, you will be much, much better off and better able to tell your mother to get her own cigs in future.

So how do you cope if that happens? You get help!

Places like the Salvation Army or Lifeline will help clothe you, and may give you basic furnishings. The first pick of donated clothes goes to people in desperate situations.

Friends or work colleagues are almost certain to let you couch-surf for long enough to get the bond for an apartment, or even to move in to their apartment if they have a spare room. The key to maintaining friendly relations in this situation is to make an effort to do your share of the chores (which I doubt will be a problem!), and to work on getting on your own feet as soon as reasonable (also no problem.)

Rubbish dumps nowadays often have recycling centres attached, and it's amazing how many people throw out perfectly good tables, chairs, coffee tables, beds.... all of which you can pick up at the recycling centre for a nominal price.

If you need frugal-cooking tips, or frugal-living tips, we're all well and truly able to help!

But I assure you - you can, and will, not just survive, but thrive once you're out of that toxic environment. Even if you get out of 'toxic' and into 'poor'.

[Whiskey]

But I assure you - you can, and will, not just survive, but thrive once you're out of that toxic environment. Even if you get out of 'toxic' and into 'poor'.

seshat posts only true things, but this is the most important. People think going from a toxic environment to a poor one is the same thing. Its not. Your mentality changes, which enables you to do better and do things you didnt think you could before. If you dont have a car, get a bike (if you live in an area where you could reasonably bike everywhere. I know people who bike 10 miles to and from work every day, just pack work clothes in a backpack). Getting out of a toxic environment is absolutely key. I lived without furniture for the longest time. I sat on boxes and ate ramen noodles, it was STILL better than the situation I got out of. Invest in a crock pot if you got a spare 20$ and we can give you some extremely cheap, nutritious meals. Beans are one of the healthiest food, rice isnt bad, and i'm sure someone can lend you a spice or two. Just for reference, i just picked up 5lbs of chicken drumsticks for 3.50 from the most expensive grocery store in town (its the one in walking distance ). Its not much, but i can add that to a number of dishes so it lasts longer.

Also, girls LOVE helping guys in their first apartment. absolutely friggin love it. especially older women. if you mention youre moving into your own place at work, i'd be surprised if you werent tackled by all of them trying to give you stuff to make your house a home.