Having a bad day

[Kanalah]

I'm just feeling really down today. I've struggled with depression for nearly all my life. I have good days and bad days. It seems this week is a really really bad week.

I'm feeling abandoned and betrayed by my friends...well I guess considering what happened, they're not my friends anymore.

You see, I'm very shy. Part of it I know comes naturally. Part of it comes from the way I was raised. I was not allowed to speak in public, and I couldn't have friends over, so it only made me withdraw deeper inside myself.

When I was 18 I discovered the internet and I found a really nice group of people. They were in an Role Playing group. I joined up and made lots of friends. Being on the internet coupled with the RP helped me to get out of my shell. I went to meet-ups and even met my husband through this group.

I'm now 28, and I've been a part of the same group for 10 years now. Recently my friends have started to become increasingly hostile to me. It's gotten to the point that I start to have panic attacks around the time of our online meetings. The sad part is, that they will swear to me in emails that we're friends, but during the RP meetings I am harassed, made fun of and even ignored. When I try to speak up, they tell me "Oh we're just playing."

I've talked to my husband about it. (He left the game about a year after our wedding) He tells me that I should just leave. But I'm very conflicted. I've put 10 years of my life into this game, and I've grown a lot. I don't want to just walk away, but when I'm so stressed out over it that I'm having trouble sleeping...

I'm just so confused. I don't understand why my friends would turn on me like this.

[Plaidman]

People grow. You've grown yourself. They likely just don't like you for whatever reason. Maybe they blame you for your husband not showing. Maybe they think you've done something else. Maybe they like how you react to them treating you like shit so they still do it.

Point is: I would leave. I know you spent alot of time there. But, take what you learn from them, and make new friends. How they're treating you now isn't going to stop, and it'll get worst before it gets better.

For your sanity, make new friends. You can do it. With ease now.

[Mikkel]

Why not take some time out? There is no need to burn any bridges yet. Tell them that you'll be busy the next month and won't be available for role playing so often (or at all). You have your husband and presumably real life friends to keep you company meanwhile. Then, when you feel ready, you can return.

[ArcticChicken]

Have you asked them to stop? Or have you dropped it when they said "we're just having fun"?

They may not realize how much they're hurting you. You should write it all out and tell them. Say that while their comments may be intended in jest, they hurt you, and ask them to stop. If they're truly your friends they'll at least make an effort to moderate their behavior towards you, if they say you're making a big deal out of nothing, they're not really your friends.

A good friend will make minor alterations in their behavior to accommodate you. I have a good friend who's mom died fairly suddenly a few months before I met him. This was right around the time "Yo Mama" jokes were pretty popular. It wasn't until sometime last year that he stopped taking as a reference to his real mom, so I didn't tell them to him. Simple.

I had a born again Christian friend who was really offended by any joke that was remotely religious, so I didn't tell them around her.

In these cases, it was really easy to tell that they were upset and so I should avoid those specific behaviors around those specific friends, but sometimes it's not so obvious, and it needs to be stated.

I have a group of friends I hang out with every weekend for fun and Role Playing. We don't arrange it ahead of time, they just show up. Sometime, some of those friends make other plans, which they are well within their rights to do. The problem came when they didn't tell me until the day before, or sometimes mere hours before, they went to do something else. I got upset, and they knew it, but their behavior continued.

A few months ago I sat them down and explained that I wasn't upset that they made other plans, I was upset because they didn't tell me about them, and that meant that I had no reason to plan on doing something else. Now, I know when they're doing something else as soon as they do.

Sometimes people need to be told that they're hurting you.

[Kanalah]

I've told them numerous times that they are being hurtful. The first time I recieved "Oh, we're like that with everyone, it's no big deal." Second time "Why don't you get over it? We're just kidding." Third time "Geez, deal with it!" Now I mostly just get ignored whenever I say anything, which is making it difficult to RP when I need to ask a question of the DM.

My main concern is the person leading the charge against me is supposedly a psychologist in real life. Previously she had even been helping me with my anxiety issues, giving me a shoulder to cry on when I needed it. Now she's done a complete 180, and is harassing me every chance she can get. I've talked to the higher-ups in the game, and they've done nothing about it. In fact I have a scathing email sitting in my inbox right now, and I really don't want to respond to it. Because she was helping me before, she knows all the right buttons to push to get me to have a nervous breakdown.

Isn't that against some sort of psychologist code of conduct?

[Plaidman]

It is. Very big code. Though if you weren't a patient of hers, she didn't break any laws, just being a total bitch.

Might also mean that she likely told the others what you told her.

Get out of that group. NOW. You don't even need to tell.

They are poison, and they will hurt you worst as time goes on. They are not friends.

[ArcticChicken]

I've told them numerous times that they are being hurtful. The first time I recieved "Oh, we're like that with everyone, it's no big deal." Second time "Why don't you get over it? We're just kidding." Third time "Geez, deal with it!" Now I mostly just get ignored whenever I say anything, which is making it difficult to RP when I need to ask a question of the DM.

Then get out, they're not your friends. Yes, you did put 10 years into that group. The group is different, or you're different. Get out before all the good memories are contaminated by the bad ones.

[Seshat]

There are many, many other D&D groups in the world. Get out of this toxic one.

[Kanalah]

Thank you all very much for your advice. I'm going to do my best to quit this group cold-turkey. I know it might be difficult, after all I was logging into the same chat room every Saturday night rain or shine for the past 10 years.

I'm hoping I might be able to make some friends here. I'm shy IRL, but on the internet you'd never know. I may only interact with customers for 3 months out of the year, but sometimes I get some pretty good stories out of it.

I know you guys have a chat room, maybe I'll pop in there instead on Saturday nights. It might help ease the transition a little bit.

[BookstoreEscapee]

I'm hoping I might be able to make some friends here. I'm shy IRL, but on the internet you'd never know. I may only interact with customers for 3 months out of the year, but sometimes I get some pretty good stories out of it.

I know you guys have a chat room, maybe I'll pop in there instead on Saturday nights. It might help ease the transition a little bit.

I was going to suggest you hang out here more. We're a fun bunch.
There's also plenty of us who can relate on the whole depression/anxiety thing. There's a thread about that in Life Advice, too.

I don't deal with customers at all (except coworkers who want/need stuff from my department) so I don't post any customer stories (well, the very occasional flashback, maybe). I was actually out of the customer service realm by the time I signed up here. I had lurked a bit here and there several years ago, then sorta forgot about it, then I came across it somehow again, and saw a thread asking how to let their local MyCompany store know about a good experience they had. So I signed up and posted a reply. And the rest history. (Almost 4 years! Wow!)

I've never been in chat, though. I keep meaning to...one of these days...

[zombiequeen]

I've had friends like that too. They're just being little kids about it. You know, if you're jealous (perhaps of you and your hubby?) of someone, you can think nasty things, then end up saying them. On the internet, it's all too easy to do. They might think that you're supposed to be getting over it, perhaps the "psychologist" person said it was ok for them to be like that because she was helping you?
If you ever need someone to talk to, send me a PM. I may not be a therapist, but I listen well and I don't share secrets.